tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-254272252024-03-16T04:17:54.982-05:00moms are for everyone!The ramblings of a young frazzled mother trying to make sense of it all. (Consider yourselves warned.)Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.comBlogger837125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-41433342273457469322013-03-10T21:49:00.000-05:002013-03-10T21:49:20.880-05:00new.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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After EIGHT YEARS of blogging in this space, I've decided to try something new.<br />
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Click on over to <a href="http://emeryjo.wordpress.com/">emeryjo.wordpress.com</a> to find my new writing place! I'm sure it will be evolving and changing over the next few months, but for now, me likey.<br />
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Thank you all so much for taking the time to make your way over there! I appreciate you muy mucho.<br />
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xoxoxoxoEmery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-39750979999070211052013-02-08T14:35:00.002-06:002013-02-08T14:35:51.910-06:00And So She Flies.There is a story in the bible (Genesis 16) of a woman named Hagar, whose name means "flight". <br />
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She is a maidservant in the home of Abram. Abram and Sarai mistreat her and things get awful and hard and so... she flies. She runs away into the desert, trying to make her way back to the only other home she's ever known, to Egypt.<br />
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Things go from bad to worse as this pregnant woman, all alone in a hostile ancient world, picks her way back west through the desert wilderness. The journey ahead is impossible, yet it is impossible to go back. She finds herself helpless and hopeless, beside a spring near the road leading to Shur, all alone and scared.<br />
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God visits her there and tells her to go back and submit to Abram and Sarai. He promises to bless her and increase her there if she does. He promises to care for her, He lets her know that<b><i> He sees her</i></b>.<br />
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Yes, Hagar's name means flight, and am I really so different? Everything in me pulls against where God has sovereignly placed me at times, and instead of submitting and serving in the chaos and difficulties that come my way, my natural instinct is always to <i>flee</i>. To turn tail and run, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I withdraw into myself where I think no one can see me or find me and I wait... alone and scared, <i>sure</i> that I am unseen and unpursued and past all hope. I nurse my wounds and justify my reasons and try to pick my way back to something or somewhere that feels more like home, but it's impossible to go back. Rock. Me. Hard place. And it's no one's fault but my own that I am there.<br />
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These past few weeks have been full of grumbling and fighting against the responsibilities of this place that God has sovereignly, in all wisdom and knowledge, put me. My home. These children. Those dishes. That mountain of laundry. That food that needs to be bought and cooked so that I can do some more dishes and buy some more food to cook and do some more dishes and buy some more food and on and on and on. It gets to the point where all I can think about is fleeing! Running! Hiding! Retreating until it gets easier and I can come back!<br />
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Hagar was a maidservant and am I really so different? ha! I feel like a maidservant sometimes. (Meaning........ always. heh.)<br />
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When I get myself into this mindset, my eyes all cast down on dirty clothes and plates, I begin to feel very unseen. I begin to feel like my identity is 'chore-do-er' and it's all I'll ever be until the day that I die. Oh, how I pity myself then. Poor, wretched little CinderEmery. Unseen and all covered in soot! Woe is...<br />
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And then, a light! Blinding, searing, holy. God comes to find me there- all alone in the desert wilderness beside the spring. Go back! <b>Be fully there.</b> Submit to the place I've placed you. Humble yourself and serve Me, knowing I am good and that every dirty dish and every load of laundry is <b>for your good</b>! Love sacrificially, because I have loved you sacrificially! You do not serve a human master, an Abram or a Sarai or a Chris or an Ezra or a Myer or a Truman! You serve <b>ME</b>! The Living God Who Sees You! Go back. And I will <i>increase</i> you.<br />
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Oh, I could use me some of that increase. <br />
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Hagar sees God seeing her and so she leaps to her feet and names that well that she has collapsed by Beer Lahai Roi; <i>The well of the Living One who sees me. </i>She drinks deeply her fill and turns back to the place where God has called her, swallowing her pride and identity and expectations and entitlements. She goes back to the hard season, knowing in hope that God will keep His promises to her.<br />
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And God does. He increases her and protects her and kings and nations come from that child inside of her. <br />
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Love is sacrifice. It does not give up when things feel daunting. And the only way to love like that is to BE LOVED like that. To know the love that God has poured out upon ME. And the only way to know that love is to fully understand the depths of what he did for me in Jesus. Jesus is the Living Water from the well that won't ever ever ever run dry. When I serve and submit to my family and my calling of motherhood out of knowing His great love for me, I increase! I overflow! I spill out to those around me and my joy is found in HIM, who never runs dry.<br />
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Joy that never runs dry. <br />
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Every single time I pull up my bucket- it's full.<br />
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Yes, Lord. I need to drink deeply from <i>that</i> well. I need to believe that You see me. That I am not just another face in the crowd to You. I need to believe that you have placed me exactly where I am for exactly such a time as this. This life and this family are no accident or chance of fate! Increase my faith. Empower my work. Your eyes are on me just as intently when I am scrubbing my floor as they are when I am singing on a Sunday... help me glorify you in both equally and all in between. Thank you for always coming to find me in the driest places and faithfully opening my eyes to see your true Well, right beside me, again and again and again.<br />
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<br />Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-56147026432456161922013-01-17T21:36:00.001-06:002013-01-17T21:45:01.850-06:00Words.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The words that used to spring forth so easily are now a slow drip... drip... drip. They are an echo in a cave and I feel so... quiet.<br />
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It's not the first time this cease of flow has happened in my life. When I was little, all I wanted to do was hole up in my room and tap away my my gray electric typewriter-- writing <i>God knows what</i>, but feeling like if I didn't fill up some blank papers with ink, my heart would explode. Words brought me life and joy and I proudly told everyone I knew I was going to be a poet. <br />
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Somewhere in the trenches of middle school and high school, though, the words ceased. Over the years, I kind of forgot about writing. I remembered my dreams of poetry and would giggle at the silly little person I used to be. I was a grown-up now. I was going to be... I dunno... a journalist? How does my hair look and why hasn't Chris called me exactly when he said he would? And does anyone have any gum?<br />
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All it took was a little wrenching heartbreak to squeeze the words back out again. We broke up and got back together and broke up and got back together and broke up and got engaged and broke up and got back together. The words that got squished out of that chaos were raw and often had some music to accompany them- only to add melancholy to melancholy, you understand. Spiral ring notebooks saved my life then. I <i>had</i> to fill those blank pages with ink or my heart was going to explode. And God met me there in between those blue and pink lines. Those old notebooks are still my most prized possessions, because the ink preserved there literally brought me back to life.<br />
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But again, the words dried all up. I was a married woman. A rescued woman. And I'm supposed to cook food EVERY SINGLE DAY NOW?! I should probably buy a pan. I hate the grocery store. Also, can we have some babies? <br />
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We had Ezra and moved halfway across the country to a place where we only knew one person. I was a new mom in a new place and my family was now 20 hours away. It wasn't until a painful and lonely YEAR went by out here in Oklahoma that I remembered what writing could do for my sad, overwhelmed heart.<br />
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This blog was born that year. And once again, the therapy of writing saw me through, reminded me to laugh, and helped me sort myself out in a way that nothing else has every been able to do for me. The community and support I found here are a huge reason why I made it through those beginning years of motherhood.<br />
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And now? Now I am in a season of quiet, yet again. But this time, I am aware of the void. I am aware of what I am missing, and I <i>feel</i> it. I have been wrestling with God about the sudden lack... is it just time to lay it down until He calls me back to it? Do I struggle against the silence and force out words, even if there is no heart behind them? (Please, Lord... anything but that. Forced words for content alone make my skin crawl...) I want the heart! I want the joy! I want the words!<br />
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So, I pray for them. And I <b>wait</b>. Waiting on God is so very anti-cultural these days, yes? Maybe He is doing a new thing in me. Maybe I'm just strapped for time and energy at the end of a day of caring for three kids. Maybe this season of contentment and bliss makes for bad writing. Maybe I've said all the good things I had to say.<br />
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Maybe not.<br />
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These last few months have been some of the best of my life. I am in a new home, out in the country, and I still have NO IDEA why God brought us out here. But I do know one thing: <b>He brought us out here.</b> And in these last few months I have come to know Him in a way I never dreamed possible. There is straight-up revival surging through my heart and how do I even begin to wrap words around such a thing? I don't understand it. I don't know when it began and I don't know how it continues day in and day out, but I am a very different person than I was even back in June.<br />
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Things are changing vocationally for my husband. Dreams are coming true. Heart dreams, yes, but also DREAM dreams. Like, dreams we had while we were sleeping. Dreams that made no sense at the time, but now do. I've been studying the book of Genesis weekly through an organization called Bible Study Fellowship (BSF), and it is flipping my whole world upside down. I feel like I keep getting saved all over again and when no one is looking I tend to dance around in my living room like a total goon. Because if I don't... my heart will explode.<br />
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GOD is becoming real to me, and everything else just seems to be taking a backseat to that for now. And although I long for the words to return, I am not afraid. I know that they will return, someday, somehow. They always have. What a sweet gift they have been in my life. What a source of healing and help in suffering and joy. I thank God for them, and I want nothing more than to honor Him through them, for all the days of my life.<br />
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ps. you can follow some of our more recent journeys via images on instagram- I post little snapshots there almost daily. my user name is <a href="http://instagram.com/emeryjo" target="_blank">emeryjo</a>. </div>
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xoxoxoxoxo!</div>
Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-88810013518547885802012-11-26T14:59:00.001-06:002012-11-26T14:59:13.312-06:00Thanksgiving in the Barn!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Thanksgiving this year was extra special because we got to host it at our new house! We decided to make it something unique by setting it up out in the barn. Being able to do this and use this space for things like this is really a dream come true, and one that I hadn't even taken into consideration when we bought this house. I have always loved throwing parties, but have not done so much in the last few years due to lack of space. I was actually studying Special Event Planning in college before I tapped out to get married and have the swooniest man on earth's babies. (A decision I will never regret. hehe)</div>
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We invited friends and family from near and far, and ended up with a perfect group of 10 for our sit-down meal. It wasn't until a couple of weeks before the big day that I remembered the fact that there are only 5 mismatched dinner plates in my cupboard and even fewer matching glasses or silverware sets. Yipes!</div>
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I found a set (of 10!) beautiful white dishes at the thrift store by my house, along with matching sets of glasses and some silverware. I went to Ross and stocked up on a set of wine glasses. After that I was able to focus on decorating and making it look cozy down there for our meal.</div>
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Chris and I went and picked up some old books from the thrift store to make some decorations out of. With the pages of a couple of books and some staples and twine, we were able to decorate the whole barn in no time! I love how everything turned out, and we had so much fun making all of our crafty projects.</div>
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On to the pics:</div>
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I gathered up some cool grasses and berries and leaves from my front yard to decorate the tables with, and made place cards for each plate with things that we are thankful for for each person who was coming.</div>
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We made this 'tree' out of branches we gathered up from the property and stuck them in an upside-down tomato plant cage that had been left down in the barn.</div>
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This was the table that held all of our delicious food. I made that pom pom out of some paper I had laying around. It's probably a good thing that I only had a little bit of paper on hand, or else I would have made about a majillion more. I did not want to stop once I started making all these fun paper do-hickies. hahaha.</div>
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It was such an amazing day, and I found myself so incredibly grateful for these people and this place that God has brought our family to. We moved here in faith, not really knowing what God had planned for us or why he'd led us all the way out here, but we have been blessed beyond measure in the few short months that we've been here. I am so very thankful.</div>
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I hope all of your Thanksgivings were full of laughter and good food too! Thank you to those of you who have contacted me and encouraged me to start writing here again over the past month or so... I find myself somewhat stuck, not knowing what to write and definitely struggling to find the time to even do so when I do have something to say... I am praying that God will give me words and time, and I'm trying to wait patiently until I feel released in those areas again. Thanks for your patience and prayers as I try to work it all out. I miss writing and I definitely miss staying up to date with all of you as well!!</div>
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xoxoxoxoxoxo</div>
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Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-43323575343062700912012-10-04T20:25:00.001-05:002012-10-04T20:32:43.470-05:00A Country Hallelujah.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hL3ykEfcvxQ/UG3T2oU814I/AAAAAAAAGqA/qHG-Y3kQJBc/s1600/7996617254_39fff1170b_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hL3ykEfcvxQ/UG3T2oU814I/AAAAAAAAGqA/qHG-Y3kQJBc/s1600/7996617254_39fff1170b_o.jpg" width="480" /></a></div><br />
There's so much I want to say about living out here in the country, where there is room to roam and skies to awe, but it feels a little bit like trying to introduce you to someone I don't know very well yet. We are still just getting to know each other, the country and I, even though there is a part of me deep down that feels like I've been a part of this place my whole entire life.<br />
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It definitely has been a bit like a reunion to me. I grew up under big open skies full of fresh quiet air. My brothers and I, we spent countless hours prowling the sagebrush foothills- picking pathways through their mazes or sledding right over top of them when the snow got waist deep.<br />
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The giddy joy on the boy's faces as they pound the soft ground out here- scanning every stick for weapon-potential and testing every tree for climbability- makes my heart ring. The note it rings is an old one, one I haven't heard in awhile... it is one of carefree happiness, inspired by nothing but God's creation.<br />
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The air cools and the toys gather dust inside. There are just too many leaves to examine and too many rocks to throw. The Summer kept us cooped, but the Fall whistles for us to come out. We follow and explore and grow more comfortable with the nooks & crannies of the land. <br />
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For me, more than anything else, it is the sky. I am enraptured by it every evening, standing on the corner of the rock trying to press every color into my memory bank for all time, knowing that the very next night will find me there once again, doing the exact same thing. What a gift it has been, to enjoy the sky again. I have always found more beauty above my head than anywhere else, and for years I could only see slivers of my love- cut through with powerlines and blotted out by neighboring roofs. To see her again- all full and unblemished, is almost too sweet for words, and yet at the same time, it makes me want to write book after book after book after book...<br />
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I want to learn how to garden. I want to get me some chickens. I want to string long strands of clear globe lights from one end of this place to the other, so that I can still go on enjoying every inch of it after the sun disappears.<br />
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Truman tumbled right off this bridge the other day. He left a little Trumie-sized imprint in the foliage right below. I don't know why I'm even telling you that. He didn't even cry. The imprint he left behind is pretty much the only way I even knew that he'd plopped right off the edge- sort of like Wile E. Coyote's outline in the dirt every time he fell off those 6,925 ft. cliffs. haha.<br />
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S'mores are the new normal. Fireside date nights are the new 'dinner & a movie'. Everything out here feels slower, simpler. I must say, however, that the scorpions have been a little hard to get used to. (I spared you all the pictures I have of these evil little tiny-devils, yourewelcomeverymuch.) We've had the house sprayed a couple of times now though, and they are becoming few & far between. For all who may be curious: Wide Open Country + Little Country House = Creepy Crawly Central Station! (Carry the one.)<br />
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I am grateful. Very grateful. I feel so lucky to be here, and so incredibly glad that I am not the one steering this ship of life. If I'd have had my way from the beginning of this recent journey, we probably wouldn't have ended up here for such a time as this. God knows more than my heart does. He is wiser than my most far-reaching plans.<br />
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Hallelujah.<br />
Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-34641281110031427372012-10-01T13:47:00.001-05:002012-10-01T13:48:32.303-05:00From the Other Side: Balancing a Newborn & a Toddler.Someone recently asked me if I could share any tips that I may have gleaned from that season of life not long ago when I had a newborn and a toddler living under the same roof. How did I manage? How did I survive? How did I keep my toddler from trying to roll the baby under the chairs or stuff his little mouth full of goldfish crackers?<br />
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I don't know how well I can answer that last two part question because.... well, those things actually happened, so you may want to ask someone else how to prevent such things. hahaha.<br />
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There were a few key things that contributed to my survival during those first months with a newborn and an almost two-year-old in my care, however. The first thing that I must mention is the <a href="http://www.target.com/p/fisher-price-snugabunny-newborn-rock-n-play-soother/-/A-13868677#?lnk=sc_qi_detaillink" target="_blank">Fisher-Price Rock n' Play Sleeper.</a><br />
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It seems so simple, but this thing really saved me- simply because it kept Myer from being able to get too friendly with (read: SIT ON TOP OF) baby Truman. It kept Truman off of the floor, and I could plop that thing down in any room I wanted to be in, and even bring it outside! It kept Truman propped up, which he loved, so he didn't fuss as he would have if I had just laid him flat in a pack n' play or a moses basket. I loved this thing so much because Truman would also sleep really well in that upright position, so he slept in it next to my bed for the first two or three months as well. LIFESAVER.<br />
