March 12, 2008


Okay, let's talk anti-depressants.

My doctor asked me, like, TWO questions and then just handed me a baggie full of anti-depressant medication saying "Check back with me in 6 weeks and we'll see if this helps you."

That baggie is now sitting on my kitchen counter- and every time I walk by them, I feel like they are glaring at me... like an unanswered email or an unreturned call. "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT ME?" they cry as I drink milk straight from the carton in the middle of the night. "MAKE UP YOUR MIND!" (They talk in all caps because they think I can't hear them. But I can.)

Why am I feeling so reluctant towards this medication?

Part of me wonders if I shouldn't just flush it all down the toilet. I keep asking God how He feels about the stuff... I mean, after all, couldn't He just reach down and touch me with His pinky finger and heal any imbalances that may be occurring within my body? But, then again- couldn't He do that with... I don't know... HEADACHES as well? Why am I perfectly okay taking Aspirin but not Anti-Depressants? Where is the pharmaceutical line drawn? I'm pretty sure the Bible doesn't say anything about Lex@pro. (Unless it's buried somewhere in one of those books I never read- like Leviticus.)

Then, here comes the age-old comeback: God made doctors and gave them the knowledge they have now, right? So really, it's sort of like GOD prescribed me this medication! Thanks, God!

I am so confused.

(This is right about when my head explodes. And I die. And the caps-lock questions still have not been answered.)

I think that maybe I've struggled with depression for a very long time but have never acknowledged it- or even known TO acknowledge it. Or maybe this is just the "human condition" that I am/have been feeling? That aching that won't be filled until I'm standing in front of the God who made me- telling Him how great He is and emptying everything from inside my pockets down at his feet? Even I know- no pill is going to dull that ache.

I keep hearing that medication should be my LAST RESORT. The very LAST thing that I try. I should try counseling, changing my diet, and exercising long before I just start popping pills.

But- here's the truth: It takes all the strength I have to even WALK OUT OF MY FRONT DOOR every day. There is absolutely NO WAY I have the motivation or energy or desire to get myself to plan/shop for/cook/eat healthier meals. Or to commit to going to the gym a few times a week. It got so overwhelming recently that I completely stopped going to the grocery store all together- even when I desperately needed something. (Milk, pull-ups, juice, wipes, pro-biotics.) How do you tell someone like that to just 'pull it together' and start exercising four times a week? When they are willing to sacrifice basic needs just so they won't have to leave the house?

Chris has graciously offered to take over the food planning/shopping/cooking for awhile so that I can focus on getting better. He has been nothing short of AMAZING through all of this.

Maybe this medication can get me back to the me I was before the simple thought of what to cook for dinner could overwhelm me and make me cry. Maybe once I get back to that place, I will be more ABLE to organize my life in a healthy manner. Maybe then it will just snowball until I feel better and better and better and I don't NEED the pills because the exercise and diet are more than enough.

I think I'm willing to give them a try. And chronicle the journey. And be open about how I'm feeling and coping- refusing to feel ashamed or abashed just because I've joined the anti-depressant club. (It's a much bigger club than I ever even realized, BTW.)

As of right now, I've been taking the pills for one week. Seven days. I don't feel any drastic changes, but I am asking myself and the people around me (aka HUSBAND) to be sensitive and aware of my behavior and note any changes that they see. (Subtle as they may be.)

And I am going to use this space to help me sort through all the stuff buzzing in my head through this process... hoping that it may help someone else out there that may be going through the same things- someone desperate for peace but wary of quick-fix solutions that are scribbled out hastily onto prescription tablets.


R-becca said...

I love you Em-bot. I think you are making the best decision for yourself. And remember, Denver is a short drive away...probably...I think. :)

I am absolutely loving it here. I feel like I found where I am suppose to be. A-ha! Crazy...and perhaps a little presumptive of me, but at least I feel that way right now.

Scooby said...

