November 13, 2010

On Hoping for a Girl (Take Two.)

(you can find Take One here.)

Chris took me out on a lunch date today and we ate at an extremely yummy pub here in town and ordered our favorite burgers. (The ones with over-easy eggs on them!) I love this place but find it hard to have any kind of meaningful conversation while I'm in there because there is gauranteed to be a 16 foot plasma screen with a football game on it no more than 6 inches from your face at all times.

After our bellies were full we wandered around the shopping center and came upon a cute little children's boutique store. We stumbled inside and I immediately gravitated towards all the cute little baby boy things on display. Airplane blankets and pirate onesies and octopus toys. I tried to hide in the little corner of boyishness because... because it's all that I know. I feel safe there. There's no chance of disillusionment there. Only stalwart practicality and probability. I was looking at clothes with robots on them but I was only seeing safety nets. And I just couldn't let go.

I was actively trying not to make eye-contact with any of the little girl dresses or hairbows or maryjane socks that filled the store with bright sparkly joy. I still have not been able to let my heart go there because I'm afraid the disappointment of not getting a girl will be greater if I let my hope wander off too far in those isles. The girlscout in me is holding the reigns tight. Preparedness! Probability! Practicality!

Then my husband makes me leap. OF COURSE.

He says, "Great boy stuff and all, but where are all the little dresses?"

It took some serious effort to follow him into the unknown jungle of ruffle tights and cardigans. I felt like the whole store knew we only had boys and didn't belong in the pink & purple isles.

But my husband has this way of living from his heart and before I knew it we were swooning over everything we saw. All the while I heard myself repeatedly trying to tell him that there was a 50% chance this wasn't going to happen this time, and that he had to be okay with that, but I also felt God asking me just to take a deep breath and let my hope free for a moment. Every fiber of my being was fighting it. And just when I was about to put my foot back down on that hope again, I looked up and saw that my husband was holding a little dress... and his eyes were full of tears.

This man has such a soft spot in his heart for a little girl that we can't even broach the subject without him getting weepy. This, of course, turns me into a blubbering mess and makes me fall in love with him more every single time. God has put this deep longing inside of my husband, and we know that it is there for a reason. We may not know how or when or if that hope will be fulfilled in this lifetime, but it's there and I don't want to keep trying to stifle it and shush it with my lame arse statistical probability all the time.

Of course we both will be THRILLED to have another boy and he will be loved beyond measure from his very first breath. That goes without saying! But there was something really beautiful about letting go today and shedding hopeful tears over little dresses in the middle of a boutique store with my husband.

It really was just a moment of trust for me. I have not been trusting the Lord with my hope. I have been trying to control it so that I can protect myself from disappointment. But God is asking me to trust Him even in the unknown, even if things don't go EXACTLY as I have them set up in my head, because he is GOOD! He knows our hearts, He knows what's best, and that's really ALL that I need to know. I don't need to control or manipulate my own feelings to protect myself, I can just live from the heart He's given me and feel safe in whatever outcome He sees fit to give.

So, yes, we are still hoping for a girl. But ultimately, as I was reminded today, my hope is anchored to something much, much Greater.


meg said...

Did I miss the post where you said why you weren't going to find out early?
I mean, it sounds like you really want to why not find out now?

MoMar said...

liberating !! I do this exact same thing ... "manipulate my own feelings to protect myself from disappointments". The few times I have managed to catch myself at it and STOP it, it is so ... so much ..... easier.

Autumn said...

God know the desires of our hearts and He put them there (: I'm so excited for you!

Anne said...

So beautiful Em! Love you guys!

Christina said...

Well Said.
God is good, and a baby boy OR girl will be loved and lucky to have you guys as parents.

P.S. my 18 month old little girl was just kissing my laptop when she say the pic of your son Ezra. Apparently she likes older men. But we told her she may not even think about kissing any boys till she's 30 ;)

Lil Muse Lily said...

you just made me cry!!!! if it's a boy it will be wonderful but i secretly hope you have a girl. ;)

Ashley said...

Hi there :0) I have been reading ur blog for awhile now I came acrossed it threw a friend of mine lorie. Anyway I have always love how u can write about what your feeling and share with us ur fears, the truth is I have felt the way u have more times then I can count :0) I am also pregnant and we are also not finding out what the baby is... I'm only a week ahead of u so we are super close :0) we already have a son whos 3. I too find myself redirecting my thoughts away from a girl, I also know my husband would love to have a little girl :0) but I just keep reminding myself (like u) that god knows our heart inside and out and he will give us what fits :0) thank u for your posts! -Ashley

Chelsea said...

what a sweet time with your hubby! I went shopping for my best friends little girl's 2nd b-day gift and before I knew it, i had purchased purple floral tights, cuffed blue jean shorts, a ruffly flower top and a bright red cardigan. I was in heaven. I feel like all I know too, are robots and pirate ships! Girls are so fun!

how good is our god. this is awesome. thank you for sharing.

Lindz said...

Squee! Little dresses and tights! Just imagine a little Emery! All of my friends are having baby girls at present. I wonder if something is in the air. I would take ANYTHING right now.

Jessica said...

What a wonderfully sweet post! I thank you for the reminder of the One who is really in control, that our (my) plans pale in comparison to His. This was so encouraging to me today!

leslie said...

So I know all pregnancies are different but, I was going back and looking at your belly and your belly is TOTALLY different.. much more round and towards your back... not so much like a basketball... So maybe it IS a girl... they say they are carried more towards the back and higher, TYPICALLY but, who knows bc I know people who have carried them either way. I really hope you have a girl. My next baby I also want a girl. My friend at work just found out she is having a girl and I cried out of excitement for her!! GOOD LUCK

MrsDixon said...

What a beautiful post! You look so great! When do you find out what you are having?

anna joy said...

once again, exactly what i've been needing to come to terms with (that last paragraph). thank you for putting it into words, God uses you so much in my life!

Amy said...

I loved your blog post today. All through fertility treatments I was in a constant battle to just trust the Lord, because ultimately He knew exactly what I needed. We never did pregnant. But last Friday we picked up our foster child, who is a beautiful 1 year old girl. The details the Lord went to answered our prayers in ways we could have never imagined. We don't know if she will be ours forever but right now she is an amazing addition to our family.
I will be praying you have a girl, and the Lord will continue to meet your every need.

stina said...

um you and your husband and how he wanted to see the baby girl stuff. heart melting gahhhhh :)

Carmen - Lead Photographer said...

just taught me something there missy; not trusting god with your hopes. wow - profound! i haven't given him my hopes and dreams for fear of loosing control of it all. you're wise beyond your years and i appreciate you sharing your fragility. for we are but moving boxes with "FRAGILE" written all over, without our MOVER and MAKER;)

Mush said...

I totally understand how you feel re the girl thing. We have 2 boys, 3rd on the way in 8 weeks and I remember holding on to that little bit of hope that this time it might be a girl. Don't get me wrong I love my boys to bits but it would just be nice to have something different and to not be so outnumbered!

We weren't going to find out what we were having but the choice was taken away from us as we could clearly see what it was at our 20 week scan. I'm ashamed to admit that I was a little disappointed to start with but I have got used to the idea now.

I've literally just stumbled across your blog today by doing a Google search of 32 weeks pregnant and one of your bump pictures came up when you were pregnant with Myer. I have a serious amount of catching up to do!

Hope you are okay, I don't know your story yet obviously but feel free to check in on mine at