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The next thing that really helped me was my ring sling. If Truman didn't want to be in his rock n' play sleeper, he was in the sling. He loved being cozy in there and it kept my hands free to do whatever I needed to do around the house. It also kept him out of the hands of mischievous Mr. Myer.<br />
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When I wanted Truman to have some tummy time, I waited until Myer was napping or I let him do tummy time on his mattress in his crib while Myer and I hung out and played on the floor nearby. <br />
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Another helpful routine I found was letting Myer watch a movie or a show while I was making dinner. I could put Truman's rock n' play sleeper in the kitchen while I cooked if he wasn't napping in his crib and cook while keeping my eye on the wee one.<br />
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The next tip I have for saving your sanity if you have a newbie and a toddler is to force yourself to get out of the house regularly. Like, at least every other day. Even if it's a walk around the block or a trip to a park or the bookstore or library, do it! It WILL be awkward at first, learning how to manage the kids in a public setting, but keep at it! (I wrote more about that transition <a href="http://sunniebrook.com/blog/inspiration/nursing-moms" target="_blank">here</a>.) If you give up too quickly, your toddler won't have a chance to learn how to behave when you're out of the house and <i>things will never have a chance to start getting easier.</i> You'll get better at feeding the baby while you're on the go and your toddler will benefit from the fresh air and exercise- and so will you!<br />
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For me, getting out meant: baby in the sling, with a diaper, wipes, keys, and credit cards in the little sling pocket. Myer would walk (if he could be easily managed wherever we were going), or be in the umbrella stroller (or grocery cart) if I needed him to be more contained. These little outings did MUCH for all of our sanity, and kept us all in better spirits!<br />
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Lastly, I must mention how, in our household, maintaining our discipline routines with the older boys is what ultimately kept the clockwork running smoothly. It is so easy to get lax with your older kids once a new baby comes along, but this is really a crucial season to stay on top of correcting your older children's behaviors so that peace and harmony can reign in your house. Myer was testing alllllllll the buttons after I brought Truman home... trying to see what he could get away with... acting out and trying to get all my attention... but when he acted in a way he knew he shouldn't have, I made sure to <i>put the baby down</i> and discipline him in the exact same way I would have before the baby came home. It took a lot of communication and explaining why we don't do certain things to babies, but with consistent loving discipline and communication, there was a lot more peace under our roof!<br />
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I hope these quick tips may prove helpful for some of you who are in the thick of that crazy season of life, or who may be approaching it in the near future! Please know you can always feel free to email me with any specific questions you have too - feel free to pick my brain! (my email address is in the right hand column near the top of my blog page.) <br />
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xoxoxoxo!Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com37tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-36412036189784470322012-09-13T13:28:00.001-05:002012-09-13T13:40:24.871-05:00genesis.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today is the first day that feels like Fall, which just happened to coincide with a Thursday, when I have absolutely NO KIDS with me from the hours of 9:30-2:30. So far, I have dawdled long in a coffee shop and then the rain chased me home. I could see it in the rearview mirror all the way up the long straight road. When I got home, I flung open the windows and ran out to swing in the hammock- all goosebumps and smiles, as everything darkened around me. The trees were swaying and the barn was creaking and all the yellow leaves started twirling down around me, like snowflakes.<br />
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I'm living these days really trying to weigh down my moments with my full attention, <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/43192903@N00/" target="_blank">counting gratitudes </a>again and marveling at the skies. I want to view each moment of my day as a pearl to string. I want to stoop and pick each one up, rather than running full boar over top of them on my way to the next thing. Yesterday I was in bed, sick, all day long, but the fact that I got to lay in bed for 24 hours MORE than made up for the puking that had to come before it. haha. Only a mama of a gaggle of young ones could be truly GRATEFUL for being picked to have a 24hour stomach flu. I counted it. It was the 666th thing I've been grateful for since I started documenting them all sometime last year. (How appropriate.)<br />
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I started a new weekly bible study on Tuesday mornings that will be going through the book of genesis over the next 32 weeks. I loved the way the sweet elderly woman who spoke on the book said that genesis was much like the most important piece of a puzzle... not the corner pieces or the middle pieces, but the <i>picture on the top of the box.</i> The whole rest of the Bible makes sense and finds a place when viewed through the book of genesis. I'm excited to dig into a study again, chewing on words slowly and learning about the fathers of my faith- the giants who were nothing more than regular joes like me. Oh, and the free childcare doesn't hurt one little bit bit either. ;)<br />
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An older woman at my church approached me and said she wanted to offer to help me with the boys one day a week- watching them for a little while so that I could grocery shop or clean or just even... take a shower. The kindness of it overwhelms me to tears, and even though everything in me rebels at the thought of accepting such a gracious and free offer, I can feel God asking me to just <i>receive it</i>. In my receiving, I will be blessed, but so also will she! This is what the church does for one another... we see a need (was it the haggard look in my eye week after week that she noticed?) and we sacrifice our time and go out of the way to bear one another's burdens. We give up comforts and we offer (with joy and gladness, without any shadow of hesitation or reserve!) to come alongside and partner in life's difficult seasons. In fact, we insist upon it! We don't take no for an answer! We call and knock on doors and hunt down the needy and give of ourselves in practical ways. We <i>bless</i> and we <i>receive</i>. One will not work without the other, and so I open my hands wide. This season of three young boys has been beyond difficult, and many times I have felt squashed by the weight of it all, the daily monotony, the backbreaking effort it takes just to leave the house, but this kind gesture from a sweet woman at my church does much to bolster my morale and give fresh hope that I will indeed <i>make it</i> through.<br />
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I have a strong community around me that will never let me fall. They have my back, and I've got theirs. We serve a strong God. Of what shall I be afraid?<br />
<br />Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-22869392407125276632012-08-29T14:21:00.001-05:002012-08-29T14:21:48.929-05:00True North.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div>Chris & I just got back yesterday from a fabulous trip to the central coast of california where we spent five of our most formative years of life together. To say it feels like paradise there - ocean breezes and warm sunshine and nightly coastal fog banks all mixed together with some of our dearest friends (like a big pot of Utopian Stew) - would feel a bit like an understatement.<br />
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We needed the getaway. Chris DJed a wedding out there on Saturday, and the rest of the time, we just wandered and explored and caught up with old friends. Our friends Cameron and Anna graciously arranged for us to stay in an amazing little bungalow across the street from them, a bungalow owned by <a href="http://thepleatedpoppy.com/" target="_blank">The Pleated Poppy</a>, which will tell you just how amazingly perfect and wonderful and cozy it was. <i>Completely</i> divine!<br />
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I knew the trip wouldn't be without its challenges, though, even before we'd arrived. It's a complicated thing and a delicate situation, this revisiting such a memory-drenched paradise shortly after having made such a choice as we did... to stay put in Oklahoma and try to remain faithful to the work God is doing here in this place, and in us. I got a hint of how hard it was going to be a couple of weeks ago, when I was sitting alone in a coffee shop for the first time in months, journaling about life. I was suddenly overwhelmed then with the realization that life back in those days was so incredibly carefree and I was SO surrounded by beauty all the time- and I didn't even appreciate it at all! As I sat and journaled, all I could think about was going back in time and shaking the shoulders of that young girl that I used to be and commanding her to <i>soak up every moment</i> of that season and that place! The regret was so real I could almost taste it in my mouth... it churned up my stomach and made me feel ill. The back-end of a brutal Oklahoma Summer seemed like a pit when compared to those rolling green hills and ocean cliffs that I drove next to all those years ago. Did I even turn my head to see?<br />
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God was so sweet in that moment though, He quickly turned my eyes from my past and pointed them right at my future... when all of this faded earth will be transformed and I will be with Him, my true home, forever. It was like He was calling all of my longing back to true North, and reminding me that the physical beauty of this earth is but a mere shadow of the promise that is awaiting the faithful ones of God. Talk about a perspective shift! He was preparing me even then for the emotions that this trip would stir up within me.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wjmKPJLG2yY/UD5o1v8eMiI/AAAAAAAAGk8/SMfgjmLk96I/s1600/jessie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wjmKPJLG2yY/UD5o1v8eMiI/AAAAAAAAGk8/SMfgjmLk96I/s1600/jessie.jpg"width="450" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X4H_XBey3KQ/UD5o2vOS-AI/AAAAAAAAGlE/QconmJyrPos/s1600/kristy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-X4H_XBey3KQ/UD5o2vOS-AI/AAAAAAAAGlE/QconmJyrPos/s1600/kristy.jpg"width="450" /></a></div><br />
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It's hard not to doubt a decision to stay when there seemed to be an all-clear to <i>go</i>. I know in my head that we did the right thing, because <a href="http://emeryjo.blogspot.com/search/label/New%20day">God has never spoken so clearly to me about a thing in my life</a>, but my heart is a brute beast and paces within me. There is so much of me that would have loved to move back to the mountains or the sea, but moving somewhere for the sake of mountains and seas is not the calling I have received in this life. It is a luxury that falls to the wayside when God speaks. I may be a stay-at-home-mom in the middle of America, but I am also very much a missionary. I go where God tells me to go, without regard to what I will feel or see when I look outside my window.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9RSLsCTbNoI/UD5o4OyXNnI/AAAAAAAAGlM/24qKk1x49kE/s1600/morro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9RSLsCTbNoI/UD5o4OyXNnI/AAAAAAAAGlM/24qKk1x49kE/s1600/morro.jpg" width="450" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-98sxLiE9scc/UD5oQRFVUZI/AAAAAAAAGks/pmOa1rc-lrI/s1600/gals.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-98sxLiE9scc/UD5oQRFVUZI/AAAAAAAAGks/pmOa1rc-lrI/s1600/gals.jpg"width="450" /></a></div><br />
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The gratitude I have for this community of people I've been brought to here in Oklahoma is all that I need to remind me of the good work being done in this place. When Chris and I left California all those years ago, we were deeply wounded people. We had been spiritually manipulated by a church whose name feels nothing short of ironic in hindsight. We watched so many of our similarly wounded friends reel and scatter over those following years, and some are only now coming back to a solid faith in God. Some never did come back. But we were plucked from that place of pain and deposited right into a place of healing and growth- one that I am not sure we would have found had we stayed.<br />
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Oklahoma is <i>home</i>. And it will be until God calls me elsewhere. It doesn't matter to me one iota what people may think when they look at the facts of my life on paper, or conjecture on the missed opportunities or location changes we have made as a family, because the Voice that I follow drowns them out so that I can't even hear the noise. In having chosen to live my life as an offering to God, I have also chosen to give up a few things. Namely, the freedom to do whatever makes <i>me</i> feel the best and whatever makes <i>me</i> the happiest. My life is not about <i>me </i>at all. God forbid it should ever become so, because the day it all becomes all about ME is the day it becomes completely drained of love and worth.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sg1k1vGlbnI/UD5o5jTioTI/AAAAAAAAGlU/-WoMnI7K0bw/s1600/ocean.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sg1k1vGlbnI/UD5o5jTioTI/AAAAAAAAGlU/-WoMnI7K0bw/s1600/ocean.jpg"width="450" /></a></div><br />
Consider these words a sermon to myself. I'm preaching truth to my heart in a season of doubt and forgetfulness. That's why I write here... it's a place to record and remember truth as I learn it, so I will never be tempted to forget.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sJtwlUzWNTI/UD5oPjEa4uI/AAAAAAAAGkk/QQtSrouK_Ok/s1600/flight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sJtwlUzWNTI/UD5oPjEa4uI/AAAAAAAAGkk/QQtSrouK_Ok/s1600/flight.jpg" width="450" /></a></div>Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-35613598008330482842012-07-30T21:05:00.000-05:002012-07-30T21:06:54.067-05:00Under the Umbrella.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KdLu-dnaMFE/UBc7H4FWLtI/AAAAAAAAGgg/LeN2xErzWQs/s1600/oklahoma.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KdLu-dnaMFE/UBc7H4FWLtI/AAAAAAAAGgg/LeN2xErzWQs/s640/oklahoma.jpg" width="490" /></a></div>
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The past couple of weeks have been brutal. The temperature gauge is soaring and the triple digit heat is making itself quite comfortable around here. In fact, it has unpacked its bags and I heard it on the phone earlier, making plans for mid September! The <i>nerve</i>! Our beautiful green land is quickly browning in the sun and the plants and trees are curling in upon themselves. They look like they are in <i>pain</i>. A few days ago, the thought crept in: why did I not flee to the mountain air when I had my chance one year ago? Why did I allow myself to stay in this place of unbearable Summer heat and dryness? In the face of <a href="http://emeryjo.blogspot.com/search/label/New%20day" target="_blank">obvious providential leading</a>, doubt screams. It screams and it undermines- taking the goodness of God and attaching it's worth to the painted lines on a thermometer, the drawn elevation lines on a topography map. Much like a conniving serpent attached it's worth to a piece of dangling fruit at the dawn of humanity.<br />
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If He is truly GOOD, He would let you eat that fruit, <i>because you want it</i>!<br />
If He is truly GOOD, He would have led you to cooler air and scenic overlooks, <i>because you want it</i>! You <i>deserve</i> it, after all, don't you?<br />
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Is He more good in Colorado than He is in Oklahoma? Is He more good in a luxury loft than a forgotten prison cell?<br />
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Reason may argue yes, but God Himself tells us no. His goodness is limited by no circumstance on this earth. It is FOR us and nothing can raise itself up against it, try as it might. Not <span class="text Rom-8-35" id="en-NIV-28152">trouble nor hardship nor persecution nor famine nor nakedness nor danger nor sword</span>. (Romans 8:28, 35-39)<br />
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I can not allow myself to do this again. I can not <i>allow myself</i> to feel soul-dead and angry and miserable from the months of June to September. It happens every year, and I'm starting to see the immaturity of it... the blatant distrusting of God in it... taking the pleasant from His hand and rejecting anything that smacks of discomfort or displeasure.<br />
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I feel the tiniest spark of hope, sitting here at my kitchen table, watching the sprinklers out front as they battle for green. Everything is brown and crispy, except for where there has been regular water. HELLO, SOUL! Are you listening? WATER THYSELF!! <b>Duh.</b> I may be dry and weary, but that doesn't mean I can't ask God to show Himself to me- even in this (seemingly) brutal and ridiculous season of heat.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0unG4z_We5k/UBc7VALJZ9I/AAAAAAAAGgo/x0K4cLNKR58/s1600/sunsetoklahoma.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0unG4z_We5k/UBc7VALJZ9I/AAAAAAAAGgo/x0K4cLNKR58/s640/sunsetoklahoma.jpg" width="490" /></a></div>
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Does Summer teach us what it means to <i>long</i> for something? To desperately wait for something like the earth waits for the rain? Is it set-up to teach my self-gratifying soul what it means to actually THIRST? To experience something in life that has no quick-fix or on/off switch? Is it meant to draw me to a source of <i>living water</i>- one that isn't dependent upon fleeting clouds- as I watch the ground outside my window crack and split open like a gaping wound?<br />
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If it can help me find these things, even in the slightest way, then... God, let it be Summer all year long! I need all the help I can get in bringing this soul toward maturity and casting off the wavering loyalty of youth. This soul of mine is far too quick to stomp around its room- longing for mountains and wanting its mommy- the moment things get hard.<br />
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Would mountains or mommies finally satisfy this cavernous, aching soul of mine? Would it bring the rest that it so unceasingly searches for- every day and with every breath? No. Of course not! There is only one thing that brings true rest and true satisfaction to a soul, and that is the One who authored it... who called it into being and knit it together in secret places before the world was formed.<br />
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I believe that God is in control of every drop of rain and every gust of wind and every shifting of a degree. I also believe that He is good. Consequently, I believe that I am in this place, in this season, for a purpose and a reason, and I'm ready to stop grumbling about the heat that comes with it. I will choose to give thanks in the midst of heat domes and record breaking temperatures and brown overtaking green. I will lift my eyes UP, and be grateful for the lesson of thirst, knowing the water I <i>truly</i> long for is ALWAYS raining down on me. All I have to do is put my umbrella away. <br />
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<span class="chapter-2"><span class="text Ps-42-1">"As a deer pants for flowing streams,</span></span><br />
<span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Ps-42-1">so pants my soul for you, O God.</span></span><br />
<span class="text Ps-42-2" id="en-ESV-14558"><sup class="versenum"></sup> My soul thirsts for God,</span><br />
<span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Ps-42-2">for the living God.</span></span><br />
<span class="text Ps-42-2"> When shall I come and appear before Him?"</span><br />
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<span class="text Ps-42-2">(Psalm 42:1-2) </span>Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-89071919571745734932012-07-20T20:35:00.000-05:002012-07-20T20:35:42.336-05:00Before & After: The Kitchen!The first room I am going to show you is the kitchen. When we first walked into this house, I had a really hard time seeing past this beast. Luckily for me, however, my husband is a genius-pro-expert at "seeing past the colors" and really catching a vision for a room, even while it still looks like this:<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BCJx6qdMBM8/UAn48Z9u9oI/AAAAAAAAGc4/sQlMS9riFig/s1600/kitchenbefore1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BCJx6qdMBM8/UAn48Z9u9oI/AAAAAAAAGc4/sQlMS9riFig/s640/kitchenbefore1.jpg" width="490" /></a></div>
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The walls were yellow, the cabinets were red, and the counter tops (which climbed allllll the way up the back splash) were blue!</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_eqHTvc6Qlg/UAn493YLXSI/AAAAAAAAGdA/FucbL2GF3Xw/s1600/kitchenbefore2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_eqHTvc6Qlg/UAn493YLXSI/AAAAAAAAGdA/FucbL2GF3Xw/s640/kitchenbefore2.jpg" width="490" /></a></div>
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It needed a fresh coat of paint. On EVERYTHING.</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HFnGYBOLA34/UAn4_kMk8SI/AAAAAAAAGdI/CsyG8Hltu_4/s1600/kitchenbefore3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HFnGYBOLA34/UAn4_kMk8SI/AAAAAAAAGdI/CsyG8Hltu_4/s640/kitchenbefore3.jpg" width="490" /></a></div>
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My husband just so happens to be the best painting contractor in town, so he spent a lot of nights up here before we moved in spraying the cabinets and ripping the counter tops OFF OF THE WALLS. heh.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-36s4DAcb7EI/UAn5BFIreaI/AAAAAAAAGdQ/sy6S5YTkpgs/s1600/kitchenbefore4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-36s4DAcb7EI/UAn5BFIreaI/AAAAAAAAGdQ/sy6S5YTkpgs/s640/kitchenbefore4.jpg" width="490" /></a></div>
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We were on a limited budget so we wanted to make sure we tackled the most important things first. <br />
