January 30, 2010

Breaking the Ice.

I can't help but think this ice storm is my fault.

You see, God is doing something huge in my heart. It started a few days ago... something I have been shoving down and running from for 10 years now. Something major that never got properly dealt with... a big pink elephant swept right under the rug.

Under normal circumstances, this thing would continue to sit- just out of sight but so obviously there that my attempts to cover it up seem almost laughable now. Picture an elephant. Under a rug. With a coffee table on top. And perhaps a vase of flowers or a spot of tea perched on top of it all.

Cue the ice storm.

I've been trapped in this house for... days upon days upon days. With my family, my husband. With no where to hide, I have found myself suddenly exposed.

Oh, how it hurts. Oh, how I long to cover it back up and keep pretending it's not really there... dusting around it while shooting resentful sidelong glances it's way every couple of years.

It has to do with intimacy. And the past. Broken trust and long years of masked agony.

In the midst of all this pain, there has been exorbitant amounts of hope and promise. In my mind, God gave me a picture of the current state of my heart. Simply this: there was a dam built up- holding back a huge body of water.

All the freedom I have longed for but felt impossible to attain... just out of my grasp... this is where it has been hiding! Behind THIS wall! And I felt the unmistakable whisper in the deepest places of me:

"Behind this wall there are FLOODS of freedom for you, Emery."

And here it sits... dammed up and tucked away inside a part of me I dared not shed light upon for fear of what I might find. But now that the light has illuminated this abandoned corner of me, I find that there is nothing to be afraid of! I find that there is GRACE and PEACE and KINDNESS.

Instead of harsh judgement and retribution and 'you'll get what you deserve', there is this:

"You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into Light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall."
-ps 18:28,29

Even this wall, yes. Even THIS wall!

I am so anxious for my freedom, I can almost taste it. It feels good to be in a place of expecting big things from God again. There is never a more sorry place for a Christian to be than in a prolonged state of CRUISE CONTROL. If we don't expect big things from God, if we don't leap from our comfort zones on a regular basis, the scenery will never change. It's like we're not allowing God to show His glory through us when we live that way. We live muted lives- dimmed by our own fears of the unknown.

I'm over feeling dimmed down, muted, gripped. I'm ready to be free.

He is so good and kind and gentle. And I am so very grateful to be in His care.


Rachael said...

Wow, you truly spoke to my situation. I'm on the precipice of something super scary and unknown and I've felt like I'm on cruise control. Exciting cruise control but still just planned out, going along, doing what's next or right, etc ...cruise control.
I will pray for you in this new exciting turn of your life!

Anonymous said...

this is very exciting!!!
it will be amazing...blessings to you on this journey
freedom awaits you!
love and light

Anonymous said...

I was reading this publication from the rector of the church I attend and thought of you and this entry. Read page 2 please (: