January 1, 2011
(I'm leaning towards the latter theory, truth be told.)
God help me, I have been feeling so SO very blah towards Him lately. A loooong lately. An 'Ever Since I Found Out I Was Pregnant Again' lately.
What's that all about?? I don't know. These fogs sometimes come but always they go... yet this one I just can't seem to shake. Or perhaps I should say I just can't even muster up the desire to TRY and shake this one. I am not sad. I am not depressed. I am really happy and rightfully so- my family is amazing and life is great! It's just God that is suddenly... gone-feeling. And to say that is unsettling would be a huge understatement.
It's like I've been having to REMIND myself that there's even a void there, whereas in the past, when I was distancing myself from God, I felt it every inch of the way.
I stopped reading my Bible, even though I had a massive support system behind me in the journey. My prayers have been more like random sputters from an engine that knows it's done 'fer. And my thoughts towards Him have been few. Far between. And, perhaps worst of all, small.
All I can think to say is, God help me. Sputter. Sputter. God help me. Sputter. Cough. God help me.
Sometimes three word prayers are the best ones though, no? I hope so. It really is about all I've got right now.
I don't have any sort of epiphany to stick on the end of this post like a big red bow, I just have the faith that God honors honesty and realness more than falsehood or secrecy. I'm sure some of you have been feeling this way lately too, or have felt this way in the not-so-distant past, and I believe that talking about it is at least a step in the right direction, because, hey! We're all in this together... to help and be helped.
I feel a bit lighter already just by getting these words out... like somewhere way down deep the water might be starting to stir and move again. God help me.