Stepping Back.

There have been moments, in the past two days or so, where I thought I was going to lose it. Moments where I felt so overwhelmed I could hardly breathe. Where Ezra was demanding my attention and feeling overlooked and the baby was crying and my house was suffocating me with its never ending clutter.

Yet, every time I've felt that choking darkness creep over me, I've been able to stop and realize that, in reality, the world wasn't actually ending. This wasn't the actual Armageddon! This was just a moment of chaos in the midst of a wonderful life... a blessed life... a life that was going to continue marching on to goodness even though, for a moment, I felt like sitting down in the middle of the road and calling it quits.

It's always a good sign when you can quickly recognize your enemy. My strongest enemy in this life so far has been the lie that tells me I'm not enough. That my efforts will never add up, and no matter how much I try and try and try, it will never be sufficient.

That lie has kept its slimy hands off of me for awhile now, but a couple of days ago, I felt it return with brutal force. In one instant, I felt its grip around my throat and it left me mute. Trembling, even. It only took a few minutes for me to realize what was happening, however, and I was able to remind myself of the truth.

I am enough. I have all that I need. My hope is in greater things than smooth days and everything looking exactly like I want them to at all times. God is still good when the baby is fussy and won't let me sleep. Ezra is secure in my love and it's not going to ruin him to have to wait for mommy's attention or play video games for an hour.

Perspective.

This may sound totally silly, but there is a movie that I love that keeps coming back to my mind when I'm feeling overwhelmed lately. It's one of my all-time favorites. "The Family Stone". The thing that this movie has helped remind me of is that this is just a season in my life. One day, my kids will be older and grown and coming home for Christmas and filling my house with their life and laughter. And that later season will have it's own unique challenges as well, I know, but I find hope and strength in that picture all the same. (That movie makes me want to have, like, a MILLION more kids.)

That's one thing that has been so different this time around- something I didn't have when I first had Ezra- the ability to step back and look at my life with wider eyes. Eyes tuned in to the bigger picture. I know now that this is a learned skill, one that doesn't come easy or naturally. I'm so grateful to be learning this skill slowly in my own life... to know that my future (no matter what it ends up looking like) is GOOD. Because, God is good. I may not know anything else about Him for sure, but I do know that. (How do I know it? Only from my own story! I called, He answered. I leapt, He caught. Over and over and over it's been true. I've tested His goodness in my life and He has never failed me.)

It's strange how all of this 'stepping back' to look at my life has somehow made me more able to be 'present' in the now as well. When you're not feeling like the world is physically crashing down on your head, I think you're more able to laugh and somehow enjoy the chaos that otherwise would have swept you away...



In other news... if that old baby scale I stuck him on the other day was accurate, little myer elliot has gained almost THREE pounds in four weeks. Say WHAAA?!?!^#&$#^# He is wearing 3 month old clothing now. He is a TANK!

(Just one more way he's proving himself to be all things opposite of his {tiny} older brother...)