December 24, 2007

Dear Void:

The last few days have been incredibly difficult and profound for me. They have felt like the very beginning of a long and challenging season in my life... a season that I can either choose to embrace now and struggle through, or avoid and be haunted by until I do.

I have (completely unexpectedly) come to the very end of myself and been forced to address some burning questions and issues that I have been avoiding for far too long. I have been forced to acknowledge that staying at home with Ezra full-time just isn't healthy for me anymore. I've been burdened with the question of "Who am I?" like never before. I have had to reach out for help and get some time away. To admit that I'm struggling and not alright. I've had to cry a whole lot of tears and acknowledge the fact that I am not the vibrant me that I used to be... that my heart and my mind are languishing.

It's gotten to the point where I don't enjoy staying at home anymore. I am beginning to resent my role, and every day is just a whole lot of me trying to keep my head above water until 5:00 when someone gets home and I can breathe again. None of this has to do with Ezra. He is an angel and absolutely wonderful to be around. But I am feeling like every part of me is starting to atrophy... like I am literally wasting away. I have no energy, no patience, no goals, no dreams, no desire to be outside or around other people. My body aches constantly, I don't eat well, and I can hear myself becoming more and more negative. I never have any motivation to get anything done and I am easily overwhelmed by the smallest of tasks.

Something HAS to change.

What will I do? How will I do it?

I have no idea.

It is late and I need more time to process some of this stuff. I will write more about this and the revelations I've had when I get the chance.

For now, just getting all of this out is helpful. I will sleep better tonight knowing that the oh so tiring avoidance of hard truths can finally come to an end... that embracing the difficult seasons is the only way to end up with anything worthwhile in your arms.


Megan said...

I love your honesty. I've been reading your blog for some time and look forward to it every day (I'm a friend of Beth Ennis and linked from her). You are a strong woman to admit these things and I admire how you handle tough seasons- even the little bit we all get to read about on here. May you experience God in a new way today in your brokenness.

Liz said...

I find it amazing that you are able to be this honest with the world at large...and with yourself.

I would leave a longer comment but it is Christmas Eve and all.

I pray that God will guide you through this new season in your life. I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas.

Mr Lady said...

Good on ya. It took me 10 years to admit that out loud. You are right, everything you said up there. Good luck, and merry christmas!

Terese said...

Hi Emery Jo, it could be depression, whether seasonal or from lack of day to day contact with grown ups. See a Dr who understands Mums - join a group of people in an evening course, find a playgroup to go to with Ezra. Get a little sunlight at sunrise wach day for 30mins before your busy Mum's day begins. Hang in there.. Merry Christmas

piper of love said...

Emery, I say this with all the love and compassion for your situation, you DO NOT need to feel guilty!! There is NO SHAME in what you are deciding, and feeling. I fully relate to what you are feeling, as I was there for years, and guilted myself out of changing things...there by, sending myself into inner turmoil and horrible depression...and throwing a wrench in my marriage.

Ezra will love the change of pace, whatever that may be. Daycare a few days a week, or full time. My boys LOVE daycare!! It's not a dirty word. And I am so grateful for all the loving, professional teachers that teach them so much that I couldn't.

Take care of you! If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!! You are loved...follow your bliss.

~xo Merry Christmas!

Cam said...

Wow, I feel you. I really do. I know there are no easy answers or solutions. Maybe there isn't one; maybe getting those feelings out there and then expanding on them will be enough. Or maybe getting everything out will help you come to a solution.

Motherhood is difficult and very lonely. I knew the difficult part before I had kids; the lonely part came as a complete surprise to me. I struggle with it every day.

anna joy said...

psalm 18:28-36, psalm 16:8-11, zephania 3:17, jeremiah 29:11-13

don't forget that today our SAVIOR was born, he calls us out of our chains, whatever they may be because he wants us to press into what he has for us. it is uncomfortable and uncertain sometimes, but he does it so that only he can sustain us! in His name all oppression shall cease :) merry christmas!

Britt said...

Ahhhh! Emery! I feel the same. I never thought being a SAHM would feel so... unfulfilling. It is so hard, especially when you're not being patted on the back for all of the hard work you do. It's hard to realize that you're doing something wonderful when you aren't feeling happy or good about yourself. I hope you're able to find something to fill that void. Being able to stay home with children is a great blessing, but you need something special just for you, too.

Best wishes and Merry Christmas!

Ashley Forrette said...

Your honesty amazes me. You are so strong to put this out there and work through it. I know it must be hard finding your path, but you must know all of the people you are helping and inspiring by being so open and true. You should feel really good about that.

Cameron Ingalls said...

get a job at Starbucks. lealah faced the same issue that you are currently and she got a job at starbucks and LOVES life again. she gets out of the house early in the morning... she interacts with people (not just little people) and she feels so much more excited to come home to her kids.

Talia said...

I'll be praying you find a solution that is perfect for you and your little family. Just think, the Lord already knows--how it's going to work out and what you need-- and that is a wonderful thing. :)

MacD Kids said...

It's unbelievable to me how you write my heart. I struggle terribly with these same feelings. Countless times I have tried to articulate just how much I feel like everything that used to make me, ME, is slowly fading to oblivion as I drown under the new roles that I don't even dislike as much as just don't feel wholly 'ME' in. See, that's why I like to read your blog, because I can not even say my own thoughts as well as you can. Anyway, thank you for your honesty, it is a blessing to people you've never even met.
BTW- About a year ago my own desperation and seeking led me to opening a Maternity and baby boutique with a couple girlfriends... although we're still in the process, not even open yet; the adventure and challenge has really helped to add some of that zest/ mystery/ stimulation back into my life. It has been really good for me... though Im convinced my own struggle will just morph as I change my circumstances because for me, I fear it has more to do with a bent toward dissatisfaction, a loathe of change and an inaccurate memory of the past.
Again, anyway...thanks for sharing.