I got up this morning with a stomach ache due to a night of toss-and-turn stress & worry. Sometime in the wee hours of the night, I woke up and suddenly realized that, hey! Bringing Ezra to the leader's retreat this weekend is sooooooo not going to work at all! What was I thinking? Have I completely lost my mind? Have I forgotten that I own a toddler? A toddler who would make a 'retreat' of organized workshops/worship times feel more like a disaster of biblical proportions? And also, where have my sunglasses disappeared to? Did I leave them on that park bench last week?
So, I didn't get much sleep. And I've been stressed out all day- pretty much resigning myself to the fact that I will no longer be attending the retreat that I have been desperately looking forward to all these weeks. And whose fault is this again? MINE. I suck at forward thinking. I suck at planning ahead. I'm utter crap when it comes to an organized, scheduled lifestyle. I'm much more of a 'fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants' kind of gal, which works GREAT as long as you don't have to do things like arrange for childcare or become a responsible adult before you one day realize you're 30 years old and still bringing your laundry to mom's house on the weekends.
(Not that there's anything wrong with that. No, wait, there IS something really wrong with that. Moving on...)
As of now, I'm trying not to dive headlong into Lake Pity Me, but I'm definitely cooling my toes in its waters and contemplating a quick dip. Having a child requires a lot of sacrifice. And living a life of unorganized chaos makes one tired. And late for things. (That is assuming, of course, that one remembers to show up at all.)
Really, I'm okay with sacrifice for the most part. But when the sacrifice is required simply because I FORGOT to actually think practically about what it would look like to drag Ezra along on a retreat- a retreat that Chris and I are meant to be leading worship for- then the sacrifice becomes much more difficult to bear. Because it's served with a heaping side of shame and embarrassment, and a nice tall glass of 'It's Nobody's Fault But Your Own'.
So, for now, it looks like I will be staying home while Chris goes to the retreat. (Drums are much more important than Background Vocals, so, he goes and I stay.) I will most likely spend the weekend nursing my wounds and repeatedly kicking myself in the buttocks. (Metaphorically speaking, of course. I'm not that limber.)
Can I end by just saying, for the record, that I miss the days when life moved at a much slower pace? When cell phones were non-existent, and if someone wasn't home you just left a message? I don't feel like I'm cut out for this rat-race world. I feel like I was cut from a different cloth. I think that life, for the most part, should be pretty kicked back and relaxed. I don't want to feel like I'm a bad person simply because my day planner isn't my best friend. I don't think it's healthy or good for someone to be expected to answer the phone 24/7, just because it fits in their pocket. I'm not saying I think it's okay to be irresponsible, of course, but I just don't think we're meant to live and work under such constant NOISE, such uninterrupted hustle & bustle.
Maybe that is all just a cop-out on my part, but I just personally liked it when the world seemed much larger... when things were less instantaneous, and you waited eagerly by your mailbox for a response from your penpal who lived halfway across the world- in a magical land called Phoenix, Arizona.
It reminds me of a slogan I saw written on the side of a building up in Kansas City a couple of weeks ago. It was a store that sold perscription eye-glasses. This slogan really stuck with me and brought a whispered "Amen" to my lips when I drove by it. It said:
"We promise to take more than one hour on your glasses!"
Preach it, mom and pop eyeglass shop! Way to take a stand against the Walmarts of the world! Oh, and BTW, do you validate?
7 comments:
amen to that! amen!
and here's my sermon-to coincide with yours:
i have been so busy....this whole year-struggling to keep up with the ever-changing industry that i am in that i am now feeling like my throat is closing up. i used to enjoy the fast-paced world that i am now fighting to stay in that now it's getting difficult to breathe under this pressure. and it would be alright with me if the whole technilogically advanced world came crashing down for a few days, weeks-dare i say it-years. i could use a little dose of the early 80's again, ya know?
am i being a total retard when i ask...wouldnt they have some sort of day care or kids program at this retreat??
and also emery you lie...you are sooo limber enough to kick yourself in the butt, i am positive!
I am SO with you, Emery! I wish life weren't so crazy and hectic and that I could just spend my days playing my guitar, riding my horse, gardening, and making amazing family-style dinners. Oh, yes, I could definitely be a backwoods country mom.
I've been learning a lot more about being organized and staying on top of things this year...and I noticed that I sleep better at night when I'm on top of things. Hmmm....maybe it's possible to be organized and prepared without having to subscribe to the everyday craziness of this life. But I'm not sure how yet.
Maybe.
i just want to live in a teepee and eat corn and play with bears and foxes
Emery...I would hate for you to give up this weekend that you have been anticipating for such a long time. Take someone with you to watch Ezra while you are busy with the retreat. Do you have a teenage babysitter or single friend you could take? Pay them to watch "little man". Buy your mom an airline ticket and have her meet you there. It is late but not impossible. I hope you go.
yeah alright!! National no cell phone or computer day! woohooo! I smell a petition!
Maybe I'm alone, but I love the fast pace hustle and bustle. Sure its overwhelming at times but how comforting is it that we can all be in touch regardless of the miles and contact our loved ones at any time of day or night. Maybe its abused at times, maybe a little exessive, but its here to stay and will probably get more busy. It doesn't have to be a day planner, maybe a calendar on the fridge. Heck, we grew up with those. You choose how much is on that calendar and you choose your commitments but I sure love the revolution. I love being able to do something with my day and not being expected to be the 50's style wife and mother. Imagine the stress in that!
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