Chapter Twenty: "All Conquering Love."

The planning for the big day went really smoothly. I didn't find myself stressed at all. Four months was just enough time to put all of the pieces that were important to us together for our wedding, which was going to be held in San Luis Obispo instead of Reno this time around. We knew we wanted two major things: Personal Vows for the ceremony, and DANCING for the reception. Our wedding was going to be nothing but one big, huge CELEBRATION of the love we'd worked so hard for with the people we loved the most in the world. And that's exactly what it turned out to be.

The ceremony was beautiful and, by the time we said our vows, I don't think there was a dry eye in the place. God showed up in a powerful way, and I still to this day have people tell me that our ceremony affected them in a deep way... It was like this sense of love conquering despair... it filled the little chapel from the floor to the roof until I could hardly breathe from the closeness of it all.

The reception was dance-tastic and it was seriously FUN. Everyone joined in right after food, and the dancing didn't stop until we called it a night and hopped into our getaway car. (Chris' truck. Snazzy!)

It was a perfect day and a perfect evening. Pictures will tell the tale better than I ever could:





















All photos by Kenneth Morgan
of San Luis Obispo, CA.

So, that's the story of Chris and I. Thank you guys for reading along through all the heartbreak and the joy. It feels really good to have gotten that all out- to have cemented it in my head so that it won't get mixed up and jumbled and lost as the years wear away at the memories we've created.

God has been so good to me. He is continuing to heal me, and He's slowly forming me into a wife that loves her husband well and fights for the dreams deep in his heart. Some days are easier than others, and some of the choices that I made before we were married are still affecting me today... Like, how for years I was hurt and confused by sleeping with Chris... and how all of those feelings didn't just magically disappear on the day we finally said "I do"... I made some poor decisions before we were married, and I'm now having to work through the effects of all of that. I'm learning the beauty of being ONE with someone, but it hasn't been an easy road. But God is redeeming that part of my heart bit by bit, and I'm falling more and more in love with my husband with every passing day.

For all of you girls out there who aren't yet married: Guard your hearts. Guard your bodies and your minds. Love yourselves enough to know the worth of what you have. Don't squander your heart away in hopes of finally feeling satisfied in love. You have all the love you need in God. You have ALL the love you need in God. Even when you may not feel it, you have all the love you need in God.

I think I'll end with this- one more song I wrote after we were married and all was said and done. Sorry to post so many songs lately, but they really do capture this time better than anything else could, I think. So, one final song for you all- I call this one "My Dreams". Hope you like it, sorry for the poor quality once again. Just click below:



***The End.***

Chapter Nineteen: "The (Second) Proposal, Part TWO." (Confused yet?)

I was standing in front of the castle with my friends when I suddenly noticed a small ruckus coming from the center of the plaza. I looked over there and I saw my friend Jason asking people to clear the area a little bit. This was, um, confusing. I had NO idea why he was suddenly walking up to strangers and asking them to CLEAR THE AREA.

I walked over to where he was and was about to ask him what the heck he was doing, when I suddenly saw him.

This moment in time will forever be etched in my memory because it was the moment that my heart finally got what it had been aching for for all of those years. It was the moment my dreams crashed into my reality. And it came in the form of a man dressed in a familiar white tuxedo, with a top hat perched on the top of his head to match.

This man in white was the man that I loved. And he was walking straight towards me, looking at me intently, from the little garden across the way. He walked confidently, and he held a red flower in one hand. He was also attempting to contain a huge smile on his face, but it was so wide and so deep that it threatened to spill over at any moment.



Time froze. I buried my face in my hands and burst into tears before Chris had even made his way to where I was standing. A few people gathered around us. Everyone was taking pictures. Chris dropped down to one knee and asked me to marry him.




Everyone cheered and clapped. In an emotional blur, I grabbed the ring from his hand and fell down on my knees, too.



And then I said yes. And my heart screamed "YES!" from within my chest. And it finally felt right.






It wasn't until about 20 minutes later that I realized I had been CLUTCHING the ring in my clenched fist (along with my red flower) and had never even put it on my finger. It is a miracle that I didn't drop it somewhere, because I had no clue I was even holding it until Chris and I took a walk together and I was like, "Oh! What's this in my hand?" OH, IT'S JUST MY RING. GFDA^%R!@%!!



The rest of the day was spent having tons of fun on the rides and other Disneyland-ish types of things. Chris wore his tux the rest of the day (even though it was ridiculously hot outside), and people kept coming up to him asking if they could take a picture with him. He obliged them all, of course, and later we asked someone who they thought he was, and they said matter-of-factly that it was OBVIOUS that he was Prince Charming.

I couldn't agree more.

So, what's next for two people who have been in love for SO long and are finally engaged? (Well, engaged again, I suppose...) A WEDDING! And QUICKLY! So, we set a date. A date that was only four short months away...

Chapter Eighteen: "The (Second) Proposal, Part ONE."

Thank you for being patient with my wanderlust. More on Kansas City later!

As we drove South, I tried to guess where we were headed. At one point, Chris had me convinced that we were driving down to LA to stay with our friend Justin for the weekend. So, I just went along for the ride and was excited to be surprised for my birthday.

But then, early in the evening, we pulled into A HOTEL.

I pretty much freaked out, because, um, a hotel? I was pretty sure that the LAST place I needed to be at was a HOTEL. With my boyfriend. After all that we'd just been through.

Poor Chris then had to convince me that everything was okay, and that I didn't need to freak out... that I just needed to trust him and follow him. He led me up the stairs to a room, then he opened the door and told me sit on the bed and watch TV. Before I knew what happened, he'd told me to WAIT RIGHT THERE AND DON'T MOVE, and then disappeared.

