The Only Thing That Will Remain.

The other day I was transferring all of the pictures from my phone to my computer, and, let's just say it had been awhile, and there were almost 2000 images dangling on the edge of existence by nothing but the thread of an iPhone memory card- including most of truman's newborn photos and the first moments of his life- when all of a sudden it hit me.

My life was literally flashing before my eyes.

The images were careening across the screen in quick succession and they were all jumbled up, in no particular order, and instantly the world around me blanked out and the images were all that I could see, only they were those moments as I remembered them in full color and sound and touch and I realized... this is it! This is what life on earth stacks up to- this quick vapor, this fading grass, this moment's breath of time that we have on this planet and then we are... gone! And these images were pounding up on the screen relentless but each one of them was a throbbing of the heart inside my chest and before I could catch my breath there were tears smudging all the photos together and splashing down hard on the desk.

I was not sad. I did not feel regret or pangs over lost time.

The tears were skirting the edges of an awe-struck smile.

It was so... beautiful.

There were little boys in batman costumes and goofy first grins and the 95 foot ceiling of a train station in Kansas City that could pull a song right out of your lungs just from the sight of it. There were pictures of outfits and rainbows and teakettles... Warm cookies and water towers... sunrises and sunsets. There were pictures of the man I love, laughing, and of our little chalkboard in the kitchen with Ezra's heart-rending reminder that "God is GRATE!"

Life is short and what will we leave behind? We can take nothing with us when our time here is up. No money, no trophies, no spouses or children or friends. Just ourselves, alone, and the things we've personally stored up in heaven... the love we've poured out on the needy and hurting and lost without any thought of selfish gain.

We can take nothing, but that does not mean that we will not leave something. The things we do and the choices we make on this earth will affect generations.

This is a reality that I feel like our culture doesn't seem to acknowledge these days. We make choices for our pleasure without thought of choosing the harder way of character... character that will shape our children and shape the entire world long after we're gone.

As the images flashed, I was moved. I want to leave behind a legacy of character and faith and children who stand for what's right. I want to savor the beauty in the small moments and live a life of thanksgiving and praise. I want to smile more and laugh with my head thrown back... I want my children to remember me as a happy woman who knew her God.

I am so grateful that God used this transferring of pictures to remind me of what has real value. I am thankful that I got to see my life flash before my eyes NOW, rather than when it was too late to do anything about it.

I am choosing to pour myself out rather than fill myself up. I am choosing to dance with my son by the Christmas tree rather than stress about the dishes in the sink. I am choosing to live HAPPY in my moments- leaving behind love and storing up love- because I see now that love is the only thing that will remain when all else is shaken and stripped away.

thankful.

It has been a longer absence than i anticipated, yes.

The days have been so full and what they say is true... when you start really paying attention to the little moments in front of you, life explodes with rich meaning and other things lose their flavor in comparison.

The Internet has seemed a bit like a dry rice cake sitting here after I've stuffed myself with a savory Thanksgiving feast and spent more time in prayer and reading and journaling. I've had a harder time than anticipated picking it back up again, and for that I apologize.

This Thanksgiving was the most meaningful season of thanks I have ever experienced. This journey of hunting down things to be thankful for had me ripe and primed for the season and the number one thing that I was thankful for this year was for my new heart of gratitude (still in training) that is causing me to love life and enjoy laundry and find daily happiness again.

Christmas lights are appearing now, and my boys are in heaven. Everywhere we go, their little eyes are scouting for the strands of gold and green and red hung with such care on houses that we would otherwise pass by in the dark, unknown.

Truman's eyes absorb the shimmer and reflect back complete wonder and awe, and this alone could make me wish it was christmas time all year long and forever.

He makes everything new and soft and lovely.

My sweet sister-in-law, Candace, was here for Thanksgiving, and the time spent cozied up on the couch, all of us buried under piles of blankets, talking deep and real and true over hot cups of tea, is one of my new favorite memories. She has a heart of gold that rings clear when you sound it. We love her infinitely.