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The appliances were much newer than anything we'd ever had before, so that was a bonus. (My previous appliances were older than brontosauruses' mothers!)</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kevl1xUFtQ4/UAn5EqsZjnI/AAAAAAAAGdg/xm-EIkRi2t4/s1600/kitchenbefore6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kevl1xUFtQ4/UAn5EqsZjnI/AAAAAAAAGdg/xm-EIkRi2t4/s640/kitchenbefore6.jpg" width="490" /></a></div>
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Truman didn't seem to mind the circus colors too much. Oh, the innocence of youth! hahaha.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J8bz2_yX-d8/UAn7CrrtzaI/AAAAAAAAGdw/Z7iy9x0b5Pg/s1600/kitchenbefore8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J8bz2_yX-d8/UAn7CrrtzaI/AAAAAAAAGdw/Z7iy9x0b5Pg/s640/kitchenbefore8.jpg" width="490" /></a></div>
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This may not look like anything too exciting to you, but let me tell you why this is one of my favorite parts of the new house: I can do laundry and still be inside!!! My washer and dryer in the old house were out in the garage. You know... like where the bugs all lived. </div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-x_oOi0Gl6I4/UAn7DlnfjpI/AAAAAAAAGd4/mh8KXi235Qc/s1600/kitchenbefore9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-x_oOi0Gl6I4/UAn7DlnfjpI/AAAAAAAAGd4/mh8KXi235Qc/s640/kitchenbefore9.jpg" width="490" /></a></div>
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I can now do laundry in a bug-free zone! It definitely needed a little sprucing up, though.<br />
(yipes!)</div>
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My husband worked very hard, and this was our end result:</div>
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I'd like to get a colorful rug for the floor in front of the oven in here!</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1VLdNzcfpDg/UAn40IeVsBI/AAAAAAAAGcI/4tcfHo_PewE/s1600/kitchenafter4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1VLdNzcfpDg/UAn40IeVsBI/AAAAAAAAGcI/4tcfHo_PewE/s640/kitchenafter4.jpg" width="490" /></a></div>
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Our neighbor had passed away a couple of months before we moved, and his family was kind enough to share some of his beautiful belongings with us. This kitchen table was one of them. We loved him so very much, and the fact that we get to have some of his treasures in our new house means a great deal to us.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7wq4_rhqwOs/UAn42n922pI/AAAAAAAAGcQ/9tVkBwsPWNI/s1600/kitchenafter5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7wq4_rhqwOs/UAn42n922pI/AAAAAAAAGcQ/9tVkBwsPWNI/s640/kitchenafter5.jpg" width="490" /></a></div>
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We will eventually completely re-do the counter tops and add a fun back splash.</div>
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yellow accent explosion!</div>
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My freshly painted INDOOR laundry area! Squeeeeeeeee!</div>
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These large free-standing corner pieces were in the living room at the old house. They work perfectly in here as kitchen pieces, I think!</div>
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Knick knacks for dayzzz.</div>
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<center>I love my cozy kitchen!<br />
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More rooms to come soon! :)</center><br />
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<br />Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-19041185117082713502012-07-19T23:49:00.000-05:002012-07-30T21:07:20.771-05:00In Hope of a New Day : Epilogue.<span style="font-size: large;"><b>"The Celebration" </b></span><br />
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Hello darlings.<br />
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I said I'd be back in a few days and it turned into a few weeks, and for that I apologize.<br />
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Things have been... batpoop crazy. In greatly magnificent and also gut-wrenchingly low sorts of ways. You understand how it goes... The culmination of moving + summer break + husband working all hours for a few weeks + being out in the country + packing & unpacking all on my own + turning THIRTY = many many many weepy meltdowns for this here mama. <br />
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The "end-in-sight" for all of this chaos was the big giant birthday/housewarming/barn dance party bash that we had planned for this past weekend. Both Chris and I felt like this party was going to be the exclamation point at the very end of this incredible one year journey we've been on... the one I recently told in eleven chapter installments <a href="http://emeryjo.blogspot.com/search/label/New%20day" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
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If you'll recall, I mentioned in the last chapter of that series how two friends in different parts of the country had dreams on the same night about a birthday/housewarming party for me that was being thrown in a barn. Little did I know then that my husband had already been scheming just such a party, even though the house with the barn wouldn't officially be ours for another few weeks. My friend Kathryn had told me that in her dream, I had been wearing <i>a yellow dress</i>.<br />
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Allow me to pick up the story where I left off a few weeks ago...<br />
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I hunted for that darn yellow dress for MONTHS. I ordered a couple different ones, but they just weren't "it", so I sent them back. I was starting to get frustrated and give up hope, when one night my husband and I got away for a bit and ended up wandering around in a thrift store right before they were closing. I was in the middle of telling Chris about how Ezra (my seven-year-old) had told me earlier that morning that he had been praying that I would find my yellow dress, because he knew it was important to me and that I hadn't been able to find it yet.<br />
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As I was telling Chris this sweet story in the thrift store that night, I had casually leaned up against a rack while I was talking to him. When I turned back around to keep looking at the clothes, I let out a little gasp. My had was resting right on top of a YELLOW DRESS! And not only any yellow dress, THE yellow dress! I knew it instantly.<br />
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We bought it and brought it home, and kept planning for the big birthday bash that would be taking place a couple of weeks after that. Chris' sister was going to fly in from Reno to be here for my birthday party, and so were two of my dear friends from Denver. We wanted everyone to be able to come out to the new house out in the country and celebrate and commemorate all that God had done in our lives. In the two weeks before the party, however, life got really hard, as it often times will. Chris was working himself into the ground, and yet the bills were piling up from endless unexpected expenses. I was barely making it through the days with the boys because I was feeling so overwhelmed. There were still a million things to do to the house to make it "perfect" and no time to get to them all. A few nights before the party, Chris and I found ourselves sitting across from each other, talking about the possibility of calling the whole thing off or at least postponing it for a while. We were at the end of our ropes and so bummed out.<br />
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But something deep down in our guts told us to hold on. Something told us to fight for the celebration that GOD himself had set in motion all those months ago. We just knew that we couldn't call it off... just because things suddenly felt so difficult! Not after all the dreams and joys and miracles we'd seen! We were going to FIGHT for this party as if our lives depended upon it, and that is exactly what we did. Over the next few days, both of us experienced an inexplicable increase in energy and strength and we were able to pull together and make everything happen that needed to happen. We both knew this was going to be a very important night for us, and the expectation was building with every passing day.<br />
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July 13th finally came. My two friends from Denver pulled up to the house in a rental car and proceeded to pull 30 giant yellow balloons out of the backseat. Things were starting with a bang! Literally. Because I popped a couple of them trying to get them in the front door. haha.<br />
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My sister-in-law, Candace, and my friends from Denver, Courtney & Rebecca, all pulled together with Chris and I and helped us get everything set up for the party. They made a big vat of yummy sangria and helped me decorate and made the whole day completely joyful and fun. We could NOT have done it without their help!</div>
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The time came for me to get all dolled-up. I was excited to slip into my yellow dress and put the fascinator in my hair that I had ordered from ModCloth for the occasion. :)</div>
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Ta-da!!</div>
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We all took some goofy pictures in front of the fireplace before the guests started arriving, because, well... because we are so very awesome! hehe.</div>
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People started to arrive and we chatted and showed them around the house and ate yummy treats and it was a wonderful time. The one thing that was weighing on my heart was the fact that it was such a blaring-hot day outside. I had been praying for months that God would do a miracle and make it some freakishly cool day in mid-July for the party so that we could all be cool enough to dance in the barn and roam outside and enjoy the gorgeous property. All that day it had been HOT, and there was nothing in the forecast indicating that it would cool down at all that evening. I tried to resign myself to the fact.</div>
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But, wouldn't you know it, right before sunset, some clouds started building to the North of us, and a cool breeze started blowing through the trees! We could see lightning far off in the distance and felt a few tiny drops of rain. The temperature dropped significantly, and the clouds created the most spectacular sunset for all of us to enjoy. It was the most amazing thing!!!! I was jumping up and down for joy and every fiber of my being was praising God for answering that prayer of mine. I couldn't believe it!</div>
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Chris had worked so hard the night before getting the barn all decorated and ready for the big dance party. He hung up Christmas lights and organized all of his work stuff and set up make-shift tables and got some tiki torches in place. The end result was absolutely magical.</div>
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More people started to show up, and Chris gathered everyone together to tell them how thankful we were that they were here to celebrate such a special time with us, and he showered me with love in front of all of my friends, making me blush and giggle and snort with love and gratitude. I have never felt so loved and cherished as I did on this night, surrounded by the people I love so dearly. It was the best birthday party in the history of ever.</div>
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Once the sun went down, the dancing started. And it. was. EPIC. </div>
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My husband DJ-ed the evening and everyone was dancing like crazy. We were hot and sweaty and loving every minute of it! I felt the joy of God and His pleasure on us as we jumped around like crazy people and allowed ourselves to cut loose and really celebrate all He'd done! It was amazing and I will never forget it.</div>
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When I got too hot, I changed into another dress I had on hand that was a bit more airy and easy to dance in. :) At the end of the crazy dancing, Chris had everyone sing happy birthday to me, and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world to have such friends and family as these.</div>
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To end the night properly, we put on some sigur ros and got ready to launch some hugenormous fireworks into the sky. It felt so surreal, seeing those explosions of color over my head, and knowing that every detail of this celebration had been orchestrated by a God who loves me so.</div>
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That night, after everything was mostly tidied up and I finally fell into my bed after 1AM, I could not fall asleep because of the giant smile on my face. And traces of that smile are still lingering on my face even as I type this. It was the best night of my life, aside from the night that I finally got to marry Christopher Clark. :) A huge THANK YOU to all who came and joined us, to Rebecca and Courtney who came all the way from denver to be a part, to my sweet sister Candace for making the whole week special, and to my husband who worked tirelessly to pull everything together... just so I could feel like the most special girl on the earth for a night. And, oh! I did!!! God is so good for allowing me to have such a closing chapter on a story that began 365 days before this night, and I hope and pray that HE gets all the glory for bringing my family & I into this amazing new day. May He bring all of you who've reached out to me over the past few months with similar feelings of stirring and restlessness into your new days as well! Thank you so much again for reading along and being a part of the past year of our lives!</div>
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ps. the before & after pics of the house will be up soooooon! woo hoo! :)</div>Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-83572457185281932522012-06-06T20:44:00.001-05:002012-06-06T20:44:57.757-05:00Movin' to the Country, Gonna Eat a Lot of Peaches.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/43192903@N00/7324817354" target="_blank" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="http://farm8.static.flickr.com/7236/7324817354_95222a5692.jpg" id="blogsy-1339032384462.9456" class="aligncenter" alt="" width="500" height="500"></a></div> We are officially moved in to our sweet country abode as of Saturday, and I've got pretty much everything unpacked, for the most part! The move was completely smooth and seamless thanks to the help of our wonderful friends and neighbors. We had everything loaded and unloaded up here by 11:00 AM, and once again I am reminded of how sweet community is, and how necessary it is when life gets a bit...chaotic. We could not have done it without their help!!<br/><br/><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/43192903@N00/7324803906" target="_blank" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="http://farm9.static.flickr.com/8007/7324803906_55c9b71fa5.jpg" id="blogsy-1339032384424.7463" class="aligncenter" alt="" width="500" height="500"></a></div>I will definitely be posting all the amazing before & after transformations that have taken place up here over the last couple of months, as well as pictures of all the rooms as they get all put together, but I need to wait until our Internet gets all hooked up- which should be in the next few days.<br/><br/><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/43192903@N00/7339909822" target="_blank" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="http://farm8.static.flickr.com/7081/7339909822_36676cb791.jpg" id="blogsy-1339032384401.8157" class="aligncenter" alt="" width="500" height="500"></a></div>The boys and I have been having a blast discovering all of the new and wonderful things about this place. We've found lots of cute turtles and a tiny litter of newborn kittens were born under our deck a couple of days ago. We've also discovered a peach tree and a cherry tree growing right next to the driveway that leads back to the barn! What a blast!!<br/><br/><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/43192903@N00/7340292228" target="_blank" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="http://farm8.static.flickr.com/7217/7340292228_84869f93c8.jpg" id="blogsy-1339032384457.7598" class="aligncenter" alt="" width="500" height="500"></a></div>Although... to be fair... last night I was sitting in the living room relaxing, and when I stood up I saw a scorpion that was only inches from where I'd been sitting. Its tail was up and its claws we're out and it was swaying side to side like a horrible, tiny little satan monster. I think i even heard it deny the cross! I died from fear and then spent the next hour trying to relocate it so that I could smash it to bits with a microphone stand. That was... not so much great. Hahaha.<br/><br/>It is so calm and peaceful out here (apart from the attempted scorpion attacks, of course), and I can already feel myself getting all claustrophobic whenever I have to drive back in to town. It's amazing how quickly one's perspective on things can change. I grew up out in a more rural area, so this new home of ours feels like stumbling upon a long lost friend. We are so grateful to be here! <br/><br/><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/43192903@N00/7318411744" target="_blank" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img src="http://farm9.static.flickr.com/8028/7318411744_7ae0ffd406.jpg" id="blogsy-1339032384432.0479" class="aligncenter" alt="" width="500" height="500"></a></div> Much more to come soon! xoxoxo<br/><br/>Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-76327473657282070402012-05-31T14:52:00.001-05:002012-05-31T15:38:56.745-05:00When the Storm Hit.My family and I went through a traumatic experience a couple of nights ago, and I'm feeling the need to write it out... to get it off of my chest so that I can breathe again. I honestly feel like I've been walking around in shock for the last 48 hours- like my body is going through the everyday motions while my heart is wandering somewhere very far away. I've felt completely detached from reality, and strangely lonely. I need to try and reattach myself so that I can get back to focusing on the monumental task in front of me-- packing up my entire house before Saturday while somehow still caring for and managing my three boys all day long. I wish my mommy lived nearby. I feel like I just... need her. I need someone to help me and take care of me and make me a cup of tea so that I can have a moment to process what happened to us... grapple with the shock... and process the fact that we're moving away in two days... but I just haven't been able to find the time or space to do that yet. Things have been crazy busy and really really difficult these past couple of weeks. I've been at the end of myself for days now. I know writing this story will help me to get it all out and begin to move forward. NOW is not the time to have my mind and heart wandering off in lonely fields. I need the whole team here, because this house is not going to move itself! I've got to do it. I've got to get it together, or I fear everything is going to fall apart.<br />
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On Tuesday afternoon, I picked up Ezra from school and I took all the boys up North to the new house. My husband was already up there, painting the hallway, so we thought we would do dinner out there and go for a nice stroll around the neighborhood before heading back into the city to put the boys to bed. Ezra only had a couple days of school left, and needed to catch up on some sleep after the long, tiring weekend we'd had.<br />
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It was a beautiful evening. After dinner, we noticed the sky clouding up a bit. They had only been calling for a slight chance of rain, last I'd heard, so we checked the radar on our phones. Storms were building and approaching the new house. The weather report broke in over the radio and said there was a threat of large hail. We had no TV at the house, so we were unable to see exactly what was going on, and we felt a little bit in the dark. We haven't fully moved up to the new house yet, so half of our stuff is there, while the other half, including our TV and storm radio, are down at the old house still.<br />
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I felt... uneasy. With any severe thunderstorms this time of year, tornadoes are possible. We have a tornado shelter at the new house as well as the old house, so we would have been safe at either place, but I felt my mama-bear instincts kick into gear, and I just wanted to be where we could be by a TV... where we could see & hear exactly what was going on. Our phone's radar images were not cutting it... half the time they wouldn't refresh and it was hard to tell what was really happening.<br />
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What was really happening was <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAoxbFWDLek" target="_blank">this</a>, an extremely rare weather event. A severe storm was approaching the metro area from the North (up by where we were at the new house), but there was also ANOTHER severe storm approaching the city from the SOUTH. They were going to meet directly over the area of town where our old house is.<br />
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The storms seemed to be moving very slowly (looking back now, maybe the weather app on our phone was not updating properly?) and so we had the decision to make whether to hunker down at the new house, without anyway of knowing what was coming at us, or make a break for the old house, where we could be in our shelter AND have a TV and weather radio on hand.<br />
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I made the final call. We grabbed the boys, threw them in the car, with my husband following us in the truck, and we sped off for our old house, thinking we could beat the storms before they merged together and all hell broke loose.<br />
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This is the part of the story where I just want to go back in time and slap myself across the face. What was I thinking? I know I just wanted to be back in what was familiar... where I knew I could keep my little ones safe... but the risk in getting them back to their comfort zone was far too great. Hindsight is 20/20. The storms had sprung up so suddenly and unexpectedly... our decision was rushed and we made the wrong choice.<br />
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We sped back towards the city and as we got down the road a-ways, I could see the blackness of one storm to my left and the blackness of the other to my right. There was a small patch of blue sky almost directly over our heads, so I kept telling my boys to keep their eyes on that patch of blue and pray.<br />
