No matter how relieved I am every evening at 8:00 when Ezra is tucked into his little bed- all comfy and cozy and sound asleep... no matter how much I've been looking forward to a quiet house and a good book... no matter how batty he's driven me during the course of the day... there is a gravitational pull that appears in the hallway by his door that I can't explain or deny once he's finally drifted off to his dreamy dreams. Every single night.
I get caught in it's force each night around 11:00, and my hand finds its own way to his little misshapen doorknob; the one with the chipped gold plating and that feels like it's made of tin and maybe I could crush it in my hand if I really wanted to.
I slowly open the door... and this is the part that gets me everytime... because all of the frustrations and worries and regrets and "NO. Ezra? Ezra what did I just say? Mommy said NO!'s", they stay on the other side of the door as I tiptoe across his carpet and think about how the moonlight coming through his blinds looks so... so... organized in its straight little rows on the floor.
I breathe deeply because, at this time of night, his is the most peaceful room in the house and it feels almost sacred. So, I breathe it in a little to get some of it into my lungs. My heart is always excited as I crawl into that little bed next to him and check his legs to make sure he's not too cold and I re-adjust his covers and place all THREE HUNDRED of his 'must-have bed toys' on the ground so that he isn't tossing and turning on little metal tractors and monster trucks all night long.
I brush the hair away from the nape of his neck and swoop it away from his eyes, and then I lean in next to his ear and whisper a weighty "I love you" that I almost wish he were awake to hear... just so he could understand how the words are so deep, they come from way down by my toes.
He smells like baby soap... I still buy the 'Johnson's Baby Wash' because that's baby smell in a bottle, aaaand I'll take 40 truckloads of it please and thankyouverymuch. If there's ever a shortage of 'Johnson's Baby Wash' in the stores, I don't want to be caught unprepared. It's the only link I have left to the days when he was new and I was afraid of breaking him if I held him wrong.
Then, I practically have to pull myself away from the very same boy I spend every other waking hour of my day with... quietly retracing my steps and then shutting the door behind me again with such care and respect that you'd think the room's contents were as fragile as a little paper kite.
8 comments:
yup the johsnons naturals...even if i ever move on to a more powerful wash i will always use that delicious lotion.
This is a beautiful post, it so captured that magical quality they and everything surrounding them takes on when night and sleep take over, especially after the harder days where it feel like no is so much more prominent than yes...Thank you for sharing this daily moment in such lovely prose.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
I can't wait to experience this in my lifetime...hopefully sooner than later. I can't wait.
Jerami and I do the same thing! I love our kids! I lvoe yours to Emery!! HE is so sweet!
ok so i do the same thing right before i go to bed, and every night my husband say "why do you do that your going to wake him up!"
The funny thing is if he does wake up in the middle of the night we both jump up because we both love those few minutes of rocking him back to sleep. So who ever gets there first...
Wow, you must've stepped into my brain - these are my thoughts, and my actions, nearly every single night.
And I still use the baby soap, too. I can't bring myself to change.
what a beautiful post! i go into both of my sons' rooms at night too. love to see them peacefully sleeping! and i agree w/ the johnson baby wash. that's what we use too! love that smell! visiting from CHBM.
I read this to my husband, Buz. I think our sons might just be best friends. You are a beautiful writer. Can't wait to see all your faces for the first time!
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