Beauty in the Chaos.

I used to be SO incredibly afraid of becoming too busy in the mundane day-to-day of life that I would forget who I was... like I was convinced I would get buried under a pile of sippy cups or something, never to be seen or heard from again.

This was THE biggest struggle for me in those first few of years of becoming a mama. It's painful, now, to look back and see how desperately I was clinging to the fear of "losing myself", mostly because, when you write that another way, it becomes sickeningly clear that really what I was clinging to was just ME... otherwise known as complete and total selfishness.

The beauty of motherhood is in the nitty gritty, though, and if it does nothing else for us, it makes us aware of what self-centered creatures we really are, and then, if we allow it to, walks us through the loooong journey of peeling our eyes off of own navels and directing them towards other people- namely those of our children. And as we begin to lift our heads we realize that there are a whole lot of other people in the periphereal as well. Like, a whole WORLD'S worth of people, actually!



That's how the journey has been for me so far, at least. It's been a beautiful and MUCH NEEDED crash course in "The Universe Doesn't Actually Revolve Around Emery - 101".

The irony in all of this is, of course, the fact that "losing myself" in the "mundane day-to-day" of motherhood has been the perfect and predestined place where I would ultimately find the very best things about myself-- buried under that pile of sippy cups like long lost treasures.

(And also, yes, it goes without saying that motherhood is not the only place where you can find these things. Any time we lay aside ourselves for the sake of others, there will be treasure waiting.)

Yes, I am BUSY now. Often faaaaar too busy to find time to sit down here and write, a thing that brings me great joy. Even this morning, in the span of these few paragraphs, I have been interrupted by my six-year-old excitedly explaining the ins and outs of a computer game and demanding that I play with him "because now it is Summer", my two-year-old whining for me to come out in the living room and serve cereal, and an infant crying due to GAS BUBBLES. It may not be glamorous, but I am learning that there are joys that are appointed for certain seasons of life, and in the absence of finding time to write my heart and thoughts out on paper or screen, new and unexpected joys abound. There WILL be time to write and reflect again, but for now, there are trips to the library and the zoo and the mind-blowing joy of watching my own child learn to read and write HIS thoughts out on paper for the world to see.




Without fail, when I open my eyes in the morning and decide that today does not need to be all about me, I find myself laughing more, enjoying more, savoring more, learning more, and, ultimately, becoming more of the me I was meant to be.

I am not saying we should all abandon the things that make us unique when we push out our first child, but I am saying that we are often stunting the growth of those unique things when we cling to them with a death grip and refuse to fully embrace new seasons of life as they come along. I will not be the "Sippy Cup Retriever" for the rest of my life, but these few short years of being one have taught me more than sitting in a quiet meadow with pen and paper or guitar in hand ever could have, I am quite certain.

I LOVE how completely surprising and seemingly backwards the things of God always are. Like how we find ourselves by pouring ourselves out for others. And how the greatest hardships bring the greatest joys. How he uses the weak to confound the strong. And how our greatest gains come from giving everything away.

It's breathtaking, really. And I am so grateful to be in a season of life where I can learn these things and have the opportunity to practice them every single day.




So... here's to motherhood, the character-building chaos, and the beauty that springs up from it all!

:)

****************

PS. Thanks to all who have written to see if we made it through the crazy tornadoes that came through here the other day!! We are totally fine and didn't have anything come too close. Please pray for those who lost everything- and who are trying to pick up the pieces of their lives after those devastating storms. xo

PPS. Sorry for the bandwidth issues on my blog page- I have no idea how long it has been like that. haha. Bad blogger! It should clear up momentarily...

The Now & Here.

Truman had a check-up today and he is doing so well! He weighs 12 lbs now and is at 50% for weight, 80% height, and %50 head size.

He has also been officially diagnosed as being "cuter than a cabbage patch doll" by all the nurses. :)

He is such a sweet baby... he smiles and laughs much more than the other boys did at this age, and he is content almost all the time. And he's sleeping 5-6 hours at a time at night! glory hallelujah.