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The blue patch disappeared very quickly. And the the sky turned a putrid green. I felt sick to my stomach, but tried to keep a brave face on for my boys. We were about halfway home.<br />
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As I stopped at a red light next to a Walgreens, the tornado sirens started going off. They were very loud, and the boys started to cry and scream. I was on the phone with my husband... panicking at this point and crying... quietly, so as not to freak the boys out even more. The hail started to fall on top of the car and it was deafening. As I started to go again after the light turned green, my husband told me we needed to flip around, do a U-turn, and head back to the Walgreens we had just passed. His windshield wipers had stopped working and he could not see. There was no way we were going to make it home.<br />
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Completely panicked and shaking, I flipped a U-turn and stopped again at the same red light. I was still on the phone with Chris and the boys were screaming and I couldn't feel my feet and suddenly I heard my husband, saying something like "Oh no! I'm gonna hit...."<br />
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CRUNCH.<br />
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My phone went flying. I felt hot pain up my back. His truck had completely locked up and slid into our car.<br />
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Now the boys were beyond hysterical. Looking back, I think Ezra thought it was a tornado that had caused our car to crunch and jolt. I tried to calm them all down, all the while wondering if a tornado was bearing down on top of us that very second. I could not see anything. I had no idea what was going on. The light finally turned green and I floored it into the Walgreens parking lot. The employees were just shutting up the doors... bolting them against the storm and the hail.<br />
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Without even turning off the car, I gathered up the screaming kids, Chris grabbed Truman in his car seat, and we ran for the door. When we got inside, soaked to the bone, pelted with hail, the employees looked just as scared as we were.<br />
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"Is there a TV?!", I yelled. "Where is your TV?!"<br />
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A young guy pointed to the back office, where another employee was hooking up a mini-DVD player to a tiny little antenna so he could get the local news channel.<br />
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Looking back now, this was a total providence from God, this little set-up they had, because a few moments later, all of the power in the store cut out. It was pitch black.<br />
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"Where is your safe-spot?", I asked, nearly out of my mind with fear, clutching Myer and Ezra, who were beside themselves.<br />
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A lady led us to a large walk-in refrigerator in the back of the store. We slunk inside, wet to the bone and shivering. Chris grabbed some towels off of the shelves in the darkened store and wrapped us up in them. In my mind, at this point, I was picturing all of the worst-case scenarios. I pictured myself shielding my boys with my own skin, praying the earth would swallow us up as a tornado ripped apart everything above and around us. I pictured the way it would sound in my ears... the screams and the wrenching of it all. I pictured my life being forever changed, or forever ended.<br />
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But for now, everything was calm. The sound of the hail was deadened by the metal walls of the refrigerator, and all I could see were cases of soda being lit up by the beams of a couple of shaking flashlights. Chris kept his eye on the battery-powered TV in the office. There was a tornado on the ground, but it was not near us. There were reports of 6-inch hailstones. Straight-line winds of 80mph were knocking over power lines and causing power-flashes around the city. Car windows and house windows were shattering alarms were going off everywhere. Lightning strikes were causing fires around the city.<br />
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We sat in this state of terrifying unknowns for an hour. More storms were building behind the first ones, which had met right over our old house and twisted around each other like a tiny hurricane. Should we head for home before another wave came? Should we stay put and risk not being able to get underground, where we'd be sure to be safe? The mama-bear in me was frantic for home. I felt like a wild animal... I had to get home or I felt I was going to die. My husband wisely decided we needed to wait a little while longer, to be sure we would be okay, before we tried to move again.<br />
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The storms finally started to weaken, and we decided to make a break for it. We had no idea if we'd even be able to get home due to power lines and trees down everywhere, but it was late and dark and we needed to try. We loaded up the boys, who had become very calm and quiet over the last hour, and who were being brave little champions, while their mommy felt like jello inside.<br />
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We cautiously made our way home. It was dark, so we couldn't see all the damage, but we caught glimpses of it in our headlights. All the street lights and traffic lights were out. <br />
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We finally made it home. Our neighborhood looked like the apocalypse. The streets were covered in branches and leaves. Car windows and house windows were busted out everywhere. Our neighbors were taking shelter over at our house because they knew we weren't at home that evening and the shelter was free. We all began to share our stories of the evening, as the kids huddled together in the living room and we vacuumed up all of the broken glass from the carpets.<br />
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Our house took a major pounding. The wood siding has big holes in it. Chunks of our fence were broken clean off. The glass patio table shattered into a million pieces, and the hail stones had broken through both the storm windows and the screen and the interior windows of the boys' room and left debris and rain and broken shards everywhere.<br />
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But we were safe.<br />
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As the adrenaline started to wear off and we finally tucked our boys safely into our bed, I became aware of the shooting back pain I was having. The whiplash from the collision had done a number on me, but thankfully all of the boys were unharmed. The pain has been easing up quite a bit over the last 48 hours, and for that I am grateful.<br />
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We will <b>never ever</b> attempt to drive in a severe storm ever again. Lesson learned. And I beg of all of you fellow Midwesterners to remember this story and follow suit when faced with the same decision. Stay put! Hunker down! It's not worth the risk of being stuck in your car when things get scary.</div>
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Now we begin the process of cleaning up and moving to the new house (which, thankfully, had no damage) and trying to heal from the memory of that night. I have felt very frail the last couple of days, but writing this all out and diving back down into the memory, painful as it may have been, has been helpful.<br />
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So, thank you all for listening. You are good medicine. :)<br />
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<br />Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-35231431819210720552012-05-28T10:11:00.000-05:002012-05-28T12:32:51.384-05:00In Hope of A New Day: Chapter Eleven.<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"Two Dreams and a Dress"</span></b><br />
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On March 19th, my friend Kathryn emailed me to tell me that she had had a dream about me. I haven't seen Kathryn in years, ever since they moved out of the area, so I was very curious as to what it might have been about. This was what she told me:<br />
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<i>I wanted to share a dream that I had last week, and hope that you will find it encouraging... Your husband was throwing you a birthday party. Everyone had gathered in an old barn and it was beautifully decorated. You were in yellow. <br />
You stepped out for a moment to the parking area. Everyone began to sing "Happy Birthday" and there were so many people and so many voices that you could clearly hear them from the far side of the parking area. I'm not sure about all of the details, maybe they will mean something to you. I am sure that God wants to let you know that you are loved, cherished, and celebrated by MANY people. I hope that this encourages you!</i><br />
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I thought the dream was very encouraging and sweet and so I told my husband about it later that morning. As I was telling him about the details, he got this frozen look on his face... like he was completely shocked.<br />
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TURNS OUT, Chris <i>was</i> planning on throwing me a big 30th birthday/housewarming party in the BARN, which he wanted to decorate to make it look cozy and cool, and he was going to invite all of my friends. He hadn't wanted to tell me about it because, well, technically the house wasn't even OURS yet. But he was already scheming and dreaming up the details because he had so much faith that the house <i>would</i> be ours, thanks to all of the confirmation we'd had from God about the place.<br />
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I was completely baffled. God had given a dream to a friend in another part of the country about a birthday party in a barn when my husband had been planning to throw me my 30th birthday party in a barn!?! I felt like it was just more sweetness from God- reassuring me that the house would indeed be ours in a couple of weeks, and that He had big plans to CELEBRATE with us when it was all said and done. We were meant to close on the house on April 2nd, and my birthday wasn't until the beginning of July. We wouldn't have to be out of our old house until the end of June, so this would give us THREE WHOLE MONTHS to slowly move our stuff and work on the house and get everything ready before the big kick-off party in July. Could the timing of all of this worked out any better? <br />
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No. No it couldn't have.<br />
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If all of this was not amazing enough, a couple of days later I got a text from a friend. It was from my bestest friend from back home, Rebecca. Rebecca lives in Denver now, and I only get to see her once every couple of years. She told me that she had had a dream about me a couple of nights before... probably on the exact same night that Kathryn had had <i>her</i> dream. She said she dreamt that she came to Oklahoma to celebrate with me, but it wasn't clear what we were celebrating. She said she thought it was possibly a birthday/housewarming party, and it was held in some kind of a dark warehouse room, possibly a barn, and it was all decked out with candles and art and rugs. She said that all of my family and friends were there, celebrating my life with me.<br />
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You can imagine my reaction to this text. It included a lot of exclamation points, I will tell you that much.<br />
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This was just too crazy to be true. But it was true. Absolutely, undeniably TRUE. Two of my friends had pretty much the exact same dream on the same night about a birthday/housewarming party in a BARN, while my husband had been planning a birthday/housewarming party in the barn of the house we were trying to buy. Now there were only two things left to do:<br />
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1. Plan this epic party, to celebrate all that God had done.<br />
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and<br />
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2. Start looking for a yellow dress. :)<br />
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I will admit, that was one of the FIRST things that came to mind after learning about these two dreams and this party. I mean, you all know what makes me tick, right? I <b>love</b> fashion. I don't really know why I am this way, but it has been this way for as long as I can remember. When I was in high school, one of my favorite past times was digging through dirty thrift stores (waaaay before they were cool) to find that perfect vintage t-shirt to pair with those perfect vintage men's polyester trousers. I love quirky, interesting, fun, and unique fashion. But I have a veeeery hard time paying more than $7.00 for something. If I can't buy it at a thrift store, I probably won't buy it. I just don't like spending money on myself. At ALL. (This drives my husband a bit batty sometimes, lemme tell you.)<br />
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But this... this was a special occasion. I just <i>had</i> to find a yellow dress! And it just had to be... <i>the</i> dress! This may sound really silly, but I started praying right away that God would help me get a new dress for this epic barn party we were going to be throwing for my 30th birthday. (You know...IF we got the house and all...) Every time I was in a thrift store after that, I would scour the racks for THE yellow dress.<br />
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I searched for weeks. And I prayed for weeks. But I just couldn't find it! I started telling myself that I was just being silly, and that I should just be practical and plan to wear something that I already had hanging in my closet. It didn't HAVE to be yellow, after all. If I wore a green dress or a blue dress, the party would still be just as amazing and significant... right?<br />
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On April 2nd, Chris and I drove up to the escrow office, signed a ma-jillion papers, and left with <i>the keys to our new house</i>.<br />
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It was an emotional experience and an emotional day. After all of those weeks of faith and doubt, elation and despair, dreams and fears... the house was officially OURS!! We drove up there right away and toasted the future with a glass of champagne while watching our boys run like wild things through the yard and back field. Standing there, looking out at our new land, we felt completely humbled and awe-struck. Why had God chosen to bring <i>us</i> on such an amazing journey, and bless us in such a way? Who were we to receive such abundant goodness? Why had God done such a thing for a grumbling Israelite like me? <br />
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It felt like holy ground. <br />
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It felt like a dream come true. <br />
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It felt like a <b>New Day</b>.<br />
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Our desire is to freely share this place we've been given, and we're praying that it will be a blessing to others as it has been a blessing to us. And before we've even moved in, we've already been able to host a military wedding and have a family camp out/worship night with some good friends!<br />
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This place is going to be AWESOME.<br />
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I started writing out this story on that very day that we closed on the house. I knew from the beginning of all of this that God was asking me to tell this story, to write it all out... to record and preserve the blessings that He had poured out on us so that others might be encouraged as well. A few weeks after I started writing it all down here, I got another surprising email. I had not told a single soul about my secret hunt for the perfect yellow dress, <i>but I had told God</i>. The surprising email was from Modcloth.com, my absolute most favoritest online clothing shop in the whole world, and it was letting me know that someone had sent me a giftcard for their store! It was from a friend named <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/haleyluna/" target="_blank">Haley</a>, whom I've only met once in real life, but whose photography I have admired from afar for a very long time. She told me she'd discovered a credit on one of her accounts, and wanted to find a way to spend it so she could close it out. She clicked over to Facebook, saw the latest chapter that I'd posted about the house out in the country (which happened to have a modcloth advertisement posted right next to it at the time), just knew I'd need a fun dress for my upcoming country excursions, and bought me a gift card! I was so shocked and I could NOT stop laughing! My yellow dress that I had been hoping and praying for had just arrived in my inbox. (I have yet to find it and order it, but I'm on the lookout!)<br />
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I had a moment, after seeing such a seemingly silly little prayer answered in such a way, where I truly believed for the first time in my life, that God... <b>sees me</b>. Me! Emery Josephine Clark. He really <i>does</i> know my heart. He really <i>does</i> know what makes me smile. He really <i>does</i> want to draw that smile out of me and He LOVES to hear me laugh.<br />
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And you know what? He sees you too. He knows you. He longs to bless you and pour out His love on you as well. He is the same God. He does not change. He shows no partiality (Acts 10:34-35). Anyone who fears Him and believes in Him has <b>bold</b> access to Him. Ask for more! Read His word and ask for His grace to help you obey it! Be attentive to His voice... in your mind, in your dreams, deep down in your gut, in the pages of your Bible, and through the people He has placed around you.<br />
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The close of this story is all set to take place on July 13th, when we will dance and celebrate all the things God has done at the party that He Himself has planned. :) This will be EXACTLY one year from the start of this journey, when the restlessness poured out of me and my husband and I started asking for a new day, around the time of my birthday last year. <br />
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What a year it has been!!<br />
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I keep coming back to that dream Chris had of my blog, with the picture of my old childhood neighborhood at the top and title of "In Hope of a New Day" written bold above it. The more I dig into this story and write it all out, the more powerful that dream of his has become to me. I grew up on a street called Wintergreen. This new house is on a street called Evergreen. And when I first went out to the new property, I couldn't stop remarking about how much it <i>felt</i> like my childhood home. It felt like... home!! Which is what I've realized I was truly longing for this whole time! God took me on this journey to show me that <b>He</b> is my home, and to strengthen my faith and security in that fact. But then, in His great goodness and mercy, He was kind enough to lead me to a place that truly felt like the home I had been longing for for my family to grow and thrive on all along! Only <b>He</b> could find such a way to take an old longing and turn it into something new... merging my old days with my new days in such a creative and unexpected way.<br />
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The God we serve is sovereign over all things.<br />
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And so, with tears streaming down my face, I thank Him from the bottom of my heart. And I thank <i>you</i> all as well for reading along and encouraging me as I've recounted this story of the past year of my life. I pray that it will strengthen and encourage you, and that the God of all Hope would begin to fill you afresh with the belief that He is powerful, that He cares for You, and that He will <i>never</i> stop fighting for your heart.<br />
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<i>the end.</i></div>
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<br />Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-13081727106455428512012-05-22T12:23:00.002-05:002012-05-22T15:48:45.488-05:00In Hope of a New Day: Chapter Ten.<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">'A Dream Come True. <i>Literally</i>.'</span></b><br />
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It was now the end of February. We were a little over a month away from closing on the house, and there was quite a lot that still needed to happen before we could be sure it would be ours. We had a modest amount of money that we could use to repair any major issues that may have showed up on the home inspections, so we were very anxious about what they would find. If the repairs that needed to get done right away were going to exceed our budget, we would have to walk away from the house and pray that God would lead us somewhere else. Above all, we knew we needed to be wise-- not allowing ourselves to get upside-down financially in the house, owing more than it was worth, before we'd even moved in. We anxiously awaited the report, biting our nails down to the nubs and steadying ourselves with prayer.<br />
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On the 28th of February, we got the inspection report. Everything looked great, except for <i>one thing</i>. <br />
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The FIREPLACE.<br />
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Do you remember the dream that Chris had that I wrote about way back in Chapter Six? That was three months prior to this point in the story. Let me re-write it out here for memory's sake:<br />
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<i>Chris had a dream that he and my immediate family were walking through a house. In the dream, Chris said he just <b>knew</b> it was our new house. He and my oldest brother, Jared, walked over to inspect the fireplace. As they peered into the fireplace, they noticed something wasn't quite right. My brother Jared started telling Chris that the fireplace was inoperable. He was saying that the fireplace seemed to be made out of material that would just burn up if you tried to light a fire. Chris said in the dream it looked like the inside of the fireplace was made out of wood or cardboard. As they were checking things out in there, the rest of my family started freaking out because they looked out the windows of the house (he said there was a big window on one wall in the dream) and they saw a tornado coming right for the house. In the dream, Chris felt calm, and he knew that the tornado was not going to hit the house. He kept telling my family that it was okay and that the winds were going to shift, but he led them all down to the tornado shelter so that they would feel more safe. Then he woke up.</i><br />
