October 1, 2007

A Date Night Spent in Handcuffs.

**Edited to remove 2nd band's name, because I am now painfully aware that I did not need to add it in order to tell this humorous tale. However, the tale stands, because... well, it happened and it's true. Sincere apologies, however, for initially including the 2nd band's band name. I'm lame and totally embarrassed for it. Blech.**

Scandalous title!

note to self: do not make habit of googling "handcuffs".
apparently these things aren't just for law enforcement anymore.

Okay, date night recap:

8:00PM: Chris plays a show with a friend's band called Flyover-States. (GREAT show, GREAT music.) They are opening for another band.

8:45PM: Chris' set is over, so he packs up his drums and sets them on the side of the stage. He says he'd like to stay for one or two of the 2nd band's songs, and then we can go out for our super-rare and fantastic night on the town after that. I tell him that's fine.

8:50PM: 2nd Band starts to play. I am ready to leave for date night.

8:52PM: At this point, there are only a few people in the room to watch the show. Leaving feels a little bit awkward.

8:53PM: 2nd band asks for a volunteer. None of the people in the room move a muscle. Chris runs up on stage and offers to volunteer, thinking it will be something silly and quick.

8:54PM: 2nd Band guy proceeds to HANDCUFF a briefcase to my husband's wrist, thereby declaring him the 'Keeper Of The Donuts'. (?!) Then he tells Chris he can go sit back down. The briefcase is STILL HANDCUFFED TO HIS WRIST. I swallow my tongue.

9:00PM-10:00PM: 2nd band continues to play through their ENTIRE set. I bounce between rage and amusement at our situation. Our date night is quickly waning. Chris needs to go to the bathroom, but does not know how to do this with a briefcase handcuffed to his wrist. He also would like a cup of coffee from the snack-bar. (At least I can help him with that.) We sit. And wait. And wait. We cannot leave.

10:00PM: 2nd Band announces that this will be their final song. It is a rap about donuts. He calls Chris back up to the stage. He opens the briefcase and pulls out some donuts in plastic baggies. He tosses them to the audience.

10:00PM and ONE SECOND: We leave to try and salvage the rest of our date night. We are tired, and the handcuffs have put us in a funky mood. I feel mad but cannot stop laughing. I now feel tired and unexcited about date night. We decide to head down to Bricktown to get a nice drink and relax and talk and enjoy a smokey treat. (HAHAH Shannon & Jen: a 'smokey treat' is what we call our smokes of choice. For Chris, it is usually a tobacco pipe. For me? A clove cigarette. Mmmm Yummy. But BAD for you. Yes, very very BAD. No, smokey treats are not beef jerky, but that might be one of the funniest things I've ever heard in all of my life. Can you imagine us looking forward to a nice drink and some BEEF JERKY? HAHHA. Anywho...) At this point, part of me just wants to curl up in bed.

10:30PM: We pay $5 to park and we walk. We pass packs of young scantily dressed girls who are heading to the clubs- leaving whiffs of 350 different perfumes in their wake. We laugh about the handcuffs. The air is crisp. Things are looking up.

10:50PM: We find a really nice bar that has a rooftop patio and decide to get a drink and sit under the stars.

10:55PM: Chris suddenly stops in his tracks and slaps his pockets. (This is never a good sign.) He's forgotten his ID in his truck back home.

10:56PM: The sky falls down on our heads. We are crushed. No yummy drinks for us.

11:00PM: We stop in at a Pizza joint and eat a couple slices of greasy pizza. We meet the Italian owner, a man who is very friendly and kind. If he isn't in the Mafia, he should be. I think he'd be real good at it.

11:30PM: We walk back to our car. I'm craving a martini. We decide to drive allllll the way back home to get Chris' ID and then try to find a bar somewhere near our house. (Ha.) Chris says he thinks he knows where there is a martini bar near our neighborhood. So, we drive back home.

12:00AM: Got the ID. Head to the 'Martini Bar'. Turns out to be a place with blacked-out windows. We hear music PUMPING inside, and can see the faint neurotic pulsing of a strobe light from underneath the door. There are wiggies hanging around outside. We turn tail and LEAVE.

12:15AM: I am home. In bed. Somewhat relieved that date night has come to an end. The should-be-Mafia man's pizza is not agreeing with my stomach.

12:30AM: I am asleep.


The night didn't go very well, but the very next night, Chris completely and totally redeemed it by coming home from the store with everything needed for our own in-home date night. He got three GREAT romantic comedy movies, lots of buttery popcorn, my favorite candy (Sour Patch Kids), and some Red Vines for him. We watched "The Holiday" and snuggled on the couch. I LOVED this movie more than any human being probably ever has before. I don't know why.

The evening was perfect, if for no other reason than the fact that there were no donuts or handcuffs or briefcases to be found anywhere.

Chris and I are not difficult to please... All we ask is that delicious pastries are not used against us for hostage purposes during our precious hours of childless freedom. Is this TOO MUCH TO ASK?

Apparently so. Hehe.


Daniel said...

I sure as hell hope they don't read this blog. They just took the cake for worst lyrics I've ever heard in a 2 minute period.

Jeninacide said...

OMGOODNESS I would have probably CRIED! Or opened the briefcase and eaten all the doughnuts. I think that is the one situation in which I would NOT want to be handcuffed to Krispy Kremes. So I take back that comment that I posted before about wanting to be handcuffed to them...

Oh and OOOOOOOHHH CLOVES! PIPE! Gotcha!! Right there with ya! There are these cigarettes called Sweet Dreams that you can only get at special tobacco places and they taste like Vanilla and Cherry and they are the BEST EVER!

