Well, maybe not a million, but at least one more.
(disclaimer: not pregnant.)
We dream of having a little girl some day...
Chris' eyes fill with tears every single time he thinks of her.
We know she's out there somewhere. Some day.
Her name will be a constant reminder that He can make ALL things new. Even things that are so heavy with old that you're sure they can never budge an inch... You're sure you'll be pinned under their weight until the day you die.
But He can take a MOUNTAIN of old habits and pride and wrong thinking and cast it into the sea in an instant.
Jesus gave us all the authority in His name. For such a time as this. The evil things in the spiritual world are under our feet. Not on our shoulders. UNDER OUR FEET! We can command that pile of old, heavy filth to leave its perch, and it will flee. It HAS to because it is weaker than you. Do you believe that?
My twelve years of habits and behaviors towards Chris that seemed so insurmountable to change even last week are no longer daunting. I have believed lies about myself and my husband and my marriage and have based our lives upon those lies. But now I know they aren't true! And I can recognize those lies when they creep back into my ears and tell them to SHUT THE FRIDGE UP.
And they do. They are silenced.
I am not doomed to a life of isolation. I am capable of desire. And intimacy. God made me for those things and they are not gross or wrong or violating. They are good and beautiful and pure. So now I get to build a life on that truth because the lies are... total crap. With no foundation. Overthrown in an instant of faith!
It feels now like the freshness of moving into a new home. You get to rearrange and redecorate and de-clutter. It's hard work packing and moving all your boxes and then sorting through it all and reorganizing it back on the shelves, but there is freedom in it. A new beginning.
This life is forever teaching me that I can never exhaust his mercy. There is no limit on my account.
Every time I open my eyes, every time I take a breath, the tank is filled back up to overflow.
And, as a result, I get to be FREE.