at the thrift store for SEVEN DOLLARS. Woot!)
Seeing Ezra with his grandparents is sortof like watching someone reach waaaaaay under the couch to finally find that one last puzzle piece that has been missing for months- popping it into place with a satisfied grin and a feeling of making something whole.
This trip has felt different for a couple of reasons. One: It is not a rushed visit, and, Two: Ezra is old enough to know and remember these people who think he's lovlier than a tall glass of chilled lemonade on a hot day. And he feels the same way about them.
There is a strong desire rising up in me again to somehow mesh my two worlds together. To somehow mesh family with the life we've created out on our own. And while I know this is impossible, this trip is the next best thing. And I'm so grateful to be able to be here for two months. We are so fortunate to even have the opportunity to do so.
When we put Ezra down for bed at night, we ask him what he would like to pray for. Some nights he asks to pray for rocks. Some nights he wants to pray for doggies. A couple of nights ago he asked if we could pray for church.
"You'd like to pray for the church?" I asked, thinking how profound my almost three-year-old could be.
"Church friends.", he corrected me.
So, we prayed for all of Ezra's friends that he plays with at church on Sundays back in Oklahoma. We prayed for their families and prayed that Ezra wouldn't feel too sad to not be able to play with them for awhile.
I think he feels the desire to mesh his worlds, as well.
It got me thinking, though. If I really could magically mesh my worlds together, they would no longer be the same. They would be... smooshed. Different. And, isn't it wonderful to have two (three? four? more?) places that feel like home in this world rather than trying to condense them all together and create some super comfy and safe place that you'd never have reason to leave?
I don't really know what I'm trying to say here, other than the realization that we spend so much of our lives trying to re-capture the happy moments of our pasts- trying to get them all under one roof so we can deadbolt the doors and refrain from letting anything good slip from our grasps. And it makes me wonder, what are we missing out on if we're living in lock-down like that? How many more happy moments are passing by on the street outside- unable to come in while we're unwilling to go out?
My life is richer and fuller due, in part, to the risks and ventures I've taken into the unknown. And, even though it causes me to sometimes feel like my heart is constantly being pulled between two places, I'm begining to see that all the exercise has been causing me to grow.
It is very true that home is where the heart is.
And I am rich with homes.
12 comments:
I know exactly what you mean.
We lived in TN for 2 years and all I wanted to do after Sera was born, was to bring her back "home" to CA and be around family.
We have been here for 3 years, and now we find ourselves on our way back to TN.
It's strange, but both places seem like home now.
SO PROFOUND!
love the thoughts. rich w/ homes... that's good. miss you guys a ton. ok is not the same.
Beautiful :) I'm just beginning to feel at home in Sacramento, and it's weird thinking of going "home" for Thanksgiving when I've been making a home for myself here.
I'm so glad you're having a good time in Reno :)
Oh, can I relate. *sigh*
I'm so happy to be in Oregon and to be in a place where my husband is thriving in his career, I'm comfortable raising children here when we have them, and my mom is even thinking of retiring here in 6 years. But I am so close with my brother, his wife, and his 2 little girls. And my aunt/uncles and cousins. Since I was a latch-key single parent home I was around my cousins and aunts/uncles ALL the time. They are my "immediate" family, so it's hard to be away from them. I hate missing birthday parties and snuggles with my nieces. But, my life is good here..my husbands family is amazing and I know I'm building a life here on my own which will make me a better person. But yes, that tug at the heart is tough to ignore.
I really related to this post, because my family (to whom I have always been very close-- mom, dad, 2 lovely sisters, and a great younger brother) moved away from us here in Bakersfield about a year ago. Now, instead of them being 5 minutes from us, they are 1500 miles (or something like that :)). I miss them so much and wish I could be near them again. I really, really miss my girls getting to be with them and know them really well. But when I think about leaving Bakersfield, it also makes me so sad, because the family God gave me through marrying my husband (they all live here) are amazing, and I am just as close to them. So, yes, I feel very torn sometimes. But you are so right: the fact that I feel torn because I have such amazing, wonderful family in two different places is a complete and total blessing. It means not only that I am blessed with an abundance of people to love, but also that I have a reason to broaden my little world and find another, different place to call home.
and now I am so excited because I am getting to see them again on Monday after 8 long months!!
so glad you are enjoying your visit "home". :)
I'm so with you, Emery. That last paragraph, especially. You are wise beyond your years and it's a pleasure to "know" you via the blogosphere! ((HUGS))
Believe it or not, the security code had MRE in it!
I completely get this feeling. I'm hoping one day I can come to the point you have in seeing the blessing, right now it is difficult not to be engulfed by the missing and the longing. I have three 'homes' and we have yet to allow ourselves to really settle in any of them. We are definitely on a precipice and I see the decision having to be made soon, I only can pray I have the grace and presence of mind you have clearly grasped. And that I'm able to accept God's direction if it happens that none of those three homes are chosen and we must find a new one.
That is the absolute beauty in God having given me this little family unit. I know that where ever my husband and children are, I am home.
i totally understand. this almost made me cry (?)
Thank you Emery for the way you share your thoughts, you truly have a way of putting things into words. It was a meaningful subject to me, I married and moved 6 months ago to Canada. Its taken awhile, and its not done yet, but it is starting to feel like home here. (I feel less at home on days when it never gets above freezing!). It was encouraging to me to think about having more than one place that feels likehome, more than one place with people I love.
That's good stuff.
i totally agree....i feel the exact same way. except i couldnt have worded it so well.
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