July 24, 2008

Grace Inward.



As the thought of another wonderful child looms, I hold him tighter. I wrestle longer. I watch harder. I try to memorize today and yesterday and the one before that. In a few short months, it will no longer be just me and him. He will have to share me. I will have to share him. My two ears will not be tuned to him in the 100% way they are now. Right now, he commands center stage. And he knows it.

Ezra spontanteously tells me that he LOOOVES ME at least 100 times a day. Pretty much any time there is a lull in the conversation. I scoop these words up and marinate in them- because like the lady at his school often reminds me- there will come a day when those words won't fall quite so easily from his lips.

That's what I'm doing these days. Marinating in the time spent with my boy. Soaking him up.

I had a friend tell me the other day that she feels like she doesn't even know her son like she used to since the new baby came along. Because they no longer get those one-on-one moments that used to make up their entire days.

The thought is somewhat terrifying. What silly jokes will I miss? What songs will slip past my ears? What quiet observations will go unheard? Will I be enough mom for the one and the two? Will my fragile patience survive the blow?

There will be a lot of letting go. And I know that it will be good for all of us. Like pruning a bush to make room for new growth.

There will need to be an abundance of Grace. Mostly for myself. Grace inward. Because I need to let go of the idea that I can be all things for everyone at all times. I can't be. Even for my two children- I can't be it all. I can be me right here and now and that's about it, yes? I think that's what Grace means. Allowing yourself to be you now... not frantically trying to get to the you of tomorrow, or bogging yourself down with the you of the past... Just... You. Right now.

Grace.

There is definetly new life headed our way. And it's so easy to forget that life and death are often one-in-the-same and marching towards you hand-in hand. With this new life will come the death of the way it has been. But if we didn't prune back and change every now and again, where would we be?

Overgrown. Supressing life. Unhealthy and wild... full of old branches that do nothing but suffocate. (Like those shrubs of mine out front. Ahem.)

Pruning is painful! I can feel the shears preparing for the cut already. I'm wincing, but I'm ready. I'm ready for the growth that will come from the loss. And I trust that God is preparing Ezra in the same way He's preparing his momma... Gently. With compassion and understanding. A kind gardener at work.

19 comments:

stacey @ happyarewe said...

What a beautiful post!

I've gone through so many changes in my relationships with my children as our family grows and as the years pass. One unexpected blessing has been what I learn about my children as they greet a new sibling. A whole different side of them emerges as they make room in the home and in their heart for that new friend. That's what makes my heart swell as a mom.

Lift Up Your Hearts said...

I think that every mother feels the way you do now, mostly with the second child but every time after that too. It's just too mind-boggling to see ahead of time how the family will be, how our hearts will feel, how we'll adjust. The dread of it is much more intense than the actual living out of it. You'll find yourself in moments watching your son and his new sibling and knowing how blessed you both are!

Zimms Zoo said...

I want to echo what the lady said above about learning more about each child as they welcome each new addition. It is so neat and wonderful to see the love in their eyes as they look at this new sibling and think about all the things they are going to get to teach it. And trust boys teach all kinds of fun things.

I will say that sometimes I miss important times with them that are really more of my making than anything. I am folding clothes or making dinner or something. Take that time of feeding the baby to tell Ezra about his birth or reading a book or letting him act out a story for just you. Many times when I would be nursing one of the babies, all the kids would pile around on the chair and talk and watch and love would flow all around.

But you are also right about the pruning. Pruning is so painful, but brings us ever so much closer to the one who desires nothing but the very best for us.

MEGAN said...

I learned a theory in school awhile ago by Donald Winnicott: something about, a child doesn't need a perfect mother, just a mother that is good enough. Obviously the only perfection that exists is in Jesus Christ himself. You are not perfect, nor is your son, or your husband. I think you far exceed meeting the minimum of good enough! Maybe what you lack his brother or sister can offer him too! Once the new baby gets a bit older, Ezra will have a new best friend!

Hunny Bee May said...

I haven't thought so much about this, even with another baby in our near future (a girl!), but I think I've just assumed that we will fold this new child into our lives the way folded the first one in. And he just fit. Now I can't imagine life without him (how boring) and I'm hoping and guessing it will be that way with the second. You just fold them in, right? That's the best guess I have.

MoMar said...

