January 1, 2011

Blank.

Unrelated tidbit: Third Trimester, you all! Woot woot!!


I've been feeling quite shy towards the 'Blogger' tab up there on my little menu bar for quite some time now... feeling as blank as this 'New Post' box, in fact, so of course I have not felt any urge to fill it with dribble or force out content on you all in the name of "just because". (sidenote: Yuck. Forced and obligated "content" is like nails on a chalkboard to me. *shiver gag*) I can't tell if this quietness is a result of some sort of preparation for what's ahead, or if it is something quite different: a stagnancy that is inevitable when the fresh water source is cut off.

(I'm leaning towards the latter theory, truth be told.)

God help me, I have been feeling so SO very blah towards Him lately. A loooong lately. An 'Ever Since I Found Out I Was Pregnant Again' lately.

What's that all about?? I don't know. These fogs sometimes come but always they go... yet this one I just can't seem to shake. Or perhaps I should say I just can't even muster up the desire to TRY and shake this one. I am not sad. I am not depressed. I am really happy and rightfully so- my family is amazing and life is great! It's just God that is suddenly... gone-feeling. And to say that is unsettling would be a huge understatement.

It's like I've been having to REMIND myself that there's even a void there, whereas in the past, when I was distancing myself from God, I felt it every inch of the way.

I stopped reading my Bible, even though I had a massive support system behind me in the journey. My prayers have been more like random sputters from an engine that knows it's done 'fer. And my thoughts towards Him have been few. Far between. And, perhaps worst of all, small.

All I can think to say is, God help me. Sputter. Sputter. God help me. Sputter. Cough. God help me.

Sometimes three word prayers are the best ones though, no? I hope so. It really is about all I've got right now.

I don't have any sort of epiphany to stick on the end of this post like a big red bow, I just have the faith that God honors honesty and realness more than falsehood or secrecy. I'm sure some of you have been feeling this way lately too, or have felt this way in the not-so-distant past, and I believe that talking about it is at least a step in the right direction, because, hey! We're all in this together... to help and be helped.

I feel a bit lighter already just by getting these words out... like somewhere way down deep the water might be starting to stir and move again. God help me.

12 comments:

meredith said...

i can't help but think that those three word prayers are the best ones...this past year has been filled with the void of God for me personally. a shaking of my faith really.

i heard a preacher recently equate these times to a tsunami. when a tsunami comes all the water gets sucked out deep into the ocean. (those who have witnessed one say you can actually hear the sucking sound). nothing is how it should be, it is dry & the things that should be in the water are exposed. ...like when God draws away (or whatever you want to say here) there is this sucking sound--but, when the wave of His presence visits again, you have no choice, you must be all consumed in Him once again.

My thoughts run to that John Mark McMillian song, "How He Loves".

I have to agree with you that God does honor honesty & realness. Your realness, honesty & vunerability here on this blog is beautiful. not only to us, but to Him.

I hope my words give you a little encouragement & some grace during this season. Through my drought, i have never felt so judged by others--something I think I put on myself. whenever I hear someone else is in the same boat as me, I just try to ooze grace out my pores to let them know that it is okay. I hope that reads right.

Even the dark times can be lovely. He *can* be found in them. Many times, as I have looked back over the past year I have found his footprints all over the place.

Peace, Love, & happiness to you in this third trimester! you are beautiful & an inspiration!

Jen said...

Emery Jo,

Thank you so much for your honesty and realness!! I know exactly what you are feeling and go through these blank periods from time to time too! I just love how open and honest you are!! Thank you it truly is refreshing!

Elle said...

I feel like I totally know what you mean. I have been in that place so much more often than not, and the only thing that has ever gotten me through it is "knowing" versus "feeling". I will feel that He is distant, that the heavens are silent. I will feel disinterested to pursue Him. I will feel underwhelmed by all that is spiritual, and my mind will gravitate toward anything but God. But I can't help but KNOW who He is and what He has been to me in the past, even if the present seems "bleh".

