June 28, 2011

In the Unlikely Places.



I went to church on Sunday and found just what I needed in the most unexpected of places.

It wasn't in the sermon (although that was amazing and powerful too). It wasn't during worship (although that was so very beautiful and sweet). It wasn't even in the ministry time afterwards where you can go and get prayer for any specific hurts you may be carrying.

No. It was in the nursing mother's room.

That little cozy nook with all the soft lighting and rocking chairs and changing tables... I found the grace I desperately needed tucked away there, of all places.

I went to feed Truman before the sermon began, and ended up talking with some of the other women in my community who are also up to their EYEBALLS in small children. And I don't know exactly how to explain it, but I left that room feeling like there were people in this world who actually understood how I have been feeling lately... like there were ears who HEARD me and eyes that were sparkling with compassion and empathy and kindness as I was able to voice some of my rumbling frustrations. It felt so good to be honest and laugh and be real- all of us gliding back and forth on comfy cushions with squirmy babies under soft blankets in our arms.

What a beautiful and surprising place to meet God.

I have been having a very hard time knowing how to parent my six year old well lately. He is a very intense kid- always needing attention and direction and... ATTENTION. He has a very hard time being still or quiet. He has really powerful emotions at the drop of a hat. I have found myself completely exasperated by his behavior. It's Summer, he's around the house more, there is very little structure to our days (due to BABY and whatnot) and it is literally too hot to step outside. I know all of these things are contributing factors, and it has been so hard for me to see the sweet, well-meaning child that I know he really is at heart.



Before I went to church on Sunday, I felt myself spiraling down the old familiar path of believing lies about who I am as a woman and a mother. I am so grateful for the things I have walked through and learned in these last few years, because just being able to RECOGNIZE this struggle of mine is a serious victory in my life. I spent all of the day Saturday battling against it-- gaining ground for an hour or two, losing ground for four, fighting my way back for twenty minutes, and so on...

If I have learned anything in these battles it is that there is ONE path I can choose that will get me out of this spiral the fastest. The quicker I am to acknowledge the fact that I am believing lies over God's truth about me and my life and then repent- swiftly replacing those lies with what God says is true, the quicker I feel like myself again.

For example, I can sit on my sofa and pout and stew because Ezra is driving me batty and won't leave me alone or I can rise up and remind myself that God has given me all that I need to parent this child and I can ask Him to show me what is really going on with Ezra that is making him behave the way he is. And I can ask Him to strengthen me and help me.



So I was battling all this on Saturday and feeling stuck- all because I was believing that I was a bad mom for feeling soooooo frustrated and angry at my six year old... feeling like I didn't even like him. With these thoughts came the feeling of failure and worthlessness as a mother... I felt like I was the only mom in the history of ever who had ever had these kinds of thoughts towards her own child. I knew these were lies, but I still felt like... a monster.

But when I talked with those other moms on Sunday who had been in that same place that I was, I felt the lies break off of me and suddenly I could breathe again. I am NOT alone. We talked about how important it was to spend time with God everyday... because then HIS love will flow out of us and soak our children. I was impressed again with how important community really is in all of this. We were not created to live in our own little bubbles! We will die if we cut ourselves off from each other.

When I left that room on Sunday, both Truman and I were filled up to the brim. :) I am so grateful for God meeting me right where I needed to be met- in the most practical place for a busy mama like me- right in the middle of one of the only moments where I get to actually SIT DOWN and have a conversation without being interrupted a majillion times... when I am nursing at church! I had just been telling Chris how I've felt so disconnected from my friends lately because it is almost impossible to have an actual conversation with anyone (much less a deep and meaningful one) when there are three children needing me and yelling for me and hanging on me every moment of the day. I can hardly even hear myself think!

It was just so hand-crafted for my tired and thirsty heart. (and my tired and thirsty baby. heh.) God sees me, and knows me, and is MORE than able to meet my needs in creative ways... I just have to keep my eyes open and I'm sure He will continue to meet me in surprising and unlikely places. What grace!

13 comments:

Jamie said...

I was very encouraged by this. Thanks :-)

Jessi said...

"We talked about how important it was to spend time with God everyday... because then HIS love will flow out of us and soak our children."

This was such a wonderful reminder of why we need to be intentional about our time with the Lord. Thank you.

ps- what a coincidence, I blogged about community today too :)

Rebekah said...

Beautiful! That is so wonderful, too, that your church has a nursing area and there are other moms around. I started seeking church again after having my son, so that I could have a protected space and time to connect with God and have calm and purpose and inspiration. But taking a baby to church meant I spent the whole hour walking the halls alone, and not in the service! It made me really sad, because I desperately wanted the comfort of a service, and instead I was changing diapers on the floor outside. It took a long time, but we finally got the hang of it.

Your post is a good reminder that we find that peace and reassurance in unlikely (actually, quite likely but unexpected) places. Thanks for the wonderful post! I loved it! I only have one child - so I can only imagine how hectic and stressful it can get with three (at home, in the summer, with a baby too).

Kristina H. said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE this!! and it's SO true!! i have been there...my babies are now 9, 6 1/2, 5, and 3 1/2 and i'm finding myself more and more often in the role of encourager to the young sleepless overwhelmed mamas...seeing clearly the need to STOMP OUT the LIES and to speak the Truth to these beautiful ladies...thank you for sharing :)

Nikki said...

I miss the nursing moms room...there's so much grace in there!

Meghan Elaine said...

I love this. You're so not alone! I have two year old twins and my son is challenging me every day. Thank you for reminding me to bring my frustration to God...because I don't have the patience on my own.

nelson said...

Your perspective is SO encouraging. Thank you for writing honestly & giving the rest of us hope. You are a beautiful, godly woman.

Anne said...

That was a much needed read today! Thanks Em. Love you and your honesty.

littlemama said...

Love it! He met us BOTH right where we were at. I felt the same and I have felt more grace to mother in the last few days because of it. It was cool how Tom was talking about faith being about three things: God's word, the Holy Spirit and community. Praying for faith to rise up in all of us sleep deprived, exhausted mommies :) Kacie.

Rachael said...

Beautifully written post, as always. And also as always (alliteration much?), filled with insight that's applicable to the rest of our lives. I've definitely been in my own bubble and while it's not children I'm up to my eyeballs in, I'm definitely struggling to keep my head up which makes me feel like I have less time for God which is soooo backwards. Thanks for reminding me of the truth.

KillerB said...

Lovely post and lovely pics!

You're so wise and you have such a beautiful family -- thanks for the peek!

sunshine and happiness said...

I look so forward to reading your new posts, Emery. You are so full of wisdom and inspiration to all those reading your blog!!! I always take great comfort in hearing what you have to write about :) Thank you x

Lindsey said...

I can so relate! Thank you for your honesty & encouragement!