February 4, 2008

Losing Steam.

It is going to be SEVENTY SIX degrees here today. 76!!


Chance of SNOW.

We had a picnic with the neighbors today and I had a tank top on and felt HOT. Ezra's cheeks turned bright pink like he'd gotten too much sun. Yet tomorrow, I will be watching rain and snow from my window- cranking up the heater and feeling like I am in the Twilight Zone.

Oklahoma weather is bizarre.

I must openly admit to the cheese-ball card I'm about to play here and tell you that, yes, I'm moments away from relating these crazy weather patterns to the patterns of my heart/mind over the past few days.

I am losing steam.

My desire and passion to get out and find a job and do new things is fading and I am feeling like my old self again... tired, unmotivated, sad.

Summer yesterday, Winter today.

I have been beating myself up about these things. Telling myself I am not a good Christian, a good wife, a good mum, a good friend. Ezra has started conversing non-stop in the body-cringing frequency of a WHINE. I am quick to lose my temper and my days feel like years. I never go outside. I wonder if God thinks this is stupid. I suddenly wish I was an outdoors-y type of person... leading Ezra on adventures through the woods and taking family camping trips into the middle of nowhere with nothing but tents and food... adventure in our faces and sunsets on our backs.

Why am I feeling this strange tension all of the sudden?

I think it has a lot to do with the recent realization that I have led a completely SAFE and completely SHELTERED life up to this point... and that no one who's ever contributed to the world could describe their lives as "safe". I am so blessed to have had such a life, but when you are an American who has always had everything you've ever needed, it doesn't leave much room for FAITH or total dependence on God. I'm suddenly not okay with being a couch potato Christian. This suddenly seems ridiculous to me, but it's the life I have been living for as long as I can remember.

The God I believe in is not a safe God. He is adventurous and dangerous and wild. He asks you to do ludicrous things with no promise of pleasant outcomes. He calls you to risk your life for others; calls you to lay it all on the line so that He can shine through you. He demands great sacrifice and obedience.

Going to the grocery store is the adventure in my life. And I feel like I don't even know God because I've never really had to know Him. (Is any of this making sense? Didn't I start this post off by talking about the weather?) All of these thoughts seem a bit scary to me. And they are so loud inside my head I can't think of much else.

Back when life was tumultuous and my heart was at a constant breaking point... back when I was fighting for the man I loved... I felt God near. It was the most difficult yet sweetest time of my life. Because I needed Him. I woke up each morning feeling like I wasn't going to survive if He didn't spoon-feed me my next breath.


So, I am praying. I am praying that God would use me in a great adventure. That He would find me ready and able when and if He ever needs me. I am praying for the motivation to get out of my house. The motivation to volunteer or spend myself on account of someone else. Because right now, I don't have that motivation. I don't have any desire to walk out of my front door. And I NEED that to change because the adventure I so desperately want to be a part of isn't just going to come knock on my door and ask if I'm not doing anything later. And I honestly think that's what I've been waiting for all this time...

I woke up in the middle of the night last night feeling panic at the thought of all of this. Like I'd messed everything up and wanted nothing more than to start it all over again. Regret. The WORST feeling in the world. And something in the atmosphere of my house didn't feel right... there was something heavy and oppressive in the air and I felt scared and hopeless. I tried to pray. I felt a strong urge to grab the dusty Bible on my nightstand. I wished that I had more of His words memorized in my heart so that I could recall them to my mind in the dark.

I prayed that God would forgive me, change me, calm me. I told the darkness in my bedroom that He is Faithful and Good. I whispered it to my quiet room and tried to believe it. My chest started to feel a bit lighter and the atmosphere began to shift. I prayed some more and finally fell back asleep.

So, to the inky stuff inside my heart:

God is Faithful. God is Good.

The weather could change again tomorrow, but those things never will.


anna joy said...

okay great so i'm not the only one who feels like this. you are such an encouragement even in your confused times. i pray that God will satiate you with his love at the same time as giving you a hunger for more.

Ashley Forrette said...

Emery Jo,

I love how honest you are. It is so refreshing. I think your idea about volunteering is amazing. I would love to get involved in something like that. You should pursue it and make it happen!


PS. That is some CRAZY weather you have going on!

sufferingsummer said...

