February 29, 2008

Chemical Pregnancy.

hot cocoa therapy.



They call it a "chemical pregnancy", which to me is just ridiculous on some deep down level because those two words just don't seem like they ever would belong in a sentence together. One is so impersonal, and the other is the most "personal" thing I think this world has to offer. They need a new name. Oxymorons don't suit the medical field.

The doc said it could have been a result of the fever that I tossed and turned with for a day or two back when the stomach flu came and steamrolled me a couple of weeks ago. I, however, am convinced that this is what did it.

The week before I had the flu, I just knew I was pregnant. I had allllll the symptoms. And when I looked directly at my own pupils in the mirror, they told me so. I felt... excited. And somewhat unsettled. Am I ready to put on the 'Mother of Two Kids' hat? Why does this hat feel like it will be so much heavier and self-consuming than the 'Mother of One Kid' hat that is currently perched comfortably on my head? Why does it feel like comparing a fancy, stylish little pillbox hat to a gargantuan floppy sombrero? Will I disappear underneath it completely?

Despite these questions, I begin to feel more and more excited with each passing day. Baby names are whizzing through my brain. I'm mentally rearranging the house to make room for a crib. I'm daydreaming about the smells, sounds, joys of a new baby. I go there in my head. Which is 100% perfectly okay and right and good. I do not regret it with any iota of my being.

Then, I get the flu. I'm feverish and sleep a lot that whole day. When I wake up the next morning, something has changed. I no longer feel pregnant.

A few days go by. Still- no symptoms. But, I am late. My hope is still holding on. I take a test. Negative. I take THREE tests over the next couple of days. Negative. Negative. Negative. Now I am... more late. This never happens to me. I am confused.

A couple of days go by, and finally I start to bleed. But it's unlike any cycle I've ever had. Heavier and getting progressively more so with each passing day. Clotting. Nine whole days later, it still hasn't stopped. I am ready for this to be over, but it just won't stop.

So, that's where I am at. I have an appointment on Wednesday of this week to get everything checked out. I am told this will pass soon, that I don't have anything to worry about. Unless the bleeding gets heavier- then I'm to get myself to a doctor ASAP. I may become anemic.

I know this happens alot, that it is completely normal and says nothing about my ability to become and remain pregnant in the future, but I still feel... sad.

I feel silly for feeling sad. It was SO early. This is SO common. I did not ever expect I would feel sad over something like this. I was shocked to discover the distinct bitterness of loss in my heart. I mean, isn't it silly to feel loss? A bit... drama? It was just a tiny clump of cells.

I am mourning the immense possibility that was wrapped up inside those cells.

Also, (what's this?) I am feeling a little bit guilty. Like, if I'd taken more precautions against getting sick, or taken better care of myself, I might be writing a much different post right now. I know this is ridiculous. Yet still... I find these things hiding out in my heart.

So, instead of repressing these feelings, or hiding them from the people I love just because "oh, this happens to a lot of people- no one wants to hear it", I'm trying to ride them out. I'm trying to allow myself to feel them because I know they are valid and important enough to honor with honesty and openness.

So... hello out there. I am sad. I lost something that I loved this week, but I have hopeful eyes set on the horizon. And I've learned something important through all of this as well:

Sometimes it takes a little bit of loss to open your eyes and show you what you have been desperately longing for unaware.

49 comments:

Katy said...

whoa.... this post was an emotional rollercoaster for me!! I can't imagine how it has been for you!!! LOL! I can totally imagine why you are sad. Getting your hopes up only to be let down so deeply. You are in my prayers on the other side of the U.S. my blogger friend. Just remember that God has a bigger plan than we can imagine and that everything in His plan is meant to happen for a reason! Rejoice in that.

Prayers...
Katy

sufferingsummer said...

I think you are handling this exactly as you should. Allowing yourself to grieve the possibilities is incredibly healthy. You don't dwell you just ride it out in a sense. I had many lost pregnancies before Indy, most were early on. It was never easy no matter how many times I told myself that "it was just a clump of cells". After I had Indy I had one lost pregnancy prior to my current state and I will say that one loss felt compounded because as I sat there parenting this amazing little person I could physically see the loss playing in front of me. So yes, it's true, it's common and it has no bearing on your reproductive possibilities and playing the blame game will get you absolutely nowhere but it is also true that something that was there isn't anymore and you have every right to be sad about that. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Be gentle with yourself.

