This has been such a season of dismantling in my life. Things are literally and figuratively falling apart everywhere I look. I keep asking God what He's up to, unsure of the deeper truth that all of this upheaval is ultimately pointing to. Yet, in the chaos, I am encouraged to find that not one iota of my faith has trembled. Never before have I felt so sure that God is with me and for me and loves me than in this time of confusion. I know He is up to something and I am just praying that He will bring me all the way through it- no matter what it takes. I will cling to Him until the end. No halvsies this time. No part-way healings. I will not be satisfied until I have heard all that He wants to say to me and has had opportunity to mold and change the stubborn and broken places in my heart that keep dragging me back (kicking and screaming!) to joyless living.
My wedding ring and the ring I wore on my other hand both broke within hours of each other. My hands have never been so bare, in more ways than one. If nothing else, these past few weeks have reminded me that I am empty handed. I bring nothing to God but my naked hands- open to receive His grace and mercy poured out on me who deserves death. Nothing I can do with my hands will make me better in His eyes. I can not earn my way to His love.
Another truth that surfaces as I look down at my bare fingers: when all is said and done, I will stand alone before Him and give account for my life. Chris will not be there. It won't be 'Emery & Chris' before God, it will be 'Emery Josephine' before God. I cannot hide behind my husband and live in the shadow of his relationship with God. It is not enough. I need to RISE UP and step out of the shadow and turn my own face to the blazing sun.
God offers me unconditional acceptance through Jesus. I don't think I have believed Him when He has told me that. I have believed that He was going to eventually tire of me, and so I have held back my heart. Out of protection. Out of fear. And that's a sin, an act of distrust and disobedience.
If I am holding back my heart from GOD- the one who made me and whose love has no shadow of turning, what then have I been offering my husband? The scraps of scraps?
Yes. Mere crumbs.
Forgive me, Lord! How dare I try and protect myself from You? What pride! What arrogance! YOU who gave your Son up to death at the hands of miscreants... for my sake! And yet I have the audacity to shirk from You- even after all these years of Your loving guidance and gentleness towards me!
I want to know what intimacy is. I don't want to feel the need to protect myself from Him anymore. He will never leave me, abandon me, or push me away until I am "better" or "fixed".
I am but a breath! How long will I tarry outside His arms?
His patience with me is inexhaustible.