August 16, 2007

Chapter Twelve: "Square One."

When I got back to San Luis Obispo after spending two weeks in Reno, all I could think about was Jesse. I talked about him to my roomates and I wrote journal entry after journal entry about how I felt. I would daydream about the time we'd spent together and I wanted so badly to be back in Reno, spending time with him again.

I think I became so consumed by the whole thing because it was something that I could focus on that had nothing to do with Chris. It distracted me from the chronic heart pain, and I wanted to just jump right into a new relationship with Jesse because then I wouldn't have to struggle through all the heartache and issues from my relationship with Chris. (Thank God Jesse didn't allow me to just jump right in... What a mess I would have been!) I needed and wanted to be free from Chris SO BADLY, and this new attraction had been the only thing I'd found that could dull the constant despondency that I hadn't been able to shake on my own. I was desperate to be the Emery that I had once been-- desperate to be able to smile and laugh and find joy in life again.

I wanted a shortcut back to my old self. I didn't want to go through the tedious healing process that four years in a rocky relationship would require.

So, I daydreamed. I daydreamed about how happy I would be if I could just be with Jesse. But now, (oh the irony!) I was an entire state away from him, and I had no choice but to return back to the drama that was my day-to-day reality in California.

After I got back to SLO, things between Chris and I went from bad horrific to WORSE um, MORE horrific. I fell right back into my bitterness and anger. I became completely consumed by him and what he was doing and who he was hanging out with. I wanted him to know he was destroying me. I was totally dysfunctional.

I discovered that Chris had been using my screen name to talk to a girl in Colorado that he once knew. She Instant Messaged me one day, thinking I was Chris. Turns out, he'd been telling this girl he wanted to move there and marry her. I was FURIOUS.

Somehow, in the midst of all of this unhealthy chaos, I was convinced that I still loved Chris. I knew that I wanted him to love no one but ME. I'd tried to let him go, but I just COULDN'T share him with anyone else. The thought of him being with another girl sent me into a frenzy. I was so jacked up and making life so miserable for Chris and myself and anyone around us. I needed help. But, instead of being honest and reaching out to the people around me who cared for me, I kept trying to "make it" on my own.

This is when, oh lordy lord, Chris and I did the WORST possible thing that we could have done to each other at the time. We slept together again.

Bad bad bad. I went from being all the way at square TWO, to being right back at SQUARE ONE again. All thoughts of being happy with Jesse were squeezed out of my brain as I fell right back into my downward spiral with Chris.

It was right about this time when Jesse decided that he was going to move down to San Luis Obispo. Chris had been trying to talk Jesse into it for a long time-- he wanted Jesse to move down and start a band with him, and Jesse had always said he'd wanted to move to SLO, but the timing had never been right. Jesse decided it was now time. He needed to get out of Reno, he missed playing music with Chris, and he was coming to a town near me...

Also, Chris had been working closely with our pastor at the time. Our pastor was also a painting contractor in the community. They had a really close relationship. One night, our friend Cameron had a dream about Chris. Cameron told our pastor about the dream, because he thought it might be a sort of warning dream from God, and he also felt like he was supposed to tell our pastor about it. So then, the next day after hearing the dream, our pastor pulled Chris aside and asked him if there was anything he needed to tell him.

And that's when Chris told the pastor of our church that we'd been sleeping together.

***to be continued...***


Misguided Mommy said...


R-becca said...

oh dear...this is probably the one that hurts the most. I feel hurt about it right now - I am so sorry you experienced those things, and I know they worked out, but the heartache from "the others" is so unbearable.! Let's get to the good stuff. :)

Scott and Lorie said...

i echo shannon, preggo hormones can't handle the stress of waiting!!!=)

and your friend cameron, as in ingalls???

Flo Oakes said...

Okay..seriously...If I don't find out everything in the next post or two, I'm going to squeeze my brains out.
I need to know.
I need to know.
I need to know.
I need to know.
I need to know.
I need to know.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through a friend of mine who is reading it. I'm not a mommy, but a child of God who is going through extreme distress with her new husband. I have been hurt, crushed and I can relate to your story and that's why I believe that you are an amazing writer and an amazing gift from God to me. Because.. I looked back and you are married to Chris. So, this gives me hope as I read the rest of this story that my man.. the one who I love so dearly and who is still trying to figure out who he is.. was put here with me for a reason and its God's reason and I am to be strong.

I'll be in suspense to read the rest of your story. I definately need the inspiration.

Thank You for Sharing

Jeninacide said...

Wow... I honestly can relate so much to the feelings you were having when Chris was dating other women to how I acted when Erick said we should date other people. I acted like I was totally fine with it but it tore me apart to see him with anyone else... As I read these stories it amazes me how much we have gone through with the men we love... you really have to realize that we loved them so much and couldn't let go for a reason. Our marriages really WERE meant to be... (Not that it was EASY to get here!)