Okay, let's talk anti-depressants.
My doctor asked me, like, TWO questions and then just handed me a baggie full of anti-depressant medication saying "Check back with me in 6 weeks and we'll see if this helps you."
That baggie is now sitting on my kitchen counter- and every time I walk by them, I feel like they are glaring at me... like an unanswered email or an unreturned call. "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT ME?" they cry as I drink milk straight from the carton in the middle of the night. "MAKE UP YOUR MIND!" (They talk in all caps because they think I can't hear them. But I can.)
Why am I feeling so reluctant towards this medication?
Part of me wonders if I shouldn't just flush it all down the toilet. I keep asking God how He feels about the stuff... I mean, after all, couldn't He just reach down and touch me with His pinky finger and heal any imbalances that may be occurring within my body? But, then again- couldn't He do that with... I don't know... HEADACHES as well? Why am I perfectly okay taking Aspirin but not Anti-Depressants? Where is the pharmaceutical line drawn? I'm pretty sure the Bible doesn't say anything about Lex@pro. (Unless it's buried somewhere in one of those books I never read- like Leviticus.)
Then, here comes the age-old comeback: God made doctors and gave them the knowledge they have now, right? So really, it's sort of like GOD prescribed me this medication! Thanks, God!
I am so confused.
(This is right about when my head explodes. And I die. And the caps-lock questions still have not been answered.)
I think that maybe I've struggled with depression for a very long time but have never acknowledged it- or even known TO acknowledge it. Or maybe this is just the "human condition" that I am/have been feeling? That aching that won't be filled until I'm standing in front of the God who made me- telling Him how great He is and emptying everything from inside my pockets down at his feet? Even I know- no pill is going to dull that ache.
I keep hearing that medication should be my LAST RESORT. The very LAST thing that I try. I should try counseling, changing my diet, and exercising long before I just start popping pills.
But- here's the truth: It takes all the strength I have to even WALK OUT OF MY FRONT DOOR every day. There is absolutely NO WAY I have the motivation or energy or desire to get myself to plan/shop for/cook/eat healthier meals. Or to commit to going to the gym a few times a week. It got so overwhelming recently that I completely stopped going to the grocery store all together- even when I desperately needed something. (Milk, pull-ups, juice, wipes, pro-biotics.) How do you tell someone like that to just 'pull it together' and start exercising four times a week? When they are willing to sacrifice basic needs just so they won't have to leave the house?
Chris has graciously offered to take over the food planning/shopping/cooking for awhile so that I can focus on getting better. He has been nothing short of AMAZING through all of this.
Maybe this medication can get me back to the me I was before the simple thought of what to cook for dinner could overwhelm me and make me cry. Maybe once I get back to that place, I will be more ABLE to organize my life in a healthy manner. Maybe then it will just snowball until I feel better and better and better and I don't NEED the pills because the exercise and diet are more than enough.
I think I'm willing to give them a try. And chronicle the journey. And be open about how I'm feeling and coping- refusing to feel ashamed or abashed just because I've joined the anti-depressant club. (It's a much bigger club than I ever even realized, BTW.)
As of right now, I've been taking the pills for one week. Seven days. I don't feel any drastic changes, but I am asking myself and the people around me (aka HUSBAND) to be sensitive and aware of my behavior and note any changes that they see. (Subtle as they may be.)
And I am going to use this space to help me sort through all the stuff buzzing in my head through this process... hoping that it may help someone else out there that may be going through the same things- someone desperate for peace but wary of quick-fix solutions that are scribbled out hastily onto prescription tablets.