Wow. I'm pretty suspicious of pills too. I've been doing counseling lately, and it has helped so much to delve in and unpack some old stuff that kept cropping up. It might be good to talk to a counselor and get a second opinion.

Coral said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andrea June said...

Hey, Em.
I really appreciate this post because I'm going through a similar thing, too...trying to get counseling and see if I need the pills. I've been doing a lot of the crying, too (like last night right before I gave a presentation that I was TOTALLY prepared for), and have cancelled class a couple of times b/c I just couldn't get out of the bed and out of the house.
I am praying for you and I so admire your honesty. I don't think I could ever be brave enough to be as transparent as you are. <3 you!

Dave said...

Hey Rebecca the drive is 10 hours or so.

Anyway Hey Em I was reading an article recently on the internet so who knows the validity of the source. However it was a commentary on anti-depressants. The guy was saying that depression may be built into us as a way to stop and re-evaluate our circumstances and not something that needs to be medicated. I can totally empathize with you in regards to how you feel depressions sucks and I have always tried to avoid taking pills for it. Candace can vouch that its not easy to deal with someone that is in the midst of a depression episode. Maybe you should try less blogging for awhile maybe that part of the cause. I don't really know but it is a thought.

Jessica (Sutherland) Mapa said...

Hi Emery I realize I haven't talked to in in a long time so my experience may not mean much but I went to a doctor two years ago about my depression. I too was shocked when she gave me a sample and said to come back in a month to see how they are working. I also left mine on the desk wondering what to do. Finally I called my friend who is in the middle of his residency and talked to him about the medication they gave me. He told me that knowing my personality it probably wouldn't be able to tell a difference because I don't have a personality that is on either extreme of really melancholy or really bouncy--I'm just kinda in the middle and every few weeks experience a dip down.

He also told me he thought that one way people who do choose to take the medicine often forget is that the medicine is only one part of the "healing" process. That one of the best things someone could do is be meeting with someone (girls group, accountability, support system, friend, whatever you want to call it). He encouraged me that if I decided not to take the medicine to make sure I was well taken care of by meeting with people from the family of God.

Um...Last :) he wanted to make sure I understood that they medicine wouldn't really start to make a difference for at least one month. So I know you wrote that you have been taking your medicine for a week and haven't noticed anything and I know my doctor didn't tell me that tid-bit when she handed me the medicine so yeah I just wanted to say that too.

Some books that I have found encouraging are: Spiritual Depression by Dr. Martin Loyd Jones and When the Darkness Will not Lift by John Piper. Also the girls over at the Girl Talk blog just finished a series on our emotions especially with pms and our hormones. Not exactly what you are going through but I think could be super encouraging also.

Any way, I am thankful for Chris' care for you. What a sweet testimony to you and to the world of Christ's love for his church.

Sue said...

I like Jessica's answer.

Pills aren't a cure, they are a help. I was on Zoloft two separate times in my life, both times they helped and I was able to get that nudge to make another step towards healing. And each time I mastered a small step, doing a chore, driving to the store, etc. I would try another one. If I felt overwhelmed, I slowed down.

My pills never talked to me. I wonder now what they would have said. Or if I would have bothered to listen. Probably not.

Anonymous said...

I just read an article last night that said that anti-depressants are prescribed to women more often than birth control pills these days. Don't know how accurate that was, but it was disturbing nonetheless. That's a lot of women taking anti-depressants! Just wanted to share that with you.

Katy said...

wow. there has definitely been times in the past 6 months that I have honestly thought that I needed to take antidepressants. We just went over that class of drugs in my pharmacology class. There is nothing wrong with taking the drug... there is something wrong with being addicted to the drug. The side effects coming off of the drug may be weird at first but when you decide to try to stop taking them you should feel so much better. I hope this works for you. You're in my prayers here in West Virginia blog friend! :-)

Flo Oakes said...

