September 14, 2008


I wanted to take a few days to let the idea of another boy sink in before I wrote anything about it here. I wanted to have a few days of shifting gears from "the baby" or "it"... to "Him" and "He". I needed a few days to adjust my thinking.

I had been so set on a girl this whole time, I had gone there in my head and swooned over little dresses and hair bows and the thought of seeing my husband cradling a pink bundle in his strong arms...

So, I took some time to wrap my mind around this baby boy. It's still wrapping its way around.

My initial reaction, when I saw those three letters on the card, was sadness. It wasn't a crushing sadness by any means, but more of a "letting go of something I very much wanted" sadness... but it only lasted for about 4 minutes. Chris and I looked at each other and smiled and talked about what we were feeling. I mourned the loss of a PERFECT girl name (and also the complete lack of a favored boy name) and all those little dresses and the special mother-daughter bond. He lifted my spirits and talked of the strengthening bond of brotherhood that Ezra would get to experience and I thought about the equally special mother-son love I'd get to have again.

I felt pretty sad about it right up until the very moment I shared the news with someone. And, ironically enough, the first person to find out what we were having wasn't a family member or a friend, but the owner of the coffee shop we were sitting in.

She noticed I was pregnant, and so naturally, the very next question from her lips was "Do you know what you're having?"

I told her it was a boy and I showed her the little black & white pictures I was cradling, and almost instantly the sadness lifted and I could feel nothing but giddy excitement. Exactly like when you fall in love for the first time. Suddenly there were butterflies in my stomach and I had the desire to do a cartwheel right there in the coffee shop.

Sharing the news with family and friends only cemented this joy in my heart. Every time the word "Boy" left my mouth, I felt more and more sure that this was exactly what was meant to be.

The next morning I was wide awake before the sun even came up because I was just too excited to sleep.

Since then, it has been a typical adjustment of ups and downs. Mostly ups. But there have been a few moments when I feel the loss of something creep into my heart for a second or two.

This sadness, just like anything in this life, is softened by the knowledge that God knows EXACTLY what He is doing at all times, and that I generally have no stinking clue.

It is also softened by the overwhelming hope of the unknown future- the realization that I'm ALWAYS in good Hands, and that this amazing baby boy was chosen, crafted, and designed specifically for me and my family by those very same fingers.


stina said...

ahh so good

Angie said...

Oh, what a wonderful post. So many times, people pretend like its not ok to hope for a gender. I was hoping for a second girl, so that my daughter would have a sister. In no way was I disappointed with my son (we found out at his birth), but I was a little sad that I wouldn't be able to watch sisters. I don't think I had my heart set on it, and there possibly would have been some disappointment if I'd had a boy, too.

And, oh, the falling in love with new life is so wonderful. Reading this post made me understand a little more why people find out the gender. I always thought that I would be disappointed that I didn't get a surprise at the end. Reading this, I think you just get a different bond before the birth.

Thanks for writing this.

l e a h said...

Isn't our creator marvelous?

Jen said...

I've been reading your blog for awhile now but I've never left a comment. I just love your last paragraph! So beautiful!!

Congrats on your precious baby BOY!!

Candace said...

Amen! It is so true in every aspect of our lives, HE knows EXACTLY what we need at all times! Thank you for the reminder I so often need!

Yeah for another nephew!!!!

Daniele H said...

Congratulations!! You will definitely have a blast with two boys. Having boys is a lot of fun and I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world. Watching the boys grow up and play together is great and their bond is so strong. Congratulations, again and great post!

Laura said...

Lovely, and very inspirational. I still have a hard time with the "boy" concept. I have never quite gotten over it. I have never really experienced the "mother-son love" that people talk about. I am forever seeking peace about this, about God's PERFECT plan and my own shame in doubting it.

Cheatwoods said...

what a blessing, how can you argue with what God has fo ryou! You described perfectly how I felt, and then how much joy I got an dhonestly if I found out it was amistake id be bummed, I am having a boy and I have my heart set on it! Bless you good mama

Soderin Family said...

well said!

Tanya said...

People always say 'as long as its healthy' which I fully believe and will remember. (when I finally get pregnant)

One of each would be lovely though.

Little girls are special and little boys are amazing.

I have a stepson so I really would like a girl too but whatever happens happens.

Your little boy is going to have a baby brother to look after. A brother to wrestle with and to stick up for at school.

lorieloo said...

amazing. you're so correct and I so appreciate your honesty. I know I'd feel the same way.
I'm so excited to meet this little boy, to see who he is and who he is to become.

God is perfect, and the plans He has for us are perfect.

And isn't perfectly amazing?

I'm so happy for you!

oh and are you willing to share your perfect girl name or are you going to save it?

Sta said...

I had to mourn the idea of having a daughter when I found out I was having a boy last February. I can't say I accepted the news quite as quickly as you did. However long it takes, whether it's a few days or weeks or until you see him for the first time, I think is OK. It's only human to hope and dream, right?

For me, I'd say it took a few weeks to accept the idea of a son. I got over it in much the same fashion you did -- by realizing that God was orchestrating everything. And by praying, admitting my disappointment. That's a totally healthy thing to do. Also, I found out at the same ultrasound that he probably had a heart defect, so the disappointment that he was a "he" was nothing compared to the worry that something was wrong.

Karen said...

i love how you were "cradling" those little black and white pictures... your words paint such beautiful pictures. congratulations on another beautiful boy. :-)

Emily said...

When I was pregnant with my son I was convinced I was having a girl. I had the whole scenario imagined. I was beyond disappointed when I found out I was wrong (at the 20 week ultrasound), but the minute he was born all of my disappointment disappeared. I really wanted to have another boy soon so he would have a brother. Eighteen months later I had my little girl. I have to say I was disappointed then too, but now I really couldn't imagine it differently. I know God has a much better plan than I do. You are blessed to have two little guys - and they will be so blessed to have each other! Now I'm trying to decide if they need another brother and a sister =).

Adriane said...

Congratulations! My heart feels joy and excitement for you guys, and for this precious baby boy that will soon bless our community. Thank you for your sweet and honest words... they are inspiring.

molly june. said...

EEEEK! a BOY!!! i was kinda thinkin' boy for you...i don't know why! at least it wasn't twin boys! HA!! :) i want a boy soon! you hear me Lord, a BOY!! jk.

p.s. sorry for not commenting in a looong time...hope you still remember me..a little.

travis and hayley said...

i have been reading your blog for a while now, but never posted a comment. i have really enjoyed your creativity and your honesty about life. i am actually pregnant with our first baby and i have no idea if it is a boy or girl. but i was curious...if you are willing to share...what was your perfect girl name?