September 21, 2011

Mother Weary.


My eyes snap open again in the heavy dark. It is 3:00AM. Something like the 14th consecutive 3:00AM I've seen blinking back red at me in the blackness of my room. My feet find the floor without my knowledge and I stumble toward the whimpering cry.

It's been two weeks of this. The sweet babe is not sleeping at night. 9:00. 11:00. 1:00. 3:00. 5:00...

Rest cut up into two hour pieces is no rest at all. It is a messy, violent thing that lingers and clings to the bones all the waking hours.

I feel worn thin, almost transparent.

Molars? Sickness?

Teeny tiny baby manipulation?

Whatever it is, it drains.

I would let the cries ring- I have no qualms against such things, but there are the others in this household that need their sleep much more than I. There are growing boys and a hard-laboring husband. These walls so close together muffle nothing. The hallway becomes a trumpet and I lunge to silence the blast.

The time-tested mother in me knows that this is only a short season... one brushstroke on the beautiful sprawling canvas, but the physical body knows nothing of seasons or brushstrokes. It knows only the weary now and it slowly grinds to a halt.

I brew more coffee.
Apply more concealer.
Pray in deep breaths,
And push through.

15 comments:

KillerB said...

Hang in there, sweet mama!

Kiya said...

I hear ya! My son was born early, so he had no sucking reflex and he wouldn't wake up when he was hungry. So not only did I have to set my alarm for 2 hours at a time all night long for a couple weeks, but I also had to add to that the VERY against-my-instincts act of waking him up to eat, which basically meant him sucking on my pinky while I squirted breastmilk into his mouth with a syringe. lol. It was a very hazy few weeks before he learned how to eat and wake on his own. And since then, he's been the best sleeper ever. (He'll be 13 in a couple months). So just remember "This too shall pass", although that is sorry comfort right now, I know. I hope he starts sleeping better soon!

TLee said...

no words, just hoping to offer comfort across the miles. sending virtual hugs, one momma to another.

this too shall pass...

Katy said...

oh God bless you dear woman! I am so not ready for that!

I hope the coffee works! and just remember it is just a season! ;-)

Tara said...

Oh how I feel your pain! Sawyer is doing the same thing and if I only had one kid it would be no big deal to let her cry it out but... not so much. Very tricky. Why have our babies reverted back to their teeny weeny newborn days?!? Praying both our children learn to like sleep once again.

Joy said...

I'm sorry... things will get better! I'm sure of it!

The Beckster said...

I'm so sorry! If there were ever words for what the exhaustion of days and nights that blend together with lack of sleep -- your blog would be those words. I am hoping you get a full nights sleep soon!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear this! It actually made me a little weepy because I had so many nights like this with #2 as well and it's still too fresh to really call it a "memory". It's so hard to keep going and be present and loving and forgiving to the little ones when there is no sleep.

We have found that an old box fan blowing on high in the boys' room drowns out an amazing amount of noise. Much more effective than those noise machines. It may be worth a try? Are your boys able to sleep through a little crying? I was totally shocked that my oldest really was able to sleep through a lot, or go back to sleep quickly after some crying from the wee one. It's not ideal, for sure, but I reached my max with the sleep deprivation many times.

Hang in there, Mama! Good thoughts and hugs going your way.
-Lil

Chelsea said...

You're a great mother emery. Not just a good one, but a great one! I can only imagine our king smiling as he watches you serve and love your family so well.

Keep up the good work! It is not done in vain. Try to "enjoy" it as best as you can. These years will pass us quicker than we ever thought. I have to remember this advice because I'm right there with you in the trenches of mommy-zombie-hood.

Claire said...

Last paragraph speaks from my heart too. My five month old waking up 7 times each night for the past month. I am afraid it is no "brushstroke" but the color of his. Beautiful but exhausting!

Long live concealer :)

Jamie said...

I read this at 4:00 am when I got up to nurse for the umpteenth time of the night and found it extremely encouraging to not be alone in this season! You captured all the exhaustion so well in your descriptions. I love ur blog!

Anonymous said...

i identify with you more than you will ever know! i find it comforting to know there are other people in this crazy boat.

i read something very encouraging to me... thought i would share. i was to point of "not liking" one of my kids (some may understand this, others may not) and feeling very guilty... then i read it's the "behaviors" we don't like, not the child. duh! it was hard for me to see this thru the exhaustion/tantrum blur.

thanks for so eloquently sharing exactly what i'm feeling as well! :)

Jamie said...

I'm in that same season... My daughter is 9 months old and still not sleeping through the night. Hugs!

Rachael said...

You're so eloquent.

Danielle of Graydon Avenue Photography said...

"I brew more coffee.
Apply more concealer.
Pray in deep breaths,
And push through."

...is going to be my new mantra on my crazy weeks of little REST.

I am praying for you today.
in deep breaths.