I wrote a huge long comment, but just decided to say, I've had experience taking pills, and avoiding them...
If you want to ask me about it all, you can call me..I'll email you my number.
And seriously, call if you want!

I took prozac for PPD, and then researched more about it and quite. I had PPD and PMDD after Amelie was born and it turns out I just needed progesterone.

It might cost more to see a naturopath, but mine really helped me, and it saved me money in the long run because 2 months of progesterone cream pretty much cured me.

I'll email ya.

Oh also, it's even being questioned whether or not antidepressants even work better than placebo anyway.

Momar said...

I wonder why a doc wouldn't consider a hormonal imbalance first? Especially when there are tests that tell you whether you are out of balance. Flo's story about the progesterone is a perfect example. Maybe these pills are so harmless and effective it is the quickest way back to recovery? I say take them until your next full checkup and see for yourself what they do. Then see your doc with some very pointed questions. In the meantime, just a few minutes in the sunshine out on your deck each day and some omega - 3 supplements might help ?? Hope Hope !

Jeninacide said...

Well, Emery, coming from someone who has been there and done that (all of it) I have to say that just READING YOUR BLOG I have thought to myself several times (I wonder if she has considered MEDICATION)- but I would never say anything like that because HELLO- I am NOT a doctor. But the thought has crossed my mind. A few times.

Good luck!! I am totally rooting for you!

Christi said...

I have a form of SADD (I get depressed when the weather is bad-poor explination but the only way I can think to explain it) I have "had" this since I was about 15-16ish. This season along with stress it has gotten bad, but I am so thankful for more daylight now and warmth. I have done the talking to Dr.'s, inner-healing, meds, moving to sunny places, the important thing is that I can recognize when it is getting the best of me and sometimes all it takes is a vacation or mental break and other times it takes a whole lot more. I think you are taking a very good approach to this time of your life. You are remaining open and educating youself and asking others for help (Chris). I think it is really good that you are asking others around you to show you extra grace and also help you monitor this time in your life. You are so loved and so awesome . I am glad I know Emery and your smile has touched my life. (not to mention I always love to stalk...I mean read up on your blog).

Anonymous said...

Seems like there are as many opinions on the big "D" as there are medications to treat it.! All the same, I still couldn't resist dropping in with a couple thoughts.

First- thank you for this post. Unfortunately, for far too long in the church Depression has been made into a dirty word. Probably because us Christians tend to get real freaked out and up in a fuss when we can't put something in a box. And you nailed it- depression totally transcends both emotional and physical, spiritual and biological.

Second- that being said, you were right to feel strange emotions about the two question medication flinging that you experienced. From a girl who spent months and month cocktailing meds. I would definitely urge anyone to seek both opinions of physician and psychiatrist or therapist and be willing (like you brilliantly are) to be patient with the process, and open to adjustments. I like you had heard the "ONLY POP THE PILLS AS A LAST RESORT" mantra. However, my experience is that depression doesn't really act out in this hierarchical format, because like you said, you would love to exercise it away- brilliant idea if it weren't for that damn depression that has duct taped your mouth and tied you to the couch!
In my experience (though not professional by any means) is that medication isn't going to pull you out of depression, what it will do however is take the edge off enough to put you back in the position to make the choice (though sometimes still hard) to fight depression- to go for that walk, or paint, or make whatever small step you need to make for that day.
Last- (if you're still with me) I think you are right depression is very spiritual. I'm willing to put money on the fact that it is no new phenomenon. In fact, the desert fathers had a lot to say about these times I believe.
Not to get all mushy, but something you wrote on here maybe a couple years ago came to mind when I read your post today. You said you refused to be a family that swept things under the rug. Thanks for being open with your dirt Emery, believe it or not it's beautiful.
Shine on through this baby!

Mr Lady said...


I am SO not one to pimp my own blog around the internet, but I just just just went through this same thing and thought I'd offer up my own angst with it in the hopes that it might help you, too.

Take care!

