Aiming for You.

There is so much going on inside lately but it's all too private to broadcast. I've been on a journey of becoming more free and it has not been the quick transportation that I was secretly hoping for... more like a slow saunter down an all-too-familiar old road.

Things may look & feel the same in my day-to-day, but I'm going somewhere new. I believe it. This is like the "one last goodbye" saunter where I look over the old ground and then turn away from it forever.

I've talked here about my struggle with intimacy and how it has affected every single part of who I am. I am currently on a journey of unpacking that struggle and basically choosing not to live that way anymore because it has all been based on a lie.

I can know deep intimacy. In friendships, in marriage, and in my relationship with God and my children.

Sometimes we are led to believe lies when we are SO young, and then we base our entire lives off of that falsity. It is not easy to backtrack and rebuild. But it is worth it. The God that I believe in is a Repairer of Broken Walls and a Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. He can wipe away this age-old lie and replace it with a foundation of flashing sapphires. And then, before you know it, He's hoisting up battlements of rubies and gates of precious stones. Over time, the "slimy sand-castle" way of existing becomes a distant dream, and the strength you feel running through you makes the very ground rumble as your enemy flees to cower under the shelter of a rock.

That is the strength of my God. Whom shall I fear?

Even though now it is a struggle every single moment to choose Him over the World, I know that this season will strengthen me and end in a good result, if I can only keep my eyes on Him. I am thankful for these tumultuous times. They are producing in me perseverance, which births character. And character brings forth hope. And hope, by its very nature, cannot disappoint.

Lord, watch over these faltering steps. I am aiming for You.

Brought Into Focus.

My super amazing friend, Cameron, took some family photos of us while he was visiting OKC recently for Joel & Morgan's wedding reception. I keep getting frustrated when I try to type out how much of a blessing this was to me, because I just don't feel like I can express it properly, but seeing these images somehow solidified something my heart that I didn't even know was squidgy.

We are a family of FOUR. There was something about seeing us... all four of us... smiling and being happy together that totally floored me. Seeing Myer included with all of us in a picture made him feel more real... like we really were blessed with this amazing boy and he's ours. To keep!! haha. (I probably sound like a wack-a-doo.)

We were a family of three for four years. That's a pretty good stretch of time. It became so normal and so a part of who I was... one of three... that it took something as simple as a photo of what we look like as a family from the outside to drive home the point that I have truly expanded myself and enlarged my heart again in the form of a whole new branch of this little family tree.

What an honor! What a joy! What a vital part he has become to us all! Every time I look at these photos I feel like I'm going to explode with all the thanksgiving and gratitude that wells up in my heart towards God. The God who multiplies and expands us in such beautiful ways. It's all just so amazing.




Go to Cameron's blog to see a few more shots- they are just a sampling of the wonderful work he created for us to keep and cherish forever and ever.

Thank you, Cam-sauce!! We love you so so much!!

The Craziest Thing I've Ever Experienced.

Seriously. It felt like the Armageddon. The wind was loud. The hail was deafening. Car alarms, house alarms, emergency sirens echoing through the neighborhood, kids squealing, husband hollering and jumping, glass breaking....

It only lasted about 5 minutes, but DANG.







We were watching our neighbor's kiddos when the storm hit, and it was quite the challenge to try and keep them all safely on the couch while trying not to spook them more than they were already spooked. Poor sweet munchkins! When it was all over, though, they were fascinated and excited- not scared. So that was good.


The storm troopers!

Our roof needs to be replaced. Our cars are both totaled, as far as we can tell. There are hundreds of huge golf ball sized dents on every square inch of them and the windshields are cracked. Some of our storm windows got busted. And our neighborhood is covered in leaves and branches and debris.

It was completely thrilling and awe inspiring.

God is big. And we are... not.

Growing out Short Hair.

Today my hair was making me want to... pull out my hair.

So, remembering a technique my dear friend Harmony taught me back in my college days, I grabbed some bobbypins and pinned it up.

And then this afternoon, I trimmed my bangs.

Ta-da! New hair!

I think this will really help as I trudge through the horrible stages that come with growing out my hairz. I recommend a truck load of bobbypins to anyone and everyone who is trying to go from short to long.





They are miracle workers, I tell ya!

Ezra & his Amazing Technicolor Dream Fish.

Ezra caught his first fish this weekend! He was thrilled/creeped out... just like his mother!

We threw the fish right back in the water and it swam away like a bat out of hell.

(What does that even MEAN anyway? Why bats? I mean, BATS, of all creatures in existence, should not be getting back out of hell after they die. They should be locked up in the hottest room for all eternity and made to wear little winter coats and scarves... no?)

Well, anyway, it swam away like a fish off the hook.

It's official: my California-born child is now an Okie through and through.




(I was sure a tiny trout was going to grab hold of that hook and teach my baby to water ski.)




What a little man he is becoming.

It baffles me.