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Chris had this dream <i><b>months</b></i> before we'd even found this house. He'd had the dream back when we didn't even know what state we were meant to end up in.<br />
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What the inspections revealed was that the fireplace in the house was indeed inoperable. The interior of the fireplace box was made out of... thin wood, like plywood. If we had tried to light a fire in there, it... <i>would not have gone over well</i>. haha. It would have all burned up in there. There was a grate in the fireplace when we looked at it, and wood sitting inside ready to burn, so we had assumed it was in working order, but the inspections revealed otherwise. It was almost as if a fireplace insert had been removed, and what was left was just the wood framing that had held it in place. There was also an issue with the chimney. We braced ourselves for how much the repair estimate would be. If it exceeded our allotted budget, it would have to be a deal breaker for us.<br />
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You see, the fireplace was a necessity for us, much like the storm shelter had been. In such a rural and removed area, where winters bring ice storms and long power outages, we knew it was a feature that our family would need and rely on.<br />
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The initial estimate that came back to bring the fireplace into operating order was around the $10,000 range.<br />
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Ten thousand dollars?!?? There was no possible way we could swing that. No possible way! At first, we were completely discouraged and distraught. It was a hard blow. We tried to hold fast to the belief that God had plans for our good, even in this, but it felt a bit like the wind had been knocked out of me. We moped around in a fog for well over a day before I remembered the dream that Chris had had. <br />
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The dream! The fireplace! The insides made of wood!<br />
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Hope sparked up in my heart again. God had given Chris that dream for a reason, and now I was going to cling to it like a lifeboat. We prayed that God would make a way for us, once again. That He would somehow come through and make the impossible possible.<br />
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We decided to get a second opinion on the fireplace. The second guy that came out to look at it had a much less bleak take on the situation. He told us he could repair it and make it operable as a wood-burning stove for around $950.<br />
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Uuuuuummmm, yes please. We're gonna go with the guy who can fix it for over $9000 LESS thankyouverymuch. That was a number that could fit within our budget and meet the needs of our family. <br />
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Now, if you'll allow me to, I'd like to step out of the chronological timeline I've had going here for the last nine chapters and tell you quickly about the other part of this same fireplace dream that eventually came to pass.<br />
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A few weeks after the fireplace scare, we had another scare involving a... you guessed it... <i>tornado</i>.<br />
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The weathermen had been calling for a rash of severe storms to come through the area for a couple of days, and they were warning people that the set-up for these storms was a cause for great concern. The storms were going to be sweeping through the state in the middle of the night, when everyone would be asleep, and they were going to potentially be so severe and so strong, that words like "Joplin, Missouri" were being thrown around. People were on edge, and the weathermen were telling everyone to rest up as best they could during the day on Saturday so that we could be awake and alert when the storms started rolling through after midnight.<br />
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At 3:00 in the morning on that Saturday night (or I guess it was Sunday morning), we heard the storm sirens going off here at our house in the city. The sirens were coming from the nearby town of Edmond, which is North of us. We turned on the TV to see what was going on, and I kid you not, we were immediately greeted with the radar image of a massive storm headed RIGHT for the new house. We sat, frozen, on the couch and watched the black core radar image of that storm cell pass directly over the pond behind the new house as the weather men were saying, "We can't confirm it visually, but if there's not a tornado on the ground with this storm right now, we'd be surprised. Everyone needs to be in their shelters now!!"<br />
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It was pitch dark. It was 3:00 in the morning. We had NO idea if the house would still be standing when the sun finally came up to reveal the damage, and all that we could do was WAIT until we could drive up there and see the house for ourselves.<br />
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It was the looooongest night of my life. As I tossed and turned, I once again remembered the dream that Chris had had. In the dream, my family had seen a tornado coming toward the house as they looked out a big window on one wall, but then it shifted the other way. I realized that the new house did indeed have a big giant window on one wall- the West wall, and that that was the exact direction that the storms had come from that night. <br />
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I wanted so badly to believe that the dream would prove to be true once again, and that the house would be spared, but I was a nervous wreck as I waited for the sun to rise.<br />
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We drove up to the house in the morning, and to our complete relief, it was still there- in one piece. Only one of the trees in the front yard had been snapped. All of the other huge trees on the property were still standing strong. <br />
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There was no denying it now... that dream had been a gift from God regarding this specific new house- something for us to hold onto when the road got rocky- something to fortify hope and faith in this season of so many ups & downs. I will never again be able to doubt or deny that God speaks to us TODAY through dreams and visions, just as He promised He would do in Joel 2:28 and Acts 2:17.<br />
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Believe it or not, God wasn't done using dreams with us quite yet. As I jump back into the timeline of the story, it is now mid-March, and I had another powerful dream that had to do with my husband and his work. Chris had still been unsure of what God was calling him to, as far as occupation went, but we both knew that things were going to be shifting in that area since the very beginning of this whole journey- when Chris started having all those dreams about walking away from his paint truck. We were still asking God what he was supposed to do-- keep painting in a different context? Paint and produce music? Paint and DJ and help lead the college ministry? Quit painting all together? Our idea of what Chris would do vocationally seemed to be ever-shifting and changing, and we still couldn't quite piece together how it was all going to work out. <br />
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One Saturday night, I had a dream that we were having a big gathering/BBQ up at the new house. There were tons of kids running around, and there was a big play set in the backyard. I was playing with the kids out there and digging around in the soil with trains and tractor toys, when I unearthed a note that had been tied around a small rock. It looked like it had been out there for a while. I unwrapped the note and saw that it was addressed to my husband- written out in a little kid's handwriting. At the top there was a drawing of my husband holding a child's hand, and the note underneath simply said:<br />
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"Dear Chris- Quit your job when the leadership comes."<br />
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The note had been signed by Finn, who many of you may know is the eldest boy of the wonderful <a href="http://littlebandofbrothers.blogspot.com/">Davi</a>, whose blog I have been reading for yeeeeears now.<br />
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I told Chris about the dream, and we were completely tripping out about it. It seemed so specific... so practical, even! It obviously pointed to child-like faith and trust, but we just didn't know (and still don't fully know) exactly what the "leadership" would be, or when it would be coming, but it felt like an important piece of the puzzle so we wrote it all down and tucked it away for safe keeping.<br />
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{{Side note: If you ever have a dream that felt like it might be even the tiniest bit significant, write it down!! Pray over it! Take the time to do it. You will not regret it, and it may end up being a tremendous help to you, as it has been to us these past few months. God speaks to us in dreams!!}}<br />
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That next morning, we went to church, where our pastor was just beginning a series of study on the book of <a href="http://www.bridgewaychurch.com/media.php?pageID=29">Joshua</a>. In Chapter One of that book, God tells Joshua over and over and over again that he needs to be 'strong and courageous' because God is with him. God is reminding Joshua that he does not need to fear <i>any</i> obstacle because the God of Heaven <i>is on his side</i>. The message really spoke to us, and to Chris especially, as he is in this season of so much change and so many unknowns vocationally.<br />
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When we got home from church, I emailed Davi to tell her about the dream I'd had with her son Finn in it. She wrote back later that day and expressed how exciting it all was, God speaking so clearly to His children, and near the end of her email she said, "Tell Chris that I say to be strong and courageous!"<br />
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The <i>exact</i> same words from the sermon we'd been so affected by that earlier that day!! God was speaking to us with a megaphone, and we were slowly learning how to listen and trust more and more as He kept proving Himself faithful over and over again.<br />
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God was going to be with us!! What exactly would Chris' job situation look like in the future? Umm... no idea! But the GOD OF HEAVEN WOULD BE WITH US! We had orders to be strong and courageous! In all of the unknowns about Chris' work and balancing out all of the passions he has in his heart, God <i>would</i> remain faithful. He was asking us to trust Him with a child-like faith... and fear no obstacles along the way. After all, <i>He writes history in advance!</i> Why should we fear the future, when we know our ultimate future is secured in Him?<br />
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After such an amazing journey as this, we were ready, willing, and able to say <b>YES</b> and to wait confidently for where God would take us next. The God of JOY was not through with the story yet. He wanted to <i>celebrate</i> with us. He wanted us to sing and dance with joy and gladness... to seal and commemorate the goodness He'd poured out on our family over the past few months, and over my <i>life</i> for the past 3 decades. In short, it was time to <i>par-tay</i>.<br />
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And so, with one last chapter to go, this story gets to end with a bang. And it all came about through two amazing dreams and a dress...<br />
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<center><img src="http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa122/emeryjo/10.jpg" width="490" /></center>Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-12128356002633446872012-05-16T21:20:00.002-05:002012-05-16T21:44:53.324-05:00In Hope of a New Day: Chapter Nine.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>'Treacherous Hope'</b></span><br />
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After all of the crazy confirmation and blessing that we had received about this house, you'd think I would have been floating on cloud nine all the way to the closing table, nary a drift of worry crossing my blissful mind... am I right? <br />
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I mean, surely, after a person has such an amazing experience as that- gifts from anonymous donors and dreams that become reality and provision only moments after taking a leap of faith- you'd think that a person like that would have no reason to doubt or grumble or fear ever again!<br />
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May I direct your attention to the Israelites who wandered in the desert for 40 years?<br />
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<b>That is totally me.</b> I would have fit right into that group of ol' stiff-necks. I mean, they were led out of slavery through a sea split in two! They followed a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night! Water was spewing from rocks and and they woke up every morning to find miracle-food growing on the ground in front of them! And yet... they grumbled. They complained. They kept trying to devise ways to go back to Egypt and get rid of Moses for good. They didn't believe in God's goodness toward them, even after all they'd seen with their own eyes. And they were not just reading Bible stories about what God had done one time, they were ACTUALLY drinking rock water and eating honey flakes called manna and walking on solid ground through a canyon made not of rock but the waters of the Red Sea. Oh, and their shoes never wore out, through all those 40 years. Even still, they doubted.<br />
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I am no better than they.<br />
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After we'd accepted the counter-offer on the house, I spent the next few weeks trying to convince myself that it was all too good to be true... that I needed to be preparing myself for the moment when it would all get pulled out from underneath me and all my hopes would be dashed. It was now mid-February, and we weren't meant to close until April 2nd. Inspections were sure to reveal some disastrous blemish! Financing was sure to fall through at the last minute! I didn't tell many people about the house, so that I wouldn't have to explain anything after it came to nothing. I didn't allow myself to mentally arrange furniture in the rooms, nor did I let myself daydream about the sunsets or the schools or the large piece of land my boys could run and grow on. I avoided thinking about the house like it was the plague, and I picked up my security blanket of... grumbling. <br />
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I furrowed my brow. I started planning for the worst. Expecting it, even! Every time Chris would talk about the "new house", I mentally scolded myself to not believe it until it was actually, irrevocably true. And as I dwelt longer upon these thoughts of "this is too good to be true and therefore will not be given to me", I started to believe them. And as I started to believe them, I got angry.<br />
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Now, I believe that there is some wisdom in guarding yourself against disappointments, when the things you are hoping for are on this temporal earth. After all, the <b>only</b> hope that is anchored secure is our hope in God and all that He has promised to those who believe in Him: the promise of heaven and His victory over death. But there's also this pesky kind of hope that springs up in the human heart whenever good things are on the horizon... and what are we supposed to do with that?? Strangle it to death, as I was trying to do??<br />
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I can see now that my fault came when I started filling my mind with my own truth, rather than God's truth- the things He says about Himself in the Bible. I was clinging to the 'worst case scenario' in the name of self-protection, when I should have been clinging to the truths of who God is and resting in <b>His</b> promised protection.<br />
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<i>He loves me. </i><i>His plans for me are GOOD. </i><i>He is the anchor of my soul. </i><i>He is a very present help in times of trouble. </i><i>He who keeps me does not sleep nor slumber. </i><i>If He is for us, who can be against us? </i><i>Though the earth gives way, we will not fear. </i><i>He is our refuge and strength, our strong tower.</i><br />
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These would have been much more life-giving and faith-building thoughts to hold on to in those weeks of uncertainty... when my very hopes and dreams were on the line. I should have stayed myself on Him and Him alone. Instead, I hung on to my own philosophy: "If it all falls apart, at least I'll be able to say 'I told you so!'"<br />
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Oh, if I could do it over again, I would have waited on God in faith, rather than stewing angrily in my fortress of self-protection, with its tissue paper walls and quicksand foundation! <br />
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Thankfully, God did not abandon me to my huffy-puffy state. He came and rescued me from myself and lifted my chin up. And He did it all with such gentleness and love, despite my crossed arms and dug-in heels! I will be forever grateful.<br />
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One Saturday evening, Chris made plans for us to drive up to the house, without the boys, and he brought along a bottle of wine and two fancy glasses. For the entire 30 minute drive up there, I was steeling myself against treacherous hope, and filling my mind with thoughts of "this probably isn't going to happen, so don't let your heart get excited". The constant effort it took to keep my mind off of this house was taking a toll on me. I was weary and tired and on the edge.<br />
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He pulled the car around the back of the property, behind the big barn, where all we could see was land and trees and sky and horses. It was cold outside. I felt like a trespasser. (Technically, I guess I was. heh.) He opened up that bottle of wine and he poured me a glass, and then he reached for my hand. We walked the property and sipped our wine and talked. As my feet walked that patch of earth that night, something miraculous happened. All those heavy days of self-protection and doubt and anger started to melt away, and I felt... hope. Hope in <i>God</i>. Hope that the God who'd brought us this far would not abandon us now in the ninth hour. Hope that, even if this house didn't become ours, there was a good and sovereign reason for this all to have happened.<br />
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By the time we got back to the car, I felt one hundred pounds lighter. I felt less like a trespasser and more like a steward. My countenance had brightened. I felt joy and peace. The drive home was filled with excited talking and dreaming and wonder. I was filled with gratitude and completely in awe that God had chosen to speak to us so clearly about so many things.<br />
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<b>I began to trust God more than I feared disappointment.</b> It was a big shifting point for me.<br />
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The following evening, we went to a meeting at our church. We'd recently introduced covenant membership at our church, meaning that you choose to link arm-in-arm with the other believers in the church body and you identify yourself with them, through the good or the bad. You 'sign on the dotted line', if you will, and become accountable to the leaders and the people. You <b>commit</b>. <br />
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The class went along normally and at the end, our pastor told us we were going to take communion and end in prayer. Chris and I filled out the form to commit to Bridgeway Church, and we went to take communion. As soon as we got back to our seats, with the piece of bread for communion in our hands, the strangest thing happened. What I thought was just an ordinary class suddenly became <i>so much more.</i> As I took communion, I was suddenly and completely overwhelmed with gratitude and joy. After all of those months of crying out to God to lead us to where we should go, He had lead us here! We got to stay and be a part of this community that had become like a family to us over the past six years, and we got to <b>commit</b> to this place we that we loved so dearly... the place that we had <b>so</b> dreaded the thought of leaving.<br />
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It was like the floodgates opened up and all of the hope that I'd been holding back bursted through. In that moment, I just <i>knew</i> that the house was going to be a gift from Him, and I allowed myself to truly THANK God for it for the first time. I could not stop weeping. When I looked over at Chris, he was weeping too. It was a completely unexpected moment. We must have looked like crazies sitting there in a membership class, weeping with joy and thankfulness over our class notes and information packets.<br />
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God had come through and answered our prayers. He had been faithful to lead us. <br />
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He is a trustworthy Father!<br />
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There were definitely more hiccups and bumps to come, but what I didn't realize was that God had <i>already</i> given Chris a dream that would carry us through them in confident assurance. The specifics of the dream were so incredibly spot on to what actually ended up happening, that I will forever and always come back to it in times when my faith is lacking.<br />
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And, oh! I hope and pray that it will be a help to you all in those times of trial as well.<br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;">Thank you all for your continued support as I write out this story! I am grateful for each one of your comments and emails. xoxoxoxo</div>Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-54078919756747829082012-05-08T20:18:00.000-05:002012-05-08T22:34:26.464-05:00In Hope of a New Day: Chapter Eight<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>'The One Where We all Cry like Babies'</b></span><br />
