January 16, 2008

The Guided Tour of Life.



Ever since I've been back home, I've felt like a new person.

I feel confident, unafraid. I feel excited about life and the possibilities of a job. I'm helping Chris paint houses, and when we go to lunch together in our matching painting whites, I feel like I'm in a ball gown. I feel stunning... glowing. Something about working with my hands- even if it's vacuuming up spiders from a dusty garage so we can paint it- it suits me.

I have not been easily overwhelmed. I've been able to make phone calls and talk to strangers with ease. I'm managing my money better and eating healthier and feeling undaunted by trips to the grocery store.

Something really has changed.

A friend of mine put a perfect picture to all of this last night, and it really resonated with me. She said something about a bud pushing up through the ground after a long, long season of being buried and in the dark and cold dirt. So simple, yet my insides leaped as if they'd been discovered. As if a spotlight suddenly drenched them and the jig was up. She also said that the time spent underground was not wasted... that God needed that time to cultivate and prepare for the difficult push upward... the breaking of ground... the sunlit days ahead.

These past three years have felt very buried. Ever since Ezra was born, I've felt plunged into the soil... left to trust that the seed of motherhood would germinate and I'd burst through the dirt ceiling again in time.

This all goes along with what I feel God has been telling me over the last couple of months. Every single time I would start to freak out about what to do with my life or what direction I should be heading in or what decision to make or how I felt I wasn't fulfilling my purpose in life, I would clearly hear him say

"Emery... Just know Me."

And then I'd have a moment of clarity, like, Oh yeah! It's not my job to have everything figured out, is it? It's not my job to plan my steps! No wonder it has felt like a responsibility that is too much to bear... I can't see the whole picture. How am I supposed to map my way towards an ending I want but don't even know?

Impossible.

So, instead of muscling my way through endless days of confusion and worry, I pause and remember that this is a GUIDED tour... that as long as I'm close to the guide, everything's cool.

It's only when I try to cut my own path into the jungle that I get gobbled up by tigers or something.

I'm SO done being tiger food. So, I'm trying to stay close. And slowly, my strength is returning. My step becomes firm. And the adventure begins.

16 comments:

Jennifer said...

Good for you! Sometimes even the smallest of changes (going to work, volunteering, etc) makes the biggest impact on our lives. I love reading your blog and look forward to your new posts. God bless!

Scott and Lorie said...

oh my goodness. what a beautiful illustration of life. I love it.

I'm so glad that this change has been good for you and I'm sure for your family as well.

Jooste Roost said...

I still read your blog daily (almost :) and I wasn't surprised to hear your exasperation by the end of your time in Reno. Nor was I surprised at the new feeling you have now that you are home again (which is GREAT! I'm so glad to hear it!) I remember the first time we spent 3 months in South Africa living with Simon's parents. It was VERY hard on me and my marriage. Since then, we've gone back for much shorter visits, usually 6 weeks - but even that is TOO LONG - especially with a baby/toddler. I anticipated the visits with such excitement - I could hardly contain myself - but then, after about 4-5 weeks, I felt like I was suffocating and needed to leave. Please don't get me wrong - I LOVE Simon's parents. They are W-O-N-D-E-R-F-U-L, and I admire and look up to his mom as a mentor. But, as we've been told by many people now, God never intended for us to LIVE WITH our parents/in-laws after we have left them and become one flesh. Unique situations come up, yes, but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Sorry, I don't mean to go on and on - I just think it's important to take into consideration that you were living (back and forth) with your parents and in laws for 8 WEEKS! And you were trying to potty train Ezra. These are no easy tasks - even if you have a wonderful family who you love dearly (as I know you do).
Maybe you feel differently about the reasons for why you were feeling so "buried" - I have just been thinking about you a lot and wanted to share that I've struggled the most in my life after being away from MY home and MY responsibilities for too long.
I'm so glad you are feeling better now, and that you can breath again, and that you don't get easily overwhelmed...Praise God! And getting out of the house is definitely important - your blessed that you can work with your husband too. Take care and God bless...

Amy said...

Emery
I always enjoy reading your blog, and am excited for this new season for you!

Amy (from bway)

Amy said...

You are a wise girl.

Kerry said...

Great way of looking at life Emery!

I just went back to work after being able to stay home w/ my kids for 4 years and I thought it would be so hard. It wasn't my choice and so I've been resisting it. But I'm finding I'm actually enjoying the time away and I feel like God was preparing me even though I didn't realize it at the time for this chapter in my life. He IS there every step of the way.

Glad you are enjoying painting!

Anonymous said...

im excited to read about this new season of your life

Mr Lady said...

Emery, that was lovely. Good for you!

R-becca said...

That may be the first and only time I hear someone say, "I'm SO done being tiger food."

Thank you.

Candace said...

well said.....i wish i could remember this wise wisdom. God is in control and I am just along for the tour =)
I miss you so much. Lets ichat soon!
I am very happy for your new sense of life!

Love you!

sufferingsummer said...

amen

Candace said...

I have been feeling the same way so it's nice to read this. And how eloquently you put it...
my yoga teacher said last week that buds become flowers because it's too painful for them not to grow.
love it.

Hunny Bee May said...

Emery, thankyou for sharing your journey with us. We all go through so many of the same things, but don't always realize it unless someone is vulnerable to open up and share their life with us. You have an amazing way with words.

And for the record, I think you look radiant in your new ballgown.

Maggie said...

you finally discovered your mommy power - yay!!!

piper of love said...

'Then, when it seems we will never smile again, life comes back.'

Seasons change. You are a beautiful tulip, dressed in white.

Ashley Forrette said...

That is so wonderful! I'm happy for you.