You are a wonderful mother, and ... well, you are wonderful.

skylana said...

ok i am SUPER hard to make cry. i didn't cry when ara was born, i didn't cry on my wedding day... but i cried when i read this, because i feel the same way... and so far anyone i have expressed this too has just not gotten it... they just want me to be soooo excited for whats to come, and i know its right and will be good, but i HAVE to grieve the loss of my special alone-ness with ara that will never be quite the same.... i haven't had it for very long and i wanted it to last oh so much longer... you are so blessed to have had all these years that he will remember! i get soooooooo sad thinking about how all this time i've been loving, all these moments we've been sharing... they're only going to be mine soon... and she wont even remember that her and i were ever alone.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD said...

Okay so I just wrote you a super long comment in response to your skinny jean question and then I realized I should have just posted it here!

P.S. These would look amazing on you: http://sierramaternity.com/Seven+Maternity+Jeans+%3A+Roxanne+-+New+York+Dark/

GIRL'S GONE CHILD said...

These are also awesome but it looks like they're sold out? Maybe you can find them elsewhere?

http://www.duematernity.com/paprdeblhesk.html

Good luck! I'm done now, I promise.

Mercy Kidz said...

The transition from 1 to 2 was really easy for me, I dont know why, however the thought of a third is how your feeling right now. However I am assuming it well work out just as well as its going to, not only beucase things work out but becuase do we really have a choice? This child is determined by the holy father in heaven who was crusified for us. Whatever the sex, whatever the personality, whatever the age these children are they are ours, given to us by God. I think that alone means he has trusted us with amaing things and we are able to do it. IN a few years you are ogin to wonder how you only did it with one. Josiah and Ezekiel play all day together, I get more things done and they are such buddies. You well do great! You are fully able!!
Also, I dont think I could live anywere were there was a health warning to go OUTSIDE! I would go just as nutty as you are going! Oh and TOR-flippen-NADOS! Yeah im lucky in this california sun!!

Mercy Kidz said...

The transition from 1 to 2 was really easy for me, I dont know why, however the thought of a third is how your feeling right now. However I am assuming it well work out just as well as its going to, not only beucase things work out but becuase do we really have a choice? This child is determined by the holy father in heaven who was crusified for us. Whatever the sex, whatever the personality, whatever the age these children are they are ours, given to us by God. I think that alone means he has trusted us with amaing things and we are able to do it. IN a few years you are ogin to wonder how you only did it with one. Josiah and Ezekiel play all day together, I get more things done and they are such buddies. You well do great! You are fully able!!
Also, I dont think I could live anywere were there was a health warning to go OUTSIDE! I would go just as nutty as you are going! Oh and TOR-flippen-NADOS! Yeah im lucky in this california sun!!

cam said...

soak him up now. i've had two for 10 months, and i'm STILL sad every single day at the loss of the only-child relationship with gray. it's been the hardest part, and it's never lessened for me. i miss him so much. and at times, i struggle w/resentment toward #2...how's that for brutal honesty?

anna joy said...

ahh.. the grace of God. so ridiculous, so good. thanks for the reminder to have grace with myself. i'm so excited for you watching all this progress, i was like waiting for weeks for your first appointment! its really cool to see how God is working on you through all of this. you are such an encouragement :)

Our Crooked Tree said...

So well said. I remember all of these feelings (though not so eloquent) when I was having Beau when Gannon was only 17 months old. We make an effort to have some one on one time with each of them and I think that helps...mostly me ☺ You are amazing and so too is your awareness.

Momo Fali said...

You know what? You make me smile. Your grace makes me smile. Things will be different, that's for sure, but you will find so many opportunities to let that grace shine through.

Cristina Mathers said...

unlike jess the transition from one to two was not super easy but that's prob because i was way too over analytical. i felt way worried about giving equal attention and trying to make the oldest understand who this new little one was. you are so right in knowing that you can't be everything to everyone. your pruning analogy was perfect and very true. and with each day that passed going from one to two was easier and easier. and you are right about marinating in the little joys that happen daily. scoop them up while you can, i know i do! so you are pretty much right about everything!

Meghan Elaine said...

Hi Emery,
I checked out your emery vintage blog (love your style), and I was wondering how you put borders around your photos? I'm new to blogging and I LOVE your background/banner (is that even what it's called?) I don't know how to do any of that yet.

Steph said...

Congratulations! You look fabulous. And I am sure you will be enough mom for both.

lorieloo said...

gosh I never tire(is that the right spelling?) of your words and how they challenge me. And I just can not get over your belly!