January 14, 2007

A Resolution.

I resolve to understand the incredible weight and significance; the critical gravity and relevance of the calling that was placed on my life the moment that hospital room faded away and those brand new eyes locked on mine.

I want to finally get it.

I'm so very tired of feeling like staying at home with my son is somehow not good enough. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I must do more, more, more! if I want to amount to anything in this life. I resolve to finally drop that lie to the ground- the one that plays on REPEAT in my head all day (everyday)- and walk away from it once and for all. I resolve to stop picking it up and carrying it with me like an old, ratty stuffed animal. I resolve to never again let that feeling become my motivation. For ANYTHING.

Motherhood is far too difficult in and of itself to add the pressure of 'not enough' on top of it, you know? And seriously, if being someone's mother isn't enough, then what is? I'm ready to tackle this calling head on and put as much effort and care into it as if I had the fate of the whole world in my hands. To give my BEST to what's in front of me and stop unplugging and waiting for the 'next thing' to come along so I can move on and hope to feel more significant in some way. Because my significance was never manufactured by what I "do" or how well I do it. My strength is in my weaknesses and failings- where God can step in and take the credit and the glory for every breath that comes from these faint and tired lungs. My worth is there.

I resolve to be okay... to know my days with Ezra at home are worth more than any job could offer... and to know that I'm enough.


sufferingsummer said...

I generally dislike New Year's Resolutions but this is one I could get behind!

Hadara said...

You're enough.

Look Em - you've got such an amazing relationship with your husband, your "soulmate" as cheesy as that word is. You guys brought a smart and beautiful and unique son into the world. You're SO DAMN musically talented and a fantastic writer - I think you should write a syndicated column, or a book. your spirituality is something that inspires me all the time.

and these are just the first things that pop into my head when I think of you...what I marvel at also is that you can conquer the world and I know such amazing things are in store. But for now, you're focusing on these years of Ezra's life and devoting all your energy and creativity to his happiness, and finding such happiness IN that. I mean, what's cooler??!

I marvel at ya. Seriously. You're awesome and you KNOW that's what Ezra's thinking every time he runs up and hugs your legs!!!

WHOA tangent. Okay, I'm going to bed now I promise.

momar said...

That's all part of what makes us strive to do better, but you are right to keep it in check, it can eat at you. I still find myself thinking I didn't do enough. I felt your future was dependent on what I did and how well I did it every day. I'm learning that's not true and it's liberating. You have obviously figured it out much sooner. Enjoy Ezra, there is plenty of time.

Cristina Mathers said...

what a beautiful pair of eyes your son has! just amazing!

Starshine said...

I love this post! How did we find each other's blogs? I think that if we lived in the same place, we would be friends. :) God has definitely placed a high calling on your life, and I can tell that you are bringing Him glory in how you're raising your son.

Oh, and what gorgeous eyes and lashes that boy has!

Laura said...

If your resolution works, maybe you can share your secret. Because working 40 hours a week at a job I absolutely love isn't good enough, either.


Cam said...

What a great post. I've felt the same on many days, but you're right, it's a big fat lie. Thanks for reminding me.

Your son is just gorgous.

Shawna Herring Photography said...

I just love you, Emery.