February 11, 2010

Upheaval.

even the front yard is participating!



This has been such a season of dismantling in my life. Things are literally and figuratively falling apart everywhere I look. I keep asking God what He's up to, unsure of the deeper truth that all of this upheaval is ultimately pointing to. Yet, in the chaos, I am encouraged to find that not one iota of my faith has trembled. Never before have I felt so sure that God is with me and for me and loves me than in this time of confusion. I know He is up to something and I am just praying that He will bring me all the way through it- no matter what it takes. I will cling to Him until the end. No halvsies this time. No part-way healings. I will not be satisfied until I have heard all that He wants to say to me and has had opportunity to mold and change the stubborn and broken places in my heart that keep dragging me back (kicking and screaming!) to joyless living.

My wedding ring and the ring I wore on my other hand both broke within hours of each other. My hands have never been so bare, in more ways than one. If nothing else, these past few weeks have reminded me that I am empty handed. I bring nothing to God but my naked hands- open to receive His grace and mercy poured out on me who deserves death. Nothing I can do with my hands will make me better in His eyes. I can not earn my way to His love.

Another truth that surfaces as I look down at my bare fingers: when all is said and done, I will stand alone before Him and give account for my life. Chris will not be there. It won't be 'Emery & Chris' before God, it will be 'Emery Josephine' before God. I cannot hide behind my husband and live in the shadow of his relationship with God. It is not enough. I need to RISE UP and step out of the shadow and turn my own face to the blazing sun.

God offers me unconditional acceptance through Jesus. I don't think I have believed Him when He has told me that. I have believed that He was going to eventually tire of me, and so I have held back my heart. Out of protection. Out of fear. And that's a sin, an act of distrust and disobedience.

If I am holding back my heart from GOD- the one who made me and whose love has no shadow of turning, what then have I been offering my husband? The scraps of scraps?

Yes. Mere crumbs.

Forgive me, Lord! How dare I try and protect myself from You? What pride! What arrogance! YOU who gave your Son up to death at the hands of miscreants... for my sake! And yet I have the audacity to shirk from You- even after all these years of Your loving guidance and gentleness towards me!

I want to know what intimacy is. I don't want to feel the need to protect myself from Him anymore. He will never leave me, abandon me, or push me away until I am "better" or "fixed".

I am but a breath! How long will I tarry outside His arms?

His patience with me is inexhaustible.

9 comments:

rachaelizabeth said...

really good post...

parts of these truths that i've thought before too are:

*seeing things from an eternal perspective that my life purpose is to know god because i'll only stand before him, not with my family or accomplishments or nice things. just me and him. better get that relationship as my priority now :)

*seeing "bad" things thru his sovereignty - that he is up to something and it's good no matter what it feels like

*all the truths about how god feels about me and sees me...having my foundational beliefs rewired...standing on increasingly hardening sand that'll someday truly be a rock

*he's faithful to complete his work and i want to be willing enough to ask him to be thorough in his healing no matter what that means...we suffer anyway, why not make it all fruitful :)

love your posts :)

The Beckster said...

It's a very brave act to display one's vulnerabilities and fears and private journey on a blog, for the world to see. I don't think I could be so brave, so I feel shy to say this but the what strikes me when I read these posts is this:

You seem very hard on yourself for feeling down, or sad, or dissapointed, or any emotion that is not happy and peaceful -- like its a failure of your personal faith in God to feel sorrowful. But I believe it is part of the human experience to feel all those emotions - God gave us suffering, as well as great joy - and I don't believe it's a sin to feel down, or troubled. God is with us when we feel that way - but he created all those emotions for us to experience for a reason, and if we fight them too much it's almost self destructive. I may be way off base, I just hope that you give yourself credit for all that you are and who you are -- good, bad, and all the rest!

Emery Jo said...

Beckster- I am not saying I feel like a failure for feeling sad, or that it is not okay to feel bummed out. Of course it is okay to feel those things from time to time! I agree with you.

What I am feeling is repentant for sin in my life. Sin that has separated me from God and my husband. It has held me back from loving God like he desires to be loved- with my WHOLE heart.

I have not found sadness in finally coming to place of admitting my wrongs... I have found huge amounts of freedom and grace and peace that I never would have gotten to experience if I had let my pride tell me I was right and that everything was fine!

I am very glad to be facing issues and changing and growing. I think that the true sadness would be in never humbling myself or feeling repentant at all!

a.love said...

I just wanted to say thanks...thanks for so boldly sharing your faith and your truth.
I am amazed how God never wastes anything. He has used the past two months to pull me from a place I had no idea could have been dangerous and brought me to my knees before him.
As painful as the challenges are--as confusing as those moments can be (and endless at times) He is so much louder to me when I admit my NEED for Him!
You ARE before Him now with bare hands and He hears your call louder than even I do.
Be encouraged!

Andrea June said...

Thanks, Emery. This totally speaks to me. It is such a privilege to read about your relationship with God, and it is such a testimony of His goodness.
Love it.

sufferingsummer said...

well said. Though we are all bare before God and will face Him alone knowing we are in the human struggle together as a body brings great joy and comfort amidst the needed growing pains and suffering.
love to you Emery jo.

sheila watson said...

wow..you have a way of making tears stream down my face..beautifully written and i understand what you're saying..i love you em..

Allie Garcia said...

emery, god totally just used you to speak to my heart. "i will stand alone." deep stuff man.

anna joy said...

this made me cry :( / :)

the Lord leads me to your blog at perfect times all the time<3