This blog has been so healing for me over the past three and a half years. Every once in a while, something will cause me to go back... to re-read the 'me' of two or three years ago, and I am always blown away at how far I have come in such a short amount of time. Maybe it isn't anything profound or astounding... maybe it's nothing more than the natural progression of having children and the painful years that follow as you shed the skin of your youth and become a grown woman, but it feels like so much more than just that to me. It feels like I am finally walking on steady ground after a lifetime of feeling wave-tossed and wibbly-wobbly... unsure of self or purpose or heart's desire.
I have a lot of things and people to thank for this feeling of groundedness.
The adventure of stepping out on our own.
Nothing has brought all these pieces together so well as that last one. It was like all these things were pulling for me and calling me to take huge steps and leaps in growth and confidence and faith, and they would have all remained jumbled and scattered and splintered in my head if not for the glue I have found in writing it all down. I am so so grateful to have found a medium where I could not only get it all out of me, but then be able to actually SEE and HEAR stories of how my bumbling journey was actually helping some of you in the process. It still baffles me and I am blown away that we live in a time where that is even possible.
Think about it! Anyone can share their story- for anyone to find and read who may be struggling with similar issues. Before, stories were only made accessible to others if they were published and distributed and ultimately purchased... it was like lots of stars had to align for certain stories to end up in certain hands. Yet, now-a-days, a person like ME can write and share and bless and be blessed by people I may never meet face to face! It is so wild.
The gem that has surfaced in all of this over the last few years of my life has been Peace. I wake up feeling peaceful, and I go to bed feeling peaceful. Even when I have had a stressful or whacked-out day, my heart is still deep down peaceful. In the years past it often felt like I would go to bed with my heart screaming and wake to it whimpering.
There's not a day that goes by without me being consciously thankful for this change in my life. It's been like a long breath of fresh air after being held down in water for too long. It has made me realize what I have, and it has given me the clarity to realize that I never want to be back in that place again.
In all of this, the underlying strength has come from the growing knowledge that God is for me, and that He has already won every battle. He already has the victory. And in Him, I do too. No matter what. Even in death. Whom shall I fear? He is the stronghold of my life- the same one who will not be shaken even though the mountains should fall down flat into the ocean.
This, more than anything else, is the thing that has finally quieted my heart and given me space in my thoughts to just rest and be. If it weren't for this knowledge, I would still be floundering and thrashing. And stuhhh-ressing.
An image keeps coming to mind as I am babbling about all of this. You know that part in the movie "Forest Gump" where Lieutenant Dan is screaming at the storm in rage and bitterness, only to realize the next morning that, because of that very storm, his boat is one of the only shrimping boats left and from then on the shrimp are SO plentiful that the ship is almost sinking underneath the weight of them all?
That's me. In the calm after the storm... practically sinking from the weight of the catch... realizing that all the pain and struggle and heartache were worth it- if only because they led me here.