Misguided Mommy said...

i believe it will take about two weeks for it to kick in. But something I want to tell you, the medicine isn't going to make your life suddenly sunshine and roses. what it will do though is change how you cope with what your handed. possibly God realized you just need some help coping, and help processing and this was his way of handing you the help.

Also, if the medicine is working right, you might not even notice the difference it might just happen. I'm glad you are taking them because you will never know unless you try. But I think all things happen for a reason and I for sure think there is a reason for this. I want to reach through and hug you right now and tell you, your making the right decision hon, for you and your family and everyone around you, because one thing we all want, is for you to be happy and healthy.

I love you, and am so proud of you for being brave enough to talk about this!

Anonymous said...

Well, I'll throw my 2 cents in here. As a beleiver, I dealt with the exact same issues that you are in deciding whether or not this was something God wanted for me. After a year of "TRYING" everything I could to get out of my front door after having my daughter, I conceded. After much prayer I felt a peace about giving them a go. I do believe God can heal us, but that He allows other means as well to aid in the process. I did have to switch a couple of times re: side effects, but one day after about a month, I realized I could see "ME" again :) They didn't fix everything but enabled me to see everything (even the things that needed fixing) clearly again. I did do some counseling which I think is key.. THAT is the real working through.. the meds were just a way to wipe off my foggy glasses. So it's been over year and I've been off for 2 months now with NO withdrawls, needs for meds etc. And I KNOW my poor post partum body simply needed something it didn't have chemically. I know you are going to get a lot of advice.. good to hear but ultimately you will know what you need to do. I know God will speak to your innermost needs as He did to mine. :)

Cheatwoods said...

I havent gone thru deep depression, I have felt the "its morning already" uggggggggg, I dont want to deal with kids today, feeling. WIch is normal for a woman who stays home. So I dont feel like I am good on advice for this one, but I didnt want to not leave a comment so all Im going to say is that you and your hsuband need to figure out what works, listen to that amazing man, listen to your body, bless you Emery. Dont feel shame becuase your a "Christian" and your taking Anti-Depressents. be blessed by God becuase he has Mercy on you. I love you.

meredith said...

emery -- people that are passionate feel everything more passionately-- including negative/depressed feelings - which can be especially overwhelming. christians get depressed too (i realize that some people disagree, but honestly, that's because they are uneducated). i think you should give them a try-- and don't even think about feeling guilty-- and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for it. it does not in any way mean that you are not relying on the Lord. he knows your heart. talk to Him about it and try to listen--he knows you, and knew about these moments way before you were ever here. he gets it, and he gets you.

it takes two weeks for anti-depressants to build up in your system enough for you to feel the difference- so if you were feeling anything... can anyone say placebo effect?

anti-depressants don't give you a false sense of positive-- they just clear your head and it's like you come out of a fog and can see what is true, and be more objective-- they just help you not spiral into the emotions that make you feel so overwhelmed. you will still be able to be sad, frustrated, mad.. they don't numb you.. but you won't "trigger" as easily.. it will make a real difference.

and just because you start taking them does not mean that you will always need them or that you will have to take them forever or anything like that..i have been on them a couple times in my life.. for short periods of time when i was simply overwhelmed -- (took them for 4 months, and then a year later for about 6 months. haven't taken them in about 4 years now.) i think you should give them a try for good month to month and a half -- and then, if you want, re-evaluate

anyway-- i have a degree in clinical psych. if you want to chat, definitely let me know.


Anonymous said...

I recently read an article about how for 90% of the people taking anti-depressives it isn't working and that taking vitamine pills gives same effect.

Please think about that before you swallow these toxic things! You're really too young to be taking them! I can't believe the doctors these days!

Anonymous said...