Amy said...

You should never feel guilty over something for which you have no control. And you should certainly not feel guilty about your feelings--they're not silly, or petty or dramatic or any of those things. Those are the feelings of a mother--beautiful, powerful, transcendent. And I am so, so sorry for your loss. Truly.

Marianne Elixir said...

Oh, this is sad news. Summer's wisdom in this is great. You have my thoughts and prayers, too.

Candace said...

Sister! I love you....my prayers are with you!

MacD Kids said...

Emery, I know we've never met but I frequent your blog and post every once in awhile. I grieved deeply when I lost one of my babies from a twin pregnancy. People told me it was normal, early on, and thought I should 'be happy I still had the one'. There are no words to describe the emotion and hurt; I remember the words crying out in my head over and over, "I just want my baby back". I am so so sorry for your loss. Be patient with yourself, it doesn't matter how briefly you loved what you've lost, the love and consequently the loss, is real. The grief comes in waves so don't be hard on yourself. Hope it brings some comfort to know that some random girl in California is grieving with you and lifting you up in prayer.

Misguided Mommy said...

I love you, thank you for sharing! Your amazing, and hopefully opening up like this will help with some of the grief!

Beth said...

I read your blog all the time and I've never felt this connected to you Emery! This week I went to the hospital because I thought I was having a miscarriage...it turned out to just be a weird period -- but I felt that fear and that loss. I won't say I know what you are feeling, but I think I'm close to where you are. Cuddle with Ezra a little more than normal, write, love Chris, and feel better! There's a whole world of blog readers who are cheering for you.

Awake said...

Perfectly normal to "go there" - both when enjoying the possibilities of a future little one and when dealing with the loss of that possibility (for now). There will be a future, we know that, of course. But going there - to those thoughts in your head is so important. After my miscarriage, I was unable to, locked it away, and am just now embracing those thoughts and feelings fully.

Emery Jo, you're a wonderful woman. God bless.

piper of love said...

'for by and by the mist shall lift, and plain it all he'll make. through all the way, though dark to me, he made not one mistake.'

find and keep your peace. you are nothing but inspirational to the world. believe it or not.

Flo Oakes said...

Oh I'm so sorry Em..
This sucks, and it's unfair and stupid that it happened to you.
I know that's not what I'm "supposed" to say, but after my miscarriage, everyone wanted to remind me about God's plan, that time heals, that it would get better, etc....
All I wanted to hear was what I just told you. Already having 2 kids made me feel silly for being so upset too...it hit me harder than I could have imagined, and you are completely justified in feeling that way.

I wish it didn't happen to you.
Praying, loving, thinking of you all the way from the south.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD said...

Oh, Emery. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Allowing yourself to feel is SO important though.

"Sometimes it takes a little bit of loss to open your eyes and show you what you have been desperately longing for unaware."

That was so beautiful. So right on. And there's your blessing in disguise.

And that photo of you and Ezra? Oh, man. Just perfection.

Talia said...

oh, I'm so sorry! My heart goes out to you, and you'll be in my prayers.
Two of my VERY dear friends recently suffered miscarriages-- one at 6 weeks, and one all the way at 20 weeks. One of the many things I learned from their experiences is that it doesn't matter how well or if you knew that little baby, or for how long-- it was still YOUR baby, and it hurts incredibly to lose it.
But praise God that He is giving you everything you need in this, even if it is just to feel your grief-- as well as the "silver lining" of discovering what you truly desire. I pray your heart will be granted its desires.
A big hug for you!

P.S. That picture is AMAZING.

Jeninacide said...

I'm so sorry Emery! I don't blame you at all for being sad. I would too. Hugs from me and Cole!

Hunny Bee May said...

I'm so sorry for you Emery. I have never experienced this so I can't say that lame old "I know how you feel". I don't. But I am so sorry for the loss you have experienced. It seems you have your eyes fixed to the right spot right now, and there are questions and doubts only He can answer. I admire your willingness to always be transparent, even with complete strangers.
Btw, I also feel the need to pop on that mom-of-more-than-one-kid hat too, and I don't know why either. I feel like I'm not really fully initiated into that mom club with only one child. What gives?
Anyhow, I really hope that the Lord ministers peace and comfort to you right now and just know that your stranger-friends are sending lots of thoughts and blessings your way. Thanks for sharing with us.

