October 2, 2011

For You are Good.



The older boys are out back and I've got the door flung open wide. The baby naps and I can hear their mini shovels sounding against the hard dirt in the backyard. It was a long, hot, dry Summer. The very earth seems to cry out sharp when you try to break it up, let it breathe.

The breeze synchronizes their blond hair and matching Superman capes and a dog barks distant. I breathe deep and close my eyes.

We skipped church this morning because of Ezra's cough that has turned his voice into gravel, but even in this I am thankful. This morning as the sun grew warm we all worked in the front yard together, pruning the bushes and raking up leaves and sweeping the walk. As Ezra clipped at the dense leaves, bringing shape back to the hedge, we talked about how letting go of things can be hard- painful lopping off- but it always allows room for new growth. Stronger growth. Greener growth.

As I scooped up the clippings and pressed them down into the bucket, I got lost in the wonder. Again, the kingdom stands on its head and logic can't grasp it. Chop in order to grow. Clip back in order to spring forth. I find awe in my front yard.

*******

The peace of this moment shatters. It never lasts, it never sticks. Dirt flies through the air. Myer growls angry. Shovel now flies through the air. Ezra yelps pain. I storm out heavy onto the deck, scoop up the dirt covered two-year-old and hiss in his ear that it is never okay to throw shovels. His dirt clings to me as I strip him down to bring him inside. He kicks at me, screams, yells "Go way!" in my face.

Now baby screams, awoken much too early by his older brothers, for the second time today.

I burn hot.

********

This is par for the course these days... me limping along upon moments of high and low. The highs are the highest they've ever been, the lows come more quickly than ever before. How am I, ragged mother, to stand straight and tall before God in the throes of these days? I can almost see the word 'Pharisee' scrawled upon a banner above my head. One moment I am praising Him for his gifts, this day, these boys, this house, this job! The very next I am cursing- literally cursing- under my breath and throwing barbed words around hoping they will stick somewhere, to someone, and relieve the pressure in my chest.

*********

Chris comes home from a long morning of playing music at two back-to-back church services. I feel the desire to lash out at him... somehow stick the morning I've had to his shirt and walk away from it. It's touch and go for a moment, he softens me with his eyes.

We talk of the big things coming up on the horizon. My heart starts to beat life again. I wash dishes in the soapy sink and I sing as loud as the napping children's closed doors will allow.

"Oh Lord, my rock,
my strength in weakness...
come rescue me,
Oh Lord..."

As I move my sponge in circles over the caked-on cinnamon roll frosting, I smile because I somehow sang joy into this mess of a day and the floor in front of my kitchen sink is suddenly holy ground. I feel God's pleasure rise up all around me and I see in my mind a picture of a little blonde tossled-haired girl sitting on her trampoline in the dusk staring up at the mountains that seem to spring up from the edge of her backyard and it's me! And He's there! I knew it then and I know it now and I feel Him say, bold:

"I am so proud of the woman you have become."

My tears mix with the dish water and I sing it back soft:

"You are my hope,
and Your promise never fails me.
For you are good,
for you are good,
for you are good
to me."

*********

25 comments:

Natasha said...

amazing!

Mandy said...

Have I mentioned lately that you are my favorite blog to read- ever? If you wrote books, I would buy them & read them. :) I needed this post. Thank you :)

Ruthy said...

I absolutely love your perspective on life. I also love your writing style and I am a mother so I can relate. I read this and I loved your writing style so much that I had to read the entire post until the end. Usually I do not like to read posts until the end but you have a unique beautiful way of putting words together. I am looking forward to reading more of your posts.

Meghan Elaine said...

I have felt these highs and lows so strongly for the past few months. Thank you for sharing and encouraging me today! Your heart and your writing is beautiful.

Meghan Elaine said...

p.s i hope you don't mind, i'm sharing a link to this post on my blog. it's that powerful.

Anna said...

I am sobbing right now. Very powerful truth. I can so completely relate to this. What you describe here is exactly what my pastor talked about today. God bless you.

deanna@delirious-rhapsody said...

this was so beautiful. i love reading posts from other bloggers who share similar spiritual views as i do. :)

Jessica G. said...

Lovely post. I think all moms have these moments. And I think God is proud of you just for you knowing your weaknesses.

Jessica said...

I had a rough morning (and it's only 8:15), so I came back to read this again. You are a wonderful encourager.

SUPAHMAMA! said...

Thank you so much for baring your soul for us. It seems like there are many of us right now calling out to Him and just going through a rough time and your words are like a balm. I second what someone else wrote earlier, your blog is one of my favorites on my reader. Thanks again for opening yourself up to us!

b.a. said...

really enjoyed this post. and so, so relate. i'm often shocked at the anger that can rise up instantaneously toward these two children i love so deeply.

also, this song is one that often comes to me. it's so simple and honest. hard to sing without tears.

girl willow said...

Beautiful...simply beautiful!

Terese said...

Hi Emery, thank you for blogging your thoughts and life so openly for us to read about. It lifts my spirit.

misguided mommy said...

So fine. I've posted the most embarrassing story of my life. And I promise not a single person on here can top it! http://www.misguidedmommy.com/blog/558/Along-Came-Shannon-(The-running-story-%20-a-bonus-embarrassing-horror-story)

eBirdie said...

Beautiful writing, and so true. Thank you for sharing.

Lesley said...

loved this.

Rachael said...

I never feel I have something worthwhile to add to your beautiful writing via a comment but I often just want you to know that I read and identified with your post and once again, appreciated your marvelous penchant for aptly characterizing both the large and small bits of life in such an artistic fashion.

Charlotte said...

You minister through this blog, through your words. I think any of these comments can attest to that. Isn't it amazing when God just whispers the right words in our hearts, right when we need them? I'm so glad you can feel his blessings.

Momo Fali said...

I can hear you singing, Em. It is beautiful. Keep the faith, because it the light in the dark.

Rita said...

I have had days JUST LIKE THAT!

Too bad I could never ever articulate it as you have here.

So lovely.

Mrs. Cheerio said...

Incredible post... and if anyone has "Pharisee" posted above their head, it's definitely got to be me.

KJW said...

I've followed your blog for a couple years now and so often feel connected...you say things that I feel and can't express. Thank you for your honest and beautiful words. You encourage me. =]

Ashlee said...

I understand this. 100%.

p.s. sorry for the barking dog. :)

Whitney said...

This is beautiful, just beautiful.

Nikki said...

Wow.