April 26, 2008

Drenched in Life.


Little boys are amazingly fantastic.



Four months ago, I wasn't even really sure that I wanted to have more kids. To be perfectly honest, the thought of another kid felt somewhat suffocating to me. I'd become overwhelmed when I'd picture another human being milling about the place- crying and poopin and lookin' at me with those big googly baby eyes again.

Four months ago, with trepidation, I agreed that it was time to think about expanding our family once again- what with Ezra being well into three and displaying signs of awesome big brother-ly-ness every chance he got... kissing babies, cradling and singing to the dolls at school, and wanting nothing more than to help me with the mounds of dirty laundry that tend to pile up on the garage floor. (The boy LOVES to do laundry. I do declare!)

Ezra's name literally means "helper", and has a boy ever fit a given name so perfectly in the great span of all time? I think maybe not. The name fits him like a glove. His spirit is "helper", his joy is "helper", his DNA spells "helper" in cursive when you look at it under the lens of a microscope. He helps me more than a young boy could ever be expected to help a momma... keeping my feet on solid ground and helping me remember the little girl inside. (Who is still very much alive, come to find out. Hi there, little Emy Jo!)

Three months ago, I had an early miscarriage. And the Emery of three months ago was simultaneously devastated and (dare I say it outloud?) ...somehow... slightly relieved. Deep down, I had been scared to become a mother again. The first go-round had changed me so deeply; could I do it all over again and still remain... me?

The me of three months ago was not well. I'd settled for a version of myself that had surrendered something almost a decade earlier and never gotten it back. It was like there was a layer of film between me and the world- like I had set my heart on cruise control and hoped to sail through to the end on auto pilot- not feeling too much and just sortof... skimming the surface of life. If you will.

In my state of desperation, I cried out for help and got rescued. I took steps of faith and found myself suddenly blinking at the fierce light of a film-free world. It was like my windows got a good scrubbing- 10 years of grime wiped away in what seemed like an instant.

I know I'm on a journey- that I'm not suddenly 100% healed and perfect. Heck, just yesterday I may or may not have thrown a phone at the wall in a burst of anger and shattered it all to pieces. (Yipes! Sorry bout that honey muffin.) But there's this underlying thing that wasn't there before... simply, hope.

There's a word that could describe me quite well these past three months: I've become a big fat blubbering SOFTIE again. I cry... a lot. When I'm by myself. But now they are tears of wonder and love and just plain feeling good. I'm remembering sweet things from my childhood, how God was there even before I knew his name, and I'm feeling called to live from my youthful heart again. (Lawsie, I'm crying even now. Someone get this girl a tissue.) The old me is resurfacing. Old bones that were far too long buried.

And in the midst of all this rebirth, something surprising is gleaming forth. The mother in me. She is beaming. And dreaming! Dreaming of babies and children and expanding her tent and passing on the gift of life. Because, suddenly, life is good! And it's worth creating and multiplying and reveling in!

Chris, Ezra, and I- we are a symphony. Yet something is missing... someone is missing... there is a chair unfilled. An instrument un-played. A melody un-sung.

I know now, more than I ever have before, that I am ready. Ready to become a mother again. Ready to embrace the life I have been given, and cradle the life that's yet to come.



This is Keira - a friend's daughter who has STOLEN MY HEART.


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Disclaimer: Not pregnant. YET. :)

18 comments:

Mother Victorious said...

I must say, I have been lurking around for a long time. I just wanted to say, your writing is inspiring and I am very grateful that you are honest with all your experiences. Thankyou...

Katy said...

while I was reading this post, the song "Never Let Go" by David Crowder Band was playing on my computer... it fit so perfectly with this post. God never lets go of us even when we feel 5,340,580,308.99 miles away!!! hehe! Isn't that an amazing thing to rest assured in?! Even when we don't want God around. He still is... and when we realize again that He is all we need that's the best feeling in the world.

p.s. it is GREAT to see that smile on your face in that picture! I feel like I continue to be blessed by your blog! Thank you. Blessed by a complete stranger across the internet galaxy!

Our Crooked Tree said...

congrats on so many levels! a post like this; as well as all of your other posts' is exactly why you are such a fab woman, mother, and wife! your symphony description was perfect. ours is not always in tune but we play pretty well together most of the time.

CAS said...

I'm 8 days into two and it is more and better and really without adequate words to share the joy of meeting a whole new member to your family. bliss.
I have so much hope for you and your family...Ezra will be the best of big brothers...

R-becca said...

Yea! I am so happy and cannot wait for the next Clark to be in the world. She (did I just say that?) is going to be AMAZING!

Kyrene said...

Hi Emery! I'm Kyrene. And your welcome! No problem. So how long have you been living in Oaklahoma? Have you ever heard of Belmont Vintage by Becky Filip?

Cristina Mathers said...

maybe, not yet, but something tells me it won't be long! =)

Debra K said...

I totally scrolled to the bottom with out finishing the post to see if you were making an announcement...I did go back and read the whole thing. I cant wait for Ezra to be a big brother!

Mercy Kidz said...

your amazing.........is that all i everpost? maybe, but uts true!

Talia said...

it's so exciting to think that this whole journey you've been on recently, all these changes and discoveries you've made-- Lord willing, they are just the beginning!! I must confess that I will be anxiously awaiting to see what happens in this next part. Here's hoping a BABY has a role to play!!! :)

Amy said...

delurking... (found you through burnsidewriterscollective)

I love your blog and you need to know you have encouraged me over several months - its truly inspiring.

Ashley said...

Emery Jo! I've missed your posts lately! It was so nice to read this and hear you happy!

Good luck with baby #2, you are obviously an amazing mother!

Momo Fali said...

How exciting, and wonderful, and beautiful!

Shawna Herring Photography said...

Emery, you are a gift to the world. I can honestly say that the only thing that really inspires me is people. Their stories, their vulnerabilities, the human-ness. There are lots of people who live life through a mask, way too concerned about keeping up a good and phony appearance. It's a breath of fresh air to be able too look into someone's life and actually feel something. You do that... for many people. God bless you Emery. Thank you for being you.

Leanne said...

Girl, you have a way with words. Thank you for sharing more of what is going on in your head and heart. Just amazing.

I have to say that I cannot wait for the post declaring that you are pregnant. Hopefully soon...Lord willing.

Scott and Lorie said...

k now you have ME crying.

Is it crazy that I already want another one?

Yesyes. Very crazy. But all this baby talk, as well as things in my own life are making me crave that littleness again.

sheesh I'm insane.

Jenny Schlenker said...

I am welled up with Tears. I love that the spirit inside of us can be so easily broken, crushed, redeemed and sensitive to the things of life and God. I pray that God would breathe life into you. I love you, you are stunningly beautiful!

Candace said...

Ah! my comment didn't post!
Thank you for sharing this beautiful post about the beautiful journey you are on.