Remember when I used to be a good little blogger and I would write WORDS here?
Here's what I am finding as of late: my creativity has shifted momentarily away from writing. Lately I have been working on songwriting and playing shows and leading music. It's like a giant guitar monster came and grabbed the pencil from my hand and snapped it in two over his monster guitar knee.
And when I sit down to write here, I feel... all emptied out. Like I took all my words and shoved them into an instrument.
And this is perfectly okay. I know that. I'm just letting you all know where the heck I've been.
I have also been pouring more creativity into fashion lately. I have recently subscribed to about 1,000,000 fashion blogs, and I love being able to see what fashionable girls all over the world are wearing. I have started a fashion blog of my own. And I've been working on my vintage website. And all of this is fun fun fun!
At the end of the day, however, I find myself creatively sapped and I end up using words like "fun fun fun!" to describe the things that I am passionate about to you. Can you ever forgive me? I know that you all carve a moment of precious time from your days to come visit me here, and I have the audacity to fill that time with "fun fun fun's!".
Oh, the nerve!
ANYWHO. Moving on.
Have I told you that the past two weeks have pretty much been the best weeks of my life ever?
Two weeks ago, I made a decision to say "No" to anti-depressant medication. I was nervous about that decision. I had no idea if I was going to spiral further downwards into sorrow, or if taking that step of faith would catapult me into unknown heights of joy.
It appears that the latter has happened. I have never known such joy. It's a joy that is not founded on circumstances. (For those haven't changed one bit.) It's a joy that fills my heart simply because I took a blind leap of desperate faith and decided to trust in the God that has promised to rebuild me from the ground up. I feel like He's laying a foundation in me right now. And it's not a boring old concrete slab foundation, either. It's a foundation made of flashing blue sapphires and deep red rubies... one that will support me for the rest of my life. What lucky feet I have! To be standing on such beauty!
This is not to say that I don't lose my cool every now and again. I do. VERY OFTEN. I still have moments of absolute frustration at my stubborn, whiny three year old who refuses to poop or do any other reasonable thing that I ask him to do. And I still have moments of feeling overwhelmed by the simplest of tasks- like grocery shopping or cleaning the dirty dishes in my sink.
It's just that these moments of frustration and feeling overwhelmed are slowly becoming the minority in my life. They are losing their power. The sparkly moments wash them out with all their light and make them less... convincing somehow.
I am laughing again. At practically everything that moves. Corny TV shows. Bad jokes. Embarrassingly awful puns. 'Tommy Boy' movie quoting sessions. Ezra. Chris. MYSELF.
I probably wouldn't have even noticed this slow return of laughter into my life if I didn't have the face of my precious husband to alert me of its comeback. When I laugh, his eyes light up and he looks at me like I'm an old friend he hasn't seen in years. It makes me blush. And it makes me want to cry. And so I laugh some more.
You guys... God is so good. He has all of this and more for every single one of us. He wants so badly for our lives to be characterized by joy. And all we have to do is ASK Him for it.
What word do you feel characterizes your life right now?
If you're feeling flat, stuck, hopeless... start with the asking. In the quietness of your heart, just ask for joy. "Lord, give me joy."
Oh, He will move mountains to bring it to you.