I was shocked. Where was I? Why was I sitting alone in a strange room watching Cartoon Network? Where had my boyfriend disappeared to? Was I on Candid Camera? And, (most importantly) HELLO? Where were all my birthday presents?

Chris came back to get me after about 20 minutes, and he told me to follow him. I followed him up another flight of stairs to another room's door. He was acting strange so I was somewhat wary. He opened the door to this second room, and when I walked in, I could see the whole room had been decorated in streamers and balloons and big signs that said "Happy Birthday, Emery!"

Um, great! An empty hotel room with streamers and a birthday cake on the table! Couldn't we have done this back at, oh I don't know... my house?!

But then, someone jumped out from behind the bathroom door. It was Jesse. I hadn't seen him in a couple of months because he'd moved back to Reno and didn't live in CA anymore. I almost fell over with the shock of seeing him there. He wished me a happy birthday, told me he'd come all that way to be a part of the celebration, and then handed me a big, red puzzle piece.

I couldn't tell what was on the puzzle piece, but I could tell that it was part of a puzzle that had been made out of a large display board. The piece Jesse had handed me looked like it had some of Chris' handwriting on it. It was the first piece of a monster sized love note that Chris had made me.

But where were all the other pieces?

As the night went on, more and more and MORE of my friends showed up at the hotel room door. And every single one of them brought me another piece to my puzzle. By the end of the night, I had a room full of my closest friends, a delicious ice cream cake, and a big, pieced-together love note from Chris. The note told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. It was really neat to see how he'd brought all the people who'd been a part of our story up to that point together and had them bring a piece of his heart to me in their hands. Totally moving.

I loved every minute of it. We ate cake. We danced. We talked. We laughed. Everything was awesome. I still had NO CLUE that the real surprise was reserved for the following day.

As it got later, and all the girls and I were headed back down to the other room to go to sleep, I was told that the following day we would all be going to Disneyland. I almost died of embarrassment, because for WEEKS I had been teasing Chris about TAKING ME TO DISNEYLAND. And, the whole time, he really was taking me there. I felt like the biggest jerk ever in the history of jerk faces.

The next day, we all got up and got ready and then went to get some breakfast at a place outside of the actual park.




I still had no clue. Am I genius or what? Look at me up there, just sittin' at breakfast in my little green tank top... completely OBLIVIOUS.

HA.

After breakfast, we drove to Disneyland- with all of my friends in tow. We had a grand ol' time all morning long at the park. What a great birthday surprise!




One of our pastors happened to be at the park with his whole family, as well, so after lunch, Chris suggested that we meet up with them all in front of the castle. Everyone thought that this was a great idea, including me, so we started to head that way. Chris stopped me and said he had to run back to the car and grab some more cash that he'd forgotten, but that he'd meet us all back in front of the castle in about 20 minutes.

"Okie Dokie!", says I.

We find the little plaza in front of the big white castle, and we meet up with my pastor and his family and everything is hunky dory. We're talking and having a blast and catching up and just killing some time while we wait for Chris.

Me?



Still completely CLUE. LESS.

Okay, pause button. I'm totally shaking while I'm writing this. Since my nerves seem to be doing the hula on top of my tummy right now, I'm going to take a break and then come back to finish this in a few minutes.

*exhale*

Chapter Seventeen: "Ringy Ding Ding."

We drove down to Solvang to look at antique rings. I knew I didn't want anything flashy or typical or... BORING. I wanted something with history, character, and a story behind it. Something old. Unique like me.

We hit the stores and looked and looked for a long time, and I didn't find anything that just jumped out of its case and grabbed me. We were just about to call it a day, when I breezed by a case of rings marked with a SALE sign. I stopped, went back, and looked inside. Sitting there was a ring that caught my eye, so I asked the store clerk if I could take a look at it.

Antique stores are tricky, because you never know how expensive the ring you're looking at is until you pick it up and look at the little tag on the inside of it. Those antique dealers are sneaky that way. So, I tried not to get too excited as the woman pulled the ring out of the case- just in case it was $10,000 or something. When she placed the ring in my palm, it fell apart.

In a good way. It fell apart because it was TWO pieces, a wedding band and an engagement band, which is what I deep down really wanted but had been willing to sacrifice because not many antique rings ARE two pieces. They have usually been fused together at some point. But this ring, it fell apart and I squealed.

This is the ring in all its Sapphire-y goodness:

I also spoke more about the ring here.

When I saw the price of this ring, I nearly passed out. FROM JOY. It was less than we'd hoped to pay, ($300 range) so I made Chris buy it for me right then and there- just in case someone came by later and bought it before we did. He let me wear it out of the store, and then he snatched it away from me again.

I wasn't meant to have it just yet.

When a girl knows that the man she loves is in possession of a ring that he intends to give her (along with a proposition) in the near future, she can become quite, how shall I say? Skittish. Every situation could potentially be "the" situation. Every date could potentially be "the" date. Every dinner could potentially be "the" dinner. And on and on and on.

I was watching Chris like a hawk. Sweaty brow? Possible proposal. Oh wait, it's just a million degrees outside. Nice dinner PLUS sweaty brow? IMMINENT PROPOSAL. Oh wait, that's just spicy Mexican food he's eating. I was on eggshells for two months.

Then came my birthday. Chris told me he was taking me somewhere secret for my birthday, and that I couldn't know where we were going until WE SHOWED UP THERE. This was SO exciting to me, I love surprises! I jokingly leaned over to him on the couch and said "We're going to Disneyland, aren't we?" I hadn't been to Disneyland since I was a little girl.


