August 17, 2011

When the Jungle Drums Stop Pounding.

There are days when I can totally picture myself having another child. (In the not-so-near future, of cooooourse.) Then there are the other days in which I am thrilled to have my body (mostly) back to myself and I have a hard time picturing the pregnancy/labor fiasco all over again.


I am happy with three boys. I would be happy with four boys. I would be happy with three boys and a girl!

My husband is not ready to think about such things right this second... you know, because he is sane and possesses all of his faculties and whatnot.



I just really feel more and more confident that I was made for this. Not because I am good at it (guffaw!), but because it feels deeply right that I should be laying down my life in this way for this season. It's like a gut instinct that I am right where I am meant to be... in my home, with these boys.


It's not exactly the life I had always pictured for myself in my head while I was growing up... it's not exactly the life that the world and the media are telling me I should fight for and desire...


...It's only about one bajillion times better.


That's not to say that I don't have days where I want to fly the coop for awhile... get in the car and drive until I feel the jungle drums stop pounding in my head...

I do have those moments. But they are becoming fewer and farther between. Because I no longer feel the need to chase anything "greater". What I am doing in my home with these boys IS great! How could I have ever believed that this was...not enough? That I needed to contribute more and be more and do more in order to be... seen? Valued? Worthwhile?


It is a miracle that those jungle drums have ceased pounding through all of my days. They were driving me to a breaking point. I used to wake to them every morning and fight my way back to sleep through them at night.


I don't know exactly when they stopped hammering... those drums of war... but in their absence I can finally hear the truth:

I was made for this. It may not be easy and my life may not be featured on the cover of any glam magazine anytime soon... heck, I live in Oklahoma in a small brick house on a quiet little street... but what my life may be lacking in flash & pizazz, it more than makes up for in richness and depth. This simple life has deep churning oceans of eternal worth.


And there is nowhere else I'd rather be.

25 comments:

Bethany said...

Wonderful!! You give me hope that when I have kids I will too feel like I was made for motherhood. Your boys are so precious. I bet they'll change the world.

SUPAHMAMA! said...

Fabulous, FABULOUS post! I've never been able to put a word to how I felt for years after my first child was born. And like you, I go back and forth on having more because I was very much built for this. THIS is exactly where I'm meant to be. Thank you for sharing!

Manda said...

I think you do an amazing job putting into words what so many mothers feel. I read along, nodding my head, thinking "Amen Sister!"
{I too used to think about having another baby right after having a baby - and I was like I am craaaazy!!}
Also - love the batman photo! And the hats - too cute!

Jessi said...

Oh my goodness.. that last photo of the boys together just melted my heart. Like really, it's in a puddle on the floor. And it brought tears to my eyes! You inspire me to be a better mom. I love hearing how God strengthens and encourages you. Thank you.

girl willow said...

Oh.so.good!! Thank you for sharing once again and putting into words many of my own "heart thoughts." Precious, precious pictures too!

keely steger said...

Your posts are always so honest and so right.where.I.am. Thanks for sharing your heart.

marla said...

i was just laying in bed thinking about the very same thing. this, motherhood, just feels so...right. i was created, molded...for this. and is that a little braid i spy? adorable.

Katy said...

Honestly emery, there is this part of me that refuses to believe that I could ever be a stay at home. When I read your blog, I truly believe that that is something I want to do. You are inspiring and honest and your life seems so true and real and blessed. Thanks for being so inspiring. ;-)

p.s. how is Ezra so grown up?!? holy MACKEREL!

nelson said...

LOVE this. Purpose is written all over you.

Todd and Meagan said...

You say so many of the things that I think in my own head- the good and the bad. Thanks for making me feel like I am not alone in my emotional little brain. :)

Charlotte said...

You are growing so much this season. It's a beautiful thing to see.

That picture of the four of you in the trucker hat is so cute! Also, Myer looks so old.

Catherine Gikas said...

Amen, Sister! This exactly what my heart has been screaming this past month. :) And, as always, you say it so well.

Molly said...

What a beautiful post!

The batman picture is priceless.

anna joy said...

"Because I no longer feel the need to chase anything "greater". ...." so good, for where i am at too. love this. thank you thank you thank you! i always am encouraged by your posts (if you didnt notice!) <3 annajoy

Reading Resources said...

Lovely pictures and awesome photography.

Chelsea said...

what we're doing in raising our kiddos IS great indeed. You're right about that! AnD THANKS for reminding me of it!
You do a fantastic job of it.

your boys are such stud muffins <3

Chicago Mom (Heather) said...

You have a beautiful life. It doesn't matter where or how you live, it's how much LOVE you have and you have tons!

Anonymous said...

You should listen to those drums - they are telling you something. Life can be busy, if not exhausting, with young children. But you are more than a mother. When I read your post my immediate impression was that you thought that life was about choices. On that point I agree. Where we differ is that I do not think that it is about choosing one thing over another. Go further, not just spiritually, but in the physical world. It is out there to explore. Push yourself, realise your other ambitions and dreams. These boys are a blessing, but there is obviously more than Mum and Wife Emery. You are right to question and challenge. I feel that you have lost confidence and have muffled the Jo that is a few layers down. There is nothing wrong with being restless, it is this restlessness that pushes us outside our comfort zone.

MJG said...

You brought tears to my eyes...I guess it doesn't help that I'm pregnant (o: but I'm a mother of a 2 1/2 yr old little boy with another on the way. I too am blessed by your words; words that so accurately reflect where a mother's heart needs to rest. I am starting a woman's study at my church next month that talks about thriving as a godly woman in this crazy do-it-all world...This post is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart.

Mandy said...

You are a beautiful, beautiful person- inside and out... and I wish you lived closer... I would love to get coffee and talk! But- I will settle on gobbling up your wonderful, encouraging, good for my soul blog posts every week.

Love,
Mandy

Jessie said...

This post is so beautiful because you are always so honest about your struggles. I think seeing you rise above them has such an impact on me as a mom, because I read and felt those struggles right along with you. You have given me such inspiration, and motivation to be the best mother I can be. Please don't ever stop doing this. Your blog + my morning coffee is the only way I want to start my days. Thank you. :)

Anonymous said...

Doodad says--Emery-do you know how beautiful you have been looking lately? There just seems to be a serene confidence there that is very becoming on you . Love You Dad

Alison said...

Emery, thanks for sharing your life here -- the ups and downs and ins and outs. What an encouragement your blog is. I think you are courageous, and you inspire me.

Freddie and Haley said...

Hi Emery,

my name is Haley and you dont know me. In fact I live in California. I follow Cameron Ingalls photography blog b/c we sent to high school together, he is so talented and he takes a lot of our mutual friends pics so I like to see. Anyway, he mentioned your blog on his and I started reading and I just love it! I am pregnant with my 2nd child and I an so relate to so many of your posts. I work full time at a church and also raise my son and soon new baby. I worked for NBC for 3 years before having kids and I have so mnay friends that give me the you went from working in the entertainment world to being amom and working for a church? how boring? -speach and I just wanted to say thank you for this post. Its nice to be reminded that we are RIGHT where God wants us right now. I am actually going to feature you on my blog if you dont mind. its ourmilliganmoments.blogspot.com. I will wait till I have heard that you are ok with that to post. Thank you again.

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