If It's a Girl.

15 weeks pregnant!

***Clarification: We aren't finding out the gender this time around, so this is all a big IF! ***

I realized the other day that if this baby is a girl, I'm going to have to teach her how to actually BE a girl. I believe that this was one of the most terrifying thoughts I have possibly ever had, excepting for that time long ago when I had convinced myself that there were stingrays living in my carpet- just waiting for me to step on them so they could attack my ankles.

(Hey, those things are SCARY. They totally took out the Crocodile Hunter! The CROCODILE HUNTER!!)

I think I am probably one of the most unqualified women in the world for the task of raising a young girl, seeing as how I hate to cook and am total crap at cleaning and laundry and grocery shopping... You know, all that 'happy in the home' stuff. I do the stuff, when it becomes absolutely essential to our survival that I do them, but even then I do it with more of a 'grumbly in the home' kind of attitude.

The thing with having boys is, it's easier for me. I teach them how to honor and respect people and work hard, and then I can send them off to wrestle with something or roll in some mud for awhile. Easy breezy lemon squeezy! (tongue planted firmly in cheek, of course.)

I feel like having a baby girl would be like giving birth to a full-length mirror. It would force me to look at myself in a way I have been too terrified to do. It would force me to really SEE the things deep down in me that need to change. It would be... intimidating. Daunting. Petrifying.

But I also know that, as with anything worth experiencing in this life, the deepest pools of joy and freedom are hidden behind our highest walls. Raising a girl would be one of the most challenging experiences of my life, I know that for a fact. I've spent my whole LIFE building Mt. Everests between my heart and my femininity. (I think there's some part of me that associates that word with deficiency.)

Raising a little mini-me would cause me to need God in ways that I have never needed Him before.

And that right there, I think, would be the greatest gift that she could ever give me.

15 Weeks Pregnant

15 weeks pregnant.

I had a moment the other day... just a random blip as I caught myself casually resting my hand on my belly... I saw a flash of a newborn baby in front of my eyes, cooing and kicking, and I was kissing its belly. And suddenly this little human growing inside of me seemed so intensely REAL. Up until a few days ago, this pregnancy had seemed so far away- like it was happening to a clone. Me but somehow not me. It was like I was watching it from the outside. And I have to admit, this feeling of detachment felt strange and lonely.

But in an instant, we connected, this baby and I. No longer a vague sense of life, but a son or daughter. My little superhero or my bity ballerina. A baby I can not WAIT to hold and meet. This unexpected connection hit me like a ton of bricks. I smiled and laughed and jiggled my ever-growing belly as if it were an introductory handshake.

"Hello, baby blip! Nice to meet you!"

Chris & Ezra are feeling like it's a girl, while I have been getting "boy vibes" the last couple of weeks. (And feeling surprisingly fine with those vibes, I might add.)

Whatever this baby is, it is already ridiculously loved and eagerly awaited.

Like Christmas morning times infinity billion.