May 28, 2010

Aiming for You.



There is so much going on inside lately but it's all too private to broadcast. I've been on a journey of becoming more free and it has not been the quick transportation that I was secretly hoping for... more like a slow saunter down an all-too-familiar old road.

Things may look & feel the same in my day-to-day, but I'm going somewhere new. I believe it. This is like the "one last goodbye" saunter where I look over the old ground and then turn away from it forever.

I've talked here about my struggle with intimacy and how it has affected every single part of who I am. I am currently on a journey of unpacking that struggle and basically choosing not to live that way anymore because it has all been based on a lie.

I can know deep intimacy. In friendships, in marriage, and in my relationship with God and my children.

Sometimes we are led to believe lies when we are SO young, and then we base our entire lives off of that falsity. It is not easy to backtrack and rebuild. But it is worth it. The God that I believe in is a Repairer of Broken Walls and a Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. He can wipe away this age-old lie and replace it with a foundation of flashing sapphires. And then, before you know it, He's hoisting up battlements of rubies and gates of precious stones. Over time, the "slimy sand-castle" way of existing becomes a distant dream, and the strength you feel running through you makes the very ground rumble as your enemy flees to cower under the shelter of a rock.

That is the strength of my God. Whom shall I fear?

Even though now it is a struggle every single moment to choose Him over the World, I know that this season will strengthen me and end in a good result, if I can only keep my eyes on Him. I am thankful for these tumultuous times. They are producing in me perseverance, which births character. And character brings forth hope. And hope, by its very nature, cannot disappoint.

Lord, watch over these faltering steps. I am aiming for You.

8 comments:

Chelsea Robbins said...

"The God that I believe in is a Repairer of Broken Walls and a Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. He can wipe away this age-old lie and replace it with a foundation of flashing sapphires. And then, before you know it, He's hoisting up battlements of rubies and gates of precious stones. Over time, the "slimy sand-castle" way of existing becomes a distant dream, and the strength you feel running through you makes the very ground rumble as your enemy flees to cower under the shelter of a rock."

Dang girl. Thank you for your transparency and honesty.

Hunnybee said...

I second that *Dang*. Good stuff.

sufferingsummer said...

amen.

Annie Peterson said...

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

~The Message's take on 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

The Lord is doing such an incredibly beautiful thing in you. The gold of your faith may be being refined in a fire, but you're still gold. You are in such good hands!

KillerB said...

Emery, it's so encouraging to read your thoughts on all this as you are working your way through it. You are in the MIDST of releasing burdens and yet you're still able to trust that there is a bigger picture than this painful season that you're in now.

We have different stories, you and I, but in some ways I've been there (and in other ways I'm STILL there). Thanks for articulating so beautifully how worth it this sort of surrender is.

You are loved.

Molly said...

bravely and beautifully written
thank you

anna joy said...

amen

Meghan Elaine said...

I admire you so much Emery. Thank you for sharing such personal struggles- you're not alone in them. Of course they vary in circumstances, but your testimony/journey is such an encouragement to other women...to me.