He has been so so pleasant that it is almost dangerous... if all babies were this easy I would probably have about 5 more. hahahaha.

He has also started rolling over from belly to back. He (as well as my other boys) has always slept waaaaay better on his tummy, so all of my kids have been tummy sleepers from the first few weeks on. (collective gasp!) Yet lately, when I go to check on him in his crib, he's sprawled out on his back and gurgle-giggling at the blanket hanging on the side of his crib.

Cuteness explosion.



I am really getting the hang of being a 3 kiddo mommy, although I know a lot of that has to do with the caliber of help I have around me. My mother-in-law swings by my house and takes Ezra to school for me every single morning, meaning I don't have to get all three kids loaded up in the car before 8 AM every day. UH-MAZING. My husband pitches in and handles most of the bedtime routine for the older boys while I nurse Truman in the evenings. And Ezra's school as well as Myer's Mother's Day Out program are complete and total lifesavers.

I fear the long Summer that is approaching, though. No school! All heat all the time! Lil' ol' me VS. three balls of energy! (One of which is allergic to the outdoors and possibly the sun!) LORD HALP ME. (I'm gonna need it.)

Where the Rubber Meets the Road.

I was never one of those little girls who dreamed of being a wife and mommy when I was young.

I was more interested in GI Joes and playing down by the creek and writing poetry so sappy it could choke a horse.

(Bald eagles! Purple Mountains! World peace! People crying! ALWAYS with the people crying!)





Even when I was planning my own wedding all those years later, the desire to have kids was hardly a blip on my radar screen.

I'm sure Chris and I had talked about wanting two or three kids EVENTUALLY, but even then it seemed like such a far away, vague concept.




And then, just six months after we said "I do", it hit me like a freight train.

I just had to be a mommy.

Now, looking back, I can see that it was always there deep inside of me- this desire to nurture and comfort and love.

I think it was just hiding behind a fear of coming up short... of not having enough to give when the rubber met the road.



But the one thing that having kids has taught me is this:

The place where the rubber meets the road is holy ground. God has been faithful to meet me there every single time, and He is filling my heart and my home with more motherly love than I EVER dreamed possible.

*************

Happy Mother's Day to you mamas out there, heartfelt prayers and love to those who long to be mamas but have not yet seen those longings fulfilled, and comfort to those whose mamas are no longer here with you to be celebrated on this day.

Love love love to you ALL!!

Grow, Baby, Grow!

What a difference six weeks makes, eh?!

It reminds me of the comparison that I did with Myer at six weeks growth, too:



Isn't that CRAZY??

I'm so blown away by this. That's only a month and a half! Can you imagine if we continued to grow at this rate? We'd be about 300 feet tall by the time we were five.

haha.

No wonder these little humans sleep so dang much.

Teammates.

hat- burlington coat factory
jacket- thrifted
shirt- charliehall.com
pants- Ross
Shoes- dolce vida

It's so windy here today that your skin would blow away if you weren't hugging it onto your body. Ezra and Myer had school today, so I tried to go to a clothing store by my house and spend some store credit that I have had there for months, but of course Truman was fussing the WHOLE time I was inside the store until he promptly calmed down and fell asleep the second I gave up and left. haha. I swear, even at this age, they know. They may not know their own hand from a wall, but they know when mama wants a moment to shop, ohyestheydo.

Chris and I had not been communicating very well the past few weeks, and it was seriously like watching a car roll slowly towards a cliff. It was OBVIOUS where it was going to end up, but we just kept right on watching. Thankfully we finally snapped out of it and pulled the emergency brake. We said all that needed to be said, and now it feels like we are on the same team again.

*Insert deep cleansing breath here*

Isn't it amazing how often it feels like we are on the opposing team of our husbands? The ONE person in the world whose team we voluntarily stood up and swore to fight for till death do us part? Maybe it's just me and my stubborn, prideful heart, but I find myself in a different colored jersey WAY too often.

