The last few days have been incredibly difficult and profound for me. They have felt like the very beginning of a long and challenging season in my life... a season that I can either choose to embrace now and struggle through, or avoid and be haunted by until I do.
I have (completely unexpectedly) come to the very end of myself and been forced to address some burning questions and issues that I have been avoiding for far too long. I have been forced to acknowledge that staying at home with Ezra full-time just isn't healthy for me anymore. I've been burdened with the question of "Who am I?" like never before. I have had to reach out for help and get some time away. To admit that I'm struggling and not alright. I've had to cry a whole lot of tears and acknowledge the fact that I am not the vibrant me that I used to be... that my heart and my mind are languishing.
It's gotten to the point where I don't enjoy staying at home anymore. I am beginning to resent my role, and every day is just a whole lot of me trying to keep my head above water until 5:00 when someone gets home and I can breathe again. None of this has to do with Ezra. He is an angel and absolutely wonderful to be around. But I am feeling like every part of me is starting to atrophy... like I am literally wasting away. I have no energy, no patience, no goals, no dreams, no desire to be outside or around other people. My body aches constantly, I don't eat well, and I can hear myself becoming more and more negative. I never have any motivation to get anything done and I am easily overwhelmed by the smallest of tasks.
Something HAS to change.
What will I do? How will I do it?
I have no idea.
It is late and I need more time to process some of this stuff. I will write more about this and the revelations I've had when I get the chance.
For now, just getting all of this out is helpful. I will sleep better tonight knowing that the oh so tiring avoidance of hard truths can finally come to an end... that embracing the difficult seasons is the only way to end up with anything worthwhile in your arms.