Little did I know, I'd just deflated the surprise quite a bit. But Chris acted calm, cool, and collected, like I hadn't just GUESSED THE SURPRISE on the first try. He still played the fool, and I really had no idea where I was headed. The big birthday weekend came, and we hopped in the car and headed South. The whole time I joked about heading to Disneyland, while my poor boyfriend bit his tongue and tried to hide his mounting distress at my Disneyland jokes.

I was clueless to the fact that the biggest surprise wouldn't even be our destination location. Chris has A WHOLE LOT MORE up his sleeve. I was sure this was just a birthday thing, and the thought of a proposal had never even crossed my mind.

I'm convinced that, to this day, there has never been such an elaborate and successful and amazing marriage proposal in the history of all time...

**to be continued...**

Chapter Sixteen: "Worth the Fight."

**please note: I've posted two chapters today, so make sure you read the one below this one first! Yep!**

That night, while we stood in the dark street, Chris told me that he felt like God had given him a picture of what he and I were supposed to be. It was a picture of Chris and I climbing on a rock wall. He said, in the picture, he would climb up a little ways and find some steady places for his feet, and then he'd find some good places to grip higher for his hands. Then, he would reach down and help me climb up beside him. Step by step, we were maneuvering the sheer rock wall together.

He told me of his change of heart- how he knew that he wanted to love me as God would love me.

He looked into my eyes and told me that he'd realized something. He'd realized that I was worth fighting for. And he said that that was exactly what he was going to do. He would fight for me... from that moment on... for the rest of our lives.

Photo at Right: Happy us.

My heart exploded with joy. I wept. He wept. We made out kissed conservatively right there in the middle of the road. After all those years, we had FINALLY found our way.

A month later, we felt comfortable enough to start telling people that we were officially back together again. It took a few weeks for me to be okay with giving my heart to Chris after that night he told me he loved me. I was scared, and I didn't want to rush into anything. I wanted to make sure God was telling me it was okay to be with him. The joy in my heart had been screaming it to me the whole time, but I was playing it safe.

Photo at Left: Me on our first Valentines Day after getting back together... a surprise, romantic picnic on the beach!

The following eight months were a happy blur. Chris re-swept me off my feet. (Or, maybe he had never officially put me down?) One or the other, I was swallowed in joy and love and felt like I was getting to know a completely new person, because Chris had changed so much in those short 7 months we'd been apart. He was more confident, more mature, more grounded. He knew who he was, he was incredibly compassionate and helpful to people who were hurting or in need. He laughed a lot. He told me about his dreams, and he was hungry to hear about mine.

Photo at Right: Chris on our Valentines Day Picnic. Cutest cutie ever.

What a happy discovery for me! In all of those years of dating, I hadn't even begun to scratch the surface of who this man really was! He was complex and mysterious, someone I could never stop learning new things about. And, sitting here in my office, five years later, I am awe struck by the fact that I still feel that way about him. He is constantly surprising me with his goodness.

In May, eight months after we got back together, we started to speak of marriage again. And you better believe that, this time around, we were going to do things RIGHT. Chris knew that he wanted me to be able to pick out my own ring, so he informed me one day that he was going to drive me down south to a little Danish community called Solvang, and we were going to spend some time browsing through the old antique stores that lined the town's main street.

You know, just to "get an idea"... HA.

***to be continued...***

Chapter Fifteen: "Truth."

I remember Chris asked me to come over to his house because he needed to talk to me about something. I still didn't know at this point that he had finally given in to his love for me- I thought we were still just friends. So, I went over to his house but felt very anxious and nervous because Chris had sounded so serious on the phone. Also, we never hung out one-on-one anymore, so it was out of the ordinary for him to ask me to come to his house. Aaaaand I was madly in love with him. So, there was that too. My head was reeling with what he could be wanting to talk to me about.

We sat down, and Chris told me that what he was going to say was very hard for him. He wanted to be honest with me, he wanted to respect me enough to say what he had to say. My stomach did flip-flops... I knew that whatever he was going to tell me wouldn't be easy for me to hear.

Chris was so kind and gentle, and I could see in his eyes that the very last thing on earth that he wanted to do was hurt me anymore than he already had. He held back tears, I held my breath. He told me that he had been with another girl in the 7 months that we had been apart. It was a one time thing, he felt horrible about it, but he needed to let me know.

Now, picture my quandary, here. Chris and I are not together, we are not dating or engaged or anything. We are just friends. I have no clue that he is telling me this because it is his first step to winning back my heart. Yet, I feel like a ton of bricks have just crashed through the window and landed in my lap. Because I LOVE him. Because I had never been with anyone but him. And because I had been with him after he had been with someone else.

I felt confused. I didn't know how to respond. If we had been dating, I would have responded in anger. But since we were just friends, I didn't know if it was OK to show him how much this affected me. It wasn't my place. We weren't even together at the time it happened. So, I tried not to cry. I tried not to completely lose it. I mumbled something about needing to go. And I left.

I felt betrayed. I felt like I didn't know Chris anymore. I felt like the man I'd been falling in love with again would never have done something like that. And I started to feel angry again.

Chris could tell I was freaking out, and he knew that we would need some help in working this thing through. He called later and asked if I would be willing to meet with him and our pastor and his wife so that they could help mediate this thing and we could get everything out on the table. At this point, I was seething. Why was he doing this to me? Why was he telling me all of this? Was he just wanting to hurt me again?