The air is getting cold and the skies are sharpening. I find myself desperately hoping to find blankets of white outside my windows when I wake. Snow makes me feel warm inside, and I long for its sound-absorbing hush all year long.

We decorated the tree on a Sunday night. Sunday nights have recently become our "no electricity" nights (excepting for Christmas lights, OF COURSE!) and we spend them as a family over board games or books. The boys have flashlights and we light candles and the ever-pressing noise of the outside world is silenced as we fumble around in the dark.

It has been incredible.

This family of mine is worth all of the strugglings with identity and laying down of self that I have wrestled through these past eight years and it will still be worth it all, no matter what arises, in the years to come. I look around this filled-up-to-the-brim little house most days and just shake my head in amazement. What a gift this season of life has been. What a long, and often times confusing, journey that has led me straight into such clarity and purpose!

God truly is the author of all history, in advance. He has guided each of my faltering steps directly to this place, and I can feel Him calling me on again. I will follow, no matter what or where, with even more confidence than before, because I see now that He is always & forever good, and His purposes will never be, CAN never be shaken apart.

Steadied.

Yesterday was one of those days that seeps down in to the bone level and aches. The nights have been rough with little Tru, and Myer is in this phase where I swear he is trying to make me want to send him away to baby boot camp until he's at least 4. These days of counting gratitude have been life-transforming, but there are still those days, you know? Where everything your eyes rest upon make you grumble instead of sing and you somehow feel that God owes you a home that stays clean and children who play quietly for hours and never whine or need you for anything. UGH, just saying that makes me feel like a total doofwad. Living as if GOD owed ME something! It's a miracle I haven't become a lightning rod by now. haha.

Even in the midst of days like yesterday, though, I feel an underlying foundation that wasn't there before. Maybe I should say the beginnings of a foundation. All these days of counting thanks have begun to build a trust in the goodness of God that definitely was not there before. As I'm learning to live aware of God's gifts of grace in each and every moment, in each and every breath, I am realizing something... I am realizing that, oh heck! God really is GOOD! Look at how the light bars from the window are waving on the shower curtain and how the fast moving clouds cause it to pulse and strobe! I am captivated and in awe and I lay another pebble down on the foundation of believing God loves me and only has good intentions towards me. How have I lived for so long blind to my moments? And all the goodness stuffed down full inside each and every single one?

I may have stumbled back into discontentment yesterday, but even in that there is a gift. A reminder of how very much I don't want to fall back into living that way. As I said, the day pulled heavy on my bones and made me feel old and thin. Who wants to walk in that day after day? Not me. Not any more. I've tasted and seen.

Today is already proving to be much better. My husband, seeing the weariness in my eyes, let me sleep in this morning... until ELEVEN O'CLOCK. He had the boys to school and the house tidied up and the baby napping by the time I pulled myself out of bed. You know how the Bible talks about loving those who grumble against you and it being like hot coals heaped upon their heads? Is my hair on fire? After such a hard and grumble-filled day yesterday, God's grace is heaped upon me afresh through the loving servitude of the husband that THAT HE GAVE ME.



Forget the pebbles... I'm laying down a whole SLAB on the foundation today.

Life has never been so steadied, and I have never felt so loved.

eight years.

#330 on my list of 1000 thanks- A family that will chase the sunrise with me.

There are so many things happening below the surface over here, and our minds are running at break-neck speeds trying to chase all the pieces so we can eventually, hopefully, make sense of the puzzle.

For now, all we know is that God is speaking. Con uno megaphono. He has something big on the horizon, but for now it looms off just out of reach, a shadow outlined against the sky.



#357. bumblebee & obi wan.

I have never known God to be so near. I have never known God to be so real. I have never known God to be so... intimately intertwined in my everyday story. I wake up excited these days, hope surging through my veins and humming out through my vocal chords as I sing "You are good, you are good, when there's nothing good in me!"

