June 12, 2007

A Shocking Post.

Dearest Y'all,

Couple of things.

First off, I am NEVER (EVER EVER) wearing flip flops to a grocery store ever again.

I had some shopping to do this morning, and after wrangling Ezra's legs into the little holes in the basket seat, we set off for a lightning quick shopping run. About halfway through the list, after locating the marinated artichoke heart jars (which took me about 3 years to finally stumble upon), I grabbed the cart handle and started to push. That is when the ELECTRIC SHOCK TORTURE portion of my shopping trip began. Every time I touched the handle, I got a nasty shock. If I tried to hold on to the handle, I received a succession of shocks that jumped up and bit me every time I took a step.

I had heard my mom speak of this happening so badly that she couldn't open the large wall refrigerator door to get her milk because the shocks were just that strong and painful. She said it happened to her whenever she wore flip flops in a grocery store.

If only I'd listened to my mother.

After a few isles of involuntary electro-shock therapy, I was reduced to pushing my cart a few steps with one finger, then switching to the other finger for the next few steps. Then, I thought if I picked up my feet more instead of shuffling along like I usually do, it might help the situation as well. I may have over-exaggerated a bit and been walking like a flamingo, all awkward and gangly-like, as if I were stepping over a beach ball every time I lifted my foot off the ground. Now, add to all of this the fact that I was quietly saying "Ow. Ow. Ow." under my breath and shaking out my hands every second or two. Can you imagine walking by someone doing this in the grocery store and not dying of laughter?

I knew I looked ridiculous, but I did not care. I chose embarrassment over affliction. I chose respite over dignity. Can you blame me? I was getting TAZED to death by my lipstick red Target shopping cart! And nobody could save me!

To make matters EVEN WORSE, Ezra thought this was all quite silly as well, and started mimicking me by shouting "OW! OW! OWIE! OWIE!" as I clumsily pushed him along in the cart. Just what I needed-- more reasons for the entire store to stop and stare as I walked by. I was laughing hysterically and practically in tears by the time I finally reached the checkout line, because it was all so incredibly funny and... well, PAINFUL.

Have any of you ever experienced this? Or is it just a genetic default that my mother and I share while wearing flip flops into grocery stores?

Second thing:
My house is full of those tiny little gnat bugs that buzz around your eyes all day long. They are slowly driving me to the brink of insanity and rapidly multiplying in number. I must at least look like a crazy person with my random twitching, swatting, and clapping in attempts to singlehandedly kill them all one-by-frickin-one. Anyone know of a (more effective) way to make them go away?

Kindest Regards,
The Human Bug Zapper.

already displaying an imppecable taste in footwear.


Flo Oakes said...

I've never heard of that happening! Crazy...
If my blog-reading memory is accurate...didn't you have an episode with a shopping cart before?
Like..it just stopped or something??

Megan said...

Never heard of the flip-flop thing. That is nuts! And I know I've worn flip flops to the grocery store before because, well, it's Reno! And it's HOT right now!

As for the knats...what's up, house plants! Do you have them? If you have some...you are breeding knats. Kevin and my two previous apartments in South Reno were completely infested. I went to the Moana nursery and randomly asked some guy who called himself the "Plant Doctor" about them, and he said they hatch out of the soil in house plants. If only I'd known! They're harmless, but annoying. He recommended some organic spray that I used on the leaves and in the soil of all my plants before moving them to our new house (you know, to avoid the knat infestation in our new place). And low and behold - it's working! We've been in our house 3 months now and I have only had to murder ONE knat that was incessantly trying to fly up my nose. ONE! I'd say that stuff works pretty well! You can buy it at any nursery, or I'm sure at a place like Lowe's or Home Depot. It's cheap, too, for a big spray bottle!

Word of caution, however: it's a little smelly. Take your plants outside, spray, leave them out there for a while and then bring them back in. I made the mistake of spraying them INSIDE, a few days before our move, and hubby was the HUGEST BABY until we were out of that condo. You'd swear I'd tried to poision him or something.


Brittany said...

TI don't think it's normal for shocking toture to occur at the grocery store. I wear flip-flops to the store all the time. Does your mom shop at Target, too???? Could it be Target?? Now I wasnt to go to the store for experimental purposes.

