thankful.

It has been a longer absence than i anticipated, yes.

The days have been so full and what they say is true... when you start really paying attention to the little moments in front of you, life explodes with rich meaning and other things lose their flavor in comparison.

The Internet has seemed a bit like a dry rice cake sitting here after I've stuffed myself with a savory Thanksgiving feast and spent more time in prayer and reading and journaling. I've had a harder time than anticipated picking it back up again, and for that I apologize.

This Thanksgiving was the most meaningful season of thanks I have ever experienced. This journey of hunting down things to be thankful for had me ripe and primed for the season and the number one thing that I was thankful for this year was for my new heart of gratitude (still in training) that is causing me to love life and enjoy laundry and find daily happiness again.

Christmas lights are appearing now, and my boys are in heaven. Everywhere we go, their little eyes are scouting for the strands of gold and green and red hung with such care on houses that we would otherwise pass by in the dark, unknown.

Truman's eyes absorb the shimmer and reflect back complete wonder and awe, and this alone could make me wish it was christmas time all year long and forever.

He makes everything new and soft and lovely.

My sweet sister-in-law, Candace, was here for Thanksgiving, and the time spent cozied up on the couch, all of us buried under piles of blankets, talking deep and real and true over hot cups of tea, is one of my new favorite memories. She has a heart of gold that rings clear when you sound it. We love her infinitely.

The air is getting cold and the skies are sharpening. I find myself desperately hoping to find blankets of white outside my windows when I wake. Snow makes me feel warm inside, and I long for its sound-absorbing hush all year long.

We decorated the tree on a Sunday night. Sunday nights have recently become our "no electricity" nights (excepting for Christmas lights, OF COURSE!) and we spend them as a family over board games or books. The boys have flashlights and we light candles and the ever-pressing noise of the outside world is silenced as we fumble around in the dark.

It has been incredible.

This family of mine is worth all of the strugglings with identity and laying down of self that I have wrestled through these past eight years and it will still be worth it all, no matter what arises, in the years to come. I look around this filled-up-to-the-brim little house most days and just shake my head in amazement. What a gift this season of life has been. What a long, and often times confusing, journey that has led me straight into such clarity and purpose!

God truly is the author of all history, in advance. He has guided each of my faltering steps directly to this place, and I can feel Him calling me on again. I will follow, no matter what or where, with even more confidence than before, because I see now that He is always & forever good, and His purposes will never be, CAN never be shaken apart.

Steadied.

Yesterday was one of those days that seeps down in to the bone level and aches. The nights have been rough with little Tru, and Myer is in this phase where I swear he is trying to make me want to send him away to baby boot camp until he's at least 4. These days of counting gratitude have been life-transforming, but there are still those days, you know? Where everything your eyes rest upon make you grumble instead of sing and you somehow feel that God owes you a home that stays clean and children who play quietly for hours and never whine or need you for anything. UGH, just saying that makes me feel like a total doofwad. Living as if GOD owed ME something! It's a miracle I haven't become a lightning rod by now. haha.

Even in the midst of days like yesterday, though, I feel an underlying foundation that wasn't there before. Maybe I should say the beginnings of a foundation. All these days of counting thanks have begun to build a trust in the goodness of God that definitely was not there before. As I'm learning to live aware of God's gifts of grace in each and every moment, in each and every breath, I am realizing something... I am realizing that, oh heck! God really is GOOD! Look at how the light bars from the window are waving on the shower curtain and how the fast moving clouds cause it to pulse and strobe! I am captivated and in awe and I lay another pebble down on the foundation of believing God loves me and only has good intentions towards me. How have I lived for so long blind to my moments? And all the goodness stuffed down full inside each and every single one?

I may have stumbled back into discontentment yesterday, but even in that there is a gift. A reminder of how very much I don't want to fall back into living that way. As I said, the day pulled heavy on my bones and made me feel old and thin. Who wants to walk in that day after day? Not me. Not any more. I've tasted and seen.

Today is already proving to be much better. My husband, seeing the weariness in my eyes, let me sleep in this morning... until ELEVEN O'CLOCK. He had the boys to school and the house tidied up and the baby napping by the time I pulled myself out of bed. You know how the Bible talks about loving those who grumble against you and it being like hot coals heaped upon their heads? Is my hair on fire? After such a hard and grumble-filled day yesterday, God's grace is heaped upon me afresh through the loving servitude of the husband that THAT HE GAVE ME.



Forget the pebbles... I'm laying down a whole SLAB on the foundation today.

Life has never been so steadied, and I have never felt so loved.

eight years.

#330 on my list of 1000 thanks- A family that will chase the sunrise with me.

There are so many things happening below the surface over here, and our minds are running at break-neck speeds trying to chase all the pieces so we can eventually, hopefully, make sense of the puzzle.

For now, all we know is that God is speaking. Con uno megaphono. He has something big on the horizon, but for now it looms off just out of reach, a shadow outlined against the sky.



#357. bumblebee & obi wan.

I have never known God to be so near. I have never known God to be so real. I have never known God to be so... intimately intertwined in my everyday story. I wake up excited these days, hope surging through my veins and humming out through my vocal chords as I sing "You are good, you are good, when there's nothing good in me!"

I am reveling in my weaknesses for the FIRST time in my life, because in those moments, when I allow Him to, He is proving Himself strong and faithful. O, Dichotomy of God! When I am most frail, it is then that I am something He can rebuild city walls with! When my need is greatest and everything in me feels dark like ink, it is then that the grace of Him burns so bright I can hardly look!

Today Chris and I are celebrating eight years of marriage. We went out to dinner on Friday for an early anniversary date and felt the favor and happiness of God on us the whole time. The hostess led us straight to the best table in the restaurant... a booth seat overlooking the lake and the lighthouse and the most beautiful sunset I have seen in ages. Afterwards, at coffee, the barista winked and gave us our drinks for free and we sat at a table-for-two and giggled like teenagers in love. Best anniversary gifts EVER.




#350. eight years of joy.




#351. anniversary skies.


I am so honored to have this man lead me through this life. He makes adventures feel God-grounded and the mundane feel like the most important and holy of tasks. He sincerely thanks me for washing dishes, caring for boys, cooking (bad) food, and vacuuming carpets. He honors me with his words (even when I'm not around!) and he is quick to serve me, making me feel like I'm the only woman in the room, always.

What more could a girl ask for??

I could fill 1000 thanks with his love alone...




...and have a hundred more of his babies. hahhaha.

;)