I can totally sympathize with where you are as right now I am on day 3 without the motivation to even take a shower...but I did get out of the house, even if it was just to the park it felt like a small victory.
I will say though that you don't have to limit God to making you one of those who contributes to the world by pursuing adventure. There are a great many amazing people who left their mark without leading lives of much adventure at all. The only two that come to mind off the top of my head are Emily Dickinson and Soren Kierkegaard...both recluses but amazing contributors to the wealth of humanity.
Volunteering and giving of yourself to others is essential no doubt but diving into who God really is by reading His word, giving of yourself to those just right there in your own house and to all of us internetters...well that holds high value. So don't get too down on yourself just yet, there are steps to be taken that don't even need to lead you out your front door.

Scott and Lorie said...

I can so relate to you (and to Summer) about lack of motivation. Lack of luster. Knowing what I need, but not finding the will to do it.
We need to be prayer warriors not only for our selves, knowing ultimately that the atmosphere in our households is in direct response to our moods, but also for our families and friends. To know how to encourage and uplift us when we'd rather stay in our pj's instead of showering away our foul disposition and living out loud.

Live out loud Emery.
I know you have it in you.
You who followed God's calling and moved to far away cities, twice! You can do it.

.....did any of that make sense?...

Anonymous said...

I must admit ... I love reading your blog! I knew you once, briefly.
Some ideas that you write about in here are simply amazing ... and I've shown those I work with your ideas and we use them to build a better community in our lives.
You are an inspriation to me; and have helped motivate me many times when I thought I could not move forward.

Talia said...

I love what summer said, she is so right. We don't always have to be doing great things in order for the Lord to be using us. He is using you for GREAT things right now-- even though it might not feel like it (and boy do I know the feeling). But, if you have the desire and ability to do even more, then that is wonderful-- go and do it. You're half-way there already-- you have the desire. God will show you a way and give you a means.
this is just an idea, and you can take it or leave it since I don't know what it is you desire or need, or what God has for you. One thing that I used to do (before kids) and loved was volunteering at a pregnancy center. There are SO many opportunities to witness and help in healing there, even though it is heartbreaking at times. With your story and your ability to connect with people as well as your amazing gift of words, you could be a wonderful part of an abstinence ministry or something else like that. Just a thought. :) I know you will find something perfect for you, whatever it may be.

Anonymous said...

I never leave a comment on your blog because my computer shuts down (as it just did a second ago) every time I try but here i go again. I wish i could cut and past last post onto my blog (if i had a blog that is) because it was so dead on to what i'm going through right now. God uses you in so many ways through this blog that you don't know and will maybe never know. I love your blog and look forward to every new post you do. there is so much wisdom, truth, and sincerity in your writings it's like a breath of fresh air!!!!

Amy said...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

Emery, you are not alone in how you are feeling. And, no, God does not think you, or what you are going through is stupid. He is clearly working in you now, and using you for His glory. Look at what He is doing through your blog! I'm a planner, and I like to know how things are going to turn out. It's so hard for me to let go, and to let God take over. But it's when I've stepped aside that I've been able to look back and so clearly see where God's hand was all along the way. And then I can acknowledge that maybe I'm not so good at planning things out as I thought. (That's not to say, though, that I'm not going to keep my fingers crossed that His plan for me does not include camping. I'm almost certain that I was not designed to be outdoors-y. But I guess you never know.)

ThePneumaProject said...

Em, I love your honest just about as much as your weather in OKC freaks me out. God is doing a new thing across His creation and I honestly think your feelings of longing and dis-ease are connected to it. For too long have we all sat as "couch potato" Christians consuming what was put (or preached) in front of us. It is time now that we all diligently seek out what God is at work doing in the world (outside of our comfort zones), trust the Spirit to empower and protect us, and set out in faith connecting with God's heart and movement to bring His Kingdom to His creation. I just had this discussing this morning with someone in reference to an Oswald Chambers devotion, in a nutshell, he says the role of the Church is not sanctification (teaching how to live a holy life) or even salvation (leading people to conversion), but simply magnifying God and His work and joining with Him in what He is doing. How different would our world look if all of us followers of Jesus bought into that?
I know you know this, and I don't want to get all preachy, but if we begin to live truly missionally and with our hearts and eyes wide open then even a trip to the Supermarket (like your crazy Wal-marts there) becomes ripe with adventure and the chance to see and connect with what God is doing there (in that sterile container of consumerism :))
Anyways, thanks again for your honesty, and you heart that is so attentive to what God is drawing you into. Would you mind if I reposted your entry on my blog? I think it really connects with me, our community, and some of the ideas I've been writing about. Please let me know if thats OK, cuz I really want to share it :)

Lizy said...

