August 14, 2007

Chapter Eight: "Engaged?!"

I remember being SO afraid to tell anyone that we'd gotten engaged. I was afraid to tell my parents and my friends in Reno because I knew that they wouldn't think it was the best timing for us. Heck, I didn't even think it was. But I'd said yes, and now it was time to face the music.

I had finally gotten what I'd wanted for all of those years- I'd gotten Chris. But, now that I'd gotten what I thought I really desired, I was scared. Scared that we weren't ready. Scared that we weren't even meant to be together at all. Scared that I'd said yes to something that I shouldn't have. Scared that my life was suddenly out-of-control.

I didn't tell Chris ANY of this at the time. I was afraid of hurting him.

Photo at Right: The engagement picture we put in the newspaper.

Of course, I was also feeling happy and excited to be getting married to the man I loved. We put an engagement announcement in the newspaper and everything. We had engagement dinners with family. I smiled and talked of the difficulties of planning a wedding while we lived in two different states. But inside, I was freaking out. It was all happening too fast.

And then there was the looming fear of going back to California and telling all of my new friends there that "Hey! Remember me? Surprise! I'm ENGAGED to a guy that I never even talk about! Cool, huh?" I was mortified. I felt stupid and silly-- disappearing for a few days and then coming back with a RING ON MY FINGER. What would they all think?

My two worlds had just had a head-on collision.

I went back to California after that and I slowly broke the news to my new friends. And they all looked at me just like I thought they would... like I was crazy. Of course, they didn't know me SUPER well, so I don't think they felt they had the right to say whether they thought our engagement was "right or wrong", (well, a couple of the brave ones told me they thought it seemed a little "off"...) but for the most part, everyone smiled and nodded when I broke the news.

Photo at Left: Engagement Dinner in Reno. I wasn't even old enough to DRINK.

I started trying to plan for a wedding in Reno while still living in San Luis Obispo. This was really difficult. After a couple months of separation from my fiance, I decided it was probably time for me to forget about California, and move back home. I started talking of moving back to Reno in January. And I started to tell my California friends that I was planning on leaving, too.

I felt really uneasy about this. I didn't have a peace about moving back to Reno AT ALL, but I was so lonely and so confused about what had happened to my world, that moving back home felt like the easiest thing to do. I planned on it- even found someone to take over my lease for me. I figured that was a sign I was meant to move home, but I was wrong.

I remember one night, I was feeling completely conflicted about all of this, so I just started to pray. I got down on my face and cried and asked (no... BEGGED) God to TELL ME WHAT TO DO ALREADY. I asked Him to give me a sign if I was meant to stay in California. I told Him that if He didn't stop me, I was going back home again. I prayed and prayed until I was completely worn out. I was still laying on my floor, thinking about what to do, when all of a sudden,


And it was the answer I'd been searching for.

**to be continued...**


Misguided Mommy said...

you have the best cliff hangers ever!!!!!

Brittany said...

Who was it?!? What did they say?!? Oh my gosh!!!

Anna Joy Photography said...

My life: sitting at my computer refreshing your blog page every five seconds to see if you posted a new post. AGHALSKFLSKDJG!!!!

Morgan said...

I'm even on the edge of my seat and I was in Reno hearing of all this at the time! :) This is great Em! Thanks for you openness and honesty!