Davi said...

I don't think it's silly at all for you to feel blue. And when you wrote "I am sad", I thought to myself, now that is not something I hear people say very often--people are too busy trying to convince everyone that they are doing just fine, when really the opposite is true.

Praying for you:(

Andrea June said...

Emery, you are SO justified in feeling loss and sadness. It's not drama at all. It's good that you're able to mourn the loss of that "little clump of cells," because they weren't just cells to you.
You're doing a great job, sharing and being honest about how you feel. I'll definitely be praying for you!

Maggie said...

i think it's really healthy that you can admit how you're feeling. of course you're sad. it doesn't matter how many people go through something like this, it's still a BIG deal. especially when it happens to you. i'm so sorry you're hurting. we've got you in our thoughts!

Cheatwoods said...

bless u, those clump of cells are loved deeply by me and are with Jesus!and you are wonderful.

Amy said...

I've been there. I'm sorry for your loss. I'll keep you in my prayers.

dawn224 said...

"I am mourning the immense possibility that was wrapped up inside those cells."

And now you know. Now you know that you'll be okay wearing that Mom of Two Kids hat when it's time.

hang in there.

MsN said...

Hey neighbor,

Know that you are an amazing mommy and that God is literally "chomping at the bit" (silly oklahoma term) to give you another little one to care for! You are an amazingly caring, loving,and generous person. We are here for you!

Momo Fali said...

Oh Em, I'm so sorry. I have to tell you that I was the type of person who, when told someone had miscarried, I just kind of shrugged it off with an, "Aw. That's too bad". But, in the Fall, my BFF miscarried and I FELT that loss. It was real. It was nothing to be shrugged off. Until it happened to someone close to me, I just didn't know. I feel your loss too. I know you have faith and it's moments like these that you need to trust in Him, and I hope that can bring you peace. It sounds like you're right on track.

Pneumaproject said...

I'm sorry.

Praying for you Em...
and for the joy that "you have been desperately longing for unaware."

Huckdoll said...

Yes, let the feelings come, then let them go. As an above commenter stated, the emotions are very important.

I had a similar experience before the twins were conceived where I just knew it in my heart. I lost a 'clump of cells' and I knew.

The amazing part is that because of that, my gorgeous little twin girls, Callie and Lily were conceived and I simply cannot imagine my life without them. I am a firm believer of 'everything happens for a reason' and 'meant to be'.

Something amazing will happen for you and your family very soon.

zoeyjane said...

i've been there, too many times. all i'm going to say is what you're feeling is totally right and natural and what you'll feel later will also be the right thing. and you know, hugs.

mackmomma24 said...

I think you are so courageous for sharing such personal feelings. You have the right to express whatever your heart feels. I'm sorry for such a traumatic loss and my prayers are with you! God has a/THE plan!!!!

Scott and Lorie said...

everything seems to be said already, so just know that there is one more person over here in california that is sad for you and praying for you. and tell chris he's prayed for too. it's not often talked about how it affects the husband, and i'm sure in his own way, he too is grieving.

curdiemer said...

In September I had something very similar happen. I was pregnant even though I hadn't taken a test. It was obvious in my opinion, so I wasn't in a hurry to get to the store. Then I happened to watch the scariest movie I had ever seen in my life.

I couldn't sleep at all that night and was so stressed that I broke out in hives.

A few days later I had that horrible, chunky bleeding you described. I then read that cortisol (the stress hormone) can kill a baby, especially boy babies. I don't know if it is true, but it kind of makes sense.

Soooo....I could beat myself up for being so stupid, or I could say, "God I'm sorry for making a bad decision and I hope that it wasn't the reason I lost that baby. Thank you for forgiving me so I don't have to wallow in guilt."

Please don't feel guilty for getting the flu. God doesn't want you to be afraid of going outside and interacting with people.

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I'm praying for you.