I really love reading your blog and love you for being so honest.. Reading this post really made me sad..

I think you should get a job or volunteer or something.. Get out of that house, do something! Sitting at home is the main reason of this all! You're a beautiful woman, with an even more beautiful family! Don't do this to yourself.. Drag yourself out of that frontdoor and make something really nice out of your life! I know you can do it!

Your fan ;-) from the other side of the ocean!

Jennifer said...

Have you ever talked to your doctor about any of this? You might have a mild form of depression. I know that no one wants to hear that and no one wants the stigma of taking antidepressants, but it's just a thought. I had to take them for a few months. I didn't need them any longer than that. It was like my brain needed a "reset" button. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Candace said...

Hello there my lovely sister. I honestly think our hearts and minds are intertwined. The same night you were having these feelings, I was for some crazy reason having feelings of regret. I was so confused as to why I was feeling this way. It must be God's heart.

So I was thinking about how excited we both were after talking about reaching out and not waiting for others to move, but just moving on our own cause God is calling us to do that! And I have lost that excitement too. Then I had a thought come rushing into my mind. It is so easy to reach out, step out of our comfort zones when we have that outgoing FEELING, but God calls us to do this even when we don't have that FEELING! Just like following Christ, it is not about a feeling it is about trust, devotion, love, and faith. We can't base everything off of feeling! Anyways I thought I would share that cause I feel like it was an answer from God! I love you bunches!

Flo Oakes said...

I have to second the comment right before. I am sooo thankful that God's faithfulness doesn't rest on my own...or even on my faith. No matter what I feel, or say. Even when I act like an angry teenager trying to be outrageous as possible when shouting "I hate you!" to their mother...only Grace is all that is given, and grace is the thing that saves me every day.

Katy said...

Emery, I completely feel your pain. I am so confused about God right now. I am struggling so much with being HAPPY right now... in this chapter of my life. I don't know what it's going to take to make me happy. I just keep thinking about the future.. I'm ready to move on.. to be done with school.... to get married... God has blessed me with this man and now He is sending him away to seminary in a completely different state... and He has put me here.. at a small school with no one that I can completely and truly relate to and confide in like him.

Sometimes it is so hard to understand what God wants from us or to figure out His will for us in this moment. Or even just HOW we're supposed to get through the day and rejoice and be HAPPY!

I keep telling myself it is just the winter blues... but I'm not sure that's what it is at all.

Just rest in God and do whatever it takes to MAKE yourself grow closer to Him in this time. I need to do the same...

R-becca said...

All those comments were exhausting, but most of them have validity to them. To be honest, I am really sick of the "make every moment count for God's kingdom" and "step out of your comfort zone" talk. It doesn't work and just makes people feel ever more guilty - when I think that's the last thing God wants.

I've seen people change and become people they are proud of by finding ways in which to work with their talents. I know you love music, reading, writing, and drawing and I propose you write a book. And leave the house when you are writing. I also propose taking a class or something with a friend. (and consider moving to Denver)

I do not think God is asking you to do something wild, otherwise you would know it. He wants you to love your family and your community. He is asking you to be gentle with yourself, to come deeper into an understanding of how his spirit works within you - and you'll be ready when God says, "Ok Emery, its time for you do THIS."

Don't ever beat yourself up!

Cheatwoods said...

Its a sad truth, but a lot of times stay at home moms feel this way. I dont know why it is, we are doing such amazing things.............yet it is unfullfilling. I kow for me I tried to find meaning in my purpose, instead of my purpose being from God who I need to find my meaning from! Ya know what I mean? ANyways, Hang in there and I know this is were God wants your heart, its somethin ghe can work with, once you think you cant do it without then your in trouble!!

becks said...

the night before last Caleb and I watched the 300. have you seen that movie? wow! Caleb was looking at it from a spiritual warfare perspetive and saying "man if we could be that passionate and dedicated spiritually - could you even imagine what would happen?" I thought it was a great comparison and you Emery, have no idea how amazing it is to read the things you write about on here. You are such and inspiration to so many. YOU NEED TO WRITE A BOOK! Maybe thats not the answer, but I know just from how I have felt latley and talking to others, that its not just you in this funk. I will definently pray that you get refreshed and inspired so that you will be a spiritual spartan:)

secret agent mama said...

The comments you got are just mind-blowing, so I will just offer you love, prayers, sympathy, and blog friendship!