Continuing on from this post....
I need something to pour myself into. Something that isn't a quickly growing toddler. Ezra is almost at the age where he can start going to school... start joining activities... start having a life of his own.
I need something of my own, too. Staying at home just isn't cutting it for me anymore. I sit around all day and do mostly a whole lot of nothing. And this is slowly draining the life out of me.
Here's the frustrating thing that you hear every mom talk about at some point or another: If I were to go get a job, it can pretty much be guaranteed that I won't be bringing in any extra income, because the cost of childcare would offset whatever I was making. (Unless I had a degree in something and could get a well paying, full-time job, of course.) Chris and I could definitely use some extra income, but I'm only looking to work part time. I don't have a college degree, and have NO CLUE what I would even want to do if I were given the chance to go back to school, so I have been at somewhat of a loss.
I have been talking about all of this a lot with my parents and my husband. They are all for me and want what is best for me, and have been a great help to me- simply by listening to my frustrations and fears and feelings of being easily overwhelmed. They've had great suggestions, and helped me see that I am not the same person I used to be... that I need to do something for myself before I forget who I once was completely.
In high school and college, I seemed to have it all together. I was in leadership and could plan big things without getting too overwhelmed. Ever since I have been out of school, however, I have had trouble even organizing a trip to the doctor's office or play dates for Ezra. I get completely overwhelmed at the thought of even picking up a telephone, so instead, I do nothing. This is paralyzing and I haven't been able to will myself to change. This drives me insane EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I'm starting to realize that this is because, in school, everything was mapped out for me. I had a choice of classes A, B, or C, and I had to be here or here at a certain time everyday. My life was organized for me, and I excelled at it. Ever since I've been out of school, however, I have been a complete disorganized mess...
I never learned how to schedule my own life, and I am suffering greatly for it now.
Back to present: The mere thought of having to arrange childcare that will be flexible and coordinate perfectly with a job that I manage to find is completely crippling for someone like me. I start to cry just thinking about it. Its almost like an anxiety attack or something. I don't know. I feel so stupid for not being able to manage my own life. Thankfully, I have good support to keep me from completely caving in on myself.
So, after much talking and debating and thinking things over, my husband and my parents have helped me come to this idea:
My husband owns his own painting company. He's been wanting some part-time help... just an extra pair of hands when he really needs them.
Here's what I figure: This is obviously EXTREMELY flexible. I can go in and help Chris whenever I feel like it. My helping makes his jobs go quicker, so he can schedule more jobs in a month and make a little bit more income for the family. He can pay me hourly, and I can just plan on helping him whenever Ezra is in school. I will probably start him in a preschool 2 days a week. I can wok as little or as much as I'd like, and it helps me feel like a productive human being again. I figure if this works smoothly, I can see how I feel and maybe get an evening job a couple of nights a week too- like working at a coffee shop or a store I like, just so I can get some more social interaction and Chris can stay home with Ezra those evenings.
It's just an idea. We are going to try it out when we get back home.
So far, I am really liking it. I've helped Chris out a bit here in Reno, and we work
well together. I enjoy doing the detail stuff that drives Chris crazy. (Touch-ups, small brush work, etc.) I am so blessed to even have to opportunity to do something like this, and I feel like I can breathe a little bit easier again.
Plus, how cute is a husband and wife painting company? It's DANG CUTE, that's what it is. Heh.
I think we may be on to something here?
In completely unrelated news... be expecting a super awesome GUEST POST here soon from my adorable husband. Wee!