April 14, 2008
I am slowly but surely learning how to pick my life back up again.
About three months ago, Chris took me out to dinner and told me that he could tell I wasn't functioning like I used to... that something was too heavy on my shoulders and I wasn't the vibrant, happy person that I used to be.
He then graciously offered to take over ALL of the grocery shopping and cooking until I could get myself better- because he knew that those were two of the biggest causes of stress for me. (I know, I know... tough life. Some people in the world have to worry about not having enough food to make it through the day-- and here I am, getting overwhelmed by having to buy and cook whatever I want. Lame-sauce.)
Three months ago, I reluctantly agreed to let him help me. We agreed it would only be for a season- mostly so I wouldn't be crushed by the guilt of piling my responsibilities onto my (already busy) husband's shoulders for an unknown amount of time. So... for three months, he has been doing all of the grocery shopping and cooking. And he hasn't complained ONCE.
He's my hero. I can honestly say that not having to stress about cooking/shopping has helped me more than anything else could have during this difficult time. Just feeling taken care of- knowing that he was rooting for me and willing to help in any way possible- has helped spur me on to acknowledge that, ONE, I was not okay, and TWO, I needed to take some time for myself.
It's been hard for me to receive this help from him. I was wracked with guilt pretty much every evening around 5 o'clock, when I should have been getting dinner ready- or when I'd open our cupboards up and see that a trip to the store was in order. I felt like a horrible wife. But Chris was constantly reassuring me that he was happy to do it... and that I didn't need to feel bad or ashamed about requiring some help.
The milestone: Yesterday, I went grocery shopping. And I cooked dinner last night. And I've decided to step back into all of this slowly-- I'm going to start cooking on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And it will probably be frozen pizza dinners for awhile, but at least it's something. And I know that I could absolutely not be in the place where I'm at now if it weren't for Chris' support, so I wanted to say 'Thank You' to him publicly.
I'm learning to live life from a completely different place. It's a place of gratitude and awareness of all the good I have around me. And I've found nothing that can sum up this new attitude better than what my precious cowboy neighbor shared with us the other day.
Ever since we moved into this house, we have seen this guy walk past our house once or twice a day. He walks at a somewhat brisk pace, and he always has a smile on his face. He walks with a limp. And, without fail, he has on his cowboy boots.
We have always wondered why this man walks every single day in such seemingly uncomfortable shoes. It never made sense to us. I mean, why not buy a pair of comfy sneakers, you know?
One day, Chris and our neighbor struck up a conversation. And our neighbor told him about how he'd had polio as a young boy, and how they once thought that he would never ever walk again because the disease had twisted him so badly.
He explained that the cowboy boots he wears are fitted with a special brace that helps him walk.
And, the reason that he walks every day?
BECAUSE HE CAN.
I long to live with that kind of gratitude. That's what makes a life full.
at 2:01 PM