April 13, 2007

Worth The Wait.

There's nothing quite so wonderful as waking up to the rumble of a big, fat Oklahoma Thunderstorm. I love them. The more they rattle my little house, the better. If I could pick any weather to wrap myself in most often, it would definitely be the soppy gray days for sure... I don't know why, but weather like this just calms me and makes me feel happy, grounded, and content. I'm trying to soak up these days like a sponge because I know that Summer will be here before I know it, and I will revert back to cranky, complain-y Emery in the blink of an eye. Last Summer, it was 108 degrees for TWO months solid and I think the sun burned away part of my soul. Or at least it *singed* it a little. heh.

A couple of days ago, Ezra looked me directly in the face and said "MaMa" when I asked him who I was. My heart bounded into my throat and I snatched him up in my arms and spun him around and around until we both collapsed on the floor in a dizzy, laughing pile of love.

Then I gave him some YoGos to seal the deal.

I cannot even tell you how much this word, spoken with such confidence and sweetness, blessed me.

Consonant. Vowel. Consonant. Vowel. Bonds growing stronger with one little word... A deeper discussion has never been held.

Would it be OK to let you know that the 'instant motherly bond' you so often hear about has instead been more of a long, slow, uphill process for me? I have loved my son from the beginning, but have struggled to find that place of love that overwhelms and comes before the all-consuming self. I have nodded my head and smiled as I have heard other mothers describing this instant love to me, and I have felt far away and wondered if I was broken on the inside. Unworthy? Unmotherly? Ungrateful?

I'm not saying that Ezra finally calling me 'MaMa' was the final straw to push me into that limitless love... But I can say it was a straw with surprising weight, and I'm closer to that place of selfless love than I've ever been before. Does this sound like crazy talk? Are you all thinking "How can one little identifying noun that most kids verbalize (non-stop) before they are 12 months old affect someone so deeply?"

I have always known in my heart that once Ezra started talking and really communicating with me, I would be able to feel closer to him and more connected to him than I ever had before. I am now (just now) realizing that this is why the 'wait for words' has probably felt so long and drawn-out to me.

I LOVE words. Words are the things that get me from the inside to the outside. They are so black & white, so matter-of-fact, yet they can be used so artfully and passionately and beautifully. I need words to express myself and I need words to help me understand. I connect to and receive who people are through their words.

This is just how I'm wired. Some people communicate and receive love best through touch or through quality time. Others through giving or getting gifts; still others through practical demonstrations of love. (acts of service, etc.) I'm a word girl.

So, this basically means that I am bordering on some very exciting territory, here... With every word that Ezra acquires, I will be more able to understand his heart, his mind, his fears, his dreams... I will be more able to comprehend who he is and more able to fall deeper and deeper in love with the person that grew inside of me- from nothing to someone- now standing before me with his 15 foot long eyelashes and a thrifted Boyscout hat perched on the top of his head.

I'm beginning to understand that every single word will be completely worth the wait.


L.A. Daddy said...

I think my bond with my daughter will finally be real, solid, and deep when she's finally able to mow the lawn...

R-becca said...

That l.a. daddy comment is just about the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Glad to hear he's uttering - now you've got to teach him "rebecca" and "let's go to disneyland with her"

Mo-Mar said...

I think Mo-Mar would be the next most natural progression...

Andrea June said...

Hooray!!! I KNEW he'd start talking soon :) I'm so happy for y'all. And, I'm kinda jealous that you get thunderstorms.

Brittany said...

Way to go Ezra! And congrats Mama!

Now i just need to sit back and wait for my turn.... probably won't happen today, though... or tomorrow....

Christy said...

I understand your need to communicate with your baby. It definitely strengthens your bond, regardless of how "instant" your love for him orginally was.

Don't feel "unmotherly" or "unworthy" because of your emotions. I think lots of people feel this way, but are afraid to admit it.

Congratulations on the new word!

nonlineargirl said...

The talking is great. My gal says funny (sometimes on purpose, sometimes not) and adorable things daily. Definitely ups the entertainment factor of life with a toddler.

And about storms - on my one trip to Oklahoma, I witnessed the most intense rainstorm I've ever seen. It was in eastern OK, south of Tulsa and was so impressive - it is a rainstorm forever burned in my memory (and that is saying a lot, given that I live in Oregon where it rains all the time 8 months of the year).

Thanks for stopping by my blog - not sure how I've missed seeing yours before.