12 Weeks.

I took these pictures about two seconds ago and am pretty sure I have doubled in size since then. No... really.





I kept sending my poor husband back up to the attic to look for my maternity clothes that we couldn't find ANYWHERE. I was like, "I know they are up there, honey... could you look again?" And then, after his 1,647th trip up there, I suddenly thought I maybe might have remembered giving them all away after I had Myer? Because I never wore them and I didn't like anything that I had.

hahahaha. Poor Chris.

So, I'm thinking this time around I might just invest in a nice pair of maternity jeans and call it good. Any recommendations? My neighbor was also kind enough to lend me some super cute maternity pants and some tops as well, so I think I'm set.


I've had a really hard but really good week of processing some of the things I have been feeling these past couple of months since I found out I was pregnant again. I have felt like I've been in a funk for weeeeeeks and I haven't felt like writing at all. But this week I started to open up about some things and my husband has really helped me dig down and figure out WHY I've been feeling so shut down.

I will write more about all that soon when I can dedicate a good chunk of time to getting it all out.

Right now I'm too busy snuggling my boys and watching Wallace and Gromit.

:)

35 Weeks Pregnant.

This past week in my pregnancy has brought much discomfort and subsequent grumpy scrooginess to my normally happy countenance. I am uncomfortable. I can't reach my own feet. NO PANTS WILL STAY UP AROUND THIS CANTALOUPE OF A BELLY. I swear, I feel like that's where two-thirds of my discomfort and grumpiness is coming from... from being ANGRY with my PANTS. I've gotten to this point where they won't stay up, so I am constantly pulling on them, and my underwear are being pushed down with every step I take, so I'm pulling on those too, and suddenly I'm in a blind rage and I feel like punching a wall. Seriously.

This is a downside of being pregnant in the Winter: PANTS. At least when it was warm I could wear flowy skirts and dresses. Now, every morning when I open my pants drawer, I feel 'the scowl' creep back on my face. And it doesn't leave again until I can ditch them that night. This even goes for pajama pants (with ties!)... and "mid belly" pants... and "under belly" pants... and "full belly coverage" pants... I'm convinced that there are NO pants made in the universe that will cooperate with this insane belly of mine.

To recap for those who may have dozed off during this rant: HATE. PANTS.

Also, I think this little boy may have scooted down lower a bit, because there's this new trick he does where he moves and then MY LEGS GO NUMB. Usually while I am walking or trying to fall asleep. He must think it's funny, because he does it a lot.

Couple of last complaints and then I'll shut up. (I'm not a big fan of the "Woe is me... I'm pregnant!" posts.) (Although I'm sure this won't be the last...)

- Extremely TIRED.
- Peeing every 5 minutes.
- Sore hips.
- HATE. PANTS.

The upside- there are only 35! days! left! until my due date. I'm trying to heed the advice that my son gives me when I am groaning in discomfort: He says, "It's otay, mamma. The baby will be born soon. You just go sleep now."

So wise.



Ezra came 8 days early, so I am hoping and praying his brother will follow suit. They say that usually happens, right? If your first is a bit early, the rest tend to be too?

RIGHT?

RIGHT?!?!?!

17 Weeks Pregnant.

I had my second prenatal appointment a couple of days ago and it went really, really well. We met a new midwife (Leeanna) and she was absolutely everything I believe a midwife should be. Friendly, personable, laid back, and open to any and all questions I could come up with. She also had wispy hair and a wispy skirt to boot. And I love her.

We got to hear the glorious heartbeat of this amazing new human (SWOOSH SWOOSH SWOOSH) and Leeanna beamed just as much as I did as the sound of life filled the room. She said she/he sounded perfect. Everything is going really well at this point in the pregnancy- I am finally feeling good most of the time and I am enjoying the wonderful experience of feeling this baby poke and swim around inside of me like a little goldfish in a bowl. Tink tink! So crazy!



I have an ultrasound scheduled for September 10th. That's only 3.5 weeks until we can find out what we're having! I am so excited I could squee. Or, perhaps more appropriatley, PEE. With this second pregnancy my bladder has proven to be a bit... um... weak. Please tell me I'm not alone in this. Let's just say that sneezing now has new, unexpected tribulations to accompany it. AHEM.




Here's a fun tip for those of you who are preggo or who will become preggo in the future and are planning to find out the sex of the baby: (My friend told me about this idea, and we did it with Ezra, and it was AWESOME! So, DO IT!) (Ummm... If you want to.)

I made a cute little blank card and stuck it in an envelope and we brought it with us to the appointment. Before the technician started the ultrasound, we told her that we wanted to know the sex of the baby, but that we didn't want her to tell us out loud. I handed her the blank card and asked her to write it down for me and then put the card back in the envelope.

She did the ultrasound, never saying one way or another what we were having, and afterwards, we grabbed the envelope with the big news inside and we slipped off to a romantic lunch spot overlooking the ocean. Chris and I were GIDDY and completely nervous as we stared at the envelope resting on the table in front of us. Should we open it now? Before lunch? After lunch? Over dessert??