Well Hello Emery,
I am overwhelmed a little after all those comments--in a good way. Look at all the love this is bringing out! Whenever I am confused about something I try to remember it never is about making the right choice, it's about trusting the Lord, every second, no matter what is going on around us, or laying on our counters. Pray, ask for counsel, and then trust God as you decide what to do. It's not "right" or "wrong"- You are covered in Christ's blood, and God will be with you every moment, leading, guiding, catching and upholding you.
I love you too.

Misguided Mommy said...

Hi back again. That anon person (not the nice one right above me that other one) is being a pain in the ass! I love when people find blogs just to preach their preachy do it my way crap.

Anyway, I came back here for two reasons,
1. To say that I wanted to step aside from you for a second and point out your fricking amazing husband. Em I'm going through something so similar right now, and my husband has been so amazing. I started thinking that he might be one of the biggest things to help pull me out. Anyway I was reading your blog and reading about Chris and I felt great comfort knowing you were going through this with a man like him by your side. So, yeah, I guess I just wanted to take a second to just shine the light on him and say, Chris your doing such an amazing job, and you set the standards for husbands all over the world (my own husband still doesn't forgive you for the anniversary video I'm still harping about).

and 2: Chris we are still waiting on a guest post and answers to questions....unless i missed it. If I missed it then I feel like a giant asshole and someone please show me where it was and how I missed it.

Court said...

I'm proud of you for taking that step. I know it's hard to take meds! I've struggled with depression for a long time now. Just one small warning: once you find the right drug for you (there are so many!!) and you start to feel better you may feel like you can just STOP the meds. In my experience, that's not a good idea. Cause I feel so great and stop taking them...then one day the depression hits me again. I could have avoided it if I had just stayed ON the meds.

My experience with depression is similar to yours. The not wanting to leave the house, etc. The drugs have helped me. Yay prozac! =)

Also, I personally believe that God allows you to go thru things for a reason. Yes, He COULD just touch you and heal you. But, just think of all the people you'll be able to minister to (and are ministering to RIGHT NOW) b/c you're going thru this situation! That's what I keep telling myself anyway. =)

Anna Hosking said...

Hi girl - Thanks for another honest post; I do love your transparency. I am not a big supporter of pills (birth control, allergy meds, etc), but I know there comes a point when you really do need them. However, the pills are never The Answer, they are just a step towards the solution.

Also, the reason I am not really into medication is b/c I think we can do alot naturally. You spoke about being overwhelmed by exercise, but who said you had to start at 4x a week?! Go one day a week for 15 minutes and see how you feel. Also, one of the best ways Chris can support you, is to put his foot down a make you go out of the house at least once a week to meet a girlfriend for a chat or see a counselor.

Get some sun too; sans suncreen - vitamin D is some awesome stuff.

I'm shooting up a prayer for your right now; remember that The Lord is Good!

Anonymous said...

Meds work for some and not for others. When they "worked" for me I was in the same place you were. I didn't want to leave the house. Many of my friends advised me not to take them and said they are really like applying a band-aid on a deep, gushing wound. I needed something to be able to get out of bed to go to work and they allowed me that. I didn't expect my life to be perfect because of some little pink pills but it did stop me from wishing I wouldn't wake up.

Jennifer said...

I am proud of you for taking this huge step, as I know it scares you. The glaring problem I've seen in your post was that the doctor didn't TALK to you about them. I find this a glaring issue that seriously needs to be addressed. If you do not feel comfortable re-addressing this with the same doctor, then find another one. This IS a big deal and you deserve clarification. You're already lost and confused and it's like handing you a roadmap in a foreign language. Seriously, please speak to a physician who will TALK to you.

Anonymous said...

Just saying thanks. I found your blog through friend's link. I love the honesty, and I love to know I'm not alone.

Not So Perfect said...

Rest assured that you are helping someone else out that may be going through the same or similiar things. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. No judgement or advice here just pure love and admiration for your courage.

