On Hoping for a Girl (Take Two.)

(you can find Take One here.)

Chris took me out on a lunch date today and we ate at an extremely yummy pub here in town and ordered our favorite burgers. (The ones with over-easy eggs on them!) I love this place but find it hard to have any kind of meaningful conversation while I'm in there because there is gauranteed to be a 16 foot plasma screen with a football game on it no more than 6 inches from your face at all times.

After our bellies were full we wandered around the shopping center and came upon a cute little children's boutique store. We stumbled inside and I immediately gravitated towards all the cute little baby boy things on display. Airplane blankets and pirate onesies and octopus toys. I tried to hide in the little corner of boyishness because... because it's all that I know. I feel safe there. There's no chance of disillusionment there. Only stalwart practicality and probability. I was looking at clothes with robots on them but I was only seeing safety nets. And I just couldn't let go.

I was actively trying not to make eye-contact with any of the little girl dresses or hairbows or maryjane socks that filled the store with bright sparkly joy. I still have not been able to let my heart go there because I'm afraid the disappointment of not getting a girl will be greater if I let my hope wander off too far in those isles. The girlscout in me is holding the reigns tight. Preparedness! Probability! Practicality!

Then my husband makes me leap. OF COURSE.

He says, "Great boy stuff and all, but where are all the little dresses?"

It took some serious effort to follow him into the unknown jungle of ruffle tights and cardigans. I felt like the whole store knew we only had boys and didn't belong in the pink & purple isles.

But my husband has this way of living from his heart and before I knew it we were swooning over everything we saw. All the while I heard myself repeatedly trying to tell him that there was a 50% chance this wasn't going to happen this time, and that he had to be okay with that, but I also felt God asking me just to take a deep breath and let my hope free for a moment. Every fiber of my being was fighting it. And just when I was about to put my foot back down on that hope again, I looked up and saw that my husband was holding a little dress... and his eyes were full of tears.

This man has such a soft spot in his heart for a little girl that we can't even broach the subject without him getting weepy. This, of course, turns me into a blubbering mess and makes me fall in love with him more every single time. God has put this deep longing inside of my husband, and we know that it is there for a reason. We may not know how or when or if that hope will be fulfilled in this lifetime, but it's there and I don't want to keep trying to stifle it and shush it with my lame arse statistical probability all the time.

Of course we both will be THRILLED to have another boy and he will be loved beyond measure from his very first breath. That goes without saying! But there was something really beautiful about letting go today and shedding hopeful tears over little dresses in the middle of a boutique store with my husband.

It really was just a moment of trust for me. I have not been trusting the Lord with my hope. I have been trying to control it so that I can protect myself from disappointment. But God is asking me to trust Him even in the unknown, even if things don't go EXACTLY as I have them set up in my head, because he is GOOD! He knows our hearts, He knows what's best, and that's really ALL that I need to know. I don't need to control or manipulate my own feelings to protect myself, I can just live from the heart He's given me and feel safe in whatever outcome He sees fit to give.

So, yes, we are still hoping for a girl. But ultimately, as I was reminded today, my hope is anchored to something much, much Greater.

16 Weeks.

I am almost at the point of this pregnancy where I could find out what the sex of the baby is, if we were going to do that, but I am not even thinking about that one little bit lalalalalalalalala.

Every time I am tempted with the thought of running and hooking myself up to the nearest Ultrasound machine, I grab back onto the little daydream I have in my head of what it will be like to have that information delivered to me along with my precious baby.

After all of the hard work and the intense waves of pain... after pushing through walls of IMPOSSIBLE that make me feel more like a woman with her feet planted firmly on the ground and a respect for myself and my body and God that increases with each natural birth, there will come a long awaited reward.

The world will go suddenly still and my ears will be tuned to no other words than:

"It's a.....!"

And my husband and I will look at each other and cry and I will get to hold this amazing bundled surprise in my arms and wrap my heart around the idea of him. Or her.

I pretty much think about that moment... all day long. haha.

I am feeling so much better during the days now- to the point where I keep overdoing it because I am just so excited that I don't feel like yarfing. I run around town like a crazy woman and do errand after errand after errand until I feel like a toy whose battery is dying... that hits me right about the time I need to be making dinner for my family. Oops! Sorry, family! Looks like it's frozen pizza again! But look- I got a million other things done today that didn't involve putting food on the table!

I am trying to pace myself. Pacey pacey pace.

Hrm... speaking of frozen pizza, I need to go pre-heat the oven.

:)

Higher Ways.

There was a moment a couple of weeks ago, when I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop across from the man I love, when it all finally broke. The moment came right after Chris looked into my eyes and had just finished saying the words "God does NOT feel that way about our baby."

Tears leapt into my eyes and I felt, for the first time, that everything was going to be okay.

I had just finished telling him how I felt like this baby was going to be too much for me and how I wasn't sure I could handle it all. I told him I didn't feel like anyone was very excited about this precious human life (myself included) and that it felt more like a punishment than a blessing.

How could a mother of two perfect little boys say such things about a new baby on the way? For weeks I had been swimming around in weird resentment and confusion and I seriously didn't even know who I was anymore. I had started out excited about this baby until the moment I started sharing the news. Then it somehow became bitter. I had even begun to question my faith. My God. Add to all of this the constant nausea and the tidal waves of hormones and the recent discovery that I have Hashimoto's Disease (not nearly as scary or drama as it sounds, but more on that later), and you can pretty much imagine how fragile and crumbly I felt every waking moment. I found myself assuming the sarcastic "here we go again" tone when relating the news of our pregnancy to my friends and family... as if apologizing for the fact that more life was on the way.

But God does NOT feel that way about my baby.

