There was a moment a couple of weeks ago, when I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop across from the man I love, when it all finally broke. The moment came right after Chris looked into my eyes and had just finished saying the words "God does NOT feel that way about our baby."
Tears leapt into my eyes and I felt, for the first time, that everything was going to be okay.
I had just finished telling him how I felt like this baby was going to be too much for me and how I wasn't sure I could handle it all. I told him I didn't feel like anyone was very excited about this precious human life (myself included) and that it felt more like a punishment than a blessing.
How could a mother of two perfect little boys say such things about a new baby on the way? For weeks I had been swimming around in weird resentment and confusion and I seriously didn't even know who I was anymore. I had started out excited about this baby until the moment I started sharing the news. Then it somehow became bitter. I had even begun to question my faith. My God. Add to all of this the constant nausea and the tidal waves of hormones and the recent discovery that I have Hashimoto's Disease (not nearly as scary or drama as it sounds, but more on that later), and you can pretty much imagine how fragile and crumbly I felt every waking moment. I found myself assuming the sarcastic "here we go again" tone when relating the news of our pregnancy to my friends and family... as if apologizing for the fact that more life was on the way.
But God does NOT feel that way about my baby.
He is knitting this baby together inside of me and already loves it as deeply as He loves me. He loves it as deeply as He loves Ezra. He loves it as deeply as He loves Myer. He ordained this child's days and has been waiting for this child's life with bated breath. This baby may not have come at the exact moment that I decided it should, but it came at the exact moment that HE decided it should. His timing is perfect. To deny that would be ridiculous. He is GOD. Life comes from Him, and He is the Giver of good things.
These words are like water to my thirsty heart even now. If I don't wake up with these words tied around my neck, I forget them. I sink right back into doubt and fear. I need simple TRUTH wrapped around me closer than my own skin right now. I have been wandering in lies.
The truth is, I am a GOOD mom. I can totally handle another child. This baby is not a burden, this baby is an honor. This baby is going to change my life for good, and now I can honestly say that I CAN'T WAIT to meet this precious person growing inside of me... this person who already has unique fingerprints on its tiny fingers and itty bitty toenails on its little feet. What a perfectly timed miracle it all is! What a beautiful reminder that God always knows what He is doing, and that His ways are always higher than mine.
24 comments:
As always, thank you for your honesty Emery! I know that I don't know you in real life, but since you shared your news about baby #3 I have been so excited for you. That even sounds kind of weird to me, but it's true. I started reading your blog right after I got married, four years ago. I found it off of Cameron Ingall's wedding photography site (he was our photographer). Your blog was the first blog I started reading. Anyway, all that to say I have followed your story since then and I am so excited to see what God will do with this new life in your family. I'm sorry you still feel sick, I hope the physical illness passes soon so you can feel somewhat back to normal. Thank you for sharing your story. Congratulations!!!
Emery,
Thank you for this post! I don't completely understand how you are feeling, but after our first month of marriage and the "what if" conversation.. I understand how you can have that fear of feeling selfish and that horrible feeling of "it's not fair to this child because I didn't plan for this and I'm not even sure I can handle it or am I really ready for this?!" It's not a great feeling and I sincerely respect your honesty on your blog and putting that out their for the world to read. You are so honest and I admire your writing so much. ;-) I can't wait to see this new ADORABLE baby bean!!!!! yippeee!!!!!
Beautiful, Emery - and you are so very, very RIGHT.
Hugs.
Needed this today!!! Thank you for sharing, as always!! I am about 7 weeks along with my first and my husband doesn't have a job and the market is still so bleak for his field. I have been so excited, but he is so nervous. We haven't told family yet for fear of disappointment that we are not in the right place yet. (even though we have been married for 4 years). I needed to be reminded of the simple truth that God's timeing is perfect timing, whethere all around us seems like wrong timing!! I needed those words wrapped around me today too!! THANK YOU THANK YOU!
He certianly does not feel that way and neither do we and neither in your heart of hearts do you. Because you are an amazing mom.
It's totally normal to feel like that. I did throughout the first half of my pregnancy. And when I think about having another child I can feel it again, something that seriously inhibits me in trying to decide if we should venture down that road again...in the future.
You are so very full of grace and I know you'll find your way through.
I love your blog because you write about things so many other people go through and you show them that it is ok and it is normal. you are so strong and will be an amazing mom of three.
and about your hashimoto's disease - I wanna say I saw an episode of mystery diagnosis about it on discovery health. was it hard for you to figure out what was wrong? just curious.
I know what you mean. When you start sharing the news of a pregnancy, or people see you with "so many kids," or two kids under two :), there are always comments like, "wow, you sure have your hands full," or "you must be so overwhelmed," or "you must not be getting any sleep," etc. So, even if you are doing fine or happy with your situation it can become so seemingly bitter. Sometimes I just wish people would keep all their negative comments to themselves because really, even if you ARE feeling that way, it doesn't help the situation at all.
I have never been in your situation...
But for me, it took losing two pregnancies to really understand that EACH and EVERY pregnancy is a gift, entirely on God's terms. : ) Enjoy your little bean.