Rest.

cardigan & belt & skirt- thrifted

shirt- old Urban Outfitters
Shoes- Report from Ross

This has been such an emotionally draining couple of weeks, and I have felt like I was on the verge of losing all patience with my boys for the past couple of days as a result of feeling so 'tapped out'. So, today after I dropped them off at school I decided to just make some time for myself. Usually when the boys are in school I clean or run errands or work, but today I decided to not feel guilty about just doing... nothing.

On the agenda:

• Wander around in Barnes & Noble and drink yummy coffee. Read 'Practicing the Presence of God' by Brother Lawrence on my Nook for free on B&N's wifi. (Have I told you how much I LOVE my nook?!)
• Come home and take a bubble bath. In the middle of the day. Because... why not?
• Curl up on my bed and finish watching 'Walk the Line'.
• Eat salt & vinegar chips like there's no tomorrow.
• Dress cute.
• Pick up the boys.
• Go to the park or the zoo for a bit.
• Have an afternoon dance party.
• Eat dinner, put the boys to bed, and then watch LOST.

I think I'm feeling much better already... it is good to rest every now & again. :)

I Get to be Free.

i want to have a million of his babies.

Well, maybe not a million, but at least one more.

(disclaimer: not pregnant.)

We dream of having a little girl some day...

Chris' eyes fill with tears every single time he thinks of her.

We know she's out there somewhere. Some day.

Her name will be a constant reminder that He can make ALL things new. Even things that are so heavy with old that you're sure they can never budge an inch... You're sure you'll be pinned under their weight until the day you die.

But He can take a MOUNTAIN of old habits and pride and wrong thinking and cast it into the sea in an instant.

Jesus gave us all the authority in His name. For such a time as this. The evil things in the spiritual world are under our feet. Not on our shoulders. UNDER OUR FEET! We can command that pile of old, heavy filth to leave its perch, and it will flee. It HAS to because it is weaker than you. Do you believe that?

My twelve years of habits and behaviors towards Chris that seemed so insurmountable to change even last week are no longer daunting. I have believed lies about myself and my husband and my marriage and have based our lives upon those lies. But now I know they aren't true! And I can recognize those lies when they creep back into my ears and tell them to SHUT THE FRIDGE UP.

And they do. They are silenced.

I am not doomed to a life of isolation. I am capable of desire. And intimacy. God made me for those things and they are not gross or wrong or violating. They are good and beautiful and pure. So now I get to build a life on that truth because the lies are... total crap. With no foundation. Overthrown in an instant of faith!

It feels now like the freshness of moving into a new home. You get to rearrange and redecorate and de-clutter. It's hard work packing and moving all your boxes and then sorting through it all and reorganizing it back on the shelves, but there is freedom in it. A new beginning.

This life is forever teaching me that I can never exhaust his mercy. There is no limit on my account.

Every time I open my eyes, every time I take a breath, the tank is filled back up to overflow.

And, as a result, I get to be FREE.

Garden Owls.

So... this is the smile that Myer has decided to adopt every single time I point my camera at him. I think it is probably one of the greatest achievements of all of mankind. It is way cooler than the Pyramids, and much more awesome than Stonehenge. No doubt.

Speaking of smiles, my mommy sent me these little garden owls because she knows how to make me smile like a goofball too. (Picture me making the exact same face that Myer is making. That's what I looked like when I opened the box earlier today.) I adore them so much... now I suddenly want to spruce up the flower bed in the front of my house just so they can have a pretty, lovely place to perch this Spring.

Thanks, mom!! I loooove you! :)

Blossom & Bloom.

Oh, these boys.

Ezra is so compliant and is always expressing his love through comparison. For example, today he told me he loves me bigger than any planet in the whole wide world. haha.

Myer is so sweet and quiet and coy... he makes me smile so much that my face hurts at the end of the day. Also, I can't stop kissing those apple cheeks. Monch monch.

And, my husband. He is so patient and gentle and compassionate... I long for the day when I can be more gentle and vulnerable towards him too. I am working hard to get there, because he is so very, very worth it. It is not easy. It's harder than I ever thought it would be, but the cost seems trifling when I consider what our love will be once I drop this baggage I've carried with me all these years and wrap my unencumbered arms around him completely.

That day is coming soon, I can feel it.

And when it does, we will all blossom and bloom.

It's Grow Time.

I recently noticed (by the alarming number of consecutive days that I had worn a hat) that I have become completely exasperated by my hair. Another indication of this exasperation was the alarming number of consecutive days that I considered (No, REALLY considered) just shaving it off and being done with it.

Today I colored it- nothing drastic, just more of a blending of the roots with the ends- and it looks a whole heck of a lot better. (Too bad I didn't do it BEFORE family portrait day last week. GAR!&@^%!) Still, I am feeling the itch to change it up.

So, I'm growing it again. I have LOVED having it short this past year. And I will probably hack it off again in the future. But for now, it's grow time.

I'm just letting you all know... throwing it out there... so that you can maybe help me reach my goal like you did last time. Growing out short hair isn't easy.

"Haircountability". haha.

Crucial to such a daunting task as growing one's locks, no?

;)