Yet, I know God is changing me. (It has been a S L O W change, but that's only because of my own stiff neck.) When I look back on the wife I was seven years ago, I feel a little bit proud of the work God has done in me so far. I know that I have about a bajillion years worth of things left to learn, but I trust that God can get me to where I need to be if I would just stop trying to protect myself all the time... if I would just let Him get closer than an arm's length to my heart.



Aaaaaanywho... I learned how to play my favorite Ray Lamontagne song on the guitar this afternoon ("Empty") and now that's all that I want to do... for ever and ever... but there are all these children that need to be bathed and lotioned and jammied and brushed and read to and tucked in and sang to and it's just me here tonight because Chris is out DJ-ing a fashion show this evening. (how glam!)

Once the little ones are in bed I am going to have a glass of wine, take a bath, play guitar a bit, and then watch some more Cosby Show on Netflix. I am so addicted to that show right now, it's kind of insane. I think I am going to weep when I click on the final episode... it will feel like a part of my family has been canceled. hahaha.

peace out, yo.
:)

'The Rabbits of Our Lives'

So, if you're my friend over yonder on 'The Book of Faces' (which, honestly has been morphing into more of an instagram dumping ground for me lately haha), you will already have heard parts of the rabbit drama that we've been engrossed in over here for the last couple of weeks.

It's a regular 'As The World Turns' back there, I swear.

A week before Easter, a large brown rabbit was spotted in our backyard by the neighbors to the East of me. I thought they had just seen a typical, wild rabbit out there when they told me about it, so I didn't think anything of it. Wild rabbits are common around these parts.

The next day, however, when I went out into my backyard, I almost had a heart attack when I saw this thing lop out from behind our composting bin:

"RAWR!!!"

Now, I know that it is really hard to tell the actual size of this beast from this photo because there is nothing given for reference, but just try to imagine this rabbit towering over a chiuaua and giving it the 'Imma gobble you up' eye.

It was HUGE.

I gave the thing a carrot and came back inside because I kept having visions of the Killer Rabbits in Monty Python and I wanted to protect my jugular vein. I was CONVINCED that this rabbit was someone's escaped pet, because of how large it was and because it was so very unafraid of me. But when I posted his picture on Facebook, I got a lot of "oh yeah, we had some of those this morning too!" or, "that's typical of where you live" type responses and so I found myself becoming VERY confused.

And then, the next day after that, I went out to look for the rabbit again with some carrots in hand, and you cannot even imagine my surprise when I turned around as I heard some rustling behind me and saw this:

"we done did MULTIPLIED last night, yuk yuk!"

I grabbed my jugular and ran inside again.

Now I was REALLY confused. Were they wild rabbits who were multiplying? Or were they partners in crime on the run from their cage? I envisioned myself putting up flyers around the vicinity, stating "FOUND: two rabbits! Call Emery and I will return your precious pets to you!" only to become the laughing stock of the ENTIRE neighborhood because they really were wild and could be found in every single yard everywhere.

I didn't make flyers. I just fed them more lettuce and carrots and got used to the idea of having cute bunnies in our yard for our boys to swoon over for awhile.

The next day after I discovered the second rabbit, Myer and I had been out in the yard most of the morning talking to the rabbits and having a grand ol' time watching them and feeding them. Myer was getting a little overheated, though, so I decided to take him inside and get him cooled off a bit before lunch. Not even 5 minutes after we came inside, my neighbor to the East of me texted my phone and said "Our dog just ate the brown rabbit."

Ummm... good thing little Myer wasn't out there to see that chapter of the drama, eh?

I have NO idea how the brown rabbit got over or under the fence and into the neighbor's yard, but sure enough, he was a goner.

I posted a tribute to him over on Facebook to memorialize his little hopping imprint on our lives:



hahaha. (PS. I maybe have no heart.)

