I've often found myself wondering, "Am I the only young, dazed-and-confused, semi-disappointed (and is this ok?), unlike-all-the-other-mommies mommy out there?"
I'm slowly discovering that the answer to this question is "No, I'm really not the only one". There are other moms like me in this great big world, but so far I've only found their blogs. I've yet to track one down in person. But I am on the hunt... They are a rare breed and distinguishable only by their babyslings and beat-up chuck taylors.
My son's name is Ezra James and he is 14 months old. My name is Emery and I'm 23. My husband, Chris, is the most patient one in the family. Then comes Ezra, and then me. (naturally)
I mean, surely I can't be the ONLY mom in history to throw her husband's bag of McDonald's food into the back of the car-- ejecting its contents onto the unsuspecting baby -- all the while screaming and punching the dashboard and declaring that she hates her f*ing life...?
right?
Let's just say I've had a melt-down or two, and suspect that there are plenty more where that came from.
Is it too late to tell you I believe in God? Well, I do. I'm not sure if it's OK to be a semi-disappointed, melt-down prone mommy AND a Christian, but I'll let you know when I find out.
I love my family and believe in Grace, and this is what gets me through the day. (That, and cinnamon dolce lattes.) I intend to be honest and forthcoming here, so you can choose to read my thoughts or you can choose not to...whatever floats your boat.
I am hoping that this honesty helps other mommies feel a little less fear and a little more brave.... A liitle less shame and a lot more grace.
6 comments:
Oh my gosh, I love you so much. THIS is what I've been waiting to see from you. I love your thoughts and how clearly you write them. I always know your intentions and feelings - you do the world good when you write.
I wish we could spend more time together, I'd love to live in the same place and you and Chris again - it would only be a blessing...unless you were mean, then it would be a curse and I'd be really suprised. Anyway, keep writing, I'll keep reading.
I agree that letting yourself say like it is, is definately the way to go. I love hearing your thoughts, and relating where I feel I can. Thank you for showing the unperfect side that is in all of us, shall I say, Christians.
I see it's okay for non-mommies to read and empathize, even though my only child experience is through my neighbor's kids! Ezra is the cutest baby EVER and I will be enjoying reading about your adventures with him. I get up every morning and write what's called my morning pages, just two pages of long-hand WHATEVER is in my head to clear the way for creativity and connection. It's TOTAL screaming at the ocean. And it's TOTALLY therapeutic! I feel ya!
I meant to tell you that I really enjoy your writing style. And the way you talk about God and your faith...I am a Unitarian Universalist (lapsed Catholic) and exploring my spirituality a lot lately. I love reading about other people's journeys down this path, too...
Emery, I ask God for Grace everyday! We love our children but I havent heard anyone say its easy! Its hard! But I love you!! Be honest!
Motherhood (and wifehood for that matter...)is the most challenging job we've ever been given. But at the end of the day, it's the most rewarding too. There's been plenty of times that I've told them to be quiet before I friek right the heck out. (Usually when I'm driving, late as usual, looking for the mysteriously hidden doctor's office). It's then that I realize my strength comes from HIM...ask and you shall receive... After a minute of prayer I can usually glance back and squeeze in a quick "I love you and I'm sorry." Kids need to know we're not perfect moms...we mess up just like they do, we get frustrated like they do, and yeah sometimes we have meltdowns, just like they do. We all need the Lord's strength and forgiveness...and sometimes the best model for them is to see us crying out to HIM too!
I am soooo very thankful that there is someone out there that loves her kids and husband more than anything but at the same time is let down by "it" all! I don't know how many times I have cried myself to sleep because I feel alone that I am not the "perfect" mom who loves to sty at home and every moment with my child is magical and full of fluffy white clouds! I know God has a plan for all of this and I am so thankful for a patient daughter who even when I suck at being a mom she still smiles and gives me kisses! Sorry to spill my guts but I am truly encouraged by your blog! I am learning I am not a bad mom for feeling like this I am a good mom for trying to explore and fix!
THANK YOU!
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