September 14, 2008
I wanted to take a few days to let the idea of another boy sink in before I wrote anything about it here. I wanted to have a few days of shifting gears from "the baby" or "it"... to "Him" and "He". I needed a few days to adjust my thinking.
I had been so set on a girl this whole time, I had gone there in my head and swooned over little dresses and hair bows and the thought of seeing my husband cradling a pink bundle in his strong arms...
So, I took some time to wrap my mind around this baby boy. It's still wrapping its way around.
My initial reaction, when I saw those three letters on the card, was sadness. It wasn't a crushing sadness by any means, but more of a "letting go of something I very much wanted" sadness... but it only lasted for about 4 minutes. Chris and I looked at each other and smiled and talked about what we were feeling. I mourned the loss of a PERFECT girl name (and also the complete lack of a favored boy name) and all those little dresses and the special mother-daughter bond. He lifted my spirits and talked of the strengthening bond of brotherhood that Ezra would get to experience and I thought about the equally special mother-son love I'd get to have again.
I felt pretty sad about it right up until the very moment I shared the news with someone. And, ironically enough, the first person to find out what we were having wasn't a family member or a friend, but the owner of the coffee shop we were sitting in.
She noticed I was pregnant, and so naturally, the very next question from her lips was "Do you know what you're having?"
I told her it was a boy and I showed her the little black & white pictures I was cradling, and almost instantly the sadness lifted and I could feel nothing but giddy excitement. Exactly like when you fall in love for the first time. Suddenly there were butterflies in my stomach and I had the desire to do a cartwheel right there in the coffee shop.
Sharing the news with family and friends only cemented this joy in my heart. Every time the word "Boy" left my mouth, I felt more and more sure that this was exactly what was meant to be.
The next morning I was wide awake before the sun even came up because I was just too excited to sleep.
Since then, it has been a typical adjustment of ups and downs. Mostly ups. But there have been a few moments when I feel the loss of something creep into my heart for a second or two.
This sadness, just like anything in this life, is softened by the knowledge that God knows EXACTLY what He is doing at all times, and that I generally have no stinking clue.
It is also softened by the overwhelming hope of the unknown future- the realization that I'm ALWAYS in good Hands, and that this amazing baby boy was chosen, crafted, and designed specifically for me and my family by those very same fingers.
at 8:23 AM