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We went to see the house and fell completely in love. It was everything we had wanted but had not been able to articulate. It was bigger than our current 1100 square foot house, but not excessively so. It was on two and a half acres, and we felt like we could <i>breathe</i>. There was a big barn (already partially built out) that would make an amazing recording studio/workshop for all of Chris' projects. It was <i>way</i> out in the country, but you could get back into town in 10 minutes flat. The school system was one of the best and most sought-after in the state.<br />
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And the sky. <i>Oh, the sky!</i> It was big and bold over our heads and at night it sparkled with a ga-jillion stars. I'd forgotten there were that many! There were horses on both sides of us and four bedrooms and a fireplace. There was even a fire pit out back for sing-a-longs and marshmallows.<br />
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There was room for a garden and chickens and goats. <br />
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There was room for my family to thrive.<br />
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It had only been on the market for two days, and we knew it wouldn't last long. Yet, we were still a bit hesitant because... well... this was the <i>very first house</i> we had even gone to look at! Shouldn't we, I don't know, look around a bit more before we dove right in??<br />
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<i>Nah</i>. <br />
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Sometimes you just know about these things... sort of like how I just <i>knew</i> about a certain tall, lanky, bleached blond 18 year-old drummer named Christopher Clark back in high school. Sometimes, you just have to let your heart get a little reckless... break a rule or two.<br />
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Besides, I'd been looking around online for long enough to know that this was something special. <br />
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The next day, we took the $500 gift we'd received and we put an offer on that house. It was an offer that would work for us while leaving us some extra cash to put back into the house for some updates. We wanted to re-do some of the floors and update the bathrooms and put in a storm shelter. <---(PRIORITY ONE.) A few days later, the owners countered the offer we made, asking us to pay $4000 more than we'd initially offered.<br />
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Looking back now, it seems silly that those $4000 caused such tumult in our hearts, but we really didn't want to pay more than we felt we should. The decision now came down to buying the house, knowing that we couldn't fix up some of the things that we would want to right away, or walking away and praying that something else would sweep us off of our feet like this house had done.<br />
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We went back and forth and back and forth and back and forth for a couple of days. An extra $4000 out of our pockets would probably mean no storm shelter right away. If we did buy the house, we'd end up moving in right smack-dab in the middle of tornado season, and we'd lived in Oklahoma long enough to know that a storm shelter was not <i>optional</i> for our family. It was an absolute must.<br />
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We prayed that God would help us make a decision. We wanted the house so badly, but we wanted to be wise too.<br />
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It had been a week since we'd first seen the house, and our already frazzled wits were about to snap with the weight of this final decision. At this point, we had been seeking an answer from God about where to make our home for about eight months, and this felt like it could potentially be the final hurdle in the race. If we decided to accept the counter offer, we would be committing to staying here in Oklahoma. We would be making a huge choice for our family, our three growing boys. Should we do it? Should we not? Were we missing it? Or were we right where we were meant to be? <br />
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Ahhhhhh!<br />
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Friday, February 17th was the day we took a leap of faith over that last hurdle, and it was also the day that God poured out so much confirmation and blessing on us that we could hardly stand up underneath it all.<br />
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That morning, Chris had planned to go straight to work, but on his way there, Cameron called him. Cameron told Chris about an amazing thing that had happened to him the day before. God had basically told Cameron through a prophetic word that all of the stuff that had gotten stolen from him would be restored, even though it had been missing for two whole months. That very same day, he had every last bit of his gear returned to him by the local police, who had caught the guy who stole it all. As Cam was telling Chris this story, Chris happened to be driving right by our church. Chris was so excited about what God had done for Cameron, that he pulled off the road into the church parking lot so he could hoot & holler and finish the rest of the phone conversation.<br />
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After he got off the phone, he felt like God was asking him to go inside the church sanctuary and pray. He hopped out of his truck and went inside. As he was praying, he felt like God was telling him that he should not stress so much about the <i>numbers</i>. It was less about how <i>much</i> was needed here or there, and more about trusting that <b>God would provide</b> for us and wanted to bless us with this house. He was asking Chris to lift his eyes <i>up</i>.<br />
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As Chris was walking out of the sanctuary, he ran into his best buddy Joel. He wanted to fill Joel in on all that was happening, so they went to grab a bite to eat. Chris told Joel about the house and the $500 that had been given to us. He also started to tell Joel about the dreams that I had had- including the one about all of the college kids filling up our new house.<br />
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As Chris started telling Joel about my dream, Joel's eyes filled with tears. He said that for the last few weeks, he and the youth pastor, Andy, had been praying about and scheming up ways to try and get Chris to be the college worship pastor for the brand new college group that they were going to start up at Bridgeway in the Fall. They hadn't wanted to approach Chris with the idea yet, though, because they knew that he and I were considering leaving the state, and they hadn't wanted to put any kind of weird pressure on us if we felt God calling us elsewhere.<br />
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This was all just so... crazy. And really, a dream come true for my musically talented and pastorally-hearted husband. Chris was crying. Joel was crying. And then Joel asked Chris what the HECK he was waiting for on this house. haha.<br />
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Chris called me and filled me in quickly on everything that had happened that morning, and told me he was feeling like we should go for it on the house. I agreed. Then Chris texted the real estate agent and told her we wanted to accept the counter offer.<br />
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Joel and Chris were clinking glasses and celebrating just as my mom called me at the house. She said that she and my dad had been talking, and they had decided that they would like to give us $5000 toward the house, as a gift.<br />
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Say what?!?!<br />
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Literally SECONDS after we accepted the offer on the house, after feeling like God said we should move forward in faith and He would provide, we were being given <i>more than enough</i> to cover the difference we'd been wrestling with...<i>more than enough</i> to install the storm shelter that we needed.<br />
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Now <b>I</b> was the one who crying. I texted Chris the news.<br />
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Basically, to make a long story short, we were all just blubbering like little tiny babies everywhere. hahahaha. Chris told me later he wanted to stand up on the table in that restaurant and just shout to all the people sitting there that there truly is a God and He is is REAL!!! Our joy was overflowing! We had never felt God so near.<br />
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We were not completely in the clear yet, however. There were inspections to be done and financing to secure. I didn't realize it at the time, but one of the most challenging parts of this journey was still up ahead for me... but God had <i>already</i> been orchestrating a way to prove Himself faithful in that yet again.<br />
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He had already authored this entire story, in advance. He does not write our lives out in chapter installments, hoping it will all come together in the end. He IS the Beginning and the End! We are wrapped up in <i>His</i> story, and the ending is <i>always good</i> for those who trust Him.<br />
<br />Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-89893294837716182402012-05-03T13:16:00.000-05:002012-05-03T16:23:18.099-05:00In Hope of a New Day: Chapter Seven<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>'The Envelope'</b></span><br />
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One of the major things that this season of unknowns has taught me is that God loves our <i>honest</i> questions. Have you ever been around a three year old? I have one living under my roof as we speak, so I have a very tangible example of what it means to "have faith like a child". My son Myer knows how to ask for what he wants. (I'm sure many of you are nodding in agreement right now.) Three year olds <i>know how to ask for what they want.</i><br />
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They start out asking sweetly and within seconds you are sure to be dragged through the entire gamut of their emotions if your answer does not quite line up with their desire. They have no shame. They will ask and ask and ask and ask again in any way, shape, or form that they can dream up and then they will go ask their daddy when you're not looking. Their asking <i>feels</i> like insatiable knocking. (Or maybe water drip torture? haha.) You can choose to answer the door and give them a straight-forward answer, or you can be slowly driven insane by trying to act like it's not happening.<br />
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God asks us to ASK like this, coupled with the faith to believe that the answer He will give us is for our <b>good</b>, even if it doesn't look like what we thought it should look like. (Luke 11:5-13)<br />
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When Chris and I were faced with the conflict in our hearts about moving, we started asking God to increase our desires in the direction we should go, and decrease our desires in the way we should not go. It was like we were constantly hounding God- holding out option A or B in our hands and asking Him to make one bright and make the other dim. And you know what?<br />
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He did exactly that.<br />
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If you are standing at a crossroads in life and you have no idea which direction to take, start asking God to increase your desire in the way you're supposed to go, and decrease your desire in the way you should avoid. Hound Him with the question. Ask like a man on fire would ask for directions to the nearest pond. Don't try to hide your passionate desire to <i>know what to do</i> from God. Lean into Him. Cry out to Him like a wounded animal! He can take it! He loves to answer His children. (Luke 11:11-13)<br />
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As Chris and I prayed for our desires to strengthen in the direction where our home was meant to be, it became clear to us both, over a short period of time, where that place was. We kept checking in with each other over those days and months... asking each other what we were honestly feeling, and we discovered that the most <i>amazing</i> thing was happening. God was changing both of our hearts toward the same place, in different ways, at the same time.<br />
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<b>Oklahoma.</b><br />
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We may have come to the conclusion in different ways, but we both knew that we were not meant to leave this place just yet. God was so faithful to answer our <i>asking</i> prayers!<br />
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For me, one of the ways God started to communicate this to me was through dreams. I have always prayed that God would speak to me in dreams, and He definitely has two or three times in my life, but it had been quite a while since I had woken up in the middle of the night and just KNOWN that the God of the universe had just authored a story in my sleep.<br />
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Late in January, I started having really specific dreams about our situation. In one dream, Chris and I stumbled upon a house that was for sale within some kind of an enclosed courtyard type area that was attached to the front of our church. In the dream, we just knew we were meant to buy it and Chris kept saying "We can watch over the church from here!" When I woke up, I just knew we were meant to commit to this church, and make our home here.<br />
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Also, I was finding that day after day, the thought of leaving this city became less and less appealing. Less... stomachable. I started to dread the leaving more than I desired it. My heart was slowly changing. Even though we were now freed up to be able to just <i>leave</i> and go wherever we wanted, it was becoming the very last thing that I wanted to do. I did nothing to create this change in myself, it was simply God working in me. <br />
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At this point in time, I really started scouring the real estate sites and MLS listings for houses around the Oklahoma City area. I just knew that it was time to start looking more seriously. We thought we'd maybe like to move closer to downtown OKC, but nothing was really <i>landing</i> with us in those areas... the homes were all a lot older and needed constant upkeep, the schools were a bit rough, and none of them really screamed "home" to us. So, we kept looking. And looking. And looking.<br />
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A few days after the 'church courtyard house' dream, I had another dream. In this dream, we had bought a big house out in some beautiful country, and all of a sudden it was filled to the brim with college students. They were there for a conference, and our pastor Sam Storms was speaking, as well as our bestie Joel, and my husband Chris. I was helping out too in any way that I could. The conference was all about sexual purity, and, in the dream, the college kids were all really affected and encouraged by the three speakers. I just knew that everyone who was there would never be the same. The dream ended with me walking out to look at the outside of the house that the conference had taken place in. On the outside, in big letters, there was a sign that said "NOTEBOOK BOX".<br />
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Notebook box? Like the box of notebooks I had pulled out randomly from under the bed at the beginning of all of this craziness?<br />
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Could God be saying that <a href="http://emeryjo.blogspot.com/search/label/The%20Chris%20and%20Emery%20Story.?max-results=35" target="_blank">those crazy years of heartbreak</a> that Chris and I struggled through as teenagers... those years that I had written about and documented in all of those old journals that were now in a big cardboard box under my bed... would be used somehow to affect and encourage college kids? Could our broken story be used to make others whole? That has been a dream of ours since the day we finally made it to the altar.<br />
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It seemed too wonderful to even imagine, all of that pain being turned upside-down into beauty like that. I stored all of this up in my heart and hoped it would somehow be true. But... how?<br />
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One Saturday night, shortly after I had that dream, Chris prayed that God would speak something REALLY clear and tangible to us at church the following day. He prayed that it would be undeniable, and he asked that it would come from someone who didn't even know anything about our situation. He was asking for a prophetic word.<br />
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That next day was Sunday, February 5th. Chris was leading worship that morning, and after the first service, a woman walked up to him and handed him an envelope.<br />
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Chris told me that the second she placed that envelope in his hand, he <i>knew</i>. He had no idea what was inside of it, but he just <i>knew</i> that this was the thing he had been praying for the night before. Tears sprang into his eyes. Jayme, the woman who gave Chris the envelope, said that it was a gift from an anonymous person who just wanted to bless us. She prayed for Chris and she told him to open it with me when he got home later that day.<br />
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When he came home, he told me all about what had happened, and we opened up the envelope. Inside was an anonymous money order made out to us for the amount of five hundred dollars.<br />
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We were shocked and amazed and humbled all at the same time. We didn't know exactly what the money was meant to be for at the time, but we knew that it was very important... a specific answer from God.<br />
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Two days later, I was scanning the MLS listings for the area again, and I clicked on one that had been added earlier that day. It was unlike anything that we had looked at or even considered before, but I was drawn to it. As soon as it came up on my computer screen, Chris walked across the room to look at it over my shoulder. I clicked on a couple of the pictures attached to the listing. Chris straightened up, paused, and said, "I've got chills from head to toe. We <i>need</i> to go see this place."<br />
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Ummm... agreed. Yes. No other house that we'd seen online had even sparked enough interest to go <i>look</i> at it. This was something all together different. This house made our palms all sweaty. heh.<br />
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The next day we called the real estate company that was listing the house. We set up a time to look at it, and Chris asked about what might be required if we wanted to put an offer on the house, just so we could be prepared. He wasn't sure if we'd be able to swing it financially at that point in time, because he was thinking that the earnest money we'd be required to put down in order to make an offer would be around the $1200 range. He thought we were going to have to wait a bit before we could put an offer on <i>anything</i>, because our official closing date on our old house wasn't for another three weeks. It seemed our hands would be tied financially for a little while longer... but would this house still be there when they weren't??<br />
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The agent replied, <i>"Oh, you'll just need $500 in earnest money if you decide that you'd like to put an offer on the house."</i><br />
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Five hundred dollars?! FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!?! <br />
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<b>The EXACT amount we had been given two days earlier.</b><br />
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We finished making arrangements to go see the house, hung up the phone, and started praying like we'd never prayed before.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZUme1chZ-T0/T6K8dYcqLoI/AAAAAAAAGTI/i4xuin-yvFw/s1600/chap7-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZUme1chZ-T0/T6K8dYcqLoI/AAAAAAAAGTI/i4xuin-yvFw/s400/chap7-1.jpg" width="490" /></a></div><br />Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-29938624033263325682012-04-30T16:36:00.002-05:002012-05-01T13:20:25.514-05:00The Verses Project<div style="text-align: center;">
It is with great JOY that I can direct you to the official launch of '<a href="http://theversesproject.com/" target="_blank">The Verses Project</a>' website!</div>
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Some great friends of ours, along with my husband and I, have been writing music for the past year or so using verses straight from the Bible in order to help us and others memorize the Word of God and store it up in our hearts and minds.</div>
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What has resulted is an amazingly beautiful and dynamic collection of songs that have not only encouraged <i>me</i> to know and memorize more scripture, but are constantly being sung from the backseat by my <i>children</i> as well.</div>
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It is a breathtaking thing, hearing the Word of God being sung to you by your own children.</div>
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This has been such a huge blessing to me, and I hope and pray that it will be to you all as well!!</div>
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Each week, a new song will be posted that you can listen to on the site or download for FREE. You can also sign up for the mailing list and be notified each week when a new song (or two) is posted. Spread the word and start making some playlists for your home or the car or the gym or WHEREVER! You will be amazed at how these verses will stick with you and comfort or strengthen you in the moments when you need them most.</div>
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Huge thanks to <a href="http://www.joellimpic.com/" target="_blank">Joel Limpic</a>, Ryan Gikas, my husband <a href="http://www.clarkcreativemusic.com/" target="_blank">Chris Clark</a>, Dustin Ragland, Jamie Cochran, and all the others who have helped organize and contribute to this effort. Also, a big thanks to <a href="http://www.10am.org/" target="_blank">Jesse Owen</a> and <a href="http://www.kyleis.com/" target="_blank">Kyle Turman</a> for the gorgeous website!</div>
