I don't know how to receive gifts without this constant low-rumbling feeling that I don't deserve them. That I haven't earned them.
Gifts from others, yes, but most especially gifts from God.
We are in a season of extreme change. There are more question marks floating around our heads than definitive periods. It's hard for me to bend down and scrub my baseboards right now because I don't even know if that baseboard will belong to me in a short amount of time. Something deep in my gut longs for a little more than this 1100 square foot house that holds all 5 of us and our belongings, but this longing in my gut hits a brick wall in my mind and I somehow feel better telling myself that I don't need or deserve such an outrageous dream. I have been blissfully happy in this home for the majority of the last 6 years, but I'm suddenly beginning to yearn for more.
"I need to be able to make 1100 square feet work. There are people in the world who live in huts with dirt floors for God's sake! How can I possibly justify not being able to make this 1100 square feet work?!?!"
These thoughts hound me until I become vaguely aware that the voice of God does not operate in such a way- berating and confusing and making one feel wretched and unworthy. His voice comes with hope and conviction and peace and life! So I try to ignore the part of my brain that has convinced itself that it needs to sit quietly in the corner, keeping its heart-requests quiet.
"Be the child that doesn't rock the boat. Be the child that doesn't require special attention or favors. Be the child that doesn't pester."
The problem is, that is EXACTLY the child that God commands me to be! I am to ask and pester and long and dream before Him! I am to pound the door and frazzle the judge and ask like a child whose heart is set on that ONE thing in life like a shark after blood.
"I want a Red Ryder BB Gun with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time!"
Does asking mean that I am guaranteed to get what I want? (Currently, in my case, a little more elbow room for my family to expand into?) No! Absolutely not. I am not guaranteed anything in this life other than a desperate need for God. But by not even trusting His goodness enough to ask for the things that are in this heart that He created? What treason!! God has never once demanded that I not speak unless spoken to! He has never once commanded me to stifle everything that makes my heart surge to life! All he asks is that I ask... in honesty and truth... trusting that His answer will be good and trustworthy, no matter what it may be.
It makes me feel so silly, but so ALIVE... this asking big things of God. Are all of my requests bathed in spirituality and high virtue? Heck no! One of my most recent requests has been for a small kitchen appliance, of all things. Is a small kitchen appliance something to bother to the God of the Universe about? I'm beginning to believe... yes.
YES!!!
He cares for you! Not the spiritual facade of you, but the real you! The one with the mess all around and these raw desires beating in your chest! And, oh imagine... just IMAGINE the glory and honor and praise He will draw from your heart and your lips when your big & small requests come to fruition! Even a small kitchen appliance will seem a holy relic then, almost too holy to touch with bare hands, because it is most assuredly a gift directly from the hand of the God of the Universe, who cares for you.
So, I'm scrawling my requests out on a journal page... writing my heart out on paper... and seeking to know His heart in His Word so that my desires will slowly, over a lifetime, begin to look more and more like His own. Like an old married couple who can finish each other's sentences, my desires and requests will, by the grace of God, become mere extensions of His thoughts and His heart. For now, it's elbow room and small kitchen appliances and clarity. And I believe that the God who pours out blessings on those who could never even hope to deserve them or earn them hears me!
I believe that He hears me, and that He cares.
7 comments:
You just wrote (more eloquently that I ever could) exactly what's been whirling around in my mind for weeks! I to be honest with Him about it all and ask the things that are on my heart. He will give according to His will for us, but we have to ask. I feel like for so long I've been preached to that we can't ask God for the mundane, that's He's not a jeannie, there to grant my wishes, and of course I don't believe that! But that doesn't mean He doesn't care about my desires even to sometimes give me what I ask for. Of course, as long as those things are in His will.
Thank you for your words. You encourage me more than you know!
well you always make me think!!! i do believe we should ask. and like you said, wait and trust his answer. the thing i've been learning repeatedly lately is contentment. learning to be content in times of need and in times of plenty. and i am convinced that this contentment(with thanks) is the key to it all!
that picture of Tru at the bottom is the cutest thing ever in the world!
This is so, so good, Emery! I think God loves to give us extravagant gifts. And I KNOW He hears and cares.
One of my favorite things so far that God has given my family was a ridiculously fun, rip-your-face-off extravagant trip to Disney World. All expenses paid, including meals with princesses and staying at a swanky hotel that had giraffes just outside our window.
I love that God does crazy stuff like that. Can't wait to see what He's got in store for your sweet family.
Emery, I can't even begin to explain HOW MUCH I needed to hear this. Lately the enemy has been getting to me. Telling me I don't deserve things and that when I ask, I'm selfish... Aaaahhh!!! My heart has been so heavy! But I know that God wants us to ask of him because he loves to love us and bless us! We just need to simply ask and be hopeful, and to trust that he knows what is best for us. I was just getting on here to write a post kind of like this... Thanks for sharing Emery! We are the children of a BIG God and it's nice to be reminded of that!
How do you always seem to be going through the same things as me. We're in a period of uncertainty and the cusp of big changes too. Thanks for sharing your heart and reminding me I have Someone to go to with all this.
Emery! I am so glad I was able to meet you last night. You are as dreamy and dear in person as you are on your blog.
xoxo,
Sarah
“I believe that He hears me, and that He cares.” – Of course, He does. He loves us just the same. Whatever blessing you have right now, I’m sure you deserve it. And if there are blessings that haven’t come yet, perhaps it’s because he’s planning to give it to you at the best time.
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