New Hair.

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I needed a change. So I cut myself one.

:)

Higher Ways.

There was a moment a couple of weeks ago, when I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop across from the man I love, when it all finally broke. The moment came right after Chris looked into my eyes and had just finished saying the words "God does NOT feel that way about our baby."

Tears leapt into my eyes and I felt, for the first time, that everything was going to be okay.

I had just finished telling him how I felt like this baby was going to be too much for me and how I wasn't sure I could handle it all. I told him I didn't feel like anyone was very excited about this precious human life (myself included) and that it felt more like a punishment than a blessing.

How could a mother of two perfect little boys say such things about a new baby on the way? For weeks I had been swimming around in weird resentment and confusion and I seriously didn't even know who I was anymore. I had started out excited about this baby until the moment I started sharing the news. Then it somehow became bitter. I had even begun to question my faith. My God. Add to all of this the constant nausea and the tidal waves of hormones and the recent discovery that I have Hashimoto's Disease (not nearly as scary or drama as it sounds, but more on that later), and you can pretty much imagine how fragile and crumbly I felt every waking moment. I found myself assuming the sarcastic "here we go again" tone when relating the news of our pregnancy to my friends and family... as if apologizing for the fact that more life was on the way.

But God does NOT feel that way about my baby.

He is knitting this baby together inside of me and already loves it as deeply as He loves me. He loves it as deeply as He loves Ezra. He loves it as deeply as He loves Myer. He ordained this child's days and has been waiting for this child's life with bated breath. This baby may not have come at the exact moment that I decided it should, but it came at the exact moment that HE decided it should. His timing is perfect. To deny that would be ridiculous. He is GOD. Life comes from Him, and He is the Giver of good things.

These words are like water to my thirsty heart even now. If I don't wake up with these words tied around my neck, I forget them. I sink right back into doubt and fear. I need simple TRUTH wrapped around me closer than my own skin right now. I have been wandering in lies.

The truth is, I am a GOOD mom. I can totally handle another child. This baby is not a burden, this baby is an honor. This baby is going to change my life for good, and now I can honestly say that I CAN'T WAIT to meet this precious person growing inside of me... this person who already has unique fingerprints on its tiny fingers and itty bitty toenails on its little feet. What a perfectly timed miracle it all is! What a beautiful reminder that God always knows what He is doing, and that His ways are always higher than mine.

12 Weeks.

I took these pictures about two seconds ago and am pretty sure I have doubled in size since then. No... really.





I kept sending my poor husband back up to the attic to look for my maternity clothes that we couldn't find ANYWHERE. I was like, "I know they are up there, honey... could you look again?" And then, after his 1,647th trip up there, I suddenly thought I maybe might have remembered giving them all away after I had Myer? Because I never wore them and I didn't like anything that I had.

hahahaha. Poor Chris.

So, I'm thinking this time around I might just invest in a nice pair of maternity jeans and call it good. Any recommendations? My neighbor was also kind enough to lend me some super cute maternity pants and some tops as well, so I think I'm set.


I've had a really hard but really good week of processing some of the things I have been feeling these past couple of months since I found out I was pregnant again. I have felt like I've been in a funk for weeeeeeks and I haven't felt like writing at all. But this week I started to open up about some things and my husband has really helped me dig down and figure out WHY I've been feeling so shut down.

I will write more about all that soon when I can dedicate a good chunk of time to getting it all out.

Right now I'm too busy snuggling my boys and watching Wallace and Gromit.

:)

Lofty Goals.

Here's a sneak peek of what we've done so far...




The bed is perfect! We are going to try the toddler bed out for awhile until Myer gets the hang of sleeping in a big boy bed, and then eventually we will put a twin mattress on the floor under the loft bed, kindof like this:




As I type Myer is sleeping soundly in his new bed! He looks so old in there. When did he get old enough to be out of a crib?! WEIRD.

There are still lots of things to do, like:

*Rearrange the bookshelf so that Myer's books are on bottom where he can reach and Ezra's books are on the upper shelves where he can reach. (I believe kids should always be allowed access to books in bed at night... I love it when Ezra stays up late "reading"!)

*Move the boys' dresser into the new room and move that orange chair back into the nursery.

*Convert the window seat (now behind the bed) into a toy box/storage area.

*Convince Chris to let me leave the bed in front of the window & bookshelf like it is now, instead of moving it against the other wall. ;)

Wish me luck!! (Especially with that last one! hehe.)

11 Weeks!

Today was the first time in a loooooong time that I actually took the time to get dressed in something other than pj pants and a t-shirt.

It actually made a big difference in how I felt. Maybe my morning sickness cure is DESLOBIFYING MYSELF every once in awhile? Chris will be thrilled! ;)

I will be 11 weeks tomorrow! Here are the first belly shots:


Myer keeps following me around the house trying to put his 'babies' (stuffed animals) under my dresses or shirts. I think he's sortof starting to get the concept? cutie patootey.