I thought you guys might have been hitting a houka bar or something.. hee!

Anonymous said...

the internet is a very small place. especially when your blog is listed on your myspace.

chris said...

Awww Date Night. It may have not been the picture perfect fun filled evening. However; it is going down in the books for one of the most memorable. I will say that being handcuffed to the donut filled briefcase was pretty awesome. I think I tolled Emery as we realized what had happened, "this will make a great blog." I only hope "second band" finds the same humor as we do....

sufferingsummer said...

ok I'm trying to have understanding for you not pointing out the name of the second band...I mean you know them and you aren't trying to dis them that much is obvious but really...who does that? handcuffs an audience member for most of the set? come on...for a song or two would be a funny stunt but through the entire freaking set? I almost think you should say their name as warning to any other innocent audience member who may need to leave and might want to have the heads up NOT to be a volunteer...
ok that's my rant...I'm sure this is seen as scandalous and all but really...I'd probably be just as pissed but laughing as you were that my kid-free night was so foiled.
Good for you for having such a sense of humor about it...
oh and I watched the holiday in bed sick a few weeks ago and kept thinking "why am I finding this movie so ridiculously wonderful?"

Anonymous said...

just wanted to add for the record, that i thought the post was hilarious...surely not the way date night was susposed to be spent, but a memorable one...

Rimarama said...

Are you serious??????????


Too bad you didn't know about the donuts in the briefcase ahead of time, or you could have at least had some dinner with your coffee. But I'm glad you got a laugh out of it, despite how much it must have sucked.

P.S. Are you one of those people that has crazy shit happen to you all the time?

R-becca said...

I'm glad you can laugh about it. I'd be pretty pissed and probably would have made a scene and rolled my eyes a lot. Bad idea. Remember not to joke handcuff me for long periods of time. :)

Your husband is rad for getting all that stuff and redeeming date night! Hip Hip Hurray for Chris. (come to Denver this weekend - I'll be there).

Anna Joy Photography said...

oh my gosh, i would have bitten through the handcuffs and threw the suitcase at the lead singer...........ALSO i was wondering what smokey treats were... i assumed right, but still had lingering in my mind if they were those bacon treats you feed dogs and they go CRAYZAY for in the commercials!?

Anna Peterson said...

I love Sour Patch Kids too!

nutmeg said...

Vintage clothes, a boy called Ezra, and handcuffs. I think I've died and gone to bloggy heaven!

kachina said...

Dear "second band",

I see no dissing here...chilllllll.

Dear Emery,

I'm TOTALLY once of those people that crazy shit happens to allllll the time! GAH! Some dude walked into my work the other day with a Tracheotomy AND a bluetooth attached to his ear!

hah. Yay for second go at the date night : )

meg said...

i love that husbands know just what a wife needs to redeem a foiled date night.

p.s. try Nat Sherman's Touch of Clove

a sweet hint of clove in the filter, no fiberglass like the Dijarum's

my faves are the Nat Sherman's Hint of Mint, or the Naturals
They are all made with cigar tobacco and are delicious but a bit pricey.

Misguided Mommy said...


Andrea June said...

HILARIOUS!!!! And 'The Holiday' is one of my favorite movies EVER. I saw it last Christmas when my sister was in Sac with me and we almost cried it was so good.
I am loving this crisp weather. It's so crisp I decided to make chili and I can smell it simmering away :)

Flo Oakes said...

Um. I would have been SO pissed.
Also, I like sour patch kids..not really as much as I ADORE Sour PUNCH straws...but they are both sour and fruity so I will take that as more evidence that we would indeed be kindred spirits.

Joeprah said...

Stupid "Keeper of the Doughnuts" gag. It ruins 8/10 date nights. If I so much as see a doughnut or a silver briefcase while on a date night I just stay calm, look for the nearest exit and roll out. You shoulda known that...rookie mistake. LOL. Funny story. Date nights have so much pressure attached and are seldom very relaxing unless alcohol is involved. That's just me though.

piper of love said...

that's one of my favorite movies too! not sure why either, but I think it will always be "one of those."

I experienced blog backlash too, about something different, and related to my job!! It can be brutal! Chin up! You handled it with aplomb.

Tara Jones said...

ok. so, i wasn't the only one who was thinking that smokey treats were like...bits of smoked salmon on tiny pieces of bread and what not.
anyway, halarity and chaos as always. you have the best stories!
oh. and p.s. you have the best guy EVER! just thought i should throw that in, in case you weren't aware:) but i'm sure you are!

Jen Manuele said...

ok, so I am SO glad that I am not the only one who is obsessive over the holiday!!
also, I tagged you....
{see my blog for details}

Elizabeth said...

I really think Kate Winslet has magical powers because I had the same reaction to The Holiday. Also, don't you just love Jack Black? I need to watch that movie again. But yes, everything I see w/Kate Winslet in it I love and I really think she is the only actress around that ALL people seem to like. Fairydust, I'm tellin' ya.

CableGirl said...

You know under different circumstances handcuffs and a date night would go GREAT together. lol

btw, I share your weakness for clove smokey treats. We only get them once every few months, because, well, they're bad for you and I'm in training so they're even worse... but YUMMY!

Tiffany Aicklen said...

I love the Holiday almost more than life! You've Got Mail has been my favorite for over a decade and the Holiday for sure gave it a fun for it's money. The scene with the little girls in the tent made me cry!

Ok, enough . . . I really enjoyed reading your blog:)