February 22, 2008
I've realized that the thing that holds me and pushes against me day after day is not much more than plain ol' apathy. That's my enemy. And if I don't start taking steps to knock the weight of it off of me, it's going to pin me down completely and lay me flat.
How do I stop being apathetic? I pray and I step. Pray and step. Pray and step. Till I'm standing somewhere new and I have no choice but to acclimate to my new surroundings.
But... also? I'm tired of constantly feeling like I'm not doing enough. I haven't had a break from this self-imposed pressure for as long as I can remember being alive. And, heck, maybe by some people's standards, I'm really not doing enough, but I think I'm pretty much through with living by the criteria of what I imagine other people think of when they look at me.
I'm a mom. I'm a writer. I'm a musician. I'm a fashionista. And for now? Stick a fork in me, I'M DONE.
Because, who knows what the future will bring? Fashionably late educations? High pressure careers? Fancy parties? Relentless travel? Non-stop here and theres?
But wait, aren't I forgetting something very important here? Ah, yes... I could be gone tomorrow! How lame would it be if I spent all my todays waiting for them to "improve" into tomorrows already? And then when it was my very very last today, I'd be all, "Well, crap. Should have lived differently." THE END. Roll credits.
I have a feeling that if I don't enjoy what's been put in front of me now, I will kick myself for it later. This doesn't mean allowing myself to hole up in my house all day everyday- fearing the worst at all times. No! This means... grabbing hold of what I've been given and pouring all that I have into it. Being faithful with the small things and truly grateful for the honor of being entrusted with them. Even if the sum of those things seems small to others. There's more beauty in doing one or two things really well than being spread so thin that everything starts to look... economical.
There is a very fine balance between falling into total apathy and "doing" just for the sake of "Hey! Look at me! I'm DOING! Weeee!"
I'm trying to find that magical balancing point in my own life in all of this, and I think that if I'd take a moment to really think about it, I'd see that it's been right under my nose this whole time. Just waiting for me to acknowledge the greatness of this simple little life I've been given.
Lord, smother me with contentment. I want to soak in it like a hot tub until I'm pruned up and (oh, finally!) deep down grateful.
at 7:30 PM