I agreed to go to the meeting. I wanted Chris to know that I was hurt, angry, and confused. I wanted him to understand that if he was really my friend, he wouldn't have told me that. I didn't need to know.

We met one evening with our pastor and his wife, and we both got everything out. I was angry. I cried. I yelled. He told me how he had been feeling, told me why he thought he had been pushing me away all those years. Then, he told me that he was sorry... He said that he knew he hadn't been loving me as I deserved to be loved. He was sorry for the years of pain. He never meant to hurt me. He told me I deserved better.

I calmed down, and apologized for being so angry and controlling of him for the past 7 months. I told him I really did just want him to be happy. Our pastor and his wife helped us talk through some of the anger and hurt. There were a lot of tears. When it was time to go, I felt completely drained. And I felt extremely sad because I loved Chris with all of my heart, but this meeting just might have been the final stamp, the end-all, for the past four years of my life. I felt like when I walked out of my pastor's house that night, I would be walking out on everything Chris and I had been, or would be in the future. I felt like it was really over. And I was completely crushed by that thought. I just wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. That was all that I had ever wanted.

Chris and I walked out to our cars parked on the street. It was an amazing night, a slight chill in the air, and stars so bright they were piercing. I breathed deep, and turned to walk to my car. Life would go on. I would be okay without Chris. I would find someway to move on with my life.

I put the key in the door of my car to unlock it. I looked up, and was surprised to find Chris standing right beside me. He put his hands on my shoulders and told me that he had one last thing to say...

**to be continued...**

Chapter Fourteen: "A Change of Heart."

Now, instead of rushing back into things again, Chris wanted to do things right. So, he prayed. And prayed. And prayed. Then he got others to pray for him. And then he prayed some more. Much prayie prayer sauce.

God spoke to Chris while he was reading a book by NONE OTHER THAN John Eldridge. If you'll remember with me, John Eldridge is the man who spoke at the conference in Washington that pretty much saved my life. How appropriate that Chris was now hearing God speak through the same man's words. *sigh* It was a book called 'Journey of Desire'. Go buy it.

God told Chris that it was no longer acceptable for him to claim that he loved me, and yet be so quick to push me away when times got tough. God told Chris that when he pushed me away like that, he was not loving me like God loves me. God does not PUSH ME AWAY every time I sin. He does not hold me at arm's length until I "get better". No, God draws us closer in our troubles and loved us long before we ever chose to love him. He loves us through our crap. Nothing can separate us from His love. So, if Chris was going to love me, he was going to have to commit to loving me WELL. Through mud and mire.

If Chris was going to claim that he loved me, he had to love me like I (and every woman on the face of this earth) deserved to be loved... he had to love me as GOD HIMSELF would love me. Unconditionally. Through sickness. Through health. Through riches. Through want. Through happy. Through crushed. Through issues. Through baggage. Through hairy legs. Through dirty dishes in the sink. For better or worse. ALWAYS.

From that moment on, (holy mom of God!) Chris was NEVER THE SAME. He got it. He understood what my broken heart had been longing for before I ever even realized it. For love that never turns its back. Love that refuses to flee. Love that stands its ground... My heart was THIRSTY for this, I know that now. I needed a love that I could trust, one I could fling my whole self at without fear of falling flat on my face. Chris understood that, and now it was up to him to decide if he wanted to provide all of that for me. Was he up for the task? Was my love worth all of that sacrifice?

Chris thought that it was. But there was one problem. He knew that if he was going to choose to love me as I deserved to be loved, he was going to have to be 100% honest with me.

And there was something he had to tell me that had the potential to turn my heart away from him for good...

**to be continued...**

Chapter Thirteen: "The Meeting."

A meeting was quickly arranged between the pastors of our church, Chris, and I.

And I seriously contemplated shoving all my stuff in my car and driving back to Reno- never to return again.

I was scared TO DEATH to meet with the pastors of my church and talk about Chris & I... to talk about sex. I had been deeply wounded by the church I'd attended in Reno when I had tried to reach out for help. I honestly felt like I just wasn't up for more pain... I was already hurting so badly from Chris, the last thing I needed was a harsh reprimand from my pastors! I felt like I'd rather just forget about church and God altogether rather than sit down, face-to-face, to DEAL WITH IT. I had almost talked myself into skipping the meeting and leaving the church for good.

When Chris showed up at my door to pick me up, however, I didn't put up a fuss. I quietly followed him out to his car. I was on the verge of tears already and we hadn't even begun to talk. I respected (and still do respect) my pastors SO MUCH, that the last thing I thought I could handle was knowing that I had "let them down". I felt sick to my stomach. I was preparing to have to defend myself- to lash out and get angry with them. I was going to show them that they couldn't hurt me or control me.

We started to talk. Right off the bat, our pastors let us know that they were not meeting with us to shame us or to make us feel judged. They began by telling us that they understood how hard it was to be in love and not express it physically. They told us they were not there to condemn us, but to come along side of us and help us get through our situation. We set up boundaries and committed to talking with one another- being honest and open about everything. They told us they loved us and cared deeply for us and wanted nothing more than to see us in a place of joy and peace again. They prayed for us, hugged us, and the meeting was over.

I was shocked.

I left that meeting feeling more hopeful than I had in... in... years maybe. I instantly felt like I wasn't ALONE. Like I could and would get through this. Everything was out on the table and it felt like I'd shifted the weight of the world from my shoulders and shut the door on it for good when I left the room that day. For the first time in four years, I felt like everything was going to be Okay.