I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have been there. Except for me, it lasted all nine months, and almost 3 years later I STILL battle it. To the point where it hinders my forward progress.
Your words are so true and those moments of clarity are absolutely essential. Without the truth, I would be spending all of my time in that fear and doubt and anger and resentment.
As always, LOVE.
beautiful
I just recently started reading your blog and fell in love with it because of how honest and down to earth you come across in your writings. There is nothing wrong in being human and feeling the emotions that you have been going through, and it's very admirable that you share these feelings with others and remind us all that we are human and that, indeed, God knows what's best for us and he has a plan for all of us, including your Baby #3!
I think you're an amazing mom. Prayers for you and your family throughout your pregnancy, and also for coping with hashimoto's disease (which could very well be contributing to your emotions).
Emery, that was so good to read. I often think about how I would feel if i accidentally got pregnant right now. I think those are natural, human emotions.
But just like you said, God does not feel that way, and neither does the universe.
Best of luck!
Your post was amazing. My husband and I for years said we weren't going to have kids and now I am 12 weeks pregnant with our first and we have had many conversations which can be summarized as "What are we doing?!?". This post made me cry and I love it! Thank you for being so honest and sharing.
You are an amazing MOM, one of the best I have ever known. This baby is such a blessing to our family and we can't wait to meet the little jumping bean, too !!! These feelings are all so normal honey, you will do fine, a wonderful job, as always. Your children are so fortunate to have you for their Momma.
Thank you for sharing, really. I too felt like my most recent pregnancy was some sort of punishment with the news that she may have something wrong with her coupled with my feelings of nausea and aches and pains that were unimaginable. After having our daughter she is so perfect and her temperament is angelic. The Lord always soothes my wounds.
ps- it sounds like your prognosis is awesome!
"He ordained this child's days and has been waiting for this child's life with bated breath." This makes me cry. I love this. I love your heart Emery. It will be ok. It's ok too, to be honest about your feelings, I think WE ALL can relate to what you're going through.
I'm praying for you guys and for you to have a healthy pregnancy and praying for healing with the Hashimoto disease. Jesus is holding you so tightly. I praise him for that.
Dear Emery, make sure that you are referred to a Maternal Endocrinologist who can monitor your condition along with the pregnancy. I had to go to one with my third and it saved everything for me. My obstetrician sent me.
Thank you for being so honest!
Emery,
1) Your postings are full of such amazing writing and insight and heart. Your words almost read like poetry - if you wrote a book, I would buy it!
2) I'm the youngest of 7 children and reading this made me think of how my mother would say that with each child people would tell her "another one?" "don't you have enough already?" and it would make her feel really bad. I feel so lucky that my parents brought me into this world, and having multiple siblings was the BEST. I love love love being part of a big family and I cherish my older brothers and sisters so much. My sister who is the 6th in line is my best friend, I don't know what I would do without her. Whether you have 3 kids, or 5, or 9 I hope you know that you are creating love. Your new baby will be a source of love to so many others in his or her life, and what a wonderful thing that you are responsible for that. I wish you and your family all the best. Thanks for sharing your journey with us!
I'm a friend of a friend, and I've lurked around your blog admiring your honesty, love, and willing attitude toward life! Talk to some of us older moms who've had three or more kids. We'll tell you we couldn't imagine how we'd manage to juggle three kids and all of life, and that that's when the Holy Spirit's voice and strength became more real to us than ever. And we'll show you pictures of our kids, full of pride and joy! Remember when you realized having a second child meant your love wasn't divided between the two, it was multiplied, and expect that with the third your love will grow exponentially! Blessings to you all...
hello emery!
i don't know if you remember me, but i am amy, one of the people you first met when you moved to san luis all those years ago, we had lunch, you cut my hair, then i disappeared because i moved to get married... anyway, i completely randomly stumbled upon your blog and was like, wait, i think i know this girl! hi, nice to see you again...
let me say congratulations on your life and your new precious baby... and i want to say i understand all you said in this post. i have six children (the eldest is my stepson), and i am enamored with each one. every time i have been pregnant past my first though, i dread telling people. i am thrilled, but think they will be upset, disgusted, or just not care. but it's so true, God doesn't feel like that about our babies... and so we need to just feel that joy, be aware of the awesome privilege He is bestowing upon us. Congratulations again emery, it's so good to see you!
His timing IS perfect.
I love this post! These words are so healing. And inspiring. And calming.
You're gonna be an awesome mom x3! Ha (:
this is such a beautiful and honest post. Thank you for being so courageous, and for trusting in God <3
I cannot tell you how empowered and moved I was from your post. I read a lot of blogs, and a lot of them I can relate to, but this one hit home in a very deep way.
My husband and I are expecting our second surprise child and it seems we are certainly better at making babies than we are at using birth control. It came as a shock to everyone and at times I felt almost ashamed since so much of our life is still a work in progress.
I still have not told most people, I am 8 weeks along, and I have to keep reminding myself that God's timing is far more precise than mine. A child is the sweetest blessing anyone could have, so that makes us both very lucky :) I will have two under two at only 25 years young but I know I can do it. I have to!
thank you!
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