Days went by and we never told the boys where 'The Brown One' had disappeared to. I suggested that maybe he up and R-U-N-N-O-F-T to find sweeter carrots somewhere (a hidden heaven metaphor, see that?), and we contented ourselves with seeing the white rabbit out nibbling on our grass every now and then, and feeding him goodies once every couple of days.

And then... YESTERDAY.

Almost TWO WEEKS after the rabbits first appeared, my neighbor to the WEST of me knocked on our door as we were heading out on a date and told us his rabbit was in our yard and could he go back there and try to catch it?

uh...

We stammered that he was welcome to go back there and "good luck!" and we left for our coffee date. As we were leaving he mentioned that he "also had a brown one somewhere", which caused my husband and I to exchange looks of utter mortification and horror as we climbed into the car.

So.

Now.

The moral dilemma: Do we TELL him and his children about the morbid and violent fate of 'The Brown One' (may he rest in peace)? Or do we smile and nod and pretend that we are none-the-wiser, leaving them hope that their brown rabbit has found a field of clovers somewhere and is fancy free and having the time of his little floppy-eared life??

Please, discuss.

I'm all ears.

(har har.)

Worth The Fight.

This morning I grabbed my new favorite coffee mug, the one that is as big as my face, and filled it up to the brim. It's the biggest cup we have, and my sweet husband must know how desperately I need the extra ounces these days, because he hand washes it every night before bed and leaves it out on the counter for me so that I can just stumble into the kitchen and POUR.

What a man.

The thing that seems to be pulling the life from my bones these days is not the wee babe. It is not the extremely in-your-face six year old. It is the little dude in the middle.



The other day, he had a two hour screaming fit simply because I told him he could have his cupcake AFTER lunch, and not before.

He screamed and screamed and screamed, and then suddenly, on my 150th time of going back to his room to explain that he was welcome to come out and eat his lunch as soon as he stopped throwing a fit, he looked at me and said "Okay, mama!" and hopped off the chair. He came out to the table, ate his WHOLE lunch, and the got his cupcake with a heaping side of affirmation.

And he seems to really get it about the treats now. But he's still fighting me on every thing else. This morning for example, we are smack dab in the middle of an epic battle of the wills again.

He was whipping the furniture with a metal chain... you know how they do... and I told him firmly to "stop" three or four times. He didn't stop, so I scooped him up and stuck him in timeout. I went back a couple of minutes later and told him that he needs to stop when I say stop, and I asked him to respond with "Yes mama" like he's supposed to, but instead I got a furrowed brow and a glare.

For over an hour we did this. Me asking him to say "Yes mama" when I told him to listen and obey, and he just glaring at me like an angry caveman.

Finally I told him that if he didn't respond properly, he was going to have to go straight to bed for his nap.

Guess where he is right now?

Yep. Bed.

He is the MOST stubborn child I have ever seen!!!



I am encouraged today, however, because I seem to be able to feel the weight of what I am doing with Myer. I am training and correcting him in the way he should go, and there is no greater gift that I can give the boy in life than that. During all the crying and stubbornness this morning, I seem to be able to hear God whispering to my heart that "This is good, this is good, this is good!"

Correcting my child in love and with firmness will be health to his bones all the days of his life. And all of these little struggles and battles that no one sees have the power to shape the man that Myer will become, which in turn could shape the lives of countless other people as he grows and the decades march on.

When I am able to remember that fact, I feel so VERY important! So USEFUL in the Kingdom of God! So HONORED to have been chosen for such a high calling! (Three times over, none the less!)

Why is it so dang hard to remember this? When I forget it, which is almost always the case, I begin to feel so useless, so unseen, so... trapped. My kids suffer, I suffer, my husband suffers. Negativity and bitterness reign in my house. May I never forget the truth of the worth of my job again!!

The interesting thing about all of this is that last week, at the women's study that I go to, we were talking about learning to submit our stubborn wills to the will of God so that we can have abundant life.