Jesse moved down right after that and he and Chris and a couple of other guys started playing in a band together. By this point, I knew that I wasn't fit to be in any type of relationship with him or anyone else. I was still deep down desperately in love with Chris, and I remember wanting to hang out with him and Jesse and the guys just so I could be near Chris. This wasn't the healthiest thing for me to do, because instead of getting over Chris, I was actually falling more and more in love with him- even though we were interacting and hanging out solely as friends in larger groups of people.

Things went on like this for a couple of months. I began to laugh and smile again. I hung out with friends and had fun and wasn't obsessed over where Chris was and what he was doing all the time. I prayed and prayed and asked God to forgive me for blaming Him for all my problems. I asked Him to make me my own person- to reveal my identity to me. I embraced the fact that I was single and could actually enjoy that season of my life for the first time ever. I was finally OK with being on my own, I felt like a whole person. And I honestly began to want nothing more than for Chris to be HAPPY. No matter what that looked like.

Despite the distance between us and the freedom I was finally experiencing apart from Chris, my love for him only grew stronger and stronger. It moved beyond a surface-y, physical kind-of love (the only love I believe we had shared up until this point), to a much deeper love of Chris as a man, as a genuine, compassionate, and caring human being. I watched him from afar for months... praying that God would take away my intense love for him so that he and I could finally move on with our lives... yet the harder I prayed, the harder I fell. I would become giddy and get serious butterflies every time I got around him, every time he looked at me. I fumbled over my words and blushed bright red when he talked to me.

I wanted to marry the boy.

I continued to interact with Chris as a friend. I didn't let him know that our time apart was doing nothing but INCREASING my love for him. I finally trusted God enough to let Him handle the situation. DUH.

He was trying desperately to move on with his life, but was feeling much of the same. He was constantly battling with himself-- he knew he loved me, but didn't trust himself with my heart. He'd broken it too many times. He COULD NOT allow himself to break it again. So, he kept his distance. He fought against his love for me and was also praying that God would take away the stubborn love that only seemed to be getting stronger.

One day, Chris was riding with our pastor in his truck, when he turned to Chris and asked, point-blank, "So, honestly Chris. What is the deal with you and Emery? Do you love her or don't you?"

Chris told him that yes, he did love me, but he didn't trust himself with me because he was worried we would just end up sleeping together, and it would ruin everything all over again.

Our pastor looked at Chris and then said, "So, you don't want to marry her because you guys can't stop sleeping together? Isn't that what MARRIED PEOPLE do? You guys sleep together because you're IN LOVE. We can help keep you guys accountable with that. If that's the ONLY reason you guys aren't together, that just doesn't make much sense, does it?"

Chris had never thought of it that way before. It was like a light was instantly switched on in his brain. HE LOVED ME. And he was going to do something about it.

**to be continued...**

Chapter Twelve: "Square One."

When I got back to San Luis Obispo after spending two weeks in Reno, all I could think about was Jesse. I talked about him to my roomates and I wrote journal entry after journal entry about how I felt. I would daydream about the time we'd spent together and I wanted so badly to be back in Reno, spending time with him again.

I think I became so consumed by the whole thing because it was something that I could focus on that had nothing to do with Chris. It distracted me from the chronic heart pain, and I wanted to just jump right into a new relationship with Jesse because then I wouldn't have to struggle through all the heartache and issues from my relationship with Chris. (Thank God Jesse didn't allow me to just jump right in... What a mess I would have been!) I needed and wanted to be free from Chris SO BADLY, and this new attraction had been the only thing I'd found that could dull the constant despondency that I hadn't been able to shake on my own. I was desperate to be the Emery that I had once been-- desperate to be able to smile and laugh and find joy in life again.

I wanted a shortcut back to my old self. I didn't want to go through the tedious healing process that four years in a rocky relationship would require.

So, I daydreamed. I daydreamed about how happy I would be if I could just be with Jesse. But now, (oh the irony!) I was an entire state away from him, and I had no choice but to return back to the drama that was my day-to-day reality in California.

After I got back to SLO, things between Chris and I went from bad horrific to WORSE um, MORE horrific. I fell right back into my bitterness and anger. I became completely consumed by him and what he was doing and who he was hanging out with. I wanted him to know he was destroying me. I was totally dysfunctional.

I discovered that Chris had been using my screen name to talk to a girl in Colorado that he once knew. She Instant Messaged me one day, thinking I was Chris. Turns out, he'd been telling this girl he wanted to move there and marry her. I was FURIOUS.

Somehow, in the midst of all of this unhealthy chaos, I was convinced that I still loved Chris. I knew that I wanted him to love no one but ME. I'd tried to let him go, but I just COULDN'T share him with anyone else. The thought of him being with another girl sent me into a frenzy. I was so jacked up and making life so miserable for Chris and myself and anyone around us. I needed help. But, instead of being honest and reaching out to the people around me who cared for me, I kept trying to "make it" on my own.

This is when, oh lordy lord, Chris and I did the WORST possible thing that we could have done to each other at the time. We slept together again.

Bad bad bad. I went from being all the way at square TWO, to being right back at SQUARE ONE again. All thoughts of being happy with Jesse were squeezed out of my brain as I fell right back into my downward spiral with Chris.

It was right about this time when Jesse decided that he was going to move down to San Luis Obispo. Chris had been trying to talk Jesse into it for a long time-- he wanted Jesse to move down and start a band with him, and Jesse had always said he'd wanted to move to SLO, but the timing had never been right. Jesse decided it was now time. He needed to get out of Reno, he missed playing music with Chris, and he was coming to a town near me...