I am reveling in my weaknesses for the FIRST time in my life, because in those moments, when I allow Him to, He is proving Himself strong and faithful. O, Dichotomy of God! When I am most frail, it is then that I am something He can rebuild city walls with! When my need is greatest and everything in me feels dark like ink, it is then that the grace of Him burns so bright I can hardly look!

Today Chris and I are celebrating eight years of marriage. We went out to dinner on Friday for an early anniversary date and felt the favor and happiness of God on us the whole time. The hostess led us straight to the best table in the restaurant... a booth seat overlooking the lake and the lighthouse and the most beautiful sunset I have seen in ages. Afterwards, at coffee, the barista winked and gave us our drinks for free and we sat at a table-for-two and giggled like teenagers in love. Best anniversary gifts EVER.




#350. eight years of joy.




#351. anniversary skies.


I am so honored to have this man lead me through this life. He makes adventures feel God-grounded and the mundane feel like the most important and holy of tasks. He sincerely thanks me for washing dishes, caring for boys, cooking (bad) food, and vacuuming carpets. He honors me with his words (even when I'm not around!) and he is quick to serve me, making me feel like I'm the only woman in the room, always.

What more could a girl ask for??

I could fill 1000 thanks with his love alone...




...and have a hundred more of his babies. hahhaha.

;)

Grain by Grain.

Joy is buried down in gratitude, like a treasure chest in the sand.

Some days I find it, this treasure that is rightfully mine. I get down on my knees and dig down into thankfulness until I strike it. The feel of it surprises me every time. Other days I cower in the shade and complain that the sand is too hot... the labor too demeaning... the treasure too deep. The joy is there right under my nose... I choose not to see.

Every single breath, every day of good health, every time my husband bends to kiss my neck... these are things in which I am learning to see God's extravagant goodness.

Grain by grain, a slow and steady unearthing.











































Lord, help me to keep digging. Grain by grain. No matter what. No matter where. For all the days of my life.

Fragments.

02. buckets of never-ending possibilities

I've been working on a little project that has the potential to change my achy and weary existence into a straight-up disco ball of multi-faceted joy.


03. tools of the trade

It is nothing fancy, by any means. Quite the opposite, actually! It is a daily photo diary of clumsy gratitude. Gratitude that I hunt for in the wild, unexplored jungles of the mundane.


04. pockets of quiet

I'm learning to slow the shutter speed of my life. To hold still and capture more light. To gather up the things for which I am thankful.


07. candy in the morning

I am DONE with discontentment and grumbling. I am DONE with believing that this life I have, this God I serve, are not good enough.


09. library loot

I have been rescued!! What kind of a story would it be if the damsel in distress turned to the prince and said, "Thanks for saving me and all, but where are you taking me and when will we get there and my feet hurt and I need some alone time and where is my castle and it is TOO HOT here and I didn't ask for this and I'm tired of picking up after you all the time!" The End.


11. truman, the champion sleeper

A story like that would need another chapter. One in which the damsel in distress becomes a delectable dragon treat. Nom nom.


13. clouds that make you crave marshmallows

I am already finding that behind this slowed, deliberate thankfulness, there are deep oceans of joy. Joy that has been whizzing by unnoticed! Oh, I mourn those lost moments... the ingratitude... the feeling like the world owed me something. If it owed anyone anything, it was Jesus, the God-Man, who hung and poured Himself out to make a way. The rescuer who deserves all thanks in ALL moments, against whom alone I have grumbled and followed with shuffling feet.


14. the joy of reading

I am proud of these images that I am gathering. Not because of any composition or "wow factor", but because they are clumsily captured fragments that make up the whole of this life that I've been given. They are an offering. They are an ebenezer. They are a grateful remembrance.

May I never forget again.

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Feel free to follow along and join in using whatever platform you prefer. Let me know here if you do! I am using Instagram (and Flickr), user name emeryjo and hashtag #1000thanks.