Helloooo prime example! When I was looking into Myer's caveman face earlier, I couldn't help but giggle a little. It was like I could suddenly see myself in his place. I have been setting my face towards God in the same way! I have been refusing to respond to His loving correction with equal amounts of stubbornness! I have been choosing to remain in the chair when I could be off truly living!

Thankfully, all I have to do is repent of my stubbornness and hardness towards God (since the ability to repent is the greatest GIFT God has given us on this Earth) and I am RIGHT back in the game. Over and done. It's as simple as that!

Now, if only my two year old would get the "repentance" memo...there are games to be played and books to be read and pages to be colored! We'll see how the flip side of this nap goes. I'm sensing a glorious VICTORY! Because he is so very worth the fight!



:)

Catherine Gikas Photography FTW!

My amazingly talented friend Catherine Gikas came over to my house during Truman's 'Sip & See' a few weeks ago and she brought her camera with her!

SQUEEEEEEE!!!

She disappeared with Truman for a little while, and captured some precious shots of my little week and a half old baby.

What a gift!! He's already ginormous compared to these photos, and I am so blessed to have these itty-bitty days of his on film so I can treasure them always.

Thank you SO MUCH, Catherine... you are a stud-cadette. (Times infinity billion.)

Click here to see the pics... I looooove them!!

:)

What Are You Worth?

I recently read THE most powerful and convicting (punch-in-the-gut!) series on being the mamas we were created to be and our battle against INSIGNIFICANCE over on my friend Suzanna's blog.

There are three posts total, and you really must read them if you have ever felt the cold chill of "I am not enough" creep over your heart and your home.

I never realized how much I've allowed myself to live in that ominous shadow until I read these posts.

First, read this.

Then this.

And then this one.

***********

I want to know my worth, and communicate the worth of my children to their hungry hearts. I don't want to feel like I am "under the tablecloth" anymore. I want my home to be happy and peaceful. I need my children to know that I really ENJOY who they are.

I find myself desperate for God to replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh.

Thank you, Suzanna, for boldly writing exactly what this mama needed to hear.

A Walking Billboard.

Things are going pretty well over here, wherein "well" = mostly chaotic with little pockets of calm sweetness.

Yesterday, I picked up Ezra from school and attempted to take all three boys to Barnes & Noble by myself so that they could play and get a treat and I could get out of the house and drink a yummy jumbo chai latte.

Everything went really really great!

Except for the leaving part.

Myer did the full-on crazy child fit where he was screaming (in a bookstore!) and rolling and kicking and punching while somehow simultaneously going completely limp.

How DO they do that? The kicking and punching AND going limp? Scientists are still baffled.

While all of this was going on, Truman was chillin' in the sling and Ezra kept conveniently wandering off so he could find more science kits to drool over. (<--- nerdalert. haha.)

I stayed calm though, and somehow summoned my Super Mom Strength and PICKED THAT SCREAMING CHILD UP, hoisted him onto my hip, made sure Tru wasn't getting smooshed in his sling, and sauntered out to my car.

I felt every eye in that place on me as we stumbled out the doors. I was a walking billboard for birth control in that moment, ohyesiwas. haha.

I told Myer that he would no longer get to play outside with Ezra when we got home (his most favorite thing to do in the afternoons), due to all the screamy flailing and whatnot. He seemed to understand, and now when he asks to go to the bookstore it goes like this:

"Go Bookstory, mama? Myer no whinin'? Myer no cryin'?"

Cuuuute.



***********************



Truman is still sleeping like a champ and as peaceful as can be. Sometimes he'll wake up from a long nap in his little rocking sleeper (attention all expecting parents: this thing is AMAZING!!) in the living room and I won't even know he's awake because he is just staring at his hand or the fan and not making a sound.

Besides sleeping and eating, he's been busy wrapping the world around his finger, one human at a time.



Here we see him conquering my sweet friend Crystal, who is expecting her own little girl very soon.

He's a charmer, my little Trudude. No one stands a chance against his squirmy powers. ;)