Also, Chris had been working closely with our pastor at the time. Our pastor was also a painting contractor in the community. They had a really close relationship. One night, our friend Cameron had a dream about Chris. Cameron told our pastor about the dream, because he thought it might be a sort of warning dream from God, and he also felt like he was supposed to tell our pastor about it. So then, the next day after hearing the dream, our pastor pulled Chris aside and asked him if there was anything he needed to tell him.

And that's when Chris told the pastor of our church that we'd been sleeping together.

***to be continued...***

Chapter Eleven: "Others."

It's so hard for me to wrap words around this time of my life. I was confused and I felt like I was going crazy. After all, the decision to split up had been a MUTUAL one, but I suddenly felt like I'd been dumped for no good reason. I felt like Chris just wanted to be "free" so that he could make sure there weren't any other girls in his new town that he wanted to date before he committed to me for life. (Um, had I not been the one doing much of the same before he moved down there?)

So. This new girl. She was a friend of mine from my church, and I'd watched Chris answer her phone calls like a giddy school boy while he was standing in my kitchen a couple of times, so I already knew something was up. Chris and I even talked about it one day over lunch. He wanted to "get it out in the open". I ate my food but lost my appetite as he explained that he wanted me to "hear it from him" before it got to me through the grapevine. He liked her. She liked him.

I smiled and told him that I was perfectly OK with it, that I wanted him to be happy, and that, actually, I thought I might be starting to like so-and-so as well... it was all just a bunch of lies. I was screaming inside. How could he be moving on to other girls when just 4 weeks earlier I had been planning our wedding? I had already bought the dress and reserved the location. Now, Chris was sitting across the table telling me about someone else. What else can I say? My heart was devastated.

This new girl even stopped me after church one Sunday and told me that she liked him, but she wanted to make sure it was OK with me first. I told her it was fine, and really, I didn't have a place to say otherwise. She really was sweet and kind, I had nothing against her personally at all. I understood how Chris could be hard to resist when he set his sights on someone. Chris was no longer mine. I had no claim on him anymore. Yet... somehow I still felt betrayed.

Two months after we broke up, I went to Reno to spend two weeks with family and just get away from all the drama for a bit. It was a much needed trip. I reconnected with my old friends, and let myself be carefree for awhile. I ended up spending a lot of time with Jesse, Chris' cousin, while I was there. I was incredibly wounded by Chris, and Jesse was just... well, Jesse. The same Jesse that I had always known and loved. He took me out to dinners, out to breakfast. We talked for hours and he read my poetry, listened to my songs. He played me his. We hiked around, drove out into the middle of nowhere and just...talked. We would climb up onto the roof of his house at night and watch the stars and talk some more.

Jesse was still the perfect gentleman- never making a move or telling me directly how he felt about me. It was still way too early. I'd only been single for two months. Jesse seemed to have known that it was way too soon, and he had the self-control and respect to wait. To not rush into things. To give me my space. I am still so thankful for him honoring me like that.

We never talked about how we felt for one another, but Jesse did call Chris at some point and told Chris that he liked me. Chris gave Jesse the 'go ahead'. I was clueless to all of this, and was still just wondering if I was imagining that Jesse had feelings for me, or if he really in fact did. So Jesse and I hung out for a couple of weeks in Reno.

And I fell for him again.

Hard.


edited to add:
***to be continued...*** he he. Sorry, Erin...

Chapter Ten: "The Answer."

In the seminar, they spoke of watching out for 'Red Flags' in your relationship. They asked some tough questions, such as: (taken from notes)

Why are you dating?
Do you need to have a partner?
Does dating this person give you identity?
Does this person validate your worth?
Are you dating to feel complete? (You are NOT half of a person before marriage.)
Are you dating to fulfill your emotional needs? To be wanted?
What has been the FRUIT of your courtship so far?
Are you in love with the IDEA of marriage?

And, the kicker:

Don't get married now if you have a large TO-DO list...

I remember vividly how Chris leaned over my notebook after that last point and drew a picture of a flag next to the notes I'd been taking. When I saw what he had drawn there, my heart jumped into my throat and my stomach dropped to the floor. I knew that things wouldn't ever be the same after that, and I felt dizzy.

Photo at Right: Notes from the seminar, and the flag doodle heard 'round the world.

By the end of the seminar, there were so many flags waving in our faces that we thought the whole world had gone red.

We stumbled out of the building after the class and drove back to my house together. We were both very quiet in the car. When we got to my house, we sat down and looked at eachother. I was on the couch, he was sitting on the floor. After a minute or two of silence, we started to talk. About the flags. About our relationship. About the state of our hearts.

Less than an hour later, we'd come to a conclusion.

I slipped the ring off of my finger, and said goodbye to the man I'd loved for four years.

We were through.

After Chris left my house that day, I felt a strange calm. Like the way the air gets so still right before a storm. Like drifting in a dream. I was in shock. In one afternoon, I'd gone from being an engaged woman who was planning her wedding, to a single woman who now shared a very small town with her ex-fiance. My head was spinning. I made my way over to my bed, collapsed down on it, and fell asleep.

We had both agreed it was for the best. I didn't know if Chris would move back to Reno or stay in San Luis Obispo. After all, he'd only moved there two weeks earlier! He knew no one but the friends that I'd introduced him to. I felt a small sense of relief that I was no longer engaged, but an immense void of despair for losing Chris so completely. The calm that I had felt after Chris and I broke off our engagement lasted only a day or two. But then the floodgates ripped open, and I was suddenly overcome by grief.

Photo at Left: When the going gets tough, dye your hair!