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<a href="http://theversesproject.com/" target="_blank">Visit the site here</a> and tell your friends to check it out as well! :)</div>
</div>Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-22422400110929739642012-04-25T14:41:00.001-05:002012-04-25T15:00:24.883-05:00In Hope of a New Day: Chapter Six.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b>'The Shaking'</b></span><br />
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Okay. So. I'll try to speed this up a bit, for fear of boring you all to tears. haha. I don't think I even realized how <i>much</i> stuff I wanted to write out so that I could remember it all!!! Thanks for bearing with me. :)</div>
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At this point in the story, we had sold our house but still had no idea where we were meant to go next. It was all that we could do to keep functioning in this state of complete unknown. Chris had a hard time staying motivated in his paint business because... would he even own this company in a few month's time? How far out should he book painting gigs or DJ gigs? Up through July? But what if he started turning down work past that point but then we didn't end up leaving the state? What then? Oh, we were frazzled! But we were still clinging to our faith that God would not let us down. We KNEW He would come through, and we knew that He would do so at the perfect moment. He does not delay. He never shows up late.<br />
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So, we waited. <br />
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On November 18th, Chris had another significant dream. (I will forever and ALWAYS believe that God still speaks to us through dreams and visions after all of this, you guys. Just wait!!) He had a dream that he and my immediate family were walking through a house. In the dream, Chris said he just knew it was our <i>new</i> house. He and my oldest brother, Jared, walked over to inspect the fireplace. As they peered into the fireplace, they noticed something wasn't quite right. My brother Jared started telling Chris that the fireplace was inoperable. He was saying that the fireplace seemed to be made out of material that would just burn up if you tried to light a fire. Chris said in the dream it looked like the inside of the fireplace was made out of wood or cardboard. As they were checking things out in there, the rest of my family started freaking out because they looked out the windows of the house (he said there was a big window on one wall in the dream) and they saw a tornado coming right for the house. In the dream, Chris felt calm, and he knew that the tornado was not going to hit the house. He kept telling my family that it was okay and that the winds were going to shift, but he led them all down to the tornado shelter so that they would feel more safe. Then he woke up.<br />
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The very same night that Chris had that dream, an out-of-control fire flared up outside of the city of Reno, and my brother Jared's neighborhood was asked to evacuate. At the last minute, the 80 mph winds driving the fire shifted, and his neighborhood was spared.<br />
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We couldn't believe it, because it seemed to have such similarities to the dream Chris had had that very same night... the fireplace and my brother Jared and the winds shifting... But what we didn't realize was that the dream would become even MORE incredibly significant in the months to follow...<br />
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December came and went and we spent Christmas out at my parent's house in Southern Utah. We had tentatively planned to make a quick trip over to Reno while we were there, just to scope things out, but the trip didn't end up happening due to our time being cut short out there when Chris was asked to go to Atlanta, Georgia to play with the Charlie Hall Band for the 'Passion 2012' conference.<br />
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God seemed to be presenting more and more opportunities for Chris to pursue music in Oklahoma, which was very significant. The timing of it all felt like a door swinging wide open here in OKC, while the doors we'd pushed on out in Reno were gently closing shut.<br />
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More than that, it seemed that both of us had an increasing desire to remain in the community that had become so incredibly important to us over the past six and a half years. The more we weighed our options to leave Oklahoma, the more we began to grieve the thought of leaving our church family here. God seemed to be moving in big ways within our congregation, and He was using dreams and visions with others as well. A lot of people in the church (including chris) had been having dreams about earthquakes in the sanctuary. Then, one evening when our pastors were praying for Chris and I for direction and guidance, our pastor's wife physically felt the ground under our feet rolling, like a large earthquake. None of us felt it, but she said the ground under her was moving like crazy! We felt like God might be saying we were meant to be a part of what He was doing collectively at Bridgeway Church. A few days later, Oklahoma was rocked with the largest earthquakes ever recorded here. I think sometimes God uses the physical to demonstrate what is happening spiritually.... Things were shaking, and we didn't want to miss out on it all!<br />
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A couple of weeks after all the shaking, Chris had a dream about three owls sitting on a power line out in our backyard. In the dream the owls were singing "Hebrews twelve and thirteen" over and over again. Turns out, in Hebrews 12, the author writes about a "kingdom that cannot be shaken"... reminding us that this earth is temporary, but the things of God are eternal. Verses 25-29 say:<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><span class="text Heb-12-25" id="en-ESV-30221"><sup class="versenum" style="font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;">25 </sup>See that you do not refuse him who is speaking. For <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-30221AR" title="See cross-reference AR">AR</a>)"></sup>if they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will we escape if we reject him who warns from heaven.</span> <span class="text Heb-12-26" id="en-ESV-30222"><sup class="versenum" style="font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;">26 </sup>At that time <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-30222AS" title="See cross-reference AS">AS</a>)"></sup>his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-30222AT" title="See cross-reference AT">AT</a>)"></sup>“Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.”</span> <span class="text Heb-12-27" id="en-ESV-30223"><sup class="versenum" style="font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;">27 </sup>This phrase, “Yet once more,” indicates <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-30223AU" title="See cross-reference AU">AU</a>)"></sup>the removal of things that are shaken—that is, things that have been made—in order that the things that cannot be shaken may remain.</span> <span class="text Heb-12-28" id="en-ESV-30224"><sup class="versenum" style="font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;">28 </sup>Therefore let us be grateful for receiving <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-30224AV" title="See cross-reference AV">AV</a>)"></sup>a <b>kingdom that cannot be shaken</b>, and thus <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-30224AW" title="See cross-reference AW">AW</a>)"></sup>let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe,</span> <span class="text Heb-12-29" id="en-ESV-30225"><sup class="versenum" style="font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;">29 </sup>for our <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-30225AX" title="See cross-reference AX">AX</a>)"></sup>God is <b>a consuming fire.</b></span></span><br />
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Earthquakes and fires and tornadoes, oh my!<br />
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God was up to something big.<br />
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We didn't realize it at the time, but He was beginning to "connect all of the dots". He had the <b>perfect</b> place already carved out for us. A place that we couldn't have even come up with in our wildest dreams. It was there, waiting in the wings, and we had no clue that we were only moments away from stumbling upon it and finally finding our way <i>home</i>.<br />
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<center><img height="400" src="http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa122/emeryjo/chaptersix5.jpg" width="400" /></center>Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-62827791210482103612012-04-17T12:58:00.004-05:002012-04-17T19:38:10.746-05:00In Hope of a New Day: Chapter Five.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:130%;"><b>"Home Sweet Home"</b></span><br /><br /><center><img src="http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa122/emeryjo/nehemiah.jpg" width="490"></center><br /><br />At this point in the story, it was early November of 2011. As I was praying and praying about possibly moving back to Reno, I started to discern something inside of my heart that caused me to pause. The more Chris and I talked about Reno and what areas we could look at to live in/move to, the more we butted heads. He was thinking to move closer to the center of town, and I was feeling adamant about moving back out towards the side of town that I grew up in, which is pretty far from the city of Reno itself. I noticed that I would almost start to get angry when Chris wouldn't agree that we should move back out towards where I spent my life as a little girl. I even found myself searching on real estate sites & Zillow.com for my childhood house and the surrounding neighborhoods, and I kept saying to Chris, "I just want to move back to Callahan Ranch!!" (that was the name of my old neighborhood.)<br /><br />Red flag.<br /><br />Something wasn't quite right here, and it took a few months before I could even decipher what could possibly be going on in my head.<br /><br />I started to realize that my restless heart was hungry for more than just something new.<br /><br />My restless heart was hungry for <i>home</i>.<br /><br /><center><img src="http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa122/emeryjo/home2.jpg" width="490"></center><br /><br />Now, maybe it is just me, but I have found this to be the <i>most difficult</i> part of growing up and becoming an adult. There comes a point, after the days of reckless youth (when you couldn't wait to flee the nest), when all you want to do is <b>go back</b>. You flap around for a while out on your own until you start to realize that your arms are tired and the worms tasted better in the dirt back home, and you go searching for the nest you once knew.<br /><br />But you <i>can't</i> go back.<br /><br />It's not natural or healthy or good for anyone to go backwards- being beak fed your worms and playing video games in your parent's basement until you're suddenly 38 and probably balding. You've got to start building your own nest... you've got to let go of the past... you've got to grow up and start gathering some sticks.<br /><br />For me, this is when things started to shift. It was almost like the second that I uncovered where my deepest longings were truly coming from, EVERYTHING was back up in the air again. The need to get back out to Reno as soon as possible instantly stopped pounding in my ears and I felt... lost. I knew now that God was unearthing a part of my heart that needed healing, and to be honest, I just didn't know if I had the strength it would take to allow it. I was SO weary at this point from all of the questions and the unknowns and the excitement and the tension. I felt like a weary traveler who had been walking for miles and miles only to realize that I had been doing a complete circle and was standing back on my own welcome mat.<br /><br />Now what? Now where? If not there... WHERE, Lord?!?!!<br /><br />I felt a bit angry. I felt a bit hurt. I mean, all I had wanted from the very beginning was to <i>go where God wanted me to go</i>, you know? That was really my desire. I just wanted to BE where He wanted me to BE. Why wasn't He honoring that heart cry of mine?? Why was I right back where I started... full of longing and empty of direction?<br /><br />What I didn't realize at the time was that I was actually EXACTLY where God wanted me to be. He was <i>so</i> good to show me where I was broken. He was <i>so</i> kind to show me where this longing was coming from before I forced my way back home and then realized once I got there that I was still unsatisfied... still swelled up with longing... because there is more to home than familiar scenery! The sweetest memories of my whole life are from the piece of land my parents raised us on. I used to spend hours on the trampoline looking at the mountains under the stars and I know for a fact that God spoke to me there when I was little and He did it through the beauty of His creation. This whole time I had been longing for that sense of home, and now God was telling me clearly:<br /><br />"Emery Josephine, <b>I</b> am your home."<br /><br />Only <i>He</i> can satisfy the deepest longings for home in our hearts. HE is our home. He is our home. HE is our home!! And on this earth, there will <b>always</b> be a longing for home that can not be completely fulfilled on this side of eternity. It's this longing for home that pulls us in to Him. It's this longing that keeps us seeking after Him like children who need their father.<br /><br />The beauty in all of this is that if we will just run to HIM to satisfy us, despising the things that lie to us and tell us that they can satisfy us instead... a new house, a new car, a new wife, a faster boat, a new social media time suck... then He WILL prove Himself to be enough for us- whether we find ourselves in a dark prison cell or a cookie cutter house buried deep in the jungles of suburbia or on the wind swept plains of Oooooooklahoma! He is our home and He is everywhere.<br /><br /><center><img src="http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa122/emeryjo/oklahoma-1.jpg" width="490"></center><br /><br />My heart began to slowly heal. I started believing that God was enough and could satisfy every longing my heart could dream up, just by being Who He Is.<br /><br />Suddenly, the book of Nehemiah took on a whole new, beautiful light. In the book of Nehemiah, the people rallied together to rebuild the walls of their broken down home town. But the way they did it was breathtaking. Each family was in charge of repairing just the section of the wall that was in front of their own house. Everyone took their own section of the wall, and in 52 DAYS the entire wall around Jerusalem was rebuilt, after it had been in ruins for over 150 years. Isn't that awe inspiring? It was a team effort, led by the heart of a man who had been stirred by God, and the people were faithful to do the work that was set directly in front of them. I started to think of Nehemiah as a picture of the Church, the global Church, caring for the communities they had been planted in, until the city of God was rebuilt and restored. And I started to ask God what my part in that rebuilding would be... what was right in front of me that He might be calling me to.<br /><br />But the most stunning part of when I started to think back on all the things God had been speaking to us up until that point was the pairing of Nehemiah with JOHN 15. John 15 says:<br /><br />"ABIDE in me, and I will ABIDE in you." (John 15:4)<br /><br />The Message translation of this verse says it a little differently:<br /><br /><b>"Live in me. Make your home in ME, just as I do in you."</b><br /><br />And, just like that, even though we had just <span style="font-weight:bold;">sold our house</span> and had no idea where we were going to end up or what we would be doing or what life was going to look like, I had never felt more <i>at home</i>.<br /><br /><center><img src="http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa122/emeryjo/home.jpg" width="490"></center>Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-45175385597164038712012-04-16T20:10:00.004-05:002012-04-16T23:35:39.537-05:00In Hope of a New Day: Chapter Four.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:130%;"><b>"Dots on a Page"</b></span><br /><br />Shortly after we decided to start getting the house ready to sell, our dearest most darlingest friends, <a href="http://www.cameroningallsphotography.com/">Cameron & Anna Ingalls </a>(and their little boy Asher!) came into to town to stay with us for a few days. They were so supportive and spoke so much life and truth into all that was happening in our crazy journey. On the last day that they were here, Cameron offered to snap some shots of our family of 5, and he was asking us where we would like to have some photos taken... any special place we'd like to capture at that moment in time. Chris and I looked at each other and just knew. <br /><br />This street.<br /><br />This place that had transformed us in such a way that we would never be able to live RIGHT NEXT DOOR to someone and not even know them <i>ever again</i>. This place that taught us to be true neighbors and kingdom bringers to the people God has placed <i>tens of feet</i> from our own front door. This street that means more to us than I can even begin to wrap words around, that stings my eyes with tears every time I think about how God is calling us away from it.<br /><br /><center><img src="http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa122/emeryjo/street-1.jpg" width="490" /></center><br /><br />Leaving these neighbors will be, hands down, <b>the</b> hardest part of this whole entire process for us.<br /><br />While we were taking the photos, we both felt a bitter sweetness. We knew these images were going to be forever important to us... a commemoration of what God had done here. It felt very significant, like a stake in the ground. <br /><br />This was really going to happen, wasn't it?<br /><br />******************************<br /><br />One weekend after Cam & Anna left, I woke up feeling really burdened with an urgency about... something. It took a couple of hours for me to fully wake up and put my finger on what I was feeling, but I could NOT shake it all morning... like I was going to miss something really important and I needed to figure it out quickly. Later in the morning, I suddenly knew what it was. We needed to talk to the neighbors a couple of houses down from us about buying our house. We didn't see these neighbors very often, but we knew that they had bought another house on the street a few months prior and turned it into a really nice rental property. I told Chris that I felt like we needed to talk to them, like <i>now</i>. Chris said he'd been feeling the same way, and wouldn't you believe it, when he went outside, there they were out in their driveway! This was a rare opportunity. I all but <b>pushed</b> him out of the garage to go talk to them about our house. heh.<br /><br />As it turns out, they were interested. After a few weeks of going back and forth to figure out all of the details, they told us they wanted to go ahead with the deal.<br /><br />What this all meant was:<br />1. We wouldn't have to show the house at all! No signs in the yard! No realtor fees!!<br />2. They agreed to the price we needed in order to get all of our equity out of the house.<br />3. They also agreed to let us RENT THE HOUSE through June, when Ezra finished first grade, and then month-to-month if we needed, so that we wouldn't have to move out before we knew where we were meant to end up. (!!!)<br />4. They wanted Chris to do all of the painting in this house and another house of theirs, which in the long run would allow us to rent the house for even less than we were paying in a mortgage before. We could be saving money!<br />5. When we finally figured out where we were supposed to go, we would be able to just... <i>go</i>, because we weren't tied down by anything anymore.<br />6. As we talked back and forth over the contract, we even got to strike up a friendship with these neighbors that we hadn't had in the past!<br /><br />It was crazy. All of our questions about how to sell the house and what it would all look like were answered in one fell swoop. We could not have dreamed up a better scenario if we'd tried.<br /><br /><br />****************************************<br /><br />During this time I also started doing a bible study at my church on the book of Ezra in the Bible. This book is (obviously) dear to me, seeing as how <a href="http://emeryjo.blogspot.com/2006/09/whats-in-name.html">my eldest son is named Ezra</a> (that's another cool story altogether!), and God had been speaking to us about Nehemiah from the beginning of all of this stirring. What I learned from that study was life-changing... mainly that God really is <b>sovereign</b> and He stirs the hearts of men (even men who don't know Him!) in order to bring his plans to pass. Over and over again in the books of Ezra & Nehemiah, it talks of how God had "stirred the heart" of pagan kings and Israelites - people who loved Him and people who didn't - in order to carry out His will. Crazy, unthinkable stuff happened... all because God stirred someone's heart to answer in a certain way or provide a certain thing. I realized in this study that <i>God writes history in advance</i>, and I don't need to worry about my future or any detail of my life because HE is in control! I also came to believe more and more that God really was stirring <i>my</i> heart, and that I needed to listen to all the tumult I felt inside of me and stop trying to just shut it down all the time.<br /><br />One night, not long after I started the Ezra study, Chris had fallen asleep out on the couch in our living room. At around 3:00 in the morning, he was woken with a start when he heard a voice, a female voice, coming from near the head of the couch that said, loud and clear, <b>"The time you're spending with Ezra will be very helpful."</b> He sat straight up and peered in the darkness over at that side of the couch. He told me later that he thought I had been standing there, talking... but no one was there.<br /><br />At first he thought the voice was talking about our son, Ezra. But when he shared the dream with me that next morning, I just knew that it was talking about all the truths I was learning in the study on the Book of Ezra. We were, again, completely blown away. God doesn't really speak this loudly to His children anymore, does He??<br /><br />Oh yes. He DOES.<br /><br />Right before he'd been woken up that night, Chris had been having a very realistic dream. He said in the dream he could see my blog. At the top of the blog, in big bold writing, it said <b>"In Hope of A New Day"</b>, and there was a picture of my old neighborhood where I'd grown up. (I grew up in a rural area outside of Reno, on a little street called <b>Wintergreen</b>.) It was just a short flash of a dream, and then he had been woken up by that audible voice.