He wanted me to take a 'belly shot' of him too:



(He is the coolest almost-20-month-old in the universe.)

Chris and I have been talking about our car situation this week, seeing as how there are not enough seats to fit our growing family in our Honda Element. Sad.

So, in 5 months or so, we will be selling the lovely Element to purchase something more... you-can-no-longer-deny-that-you-are-a-mom-ish.

Chris is reeeeeally pushing for the sliding doors option, which leaves us a choice between a used minivan or a used Mazda5.

I prefer the look of the Mazda, of course, but I am thinking that I would probably love all the extra room in a minivan. But would all that extra room in the minivan offset the potential soul-killing feeling of actually driving one?

Hmmm. THAT is the question. haha.

Tiny Dancer.

My first baby appointment went perfectly, and I even got the unexpected bonus of getting to SEE the little jumping bean for a moment, which was so fun!

My midwife had an ultrasound cart and wheeled it into the room so she could check everything out in there. I am measuring right where I should be and the baby was totally jumping around and wiggling it's tiny arms!

She took a picture but it printed out really small, so I have decided to take some artistic license and recreate it for you with the utmost attention to detail:



(You're welcome.)

We saw a strong heartbeat and the best part of it all was that Chris got to be there with me. It was so sweet, and I feel like I fell in love with this baby for the first time as I watched it dance on the mini screen.

A recap: There's a tiny human in there and I love it!

This past week has been one of pure exhaustion and nausea. I've slept 12 hours straight most nights this week, which is great and all, but I feel like I haven't had a complete {coherent} conversation with my husband in weeks. I miss him. You guys will have to forgive my lack of blogging abilities for a little while longer, due to the fact that the movement of the cursor across the screen seems to make me feel sea-sick. It's like a little sailboat blinking across the ocean waves. *yarf*

hehe.

Swished Into Reality.

Tomorrow is the big day! The first baby appointment. You know... the one where you hear your baby's swishing heartbeat and the whole world stands still and you cry every single time even though you're pretty sure you won't.

And, just like the last two times, it will be the day that it all becomes REAL for me.

It's a miraculous thing, hearing a separate heartbeat coming from the depths of you. It's like your child's first communication with the world and from that point on you never feel alone even if you're all by yourself.

This pregnancy has been hard so far. I think it's the combined factors of a) it not being as 'planned' as the others, and b) the unending nausea that never leaves and makes my tummy feel skunk-ish, and c) the fact that I have not gotten to really see any friends or celebrate since I found out. It's been hard for me to feel the expected excitement because of these things. I found out right before my trip to Utah, and ever since we've been back, Myer and I have just not been well enough to be out and about, so it almost feels like one of my favorite parts of pregnancy (the telling all your friends and squealing part) just didn't happen this time around.

It's not the end of the world, I know. It just has made things feels a little more distant and disconnected.

That is why I am so dang excited for tomorrow.

I know that that beautiful swishing sound will drown out all these petty complaints and fill my ears with reality... the reality that new life is always good and always beautiful and that the celebration of it is only just beginning...

Chicken Pox, Impetigo, Allergies, Oh My!

First off- Ezra's school is INCREDIBLE.

The teachers! The kids! The mentors! We love it all. It's like a little hidden gem right in my own backyard-- rated the top public charter school in the country... and we had NO idea it was even there when we moved in 4 years ago.

It's not in the best neighborhood. It's not the newest, shiniest building. Ezra's little pale white head stands out noticeably in the sea of beautiful black faces. But you can feel the heart of the place when you walk in the front doors and it's ALIVE and JOYFUL. I can't wait to pour myself into that school as much as I can. To serve it and help it and support it.

And Ezra LOVES it! Hooray!



I have been feeling sooooo sick the last week or so. I've never been this nauseous with a pregnancy before, so I wasn't expecting it. (Girl, perhaps?) It has pretty much laid me flat all week. Now I am just trying to figure out a way to live around it since it seems to be here to stay for a bit. I'm 9 weeks along now and not nearly as LARGE as I was at this time with Myer. I remember thinking there were quadruplets in there when I was first pregnant with him. haha. (phew!) I would post a picture to start the 'pregnancy belly shots', but it seems silly to do when there's no belly yet. I'll spare you until there's actually something to see!



We thought Myer had the chicken pox this week. We were keeping him away from other kids and just waiting for the spots to go away. But when the spots started getting WORSE, I took him into the doctor and found out it wasn't the chicken pox at all. It was a raging case of impetigo that popped up all over his body from when we were in Utah and his eczema got so bad. Poor kid.

I'm praying SO hard that God will take all these crazy allergies away. They make him so miserable most of the time. I have faith that He will heal my little Myer so that he can eat yummy food and play outside and be around the pets and animals that he is OBSESSED with.