Misguided Mommy said...

flip flop thing...never happened..however i shock rob 5-6 times i kiss him (i'm such a great wife) i was just actually asking my mom the UBER gardner about this...and a natural method here is what she said. get a sun tea jar cut up some hot ass peppers and put them in the water to soak up the sun over night making some ultra hot water. make a couple pots because you will need to pour this into the dirt since bugs in houseplants live in the dirt not on the plant. this is a better way to kill them with out using pesticides! also works great on outdoor plants.

she asked if you got a new plant or you recently transplanted one, and then watering made them hatch.,,,anyway head back to the store in some safe tennis shoes and buy you some HOT PEPPERS....ha ha this might also ezra proof the cookie jar!

piper of love said...

Good-bye Fruit Flies;

To get rid of pesky fruit flies take a small glass and fill it to ½" with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dishwashing liquid - mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!

Reducing Static;

Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your clothes on the inside.

the first one is a cure all for gnats. the second one is worth a shot as flops are a must have to surviving the OK summers.

Good luck.

L.A. Daddy said...

That just ain't right! Too bad you couldn't mix your electrical ability at the store with your home bug problem.

Love the shoe shot. How did you get him to put them on the right feet? LA Toddler ALWAYS puts the left shoe on the right foot and the right shoe on the left foot! It kills me! (and her feet!)

Edie said...

I ALWAYS get shock therapy at the grocery store. Drives me nuts. There I am innocently reaching for the handle of the milk cooler and ZAP! It sounds funny but it HURTS! I'm gonna have to try the safety pin thing.

I found your site about a week ago and have now read all your archives. I don't know what it is about your writing that affects me this way but it's like curling up with a really good book and getting lost in another time and place. Honestly, yours is the best blog I've ever come across :o)

Have a great day!

meg said...

i couldn't go a day without my flip-flops so if i had this problem, life would be (almost) over. hope some of the remedies above work out.

I'm having problems with flies in general and am wondering if any of your friend's remedies will work on them. i think i'll try, i'm tired of having to keep the fly swatter next to me all the time.

good luck.

MoMar said...

I can just see you, all arms and legs doing the flamingo. I'm pretty sure it's the flip-flops because when it happens to me I take off my shoes and put them in the bottom basket of the cart and go bare-footed ... the shocks are greatly reduced. Raleys told me it was something to do with the stuff they buff the floors with each night. But I don't believe them, it's part of a larger conspiracy, I'm sure ...

kachina said...

never had the flip flop thing happen...very unfortunate for you! About the gnat thing...maybe put up one of those sticky fly things in your kitchen and get rid of all your fresh food...the stuff sitting out on the counter and such. Those gnats liiiiiiive off of your fresh fruit and veggies sitting out on the counter. Perhaps put the food in the fridge for awhile.

PS--Ezra's shirt...totally from the Children's Place. i work there and fold that specific shirt about a hundred times a day. : )

PSS. what'd you think of my dream?

Scooby said...

Heya! Long-time reader, first-time poster. I found you on Cameron Ingalls' blog. :)

All the gnat suggestions are really good, but if you want somethings fun, get one of those electric bug zappers, the ones that look like tennis rackets and run on batteries. Run around and zap to your heart's content!

Anna Peterson said...

that last post is just what I was thinking. http://www.amazon.com/ELECTRIC-FLY-SWATTER-Insects-Mosquitos/dp/B000EPPFEC
just watch out: it smells like something is burning after you succesfully exterminate a bug with one.

Uncle Dave said...

Is no one else concerned that Ezra is wearing high heels?

Anne said...

Yes, I have experienced the grocery store shock treatment as well Em. You are not alone. I don't remember if I was wearing flip flops, but I know that I was pregnant with Teagan when I experienced the worst one and I was all paranoid that she was getting shocked! We should write a letter!!! Love ya.

The Buetzow's said...

costco. every single time!

Brian from Raleigh said...

It happened to me at a super Wal Mart but I had on Adidas Sambas, Every few feet the cart would give off a static charge. It was weird, never experienced it before. It's not pleasant.