I tried to put on a happy face and pretend that I was really OK with everything, but inside I felt like I was decaying, like I was rotting away. When I saw Chris again, he seemed so... so... HAPPY. Like he'd never been so happy in all his life. He hugged me, asked me how I was doing with a huge smile on his face, and told me about ALLLLLL THE WONDERFUL THINGS that God was doing in his life since we'd broken off our engagement. It had only been a few days.

I could have punched him in the face.

I started to blame God again, started to take my rage out on Him. I told Him that He had done nothing but make me miserable in life, and that He could now consider us enemies...

The second that I had heard Chris talking about how great God was, and how joyful God was making him after we broke up, I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't want to have anything to do with a God who would make me go through all of this pain, while making Chris so infinitely happy.

Chris kept saying he just wanted me to be happy too, but all I could think of was wanting him to be miserable. I was a wreck. Terrible company. Soaking and marinating in my anger and bitterness. My poor room mates bore the brunt of a lot of this, but they were patient and loving and listened to me vent over and over and over again. They prayed for me and encouraged me. But I was completely shut off to anything but my anger.

So, you can imagine how I felt when, a month after we'd broken our engagement, another girl stepped onto the scene...

**to be continued...**

Chapter Nine: "The Question."

I picked myself up off the floor, wiped the tears from my eyes and the snot from my nose, and went to answer the phone.

It was a girl named Brook who went to my church. I didn't know Brook super well, but she said that she had heard that I was thinking of moving back to Reno, and that she had a proposition for me.

She lived with another girl named Harmony in a little duplex in San Luis Obispo. Their third roomie (Kristy Bean Sauce!) was moving out after the Holidays, and they were wondering if I'd like to take Kristy's place in the house.

I politely said something along the lines of, "Um, thanks, I'll think about it buh bye now." And hung up the phone. The instant that Brook had asked me about the house, I had already decided against it in my head, because, you know, I was moving back to Reno and all. I put the phone down and sat down on my couch. And then I heard God say something incredibly profound. He said (and I quote):

"Um, are you joking Me?"

I had JUST been asking for A SIGN, (a sign right this instant!!), something that would help me decide whether or not I was supposed to move home. This call WAS my sign. I suddenly realized it, without the shadow of a doubt. And I had almost completely blown it off. (Phew!)

I called Brook right back and told her that actually, I was very interested after all. Then, I called Chris and my mom and told them that I thought there might be a drastic change in plans. They were both completely understanding, and felt like staying in CA was the best thing for me as well. So, I scrapped my plans to move home, figured I could plan a wedding from one state away, and, right after the Holidays, moved in with two girls that I didn't know all that well. Brook and Harmony. Little did I know that these would be the girls who would become my dearest, closest friends... that they would help me through all the incredibly difficult times I was about to face.

Photo at Left: My friend Anne, and my roomies: Harmony and Brook.

Where would I be today without them? I don't even like to speculate. God is so, so good to me.

These girls were intense. They loved the Lord and they immediately took me under their wing. They showed me what it was like to live in true community, in friendships that went deeper than just the surface level. They didn't put up with my crap. They called me out on things. They made me laugh so hard, I regularly spit milk out of my nose and developed a rockin' six pack. They were ama-zing.

A couple of months went by, and it was decided that Chris was going to move down to San Luis Obispo to be near me. By this time, I had developed some really close friendships in SLO, and I had no desire to leave. I was still unsettled about Chris and I's engagement, but things were moving forward and there was a wedding in my near future. The thought of Chris moving to California was both exciting and terrifying to me at the time. I was excited because I wanted him to experience the friendships and community that I was a part of. I thought it would be SO GOOD for him to get out of Reno and live around people who were passionately seeking after God. But, I was also terrified because my "old life" was about to mesh with my "new life", and I didn't know what the outcome was going to look like.

What if he hated San Luis Obispo? What if he felt stuck there? What if we fell right back into our old way of life? What if... what if things fell through with us after he'd moved all that way?

Chris moved to SLO in March of 2002. I was a ball of nerves on the day he drove his Subaru into town- packed with all of his belongings. He ran out of gas about 8 miles from San Luis. I had to go pick him up from the side of the road. I had wanted everything to be PERFECT, and it was already... not.

Chris bounced around and slept on couches for the first week or so, until he found a place to live in a town just South of SLO. He got a job. He started coming to my church.

Photo at Right: Halloween costumes. Jack and Jill went up the hill...

After NINE MONTHS of living in different states, Chris and I were finally sharing the same zip code again. Two weeks after his arrival, we decided to sign up for a little seminar thing that the pastors at my church were putting on. It was a seminar for couples who were becoming serious, people who were thinking about marriage. Chris and I couldn't wait to go. We thought it would be a great opportunity to learn some things about marriage and get some advice before we tied the knot ourselves.

The seminar was called "To Be or Not to Be?"

And, as it turns out, that really was the question.

**to be continued...**

Chapter Eight: "Engaged?!"

I remember being SO afraid to tell anyone that we'd gotten engaged. I was afraid to tell my parents and my friends in Reno because I knew that they wouldn't think it was the best timing for us. Heck, I didn't even think it was. But I'd said yes, and now it was time to face the music.

I had finally gotten what I'd wanted for all of those years- I'd gotten Chris. But, now that I'd gotten what I thought I really desired, I was scared. Scared that we weren't ready. Scared that we weren't even meant to be together at all. Scared that I'd said yes to something that I shouldn't have. Scared that my life was suddenly out-of-control.

I didn't tell Chris ANY of this at the time. I was afraid of hurting him.

Photo at Right: The engagement picture we put in the newspaper.