He is knitting this baby together inside of me and already loves it as deeply as He loves me. He loves it as deeply as He loves Ezra. He loves it as deeply as He loves Myer. He ordained this child's days and has been waiting for this child's life with bated breath. This baby may not have come at the exact moment that I decided it should, but it came at the exact moment that HE decided it should. His timing is perfect. To deny that would be ridiculous. He is GOD. Life comes from Him, and He is the Giver of good things.

These words are like water to my thirsty heart even now. If I don't wake up with these words tied around my neck, I forget them. I sink right back into doubt and fear. I need simple TRUTH wrapped around me closer than my own skin right now. I have been wandering in lies.

The truth is, I am a GOOD mom. I can totally handle another child. This baby is not a burden, this baby is an honor. This baby is going to change my life for good, and now I can honestly say that I CAN'T WAIT to meet this precious person growing inside of me... this person who already has unique fingerprints on its tiny fingers and itty bitty toenails on its little feet. What a perfectly timed miracle it all is! What a beautiful reminder that God always knows what He is doing, and that His ways are always higher than mine.

Tiny Dancer.

My first baby appointment went perfectly, and I even got the unexpected bonus of getting to SEE the little jumping bean for a moment, which was so fun!

My midwife had an ultrasound cart and wheeled it into the room so she could check everything out in there. I am measuring right where I should be and the baby was totally jumping around and wiggling it's tiny arms!

She took a picture but it printed out really small, so I have decided to take some artistic license and recreate it for you with the utmost attention to detail:



(You're welcome.)

We saw a strong heartbeat and the best part of it all was that Chris got to be there with me. It was so sweet, and I feel like I fell in love with this baby for the first time as I watched it dance on the mini screen.

A recap: There's a tiny human in there and I love it!

This past week has been one of pure exhaustion and nausea. I've slept 12 hours straight most nights this week, which is great and all, but I feel like I haven't had a complete {coherent} conversation with my husband in weeks. I miss him. You guys will have to forgive my lack of blogging abilities for a little while longer, due to the fact that the movement of the cursor across the screen seems to make me feel sea-sick. It's like a little sailboat blinking across the ocean waves. *yarf*

hehe.

10 days, 10 years, First Day, 8 Weeks.

After 10 days in the most beautiful place in the world, WE'RE BACK! Getting home was somewhat of an adventure... we woke up at 3:45AM to catch a plane in Las Vegas at 7:00AM, but there was crazy construction at the airport and I missed my flight. They told me to rush over to another gate and try for standby on a different plane which would take me to San Antonio and then to Dallas and then eventually to Oklahoma City.

Needless to say, it was a looooong day full of baby wrestling and nausea and cramped spaces... just me and two wild children. It went as smoothly as it could have though, and I must say that Southwest Airlines is a ROCKSTAR. They took very good care of my frazzled self.

After arriving home I took a bath and fell into bed and slept for most of the day. Chris went and located my bag later that evening, and ever since then I have been in total decompress mode.

One of the really cool things I got to do while I was in Utah was go to my 10 year high school reunion. My parents were kind enough to watch the boys and I drove over to Reno and got to stay with my oldest brother Jared and see lots of friends I haven't seen in ages!! It was so much fun, and I was able to actually find a dress that somewhat covered my awkward 2 month pregnant gut without being frumpy. Bonus!




(I stole these photos from my facebook friends. mwarharhar.)

It was a blast! I am sad to think that it may be another 10 years before I see some of these people again.

So, in other big news, Ezra starts KINDERGARTEN tomorrow. All day every day kindergarten! I am so excited for him, and I know it is just what he needs at this point in his life. He is a BUSY kid that needs to be entertained 24/7, which.... I am no good at. So I know it will be good for us both. We get to go meet his teacher later this evening. How cute! I can't wait.

As for the pregnancy, I feel mostly good. I'm a little shy of 8 weeks along and I am feeling a bit more nausea each day. Blerg. When I was in Utah I was so so so exhausted I could barely do anything, but I know these things just come with the territory. I've had a few freak-out moments of wondering if I am a strong enough woman to juggle three small children, but now that I am back home with my amazing husband, I am remembering that I won't be alone in it all. I have a wonderful community around me and help is never more than a phone call away, praise God.

I can do this. What an amazing gift three children will be!

Round Three.

Thank you guys all SO much for your sweet congratulations on the newest addition to our family!

So... this pregnancy wasn't exactly planned... it came about 4 months earlier than we'd talked about, but we couldn't be happier about it!!

It already feels so different than my other pregnancies- I have not even felt pregnant at all- and I was extremely surprised when I found out that I was. It took a few days to really sink in. I feel like with the last two pregnancies, I knew right away. This one has not been that way.

I am a little over 6 weeks along, which (according to my calculations) would make me due around March 24th. (Two of my best friend's birthdays!) I have an appointment with my midwife around the end of August. I feel pretty good so far. Today has been my first day of any nausea. I'm praying this pregnancy will be like when i was pregnant with Ezra-- I never felt sick even once! Wild.

Chris and I are probably not going to find out the gender this time around. We think that the surprise of finding out in the delivery room will be really special. There's a lot of hope of this baby being a girl, and we both feel like finding out what this baby is when we actually get to HOLD him or her will eliminate any feelings of sadness if it's another boy because... we'll be HOLDING him! And he will be absolutely PERFECT!

I can not BELIEVE we are going to have three children. It feels like such an enornmous jump from two. Also, I feel like I was just pregnant like, two seconds ago. haha. There were four long years between Ezra & Myer, and there will only be two years (and two months!) between Myer & Baby Three. I feel a little scared about that... How exactly does one manage a two year old AND a bitty baby? I have a feeling it might require superpowers.

We are so so so very excited and I will be documenting the journey of baby three here as best as I can!

Hooray!!

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