In the end, we couldn't even wait long enough to get our drink orders.

We tore the envelope open and started crying right there in the resaurant. It was a boy. It was Ezra. And it was one of the sweetest memories I have with my husband.

That card is now in Ezra's scrapbook. (The scrapbook that never really got finished. Or, even, STARTED for that matter. Oy vey.)

So, try it sometime! We're planning on doing the same thing with this pregnancy. The only thing missing this time around will be the ocean.

So... other than that, not much is new. I am going to apply at a Starbucks near my house that is looking for temporary help. (They are one of the stores that will be closing in the next few months.) They desperately need some help in the meantime. It could be perfect!

We have some friends living with us for a few weeks and it has been awesome. They have a little girl who is almost two, and Ezra just adores her.




Life is lovely.

Grace Inward.

As the thought of another wonderful child looms, I hold him tighter. I wrestle longer. I watch harder. I try to memorize today and yesterday and the one before that. In a few short months, it will no longer be just me and him. He will have to share me. I will have to share him. My two ears will not be tuned to him in the 100% way they are now. Right now, he commands center stage. And he knows it.

Ezra spontanteously tells me that he LOOOVES ME at least 100 times a day. Pretty much any time there is a lull in the conversation. I scoop these words up and marinate in them- because like the lady at his school often reminds me- there will come a day when those words won't fall quite so easily from his lips.

That's what I'm doing these days. Marinating in the time spent with my boy. Soaking him up.

I had a friend tell me the other day that she feels like she doesn't even know her son like she used to since the new baby came along. Because they no longer get those one-on-one moments that used to make up their entire days.

The thought is somewhat terrifying. What silly jokes will I miss? What songs will slip past my ears? What quiet observations will go unheard? Will I be enough mom for the one and the two? Will my fragile patience survive the blow?

There will be a lot of letting go. And I know that it will be good for all of us. Like pruning a bush to make room for new growth.

There will need to be an abundance of Grace. Mostly for myself. Grace inward. Because I need to let go of the idea that I can be all things for everyone at all times. I can't be. Even for my two children- I can't be it all. I can be me right here and now and that's about it, yes? I think that's what Grace means. Allowing yourself to be you now... not frantically trying to get to the you of tomorrow, or bogging yourself down with the you of the past... Just... You. Right now.

Grace.

There is definetly new life headed our way. And it's so easy to forget that life and death are often one-in-the-same and marching towards you hand-in hand. With this new life will come the death of the way it has been. But if we didn't prune back and change every now and again, where would we be?

Overgrown. Supressing life. Unhealthy and wild... full of old branches that do nothing but suffocate. (Like those shrubs of mine out front. Ahem.)

Pruning is painful! I can feel the shears preparing for the cut already. I'm wincing, but I'm ready. I'm ready for the growth that will come from the loss. And I trust that God is preparing Ezra in the same way He's preparing his momma... Gently. With compassion and understanding. A kind gardener at work.

When the Options are Few.

"Morning."


"Night."

Thank you all for your kind words yesterday. They helped me.

I am going to try a different midwife next month (in the same practice as the other) and see if I can get along better with her personality. There are four midwives to meet within the practice, so I am hoping the other three are more compatible with Chris and I. Here's the kicker, though: whoever is "on call" when you go into labor is who will show up at your birth. So, I have to decide if it's even worth having a 1 in 4 chance of having the blah midwife at my labor & delivery, or if I should find some other practice all together.

The options are very few here in the state of Oklahoma, however. There are NO birthing centers, and only 3 groups of midwives within the entire area. (A metro area which holds 1,000,000 people.) There are the midwives at OU (who I saw yesterday), another group in south OKC (homebirths only) that I've been told to stay away from by a friend, and one last group down in a town called Norman- which is just a tiny bit too far away for my liking.

I feel a bit lost at this point, but I know that I will know the right thing to do when the time comes. I trust myself enough to believe that. So, I will continue to explore my options and wait for my gut feeling to tell me what to do. And educate myself. That's all I can really do at this point!


Thirteen weeks- second trimester here I come!

Ezra has decided that he wants a baby sister, and he's even chosen two names that he likes. If it's a girl, he either wants to name her "Uncle David" or "Dada".

Uhhh...




Recent weird pregnancy symptoms: A bloody nose everyday (I NEVER get these normally), and lots of shedding. My hair is EVERYWHERE. It seems to be falling out constantly. Hopefully I will not be bald before the 9 months is over... That would put a bit of a damper on Operation: Grow Hair, I think.

Today's agenda: make dinner for a friend who recently had a baby (chicken enchiladas I'm thinking), do lots of laundry, and practice the songs I'll be leading at church on Sunday. Ezra is home from VBS today with a cold, so he'll be my partner in crime today. Stick em' up!