Yesterday evening, at about five o'clock, I started to feel a bit suffocated and smothered. After a hard and long day with Ezra, I was feeling completely spent. As soon as Chris walked in the door last night, I got this super intense desire to be alone. To disappear for awhile and let myself breathe.
I realized last night that I have not been by myself ONCE since I left Oklahoma 42 DAYS AGO. I've had great opportunities to get away from Ezra since I've been here, but I haven't used any of them to have some alone time. For someone like me, this is a recipe for disaster. Time by myself is completely necessary for my sanity, and I had not been taking care of myself in that way. So, last night, I realized I had let it go too long and the result was me feeling like I wanted to lock myself in a dark room and cry.
Instead, my husband convinced me to go out. To wander and take my time and do things that would make me feel like myself again.
So, I did the most reasonable thing for a girl like me.
I went and bought myself a new coat.
I then promptly informed Chris that he'd just bought me my Christmas present.
I've been butt cold since I've been here and didn't have a warm enough coat, and I just couldn't wait the two more weeks for Christmas. So I bought a coat. I wandered in a couple of stores and drove around in my car- totally alone. And it felt so dang good. I blasted the mix CD we made for the trip out here while I drove the streets of Reno- singing along to Iron & Wine like my life depended on it.
"Boy With A Coin" by Iron & Wine is my favorite song right now. And I also really love "The Trapeze Swinger" by them as well.
I owe Jen Manuele for that discovery. A.MAZING.
Here's the rest of the list from our mix CD, all compiled from your suggestions:
You guys have some seriously INSANE great tastes in music. Our favorites were the Sufjan Stevens stuff we found and the Iron & Wine, as well as Band of Horses. We downloaded whole albums from these guys once we arrived in Reno.
Emery's personal favorite: Patty Griffin (thanks for reminding me of her, Amy!)
Chris' personal favorite: Massive Attack (thanks, Summer!)
Anywho- thank you again for all your help. We are rich with good music now, and we owe it all to you guys!
Back to last night: It was just what I needed. I came home refreshed and ready to tackle the day-to-day again. It is so easy to forget about yourself when you become a mom. I was beginning to feel like my sole purpose in this life was to retrieve juice-juice and ask if Ezra needed to use the potty every five minutes.
I've been attempting to write posts on this blog for days but I could come up with nothing to say. I've been completely uninspired. I tried so hard to write yesterday and just couldn't muster anything up. This is abnormal for me, and it was then that it dawned on me-
the well was dry.
When I stop filling myself up, I eventually run out of water to give to others. I owe it to myself and my family to stay filled up. To allow God to overflow me, even.
If I let Him do that, there will be life and green all around me... a well-watered garden that has no need to fear when the heat comes.