Speaking of his allergies, I still haven't found my stride with them yet. The one thing that is making this so hard is that I HATE cooking. I have never really done it or been good at it or had any desire to change that fact. And all these allergy resources and webpages that I'm finding about wheat-free, egg-free, nut-free foods require elaborate COOKING with hours spent in the KITCHEN and fancy flours and MEAL PLANNING and OH MY GORB I just want to stick something in the microwave and feed the kid!!! I am openly admitting that I am lazy. I know it. I have never had any interest in food personally. I eat because I have to, not because I enjoy it. The day that they finally invent a pill that will replace entire meals will be a happy one in my books.

Right now Myer rotates between about three things: oatmeal, hot dogs or ham, and sometimes corn quesedillas. He loves fruit and sweet potatoes, but it's the actual filling of his tummy with substantial food that just about kills me three times a day. He will also sometimes eat gluten free macaroni, if all the planets are aligned and a golden cardinal swoops by the window at the exact moment of his first bite.

He's on medication every day, twice a day. Anti-histamines. But still... every single time he goes outside or gets around a dog or is around too much dust or we use the wrong detergent or he eats the wrong food or gets too hot and sweaty, his skin flares up and he claws at himself until he's raw and it takes a week or two to get it to calm back down again.

I don't feel like I'm handling this gracefully yet. And I wonder if I ever will. It all just seems like too much, you know? Like, I narrow in on the food (like I've been doing the past three months) and keep him on his meds, but then he goes outside or gets overheated and all that hard work goes right out the window. I feel like throwing in the towel about 100 times a day, to be honest.

I just want God to take it all away. Maybe that sounds like a cop-out, but I just can't protect this kid from every single thing every second of the day. I just can't. I know God will never give me more than I can handle, but I think maybe He overestimated me a little bit on this one. Me needs a miracle here, people.

*end of allergy rant sigh*

He's lucky he's so stinkin' cute. hehe.

10 days, 10 years, First Day, 8 Weeks.

After 10 days in the most beautiful place in the world, WE'RE BACK! Getting home was somewhat of an adventure... we woke up at 3:45AM to catch a plane in Las Vegas at 7:00AM, but there was crazy construction at the airport and I missed my flight. They told me to rush over to another gate and try for standby on a different plane which would take me to San Antonio and then to Dallas and then eventually to Oklahoma City.

Needless to say, it was a looooong day full of baby wrestling and nausea and cramped spaces... just me and two wild children. It went as smoothly as it could have though, and I must say that Southwest Airlines is a ROCKSTAR. They took very good care of my frazzled self.

After arriving home I took a bath and fell into bed and slept for most of the day. Chris went and located my bag later that evening, and ever since then I have been in total decompress mode.

One of the really cool things I got to do while I was in Utah was go to my 10 year high school reunion. My parents were kind enough to watch the boys and I drove over to Reno and got to stay with my oldest brother Jared and see lots of friends I haven't seen in ages!! It was so much fun, and I was able to actually find a dress that somewhat covered my awkward 2 month pregnant gut without being frumpy. Bonus!




(I stole these photos from my facebook friends. mwarharhar.)

It was a blast! I am sad to think that it may be another 10 years before I see some of these people again.

So, in other big news, Ezra starts KINDERGARTEN tomorrow. All day every day kindergarten! I am so excited for him, and I know it is just what he needs at this point in his life. He is a BUSY kid that needs to be entertained 24/7, which.... I am no good at. So I know it will be good for us both. We get to go meet his teacher later this evening. How cute! I can't wait.

As for the pregnancy, I feel mostly good. I'm a little shy of 8 weeks along and I am feeling a bit more nausea each day. Blerg. When I was in Utah I was so so so exhausted I could barely do anything, but I know these things just come with the territory. I've had a few freak-out moments of wondering if I am a strong enough woman to juggle three small children, but now that I am back home with my amazing husband, I am remembering that I won't be alone in it all. I have a wonderful community around me and help is never more than a phone call away, praise God.

I can do this. What an amazing gift three children will be!

We've Landed!

Me and the boys made it to my parents house in New Harmony, Utah!

The plane ride was as smooth and stress-free as a plane ride can be when you're flying by yourself with two small children. (As my freind Adrienne pointed out, I technically had THREE children with me. ha!) Myer fell asleep about 30 seconds after take off, and then I was able to keep them entertained when he woke up so that he never even fussed or cried. (Using mostly snacks and stickers and a book with doors he could "open" to reveal pictures under them.) It was awesome. On the way home we have a connection flight with a short layover, and the flight isn't right at naptime, so I have no idea what to expect. I am trying not to stress about that yet. But if you know me at all, you are probably laughing out loud at that last sentence. haha.

We are having a blast!


Outside the windows.


Inside the doors.


Freshly dug up and plucked from the garden by Ezra, MoMar, and me (and then eaten for dinner tonight... YUM!!)


Ezra's BFF, Pebbles.


Lots of fun playtime with DooDad.



Thank you for all of your helpful tips on flying with little boogers. I would never have made it here so successfully without you!!!!