The "knowing" is an anchor. Even though I'm not going forward and everything seems quite dull, at least it helps me stay put until "the wind picks up," so to speak. Ah, I just read the previous comment; a lot of ocean analogies going on here.

Anyway, I think these seasons are intentional and they come and go in different ways for the rest of our lives. I still don't understand why they come, or if there's any shortcut to make the season pass by more quickly. Just know you're not alone, and that it won't last, and the honesty helps.

Rachael said...

Oh, Emery, I've been feeling the EXACT SAME WAY for months. Not so much the preggers, but everything else. I've been praying 'please make me feel thirsty again.' I'm kinda scared it's the same as asking for something bad to happen but I hate this in-limbo, grey feeling so much. Like my soul is on morphine. Thank you for posting this. It really helps to know that other people (especially Christians I admire) go through these stages, too. Please keep us updated.

Christina said...

Not to long ago, I felt the same thing.
I prayed and read my bible, and still nothing.
But for me, it was all me. My pride is the worst thing in the world. I kept thinking I could do everything on my own I kept thinking I will just clue God into my plans and things I want to do.
But also for me I was sad, and my joy was gone.
So I am SO glad you aren't feeling that way!
But you are so right, God is always faithful.
All you can and should do is continue to be honest w/ Him, and talk to him and read his word.
xoxo

Amy said...

I can very much relate. My husband and I just recently separated and it is a horrible time in our lives. You would think that I would be praying and praying each and every night but it is the opposite. I feel indifferent towards Him.

My mom sent me a card and it had the 'Footprints in the Sand' poem on it and it was a nice poem to read at this time:

.... So I said to the Lord, "You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you."

autumn said...

I am there too- and to make matters harder, so it my husband.
Just reading this sparked us to talk about this. To talk to God about this. To pray together about this. To take action even if I feel apathetic. To submit myself to him and not to my own power. Thank you for being the spark.
I think God allows us to feel lonely for him so that we learn to pursue him better and not just rely on his pursuit (kind of what I am learning about marriage too, actually). I know it isn't God turning away from us, but it feel so much like I am standing there alone and could care less because 'damn I am independent!', I am turning from God toward whatever feel easy.
That was rambly, may not have made sense- sorry.

Thank you for putting into words what I (obviously) cannot.

annajoy said...

thank you for your honesty- its cool to see the comments and how people can relate :) i saw this quote on a blog and wanted to share with you <3

"“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language…Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far into the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
— Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters To A Young Poet (via crookedtooth) "

Anonymous said...

I think anything that requires belief, anything "abstract" (sorry, hope you don't find the use of the word offensive in this case..) means you go through periods of feeling unsure,or shaken...I'm not Christian (or pregnant at the moment for that matter..though your blog makes me broody!) but you have done nothing wrong by feeling your feelings or admitting them to anyone, in any way. I love your blog, I found it at complete random, now I follow it! I like the way you write and btw, I always like your hair ;-) From a girl in London. x

Emery Jo said...

thank you all for your kind words! it helps so much just to know that I am not alone in this and to be reminded that this is only a season and that God is still doing something in me even now. I loved how Elle put it: knowing is an anchor. yes indeed. I agree 100%!

xoxo

Chelsea said...

I always imagine god as a tether. You can get as far away as you want and then he whips you right back to Himself. We are sealed in Him and nothing can separate us from his love, even if we feel distant. He knows our hearts crys and desires. The hardest thing is that sometimes those dry seasons in the desert last a while. I went through that about a year ago where I felt so numb and broken, and then without me doing anything special, one day it's like the blinders were taken away and suddenly my heart became soft again. I think it's totally normal. Especially with the hormones in your body.

Thanks for the honesty! Praying for you girl. AND, your bump looks adorable, as always!

Bridget said...

i hear you. i feel much the same way-- i'm not anxious or sad but i'm just not feeling God the way i used to... or even the way i thought i used to since i'm not even sure i trust what i thought i felt... but, i take solace in the fact that he's a big god and knows what he's doing... and that he's not afraid of our questions and concerns...

on another note entirely, you're a gorgeous pregnant woman!