Maggie said...

if you have time, i recommend reading "a new earth" by eckhard tolle. very eye opening and life changing (for me, at least). don't judge me but YES that's oprah's book club book. ; )
also, are you taking any birth control? even iuds can put you totally out of whack. oh, i guess not if you just had the silent ultrasound. THAT could have put you out of balance!

Anonymous said...

I had severe depression after #5. I think I was the opposite of you in that I stayed so busy so that I could try to hold it at bay. But nevertheless it finally brought me to my knees.
I did use presciption meds for 3 weeks then I started on a round of some natural remedies and after about 6 months I started feeling much better.
I could finally sit and be alone with my thoughts and not be afraid that I might try to commit suicide.
It is very hard for Christians. It was a confusing time in that regard for me too!
I know how hard this can be and I will pray that the Lord will put his hand on you and that you will know he is beside you all the time.

Jooste Roost said...
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Emma Sometimes said...
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MoMar said...

Em: you have amazing bloggy friends. They are smart, thoughtful and really care about you. You are so so blessed !!

Scott and Lorie said...

your mom is right.

and i'm praying that you're able to filter through the bad and focus on the good.

it's easy to let one crappy comment ruin 32 good ones.

know that you're supported and prayed for in whichever avenue you decide to take.

piper of love said...

I can relate. Oh, yes I can relate.

I think Christian chickies deal with unneccesary aniety for this.

'Whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding as it should.'

Rest in knowing that God is already on top of things.

Relax about it.

With all the bagillion people in the anti-depressant club... why be normal? ;)


Emma Sometimes said...

I had PP Depression after my boys were born and I did not feel right about taking meds. My mom is clinically schizophrenic and she really needs them. Both are/were right choices.

The world tries to tell us we are damaged and need fixing when we go through hard times or show a less than perfect side.

Trees grow into the wind. Smooth seas don't make expert sailors. Dark valleys bring out our faith and character. God promises us he will be there in our 'shadow of darkness' (Psalm 23). Ironically, you can only have shadows with strong Light.

My point is that when you look at it, I'd believe you already know what you should do for you and your family. Pray about it and whatever the answer, it will be the right choice.

(I had to repost this...typos make me nuts)

Talia said...

wow, so much support and input! I don't have anything to say about this topic, since I know really nothing about it (and even if I did it would probably already have been said), but I do want to let you know I am praying you find the clear answers and peace you need about a decision one way or the other. And, most of all, that you would find yourself better and happier very soon-- however that happens.
Isaiah 26:3-4

Jooste Roost said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Candace said...

i was the same way. i supported everyone around me who was on medication but couldn't do it. I see a therapist once every two weeks whether I feel good or bad. It's my gift to myself. It's not a spouse or a friend and it's my time and just declaring that feels good. the therapist told me to take the pills, if it didn't work out, I could STOP taking them. Wow. what a novel idea! Look, you are obviously a talented and creative and extremely giving person touching so many lives. It's gonna come with a little bit of a price: sensitivity, depression at times, etc. You have incredible support and an incredible ability to express yourselves and heal others in the process. Maybe this is just part of the journey. I have faith it is and you'll get through it even stronger and more balanced and dare I say, very happy!
thanks for sharing.

Terese said...

Dear Emery Jo,
getting clinical help for depression is a strong decision and will along with everything else that you and Chris and Ezra will be part of can ultimately mean a shorter period of suffering. Untreated depression is dangerous and you are coming into a phase of healing by making the choice to do something about it. Everyone is really supportive of you and your decision. Hang in there - I really love reading your blog and send prayers to you.

Momo Fali said...

You have to remember that depression is a chemical imbalance. It's real, not imagined. It's a medical problem and you can fix it with medicine. Someday, I hope there won't be a stigma attached to it anymore. Try it, see if it helps. Above all, hang in there and keep your strong faith. That will guide you through anything.

Awake said...

I can't really add any sentiments that haven't already been offered. Just peace, Emery. I offer peace and prayer. Take care.

Anonymous said...

