September 29, 2010

If It's a Girl.

15 weeks pregnant!

***Clarification: We aren't finding out the gender this time around, so this is all a big IF! ***

I realized the other day that if this baby is a girl, I'm going to have to teach her how to actually BE a girl. I believe that this was one of the most terrifying thoughts I have possibly ever had, excepting for that time long ago when I had convinced myself that there were stingrays living in my carpet- just waiting for me to step on them so they could attack my ankles.

(Hey, those things are SCARY. They totally took out the Crocodile Hunter! The CROCODILE HUNTER!!)

I think I am probably one of the most unqualified women in the world for the task of raising a young girl, seeing as how I hate to cook and am total crap at cleaning and laundry and grocery shopping... You know, all that 'happy in the home' stuff. I do the stuff, when it becomes absolutely essential to our survival that I do them, but even then I do it with more of a 'grumbly in the home' kind of attitude.

The thing with having boys is, it's easier for me. I teach them how to honor and respect people and work hard, and then I can send them off to wrestle with something or roll in some mud for awhile. Easy breezy lemon squeezy! (tongue planted firmly in cheek, of course.)

I feel like having a baby girl would be like giving birth to a full-length mirror. It would force me to look at myself in a way I have been too terrified to do. It would force me to really SEE the things deep down in me that need to change. It would be... intimidating. Daunting. Petrifying.

But I also know that, as with anything worth experiencing in this life, the deepest pools of joy and freedom are hidden behind our highest walls. Raising a girl would be one of the most challenging experiences of my life, I know that for a fact. I've spent my whole LIFE building Mt. Everests between my heart and my femininity. (I think there's some part of me that associates that word with deficiency.)

Raising a little mini-me would cause me to need God in ways that I have never needed Him before.

And that right there, I think, would be the greatest gift that she could ever give me.

September 15, 2010

Higher Ways.

There was a moment a couple of weeks ago, when I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop across from the man I love, when it all finally broke. The moment came right after Chris looked into my eyes and had just finished saying the words "God does NOT feel that way about our baby."

Tears leapt into my eyes and I felt, for the first time, that everything was going to be okay.

I had just finished telling him how I felt like this baby was going to be too much for me and how I wasn't sure I could handle it all. I told him I didn't feel like anyone was very excited about this precious human life (myself included) and that it felt more like a punishment than a blessing.

How could a mother of two perfect little boys say such things about a new baby on the way? For weeks I had been swimming around in weird resentment and confusion and I seriously didn't even know who I was anymore. I had started out excited about this baby until the moment I started sharing the news. Then it somehow became bitter. I had even begun to question my faith. My God. Add to all of this the constant nausea and the tidal waves of hormones and the recent discovery that I have Hashimoto's Disease (not nearly as scary or drama as it sounds, but more on that later), and you can pretty much imagine how fragile and crumbly I felt every waking moment. I found myself assuming the sarcastic "here we go again" tone when relating the news of our pregnancy to my friends and family... as if apologizing for the fact that more life was on the way.

But God does NOT feel that way about my baby.

He is knitting this baby together inside of me and already loves it as deeply as He loves me. He loves it as deeply as He loves Ezra. He loves it as deeply as He loves Myer. He ordained this child's days and has been waiting for this child's life with bated breath. This baby may not have come at the exact moment that I decided it should, but it came at the exact moment that HE decided it should. His timing is perfect. To deny that would be ridiculous. He is GOD. Life comes from Him, and He is the Giver of good things.

These words are like water to my thirsty heart even now. If I don't wake up with these words tied around my neck, I forget them. I sink right back into doubt and fear. I need simple TRUTH wrapped around me closer than my own skin right now. I have been wandering in lies.

The truth is, I am a GOOD mom. I can totally handle another child. This baby is not a burden, this baby is an honor. This baby is going to change my life for good, and now I can honestly say that I CAN'T WAIT to meet this precious person growing inside of me... this person who already has unique fingerprints on its tiny fingers and itty bitty toenails on its little feet. What a perfectly timed miracle it all is! What a beautiful reminder that God always knows what He is doing, and that His ways are always higher than mine.

September 12, 2010

12 Weeks.

I took these pictures about two seconds ago and am pretty sure I have doubled in size since then. No... really.

I kept sending my poor husband back up to the attic to look for my maternity clothes that we couldn't find ANYWHERE. I was like, "I know they are up there, honey... could you look again?" And then, after his 1,647th trip up there, I suddenly thought I maybe might have remembered giving them all away after I had Myer? Because I never wore them and I didn't like anything that I had.

hahahaha. Poor Chris.

So, I'm thinking this time around I might just invest in a nice pair of maternity jeans and call it good. Any recommendations? My neighbor was also kind enough to lend me some super cute maternity pants and some tops as well, so I think I'm set.

I've had a really hard but really good week of processing some of the things I have been feeling these past couple of months since I found out I was pregnant again. I have felt like I've been in a funk for weeeeeeks and I haven't felt like writing at all. But this week I started to open up about some things and my husband has really helped me dig down and figure out WHY I've been feeling so shut down.

I will write more about all that soon when I can dedicate a good chunk of time to getting it all out.

Right now I'm too busy snuggling my boys and watching Wallace and Gromit.


September 9, 2010

Lofty Goals.

Here's a sneak peek of what we've done so far...

The bed is perfect! We are going to try the toddler bed out for awhile until Myer gets the hang of sleeping in a big boy bed, and then eventually we will put a twin mattress on the floor under the loft bed, kindof like this:

As I type Myer is sleeping soundly in his new bed! He looks so old in there. When did he get old enough to be out of a crib?! WEIRD.

There are still lots of things to do, like:

*Rearrange the bookshelf so that Myer's books are on bottom where he can reach and Ezra's books are on the upper shelves where he can reach. (I believe kids should always be allowed access to books in bed at night... I love it when Ezra stays up late "reading"!)

*Move the boys' dresser into the new room and move that orange chair back into the nursery.

*Convert the window seat (now behind the bed) into a toy box/storage area.

*Convince Chris to let me leave the bed in front of the window & bookshelf like it is now, instead of moving it against the other wall. ;)

Wish me luck!! (Especially with that last one! hehe.)

September 1, 2010

11 Weeks!

Today was the first time in a loooooong time that I actually took the time to get dressed in something other than pj pants and a t-shirt.

It actually made a big difference in how I felt. Maybe my morning sickness cure is DESLOBIFYING MYSELF every once in awhile? Chris will be thrilled! ;)

I will be 11 weeks tomorrow! Here are the first belly shots:

Myer keeps following me around the house trying to put his 'babies' (stuffed animals) under my dresses or shirts. I think he's sortof starting to get the concept? cutie patootey.

He wanted me to take a 'belly shot' of him too:

(He is the coolest almost-20-month-old in the universe.)

Chris and I have been talking about our car situation this week, seeing as how there are not enough seats to fit our growing family in our Honda Element. Sad.

So, in 5 months or so, we will be selling the lovely Element to purchase something more... you-can-no-longer-deny-that-you-are-a-mom-ish.

Chris is reeeeeally pushing for the sliding doors option, which leaves us a choice between a used minivan or a used Mazda5.

I prefer the look of the Mazda, of course, but I am thinking that I would probably love all the extra room in a minivan. But would all that extra room in the minivan offset the potential soul-killing feeling of actually driving one?

Hmmm. THAT is the question. haha.