March 23, 2007

WalMartian Whiplash.


At Ezra's last appointment, his growth was charted as such:

Height: 50th percentile

Weight: 20th percentile

Head Circumference?: 99TH PERCENTILE.


This explains much; including (but in no way limited to):

-the stretched out necks on every t-shirt he owns.

-the fact that when he turns his head, his whole body rotates.

-his extra smart and large brainy brains.

-and the need for extra face surface to house those gargantuan eyes.


Also, this explains the whiplash he received the other day when he and I were shopping at the Walmart in Reno. (Shannon, you will sympathize with me here.) I had parked at Babies R Us to look for a sticker book to take with us on the flight home, but they didn't have any, so Ezra and I walked right next door to Walmart. I stuck him in a cart and he was a perfect angel in the store. We bought a couple of books for the plane and some snacks and other random items and checked out. I was pushing him in the cart and came to a spot where I had to cross a line of traffic in order to get back over to the Babies R Us where my car was. I was pushing him pretty fast because that's how we roll, when all of the sudden my shopping cart came to a dead halt.

It was like I'd hit an invisible wall... My body slammed into the handle bar of the cart and Ezra's huge noggin flew back and snapped forward again and he started screaming like it had hurt him. I was right-smack in the middle of the street where cars were trying to pull into the parking lot. I tried to pull the cart, push the cart, twist the cart out of the way... but nothing worked. We were mysteriously STUCK and I had a cart full of bags and a screaming toddler and a line of angry, honking cars waiting for me to get out of the middle of the road. My car was only about 15 yards away.

Some younger guys in a car rolled down their window and started making fun of me as I pulled Ezra out of the cart and tried to pile all of my grocery bags onto my other arm. I left the cart where it was and a big angry sweaty man jumped out of his car and glared at me and tried to move my cart out of his way. He couldn't move it either. The cars had to eventually back up and find another way into the lot.

Apparently, Walmart has installed a MAGNETIC FIELD around their parking lot so that no shopping carts can be removed. When I crossed this invisible, UNMARKED line, the wheels of my cart became completely locked down and there was nothing I could do about it. I sure hope Walmart saves enough shopping carts to offset the cost of all the impending lawsuits they are sure to receive.

I've never been more angry in my life. WHO DOES THIS? Especially when they are neighbors to a BABIES R US?! How many moms are trying to push their kids back and forth from one of those stores to the other everyday? RAWR GRR! **insert morally acceptable obscenities here**

...deep breath...

In summary:

Ezra has a giant head, and Walmart has a giant assface.

9 comments:

Misguided Mommy said...

Emery here is the comment you left on my WalMart post

Emery Jo said...

HA! I've never heard of such a thing... Shopping cart traps?? What next?


You can't say I didn't warn you. Now imagine two moms, two kids and a 30lb bag of dog food and 400.00 in groceries between the two of us. Oh yeah and, it was pitch black out! Needless to say, I still growl at the greeters when I walk in.

Stephanie said...

I couldn't help myself from laughing while reading this just because I remember Shannon's post as well. I can't believe they do such a thing. Do they really lose that many shopping carts? What morons. Hope Ezra is ok!

Anna Joy Photography said...

who the heck would even want to steal a stupid walmart shopping cart? Balderdash!

Laura said...

Fascinating - I didn't know those things actually worked. I've always seen the signs everywhere and wondered about it.

ps. In some places in Europe, they don't even let you take the cart out of the store, or they make you pay a deposit that you don't get back until you return the cart to the store.

Misguided Mommy said...

also....i made my cousin read the post where chris is amazing...she started crying...then i showed her his anv video... she started bawling and wanted a new husband....i hope you remeber ever day how freaking amazing your husband is....AND how jealous each and every one of us is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flo Oakes said...

wait...is this real?? Did Walmart seriously do this? This is the weirdest thing I've ever heard...and really funny, ..but sad at the same time.. ha ha.

Uncle Dave said...

Screw that Damned Walmart!! No good can ever come from there.

GIRL'S GONE CHILD said...

AGAIN! SAME EXACT MEASUREMENTS for Archer. Do we have the same child?

Anonymous said...

ok first, that comment up there about the girl wanting a new husband made me cry from laughing. Anyway, ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS? I've never in my life heard of such a contraption! I thought you were using a figure of speech until I read through the comments.

Melyni in PA
cinderellaspark at gmail dot com