Cristina Mathers said...

thank you for being so brave and sharing. it is an immense losses that you feel when you love something so much. i've been there and you are so much better at putting those feelings into words than i ever could. in better news, i had several "chemical pregnancies" that mysteriously ended, only one ovary and have 2 happy healthy kiddos. they say it makes your body stronger. if only it could do the same for the heart. hang in there. our prayers are with you.

Megan said...

{{hugs}}

Secret Agent Mama said...

(((More Hugs)))

Anonymous said...

I have had two miscarriages and just this week I suffered a "chemical pregnancy." I wish people could understand the feelings that go along with it. You do start making plans the minute you find out... Thank you so much for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Emery, your courage to grieve is my inspiration. I am experiencing a chemical pregnancy as we speak and have been feeling the same guilt and pain that you have been. Thank you for giving us the courage to grieve as mothers and to mourn the loss of our little children. God Bless you and your family and may He heal all wounds both physical and emotional. Please keep me in your prayers too.(Hugs and prayers)

Anonymous said...

Stumbled on your blog as I am greiving myself for the same reason...thanks for the reassurance that I'm not just a hormonal wreck for being so sad over my loss today.

DD said...

Someone is stealing your words:

"So...hello out there. I am sad. I lost something that I loved this week, ...Sometimes it takes a little bit of loss to open your eyes and show you what you have been desperately longing for..."

She was caught stealing Tertia's work as well: http://stuartandsarahcreamer.blogspot.com/2009/07/feeling-blah.html

Kami said...

Thank you for writing this. I'm sitting at my computer crying and Googling at almost 1:00 a.m. a week and two days after my chemical pregnancy. My husband and I have tried twice this year with IVF. I got a faint positive only to wake up a day later with all the symptoms just gone. No one seems to think it's a big deal. The sadness is deep and I'm left feeling guilty for being so sad. I felt so alone until just now (which is only making me cry more - lol).

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for writing down your thoughts, feelings, fears, and sadness, and sharing them with us. Reading it has helped me today and I no longer feel so alone (and silly I guess). I am currently going through what they call a 'chemical pregnancy'. Much like you, I feel these words do not AT ALL describe what is happening to me right now. Medical term or not, I am mourning the loss of my baby. This was my first pregnancy, and in only a small space of time I got so attached to my little ball of cells and the way they made me feel, that the shock of it leaving me is nearly unbarely. Its like someone has stabbed me right in the heart and im shocked that I feel this way. I feel so empty right now and every trip to the bathroom is a heart-wrenching ordeal. My heart goes out to all you ladies who have had or are going through a miscarriage, no matter how early or late. I truly believe we will carry our little angels with us forever.

When life gives you a hundred reason to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile xxx

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, I had never seen your blog before just now. In fact, this is the only post I've read so far. I just Googled "how to mourn a chemical pregnancy" and this is what popped up. I just experienced one this week. It was my first month trying and I was charting so I knew 100% I was pregnant because of my temperatures and other signs. 2 days before I was due to test I got my period, the same as how yours was, but only for me it was early, a week early- which has never once happened in my life and was much more different and painful than any I've ever had. I went to the ER because of all the bleeding and they wouldn't diagnose it as a chemical pregnancy because it was too early to show up on a pregnancy test. I think that was the worst part. Not having validation that for just a moment there, I was pregnant. For a moment I had the possibility of being a mother. I keep telling myself "it was just a bunch of cells" too, and in reality I know it's not as upsetting as a later miscarriage would be. But I feel sad and *want* to feel sad but I feel like it's not allowed. Especially since the doctor's didn't say it was a pregnancy.

So, basically, thank you being brave enough to say what you said and letting yourself feel allowed to feel what you do. And I'm sorry. What happened sucks.

Anonymous said...

I too "googled" and found this post. Thank you for your candor. I have been struggling with how I can feel so sad over a "clump of cells," and I know the statistics are in my favor that all will be well in my next pregnancy, but still.... There is a potential future lost. It is sad, but I am trying to allow myself to grieve and still feel hope for another future with a healthy baby. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Just posted, but had to add that it brought me such joy to peruse your blog and see that you have a "new" beautiful baby boy:) Congratulations!