<br /><br />Needless to say, we started to believe that God really <i>does</i> speak in amazing and mysterious ways. All of these things felt like dots on a page, and nothing was quite connecting just yet, but we started to believe without a doubt that <i>they were going to</i>. I tried to write down every dream and situation that felt significant, so that I wouldn't forget.<br /><br />Chris told me one day shortly after he had that dream that He felt like He needed to repent for always saying "If we're going to ever move again, God is going to have to speak to me from a burning bush!" He started realizing that he had been putting parameters and boundaries around the way he thought things should happen. He even apologized to <i>me</i>, saying he never meant to make me feel like he was being stubborn or hard-hearted towards God and wasn't hearing my heart and my desire for newness. I thanked him for his sincere and humble apology, and didn't think much more of it until I went to pick up Myer from his school a couple of days later and found this sitting on top of his Lightning McQueen backpack:<br /><br /><center><img src="http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa122/emeryjo/burningbush.jpg" width="490" /></center><br /><br />I knew exactly what it was when I saw it, but I turned to Myer and said, totally exasperated, "What IS this, buddy?"<br /><br />One of his teachers who was walking by stopped, looked right at me, smiled, and said, "Why, it's a burning bush!!"<br /><br />I could not stop laughing. I texted this picture to Chris as soon as I got in my car.<br /><br />Apparently, God also has a sense of humor.<br /><br />:)Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-38219816828150340712012-04-10T11:56:00.008-05:002012-04-11T12:06:21.566-05:00In Hope of a New Day: Chapter Three.<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:130%;">"Wise Council"</span></b><br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KkfgC04bEdQ/T4SDWLcJKFI/AAAAAAAAGRk/W6dN92Jh6Hg/s1600/6086019808_4dc02831b9_o.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KkfgC04bEdQ/T4SDWLcJKFI/AAAAAAAAGRk/W6dN92Jh6Hg/s400/6086019808_4dc02831b9_o.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729849042973304914" /></a><br /><br />As we started to talk about and process a potential move back to Reno, there were a lot of mixed emotions floating around. One day I would feel completely excited about it... the mountains, the old friends, the family, the less intense weather... and the very next day I would feel nothing but fear and uncertainty. I mean, how exactly does one go <i>back</i>, you know? Back to a place that knew you ten years ago, and has its own view of who you are, when you are no longer that same person? It felt a little bit like a butterfly trying to wedge its way back into its old cocoon. The thought of it felt a little confining.<br /><br />Through all of these emotions and doubts, though, I kept telling God that I would go WHEREVER He wanted to send me. Even if going back home would be uncomfortable in some ways, I would go without hesitation if I felt Him leading us there. It became my daily mantra: "I will go wherever You want us to go, Lord. Reno or Alaska or the Czech Republic or Timbuktu!! You lead, I follow." It was a really tense time, because there were a bajillion unknowns coupled with a complete <i>willingness</i>, and only a crumb or two of clarity. That combination made for some frazzled emotions, let me tell you. Most days I felt like my head and my heart were just a loud mass of noise, and I couldn't find the mute button. I couldn't turn off the questions that were swirling around in my brain all day long.<br /><br />Chris was still dreaming like crazy during all of this. He had some dreams about Lake Tahoe (which is just outside of Reno) and his old high school, but none of them brought any clarity, just more and more questions. We met with our friends Brad & Bethany to process and pray through all of this stirring we were feeling, and they encouraged us to run to God with our desires and longings, and to start pushing on doors like kids who were exploring a big old house for the first time. This advice helped us tremendously throughout this entire season. God can handle our asking and knocking and exploring!! He is faithful to lead us in the direction He has mapped out for us if we will just keep listening for His voice. He will not let our feet slip or stray to the right or the left if we are truly seeking after His heart. He is a good shepherd who gently guides His flock.<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vsOxlXSR0fM/T4SC2VVzZGI/AAAAAAAAGRY/vPhUvhdZw-E/s1600/6185463315_195732c90e_o.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vsOxlXSR0fM/T4SC2VVzZGI/AAAAAAAAGRY/vPhUvhdZw-E/s400/6185463315_195732c90e_o.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729848495875253346" /></a><br /><br />We really wanted to explore all the things that we felt God might be speaking, so Chris started touching base with paint companies and churches in the Reno area that we knew of or had contact with a decade before. This was one way of "pushing on doors" out there to see if anything would open to us. We continued to meet with friends and people in our community that we trust in order to pray & truthfully process what we were feeling. <br /><br />We cast some hooks out into the water, and then we waited.<br /><br />One Sunday at church, Chris ended up talking with a couple (our friend Cordell's parents) who had just moved to Oklahoma City after a similar whirlwind experience of feeling like God was calling them somewhere new. They had some really great advice and words of wisdom for us that had helped them take the leap of faith and follow God's leading even though it felt scary and uncertain. They said that throughout the whole process, it was like they would take a tiny step towards something in faith, and God would meet them there with confirmation. Then they would feel led to take another little scary step out of their comfort zone, and God would meet them there with blessing and confirmation again. Again and again and again, baby step after baby step, God led them all the way to Oklahoma City. We started to pray that God would do the same thing for us.<br /><br />Late in September of last year, Chris woke up super early one morning and couldn't go back to sleep. He stumbled out to the kitchen table to pray and read his Bible while the house was still quiet. As He was praying, He started to feel like we were supposed to put the house on the market, as a first step of faith. <br /><br />When I woke up later that morning, Chris told me what he had felt like God was asking him, and I completely agreed. I had been feeling the exact same thing for a couple of days prior.<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8BWCmWyK9kw/T4SCW3nNBNI/AAAAAAAAGRM/kujErQuIKwU/s1600/vintagelivingroom.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8BWCmWyK9kw/T4SCW3nNBNI/AAAAAAAAGRM/kujErQuIKwU/s400/vintagelivingroom.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729847955319227602" /></a><br /><br />So. It was time to sell our precious little house, where all three of our children had grown from babies into boys. The <i>only</i> house that any of them had ever known... the house where we had become a family. The thought of it was completely frightening, but underneath the fear and the questions there was a solid sense of peace. I knew that God was asking us to take this step of faith, and I also knew that He would be faithful to protect us in it. I tried not to cling to the "who what when where whys?" and instead I tried to cling to God in trust. It was <b>hard</b>. <br /><br />I mean... where would we live if the house sold right away? How would we show this tiny house to potential buyers with three boys who were like tiny tornadoes of destruction and still needed to nap throughout the day? Would we have to move into an apartment nearby so Ezra could finish out the school year? What if we still had no idea where we were supposed to move when the house sold? WOULD the house sell? Would we be able to buy another house somewhere else- in a different state- where the cost of housing is so much more? Would we rent? Was Chris supposed to switch vocations in the midst of all of this? Should he start applying for random jobs in Reno or here in Oklahoma or elsewhere, or should he continue painting? Would he be able to transfer his painting business to a different state, a different economy? Was he even supposed to?<br /><br />HOW THE HECK was all of this going to work out?!? I could see NO possible way. I felt completely helpless to figure it all out.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--4X4tKG02vU/T4SEiMjLAPI/AAAAAAAAGRw/a3UMR7Yh1do/s1600/6138284780_d8e8079a40_o.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--4X4tKG02vU/T4SEiMjLAPI/AAAAAAAAGRw/a3UMR7Yh1do/s400/6138284780_d8e8079a40_o.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729850348941279474" /></a><br /><br />We agreed that morning to take the leap of faith, despite the screaming questions. We started getting the house ready to sell. And what happened next was more perfect than anything we could have ever "schemed up" or "mapped out" on our own. The God of the Impossible came through and <i>made</i> a perfect way.Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-58794012043495620862012-04-06T13:57:00.001-05:002012-04-06T14:03:08.837-05:00In Hope of a New Day: Chapter Two.<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:130%;">"The Land of our Fathers"</span></b><br /><br /><center><img src="http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa122/emeryjo/kc.jpg" width="480" /></center><br /><br />A few days before Chris and I talked about moving, we had taken a trip up to Kansas City to meet up with my friend Harmony and her sweet little family. Harmony gave me a book for my birthday called '1000 Gifts' by Ann Voskamp. I didn't know it at the time, but this book would be like a lifeboat in the crazy storm that was ahead. It helped me anchor my longings to God, and it kept me focused on being thankful and grateful for every single moment, even when I didn't know what the "plan" was going to be. I started to <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/43192903@N00">count & document</a> the things that I was thankful for throughout my days. It was (and continues to be) a completely life changing exercise. It helped me to stop grumbling and be able to ask for <i>new things</i> without despising the <i>old things</i>, if that makes any sense. <br /><br />I read that book THREE TIMES in five months... it was that good. ha!<br /><br />As my eyes started to open to the God who is everywhere and all around me at every moment of every day, I started to trust Him more. And as I was able to start trusting Him more, things started getting really exciting. We started to hear God speaking to us in ways we never imagined He would. Chris started having really significant dreams almost every night. Lots of the dreams were about his work truck... selling it, trading it in, walking away from it and knowing he couldn't go back to it, watching it get swept up and washed away in a raging river...<br /><br />The thing you need to know about my husband is that he is a passionate and talented musician, who, for the last 10 years, has been "Clark Kent-ing" as a Painting Contractor. He labors faithfully with his hands and he never grumbles and all the while, there is this gift inside of him that has purpose and destiny written all over it. For 10 years, I have been praying that God would swoop him up and make all of his wildest dreams come true.<br /><br />On the morning of September 20th, I was driving around in my car after I had dropped Myer off at school. I was listening to a song by The Robbie Seay Band called <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKTwwGh8gMo">"New Day"</a> (OF ALL THINGS) and the lyrics were echoing everything that was in my heart. I was singing at the top of my lungs. I hadn't heard the song in a very long time, and the only reason I had pulled it out again that morning was because Myer saw the CD in the car and <s>asked politely</s> <B>demanded</B> that I put "the black one" in. <br /><br />As I was singing along, I suddenly felt this urgency to pray for my husband. I wasn't quite sure what to pray, so as I drove I just started praying that God would make all of the dreams in Chris' heart come true. But this time, something different happened as I was praying those words. This time, I heard in my spirit, clear as day, a resounding "YES". And not just a quiet, timid little "yes", but a bold and loud and unexpected "YES!!" that reverberated in me and sent chills up and down my whole body and instantly filled my eyes with so many tears that I had to pull off the road because I could not see. I wept and I prayed and I was in complete shock and awe. I felt like God was telling me that he was going to speak to my husband that very day.<br /><br />I was physically shaking when I called Chris. I had completely forgotten it, but he was going to a conference that day- a leadership conference for local businessmen. Chris had felt very strongly that he needed to sign up and attend this event. He had NO idea at the time why he was signing up for this thing, but he really felt like God had asked him to. When I called him, it was just getting ready to start. I quickly told him I loved him and felt like God wanted to speak to him today. He said he had been feeling the exact same thing, and we hung up.<br /><br />He sent me a picture later in the morning of the bulletin they handed him when he walked in the door. At the very bottom, the words:<br /><br /><center><img src="http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa122/emeryjo/conference.jpg" width="480" /></center><br /><br />Get ready. It's a new day.<br /><br />I kept praying all morning long and I couldn't wipe the giddy smile off of my face. I anxiously awaited a phone call from Chris to find out how the day had gone.<br /><br />Later that afternoon, he called. He was on his way home and he was talking so fast and sporadically, I had a hard time following everything he was saying. He was excited and felt like God had spoken to him about two things specifically. The first thing was the Old Testament book of Nehemiah. The second thing was the book of John, chapter 15.<br /><br />Now, this next part may sound totally crazy, and even I still have a hard time believing it, but just bear with me here for a moment. As Chris was talking to me on the phone, I was kind of pacing around the house, listening and feeling really excited. Without even realizing what I was doing or WHY I was doing it, I found myself digging around under our bed, with the phone still pushed up to my ear. I reached under there and pulled out this giant cardboard box that has been under there for YEARS, and that I have never gotten out before. I sat on the floor by our bed, still listening to Chris talk about the conference, and I opened the box. It is full of all of my old journals from the past 12 years of my life. On the very top was a bright red spiral bound notebook from 2005. I pulled it out and set it in my lap.<br /><br /><center><img src="http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa122/emeryjo/journals.jpg" width="480" /></center><br /><br />Now, mind you, I still didn't really have any conscious idea of what I was doing. I was just "going through the motions" and listening to Chris. I opened up the journal that I had set in my lap. The page that it fell open to was a synopsis, in my own handwriting, of the story of Ezra & Nehemiah, and at the very top of it all I had written <b>"John 15"</b>. <br /><br />Needless to say, I was speechless. I had mindlessly pulled out a journal that I hadn't seen in years and opened it right to a page that had Nehemiah and John 15 written on it, AS my husband was telling me God spoke to him about Nehemiah and John 15. Uhh... whaaaaaaat? I told Chris what had happened and we were both... just... in shock. He came home and we talked about all the crazy things that had happened that day.<br /><br />He was telling me how Nehemiah had been called back to "the land of his fathers" to help rebuild the city that was in ruins. As he heard the speaker talk about all of this, Chris couldn't get one place off of his mind... one of the places that was hit the hardest when the economy started to tank back in 2008... a place that has some of the highest unemployment & foreclosure rates in the entire country.<br /><br />The city where we grew up. <br /><br />The literal "land of our fathers".<br /><br /><center><img src="http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa122/emeryjo/reno.jpg" width="480" /></center><br />Reno, Nevada....Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25427225.post-75228101757924117072012-04-02T21:00:00.000-05:002012-04-02T21:06:30.775-05:00In Hope of A New Day: Chapter One.<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:130%;">"The Longing"</span></b><br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bZ_uksxaGt8/T3pS9luFqeI/AAAAAAAAGQQ/iO3wO08EcOE/s1600/hope.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bZ_uksxaGt8/T3pS9luFqeI/AAAAAAAAGQQ/iO3wO08EcOE/s400/hope.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5726981094205925858" /></a><br /><br />There are times in life when it feels like everything in you is being stirred up, heart soul and spirit, like a big pot of stew on the stove. Have you ever experienced this? Your inner person all a'tumble? It can happen suddenly or gradually, but the churning seems to come from somewhere beyond your control, and, try as you might, you just can't get it to bed back down again.<br /><br />I am slowly beginning to learn that, in times like these, there really are only two options:<br /><br />1. Trust the momentum and follow it, or<br /><br />2. Fight it until you're bone-tired, and are swept up in it all the same.<br /><br />This has been just such a season for us. And somewhere along the way there came a moment when both Chris and I made that unnerving decision to <i>follow</i> the current rather than <i>fight</i> it, which, I believe, has made all the difference.<br /><br />It all started about 9 months ago, around my birthday last year, the feeling that I just couldn't breathe this air anymore. I was beginning to resent every lung full, and I was exhaling nothing but discontent. I sat down and wrote <a href="http://emeryjo.blogspot.com/2011/07/restless.html">this</a> blog. Oklahoma was having the hottest Summer ever recorded in ANY of the 50 United States... meaning, there had never been anywhere in this country that had ever been that hot for that long ever... and I was completely <i>done</i>. Baked. Cooked. Burnt.<br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OOI6CLJ5Cmw/T3pS9apPb3I/AAAAAAAAGQE/bkRJPaOnvKE/s1600/hot.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OOI6CLJ5Cmw/T3pS9apPb3I/AAAAAAAAGQE/bkRJPaOnvKE/s400/hot.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5726981091232804722" /></a><br /><br />I crumbled.<br /><br />I poured it all out to my husband one night on the couch. The kids were tucked away in their beds and I just... broke. The stirring inside of me had been intense for quite some time, even from the year before, when I did not know if the third child growing inside of me was a girl or a boy and I had chosen the girl's name of Dagny, which means "New Day". I longed for it and I longed for her and I knew that the Lord had said "the time is yet to come" when Truman was born and my heart overflowed with all these bright flashing sons. <br /><br />Even then I had tried to bottle up the longing. But on the couch that night, I finally reached the point where I just couldn't fight it anymore. It was too strong and I was too weak. At the time, I had believed that this longing in me was a bad thing... the result of an ungrateful heart. Instead of trusting the God of the Universe with it, I had been trying to shut it down, thinking it was the "holy" thing to do.<br /><br />But that's the tricky thing about longing, isn't it? It is only as <i>holy</i> as it is <i>submitted</i>. As soon as I grip my fingers around it and try to force it into existence, it becomes my enemy. <b>It</b> becomes my god. <b>It</b> becomes what I live for. But if I can really say, "God, I desire <i>this</i>, but I desire You even more!", then GOD remains my God. <b>He</b> remains what I live for.<br /><br />It is a dangerous can of worms to open, this longing and desire, because it makes you <b>vulnerable</b> to the possibility of disappointment and grief if those longings go unmet. But on the other hand, to never open it up or listen to it at all is a different grief altogether- one heavy with regret and the feeling of never having truly <i>lived</i>. And I think, at the end of the day, I'd rather be able to say that I had lived vulnerably, instead of questioning if I had ever even really been alive at all.<br /><br />That night, I opened up the treacherous can. I told Chris what I was longing for. I told God what I was longing for. A new place, a new start, a new season. New air! <i><b>A new day.</b></i> It felt SO good to get it all out. We had talked casually about the future before... about how this never felt like a permanent home for us, but we had never felt released to really consider other options. Chris had been known to say, "If we are going to move again, God is going to have to speak to me from a burning bush!" (Little did we know....... more about that later!) <br /><br />We have a lot invested here in this neighborhood, in this town. Chris owns his own thriving small business. We are surrounded on all sides by a community of dear friends and neighbors who are only steps away in times of need. It would be no easy thing to consider uprooting from all that God has done for us in the past six years we've spent here. This dangerous longing of mine was going to change <i>everything</i>. Even as the words left my lips, I felt afraid. Was I really ready to exchange it all and follow the current that was churning me all up inside?<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dWo8ZNwpGqs/T3pV-PanXRI/AAAAAAAAGQc/82kDYZZoHj4/s1600/me2.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 341px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dWo8ZNwpGqs/T3pV-PanXRI/AAAAAAAAGQc/82kDYZZoHj4/s400/me2.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5726984403933420818" /></a><br /><br />That night we agreed. Chris took the time to ask questions and really <i>hear</i> my heart. We decided we would <i>follow</i>, not fight. We would trust that God was the author of this longing in my heart, and we would trust that He had good plans in and through it. We would take a step of faith and start <i>asking</i>... start "pushing on doors". We talked late into the night about Denver or Reno or San Luis Obispo or Portland or Seattle or somewhere new here in Oklahoma... we allowed ourselves to dream big for the first time in a very long time.<br /><br />That night was the start of it all, when the floodgates flung wide open, and there would be absolutely <b>no</b> going back.Emery Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10269921971808302592noreply@blogger.com21