I have been in the place where it all you can do to walk out the front door. Where it takes all the energy you can muster to take a shower. For me I was blessed to find an amazing Dr who took the time to find a medication that worked for me (it took 2 months) then found me the support I needed for me and my man to heal. I found God in that process, a new lease on life and a Joy I could never have imagined. I no longer take the meds that I so desperately needed to overcome the bonds of depression; but they did give me the help I needed to utilize all the other amazing resources. I wish you all the best, and you're always in my prayers.
CeCe D.

becca! said...

You have a whole lotta comments!
I really think you are an amazing woman and I'm excited to read about your journey with anti-depressants and just getting healthier.
(this is becca ragland by the way:))

Hadara said...

Emery...I've tried to comment on your past couple of posts and blogger has been eating my comments!! So I apologize for my long absence. Let me post this before I give my thoughts just to make sure it works, so they don't get eaten too...

Don Mills Diva said...

Hi - I'm kinda late and I'm a new reader but I wanted to add that several memebersof my immediate family have struggled with clinical depression and each one of them have been helped immensely by the use of anti-depressants - just my experience.

Our Crooked Tree said...

I started taking "a well known med" at the end of 2007 after much inner debate. I always considered meds to be for the weak; I should just change my diet and exercise, right? My husband came from the school of "thoughts are things" so I thought I would dissappoint him to take meds. Seeing my doc and being honest with myself and him and hubs made a huge difference. Doc was supportive and VALIDATING. He said depression is not the kind of thing that people can just "change their thoughts" especially if it has been a while; the brain becomes rewired in a way. I experienced almost immediate results. I switched to generic at one point to try to save money but went back after digressing a bit. I know lots of people have their opinions about this; you have to do what works for you. I know hormone therapy was mentioned above; I tried progesterone cream for about a year before meds and have to say it made me cooky...hubs insisted I stop using it. My doc said to take the meds for at least a year before trying to ween off so keep that in mind too.

One of the comments mentioned meds are prescribed more to woman today than birth control. This may be true; is it a problem with the docs looking for a quick fix or society and ourselves expecting too much out of us? Or could it simply be that we are more aware of these things now than before? Just a thought.

You have lots of support so all will turn out in your favor. Good luck!

skylana said...

hey lady.... i'm so sorry that you are dealing with all this... i had an intense depression for about 3 years of my life, i barely even remember that time because i was on auto pilot... i did NOTHING, i wanted to die, i thought of ways to kill myself every day all day long... even started to act them out. i overdossed on tylenol pm and benedryl and obviously had to go to the hospital.. anyway in the end all i can really say is that God somehow did lift it. i was at a point in which i didn't remember what it was like to feel normal, much less happy and i thought the physical ache i felt on my heart would be there for the rest of my life. my entire family has or does take anti depressants, so i was determined to be the first not to.... i dont think people are bad or anything for taking them, but i dont believe it is a healthy thing to depend on medication to bring life back to our hearts. as you probably know, but might not, i am not the most spiritual person anymore, i dont think God will just do what you ask or pray for 'if you just believe' or anything like that, but i do KNOW from experience that if you truly take the power away from the things that hold you captive, they leave. i also dealt with INTENSE anxiety for two years, having panic attacks, not sleeping at night AT ALL, constant fear on my mind, every day. it affected mine and seth's relationship soooooo much and i did the same things i did with my depression with this and it is gone! which is a miracle, if i could only really describe the way it was on a computer.... anyway i really think when we decide that those things aren't good, but for real though and aren't 'comfortable' (because somewhere deep inside they are comfortable or we wouldn't hold onto them in our twisted ways) but when we decide that we really truly honestly hate them, despise them and chose not to be comforted by them.... they cant have power over us anymore and then you can take steps to move out of them... anwyay i'd love to talk to you on the phone about all this.... there's also herbal things you can take which are much milder and safer than drugs.... i love you. i want you to feel better. if you want to you can write me or call me.