Anonymous said...

thank you for this blog and your honest feelings. It has been a God send to me today. I am suffering what they call a "chemical" pregnancy today. I have already fallen in love with the life I thought was growing inside of me. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one who feels this has been a TRUE loss. Maybe, I didn't technically loose a baby...but to me it feels as if if did.

Nykee L. said...

It happened to me, too. 2 positive tests- we were ecstatic. Told our friends and family. I should be 5 weeks pregnant today, but instead I spent yesterday in a hospital bleeding and crying. The cold doctor simply came in and said "The test is negative. You're not pregnant. The nurse will bring you discharge papers."
I'm sad, I'm mad... I feel empty, hurt, let down, and doubtful.
I have two beautiful daughters and I am expected to jump right back into my daily routine like this baby never existed. People don't even acknowledge that there's a loss here, but I'm with you. I'm sad.

Thank you for sharing.

Anonymous said...

This is a few years after you posted this, but I just want to thank you for telling us that you were sad. It just happened to me, and I am relieved to know I'm not the only one being "silly" for mourning the possibility of that tiny clump of cells.
Still have hope, though, I have one child, and I can think of a couple of things I did, job-related, that could have caused it.
Take care!

Anonymous said...

My husband and I were not trying (since at the moment we have our hands full with our 1 year old) but like you said, all of a sudden, I felt pregnant. My boobs had grown and felt exactly the way they did when I was pregnant with my first child. I thought I would just go take a hpt to reassure myself that I wasn't pregnant. Ha! It came back positive-our freakouts began...how do we have 2 kids? they can't be this close in age...2 car seats, no more guest room...the list goes on. But after an hour or so, I started thinking of all the wonderful things it would mean. The next morning I started my period, heavy, awful period.

Everything you said about your emotions were DEAD ON for what I am feeling and I am so thankful that I found this page. Thank you!

And congrats on your impending (or already happened) 3rd child! :)

Anonymous said...

I just googled "dealing with grief from chemical pregnancy" and came across your post. You put into words exactly what I've been feeling for the past week. My husband and I hadn't been trying for a baby, having decided to wait a year or so until his job is more secure, but when, Wednesday of last week, I started realizing I felt...somehow fundamentally different than usual, I decided to take a test. It was positive. Then so were two more. I was almost nervous to tell my husband, but when I did, this huge grin broke out over his face almost before the words were out of my mouth. Like you said, I couldn't help but immediately start mentally rearranging my life to fit this new person growing inside me.

Then, two days later, I had a negative test, and the dy after that, three days after my period should have arrived had I not gotten pregnant, I started bleeding heavily, with the worst cramping I've ever experienced. And I can't seem to shake the sadness, which seems so silly. It wasn't a baby yet. But, like you said, it was a possibility.

Thank you for expressing this so beautifully.

Anonymous said...

I also found your post by googling "grieving chemical pregnancy." I am going through it right now, and it's harder than I would have ever imagined. This was my first pregnancy, and my husband and I also started planning our new future and mentally rearranging our house as soon as we found out. I have also been feeling "silly" or "dramatic" for grieving so deeply for my little ball of cells that I only knew for a few days. I felt terrible when well-meaning people tried to remind me that this happens and that I should wait 3 months before getting excited about the pregnancy. It made me feel even worse, like I should not have gotten excited in the first place, or that I should not be sad now because this is common and "not a real baby". My husband was super supportive and told me that he will be excited every time, no matter if it's one day or four months, he doesn't care what other people say. It helped a lot. And now it is helping a lot to see that we are not alone in feeling and grieving the way we do. Thank you for sharing, and my heart goes out to each and every one here who suffered this loss.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing. I'm going through something similar. I was over a week late and had 4 faint positive tests and was sick with a viral infection the last few days, and then today I got a negative test and have started bleeding. I was waiting to tell my husband before I knew anything for sure, but I guess now there is nothing to tell. I didn't expect to feel this sad and disappointed..we weren't even trying to conceive.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing this. I have just gone through this too, 5 days of amazing positives, then as quickly as it happened, gone. I feel silly for being so upset, and i feel i have no right to, as women who miscarry much later would feel a tonne worse! My husband and I were on top of the world planning everything, now it's back to square one. Now at least i know how much we want this. Praying this doesn't happen again. Goodluck to you