February 4, 2008
It is going to be SEVENTY SIX degrees here today. 76!!
Chance of SNOW.
We had a picnic with the neighbors today and I had a tank top on and felt HOT. Ezra's cheeks turned bright pink like he'd gotten too much sun. Yet tomorrow, I will be watching rain and snow from my window- cranking up the heater and feeling like I am in the Twilight Zone.
Oklahoma weather is bizarre.
I must openly admit to the cheese-ball card I'm about to play here and tell you that, yes, I'm moments away from relating these crazy weather patterns to the patterns of my heart/mind over the past few days.
I am losing steam.
My desire and passion to get out and find a job and do new things is fading and I am feeling like my old self again... tired, unmotivated, sad.
Summer yesterday, Winter today.
I have been beating myself up about these things. Telling myself I am not a good Christian, a good wife, a good mum, a good friend. Ezra has started conversing non-stop in the body-cringing frequency of a WHINE. I am quick to lose my temper and my days feel like years. I never go outside. I wonder if God thinks this is stupid. I suddenly wish I was an outdoors-y type of person... leading Ezra on adventures through the woods and taking family camping trips into the middle of nowhere with nothing but tents and food... adventure in our faces and sunsets on our backs.
Why am I feeling this strange tension all of the sudden?
I think it has a lot to do with the recent realization that I have led a completely SAFE and completely SHELTERED life up to this point... and that no one who's ever contributed to the world could describe their lives as "safe". I am so blessed to have had such a life, but when you are an American who has always had everything you've ever needed, it doesn't leave much room for FAITH or total dependence on God. I'm suddenly not okay with being a couch potato Christian. This suddenly seems ridiculous to me, but it's the life I have been living for as long as I can remember.
The God I believe in is not a safe God. He is adventurous and dangerous and wild. He asks you to do ludicrous things with no promise of pleasant outcomes. He calls you to risk your life for others; calls you to lay it all on the line so that He can shine through you. He demands great sacrifice and obedience.
Going to the grocery store is the adventure in my life. And I feel like I don't even know God because I've never really had to know Him. (Is any of this making sense? Didn't I start this post off by talking about the weather?) All of these thoughts seem a bit scary to me. And they are so loud inside my head I can't think of much else.
Back when life was tumultuous and my heart was at a constant breaking point... back when I was fighting for the man I loved... I felt God near. It was the most difficult yet sweetest time of my life. Because I needed Him. I woke up each morning feeling like I wasn't going to survive if He didn't spoon-feed me my next breath.
I NEEDED Him.
So, I am praying. I am praying that God would use me in a great adventure. That He would find me ready and able when and if He ever needs me. I am praying for the motivation to get out of my house. The motivation to volunteer or spend myself on account of someone else. Because right now, I don't have that motivation. I don't have any desire to walk out of my front door. And I NEED that to change because the adventure I so desperately want to be a part of isn't just going to come knock on my door and ask if I'm not doing anything later. And I honestly think that's what I've been waiting for all this time...
I woke up in the middle of the night last night feeling panic at the thought of all of this. Like I'd messed everything up and wanted nothing more than to start it all over again. Regret. The WORST feeling in the world. And something in the atmosphere of my house didn't feel right... there was something heavy and oppressive in the air and I felt scared and hopeless. I tried to pray. I felt a strong urge to grab the dusty Bible on my nightstand. I wished that I had more of His words memorized in my heart so that I could recall them to my mind in the dark.
I prayed that God would forgive me, change me, calm me. I told the darkness in my bedroom that He is Faithful and Good. I whispered it to my quiet room and tried to believe it. My chest started to feel a bit lighter and the atmosphere began to shift. I prayed some more and finally fell back asleep.
So, to the inky stuff inside my heart:
God is Faithful. God is Good.
The weather could change again tomorrow, but those things never will.
at 1:55 PM