February 10, 2009

Stepping Back.

There have been moments, in the past two days or so, where I thought I was going to lose it. Moments where I felt so overwhelmed I could hardly breathe. Where Ezra was demanding my attention and feeling overlooked and the baby was crying and my house was suffocating me with its never ending clutter.

Yet, every time I've felt that choking darkness creep over me, I've been able to stop and realize that, in reality, the world wasn't actually ending. This wasn't the actual Armageddon! This was just a moment of chaos in the midst of a wonderful life... a blessed life... a life that was going to continue marching on to goodness even though, for a moment, I felt like sitting down in the middle of the road and calling it quits.

It's always a good sign when you can quickly recognize your enemy. My strongest enemy in this life so far has been the lie that tells me I'm not enough. That my efforts will never add up, and no matter how much I try and try and try, it will never be sufficient.

That lie has kept its slimy hands off of me for awhile now, but a couple of days ago, I felt it return with brutal force. In one instant, I felt its grip around my throat and it left me mute. Trembling, even. It only took a few minutes for me to realize what was happening, however, and I was able to remind myself of the truth.

I am enough. I have all that I need. My hope is in greater things than smooth days and everything looking exactly like I want them to at all times. God is still good when the baby is fussy and won't let me sleep. Ezra is secure in my love and it's not going to ruin him to have to wait for mommy's attention or play video games for an hour.

Perspective.

This may sound totally silly, but there is a movie that I love that keeps coming back to my mind when I'm feeling overwhelmed lately. It's one of my all-time favorites. "The Family Stone". The thing that this movie has helped remind me of is that this is just a season in my life. One day, my kids will be older and grown and coming home for Christmas and filling my house with their life and laughter. And that later season will have it's own unique challenges as well, I know, but I find hope and strength in that picture all the same. (That movie makes me want to have, like, a MILLION more kids.)

That's one thing that has been so different this time around- something I didn't have when I first had Ezra- the ability to step back and look at my life with wider eyes. Eyes tuned in to the bigger picture. I know now that this is a learned skill, one that doesn't come easy or naturally. I'm so grateful to be learning this skill slowly in my own life... to know that my future (no matter what it ends up looking like) is GOOD. Because, God is good. I may not know anything else about Him for sure, but I do know that. (How do I know it? Only from my own story! I called, He answered. I leapt, He caught. Over and over and over it's been true. I've tested His goodness in my life and He has never failed me.)

It's strange how all of this 'stepping back' to look at my life has somehow made me more able to be 'present' in the now as well. When you're not feeling like the world is physically crashing down on your head, I think you're more able to laugh and somehow enjoy the chaos that otherwise would have swept you away...



In other news... if that old baby scale I stuck him on the other day was accurate, little myer elliot has gained almost THREE pounds in four weeks. Say WHAAA?!?!^#&$#^# He is wearing 3 month old clothing now. He is a TANK!

(Just one more way he's proving himself to be all things opposite of his {tiny} older brother...)

14 comments:

Karen said...

sooo refreshing to read. thank you for this! you have such a ministry to women. i love it. :-)

anna joy said...

ah emery, this was so exactly what i needed to hear. i love your life. is that weird? i do though. and gosh dangit that kids lips are huge, did i already say that?! BECAUSE they are. i cant wait to see how he looks when he turns more into a real little person. anyways, thank you for your inspiration and encouragement, just by writing your blog. you have NOO idea how many people you impact. my mom knows you well, when i show her one of your songs or tell her about a blog post or something, she already knows who you are because i talk about you so much. i sorta feel like your a virtual big sister.... creepy? oh well!!

Misguided Mommy said...

Em, this is a beautiful post. I know those moments. There will be so many more too. The worst for me, are the ones where I feel like I'm being nicer to the baby then Brandon. Every day they still get me. I am so proud of how strong you are, how this early on you are able to step back and clear your head.

Great Job Em, you are such an amazing mom.

sufferingsummer said...

three cheers for growth and the ability to see it! Your are big in wisdom for such a small girl:)
And that squishy smooshy baby, I just want to eat his cheeks. He now weighs the same as Sabine. hee hee hee...my girl who is huge compared to her sister...guess it's all relative huh?

Annie Peterson said...

SO good for me to hear also... The Lord has blessed you so crazy big, and then has given you the ability to tells others about just how good He is...it's awesome!

No Mommy Brain said...

i feel the exact same way about the family stone! i think, "i better start having more babies so some day they can all come home for christmastime adventures."
the rest of your post was lovely, too. i just had to comment on the movie thing. ;)

Jiff said...

awww....that movie makes me want to have a million kiddos too. :)

Shelley said...

Your writing is amazing...I totally feel the same way and it's comfort to hear someone dealing with the same chaos. God is good, as you know and it's amazing that He can get us through anything. I will keep you in my prayers! Two is definitely harder than when three comes!

Shelley

jc said...

Hi, I have been following your blog and just had to comment on your last post. Thank you for putting it out there, it's nice to know there are other moms who live by faith and can overcome with the Lord. Take care, jc.

mrs boo radley said...

Yes, oh, that movie...wow...I'd better get my family started.

Does Myer Elliot have the best little tiny nose and handsome lips or what?

Andrea June said...

Thanks for posting this, Emery! Very inspiring :)

MoMar said...

You are MORE than enough ... you inspire me.

Talia said...

AMEN!! Oh, I am so going to save this post as a favorite and come back and read it again when my baby gets here and I'm all stressed and frazzled and frustrated. Thank you!

manda said...

i so enjoy reading your blog...finding comfort & camaraderie in posts like these and getting to see the cuteness of your little boys.
also, i have two boys and my second son is also a "tank"; just the opposite of his older brother!