Of course, I was also feeling happy and excited to be getting married to the man I loved. We put an engagement announcement in the newspaper and everything. We had engagement dinners with family. I smiled and talked of the difficulties of planning a wedding while we lived in two different states. But inside, I was freaking out. It was all happening too fast.

And then there was the looming fear of going back to California and telling all of my new friends there that "Hey! Remember me? Surprise! I'm ENGAGED to a guy that I never even talk about! Cool, huh?" I was mortified. I felt stupid and silly-- disappearing for a few days and then coming back with a RING ON MY FINGER. What would they all think?

My two worlds had just had a head-on collision.

I went back to California after that and I slowly broke the news to my new friends. And they all looked at me just like I thought they would... like I was crazy. Of course, they didn't know me SUPER well, so I don't think they felt they had the right to say whether they thought our engagement was "right or wrong", (well, a couple of the brave ones told me they thought it seemed a little "off"...) but for the most part, everyone smiled and nodded when I broke the news.

Photo at Left: Engagement Dinner in Reno. I wasn't even old enough to DRINK.

I started trying to plan for a wedding in Reno while still living in San Luis Obispo. This was really difficult. After a couple months of separation from my fiance, I decided it was probably time for me to forget about California, and move back home. I started talking of moving back to Reno in January. And I started to tell my California friends that I was planning on leaving, too.

I felt really uneasy about this. I didn't have a peace about moving back to Reno AT ALL, but I was so lonely and so confused about what had happened to my world, that moving back home felt like the easiest thing to do. I planned on it- even found someone to take over my lease for me. I figured that was a sign I was meant to move home, but I was wrong.

I remember one night, I was feeling completely conflicted about all of this, so I just started to pray. I got down on my face and cried and asked (no... BEGGED) God to TELL ME WHAT TO DO ALREADY. I asked Him to give me a sign if I was meant to stay in California. I told Him that if He didn't stop me, I was going back home again. I prayed and prayed until I was completely worn out. I was still laying on my floor, thinking about what to do, when all of a sudden,

MY PHONE RANG.

And it was the answer I'd been searching for.

**to be continued...**

Chapter Seven: "Double Life".

First and foremost, thank you ALL for your continued interest in my love story... This has been really fun and difficult and GOOD for me to get this all out. I have been touched by your emails and your comments... I hope this story continues to help some of you where you're at. Mmmkay. On with it.

Photo at Left: Chris and I at Hume Lake- before I left for CA. I had no idea my translucent skin could tan like that!

The first few months in California were incredibly difficult for me. I was living alone in an apartment and didn't have a friend within hundreds of miles of me. I remember having little to no energy to go anywhere or do anything... I just sat in my apartment and waited for Chris to call me. But Chris wasn't as desperate to talk to me as I was to talk to him... he still had his life and job in Reno, so when we did talk, I would get really upset because I always felt like I was 'bothering him'. We just didn't get along very well over the phone- and so I worried. I worried and worried and got angry because I felt like Chris was ditching me, and that he didn't love me anymore.

I did end up going to that church whose booth I'd stumbled upon with my mom, and it was amazing. It was a church filled with college kids, who were really in love with Jesus. The worship was full of life and joy, and I got plugged in right away. I started going to small groups and before long I was leading worship in those groups. The people were so passionate and were so good at welcoming me, a newcomer, into their midst.

Photo at Right: Another accurate portrayal of our young love...

I was so ready to start fresh and put my past behind me, that I didn't talk about Chris much to all my new friends in California. Chris had come to visit me a couple of times, and stayed with me for a week or so, but I was afraid to let my new Christian friends know that my boyfriend stayed at my apartment when he came to visit. I knew they wouldn't approve of it. So I kinda hid the relationship for the most part. There were also new, cute boys to meet. So instead of being honest with Chris or any of my new friends, I created a double life. One in Reno, one in CA. I figured I wasn't hurting anyone... it wasn't like I was being unfaithful to Chris by hanging out with other guys who may or may not have thought I was cute, right? Um... RIGHT.

I missed Chris like crazy, though, and we tried to see each other as much as possible. We had a seven hour drive between us, however, so it didn't happen as much as I would have liked. Chris even lost a couple of his jobs in Reno because he'd just drive down to SLO without getting the time off of work first.

The thing about double lives, though, is that they have a way of crashing into each other when you least expect it. While I was in love with Chris in Reno, I'd also developed a "like" for a guy named Jason and also a guy named Justin in CA. I'm such a floozy.

Photo at Left: Me looking at my new home, San Luis Obispo.

Needless to say, I felt torn. I didn't know where to let down my roots. I was excited about my new church and my new friends, but I had all these secrets that they didn't know about, so I could never get as close to them as I would have wanted.

It all came to a head when I decided to drive up to Reno for a few days in order to be with Chris for his birthday. Everything was going great, and Chris and I were actually getting along pretty well while I was there. He took me out to a fancy dinner on the night of his birthday, and then he said he was going to take me out for a drive.

We drove around in the crisp night air- leaving the bustle of the city behind us as we wound up a narrow road to the top of a mountain that has an awesome view of the town from the top. Chris seemed really anxious about something, but I just thought it might be because we didn't spend a lot of time together anymore, so he just seemed different.

We pulled off the road at a little lookout point and hopped out of the truck. It was a beautiful night. We gazed at the city for a minute or two, and then Chris hugged me and kissed me and started telling me how much he loved me. He was kindof shaking and flushed, and acting really strange.

Then he dropped to one knee. And the world froze.

He asked me to be his wife. I was nineteen. I looked down at the man that I loved and said "Yes"...

...even though my heart was SCREAMING "